Jane, I can so relate to how you are feeling. Mine was a different circumstance a few years ago. I was in church during worship and I told God..just take me now..right here. And...He said no, I still have plans for you. So I did the same thing...clung to Him for help for my next moment and the next and the next. It was hard. I'm on meds too for depression and am so thankful for them. I can't imagine not having help. Hang in there. From the brief time I've "known" you on here, I see such love, comfort, and compassion in you. I can't imagine the world without people like you. Praying for you and walking...or riding the roller coaster...with you. Hugs.
Three weeks ago today at about this same time I was on my way home from the vet with her body. Meltdown and vent coming. I get mad too. Or maybe frustrated is a better word. I'm frustrated that I have to spend another day in this sad world without my dog. It's a fallen world, death is a part of it, and I'm frustrated that humanity screwed everything up in the first place. I've been suffering from mild depression and insomnia for at least a couple of years now, maybe longer and have medication for it. My children have left home and moved far away, and now the only bright spot I had left is gone. If I thought for a minute the Lord was OK with my leaving it on my own, I would do it. But He's not, for reasons I don't know, so I have to stay here and ask Him for help every day. I wake up every morning with the hope that maybe this will be my last day here, face to face with Him and able to see my Lily's sweet face again.
Thank you all for being here, and I am here for you too. Still praying for all.