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Rick530

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He excaped our fenced back yard adn was struck by a car. By the time I reached him it was to late.

He was as close as a child me and my girl have ever had. We were unseperable. Were having an exreamly hard time dealing with this. I know it is very soon as we just lost him yesterday evening but my heart adn head hurt so bad. Once I was abe to fall asleep last night I only slept for an hour and had horribe nightmares of running to him in the street and carring him in the house over and over and over again. When I woke up I thought it was all just a horrible dream but then reality set in once again and I was a mess. Neither of us was able to stay at work today fo rmore than a couple hours and most of that was spent in the bathrooms weaping. We have another dog and she also just isen tthe same today. It's so quiet in the house now we can barely manage to stay here. My mind just keeps replaying the horrible sights. I've lost other dogs but never has it been this hard. All day and last night I have been working myself into hyperventilating from this. I've always tried to be a good person and to do right by people and I am just trying to figure what I've done wrong to cause my lil friend to deserve this. Also cant help but feel this is my fault by not bringing the dogs back in teh house when I had originally planned. i just thought I'd give them 10 more minutes and this is what happoned.... I wasent there for him when he needed me the most. I will never forgive myself. His life was cut so short..  I miss and love you my lil Mr. Cash.....  2/14/08 - 5-4-10
9 week old

just a pup with my girl


All ready for Halloween

Th elast pic I took with him last week.  God do I miss him....


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gscakes

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My heart goes out to you and I will keep you in my prayers.




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reovi

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I'm so so sorry to hear about your baby.  There is not much I can say that will comfort you at this point, but maybe some suggestions...for your headaches-my husband and I have them all the time when we really cry-so we use icepacks, and benedryl, nyquil, or melatonin to sleep.  One thing that really helped us, was entering Polar in the Monday night candlelight ceremony on here...talking to him, telling him how sorry I was and how guilty I felt, made me feel better.  I know it doesn't help, but I'd say 70% or so of the people on here are struggling with guilt as to how things ended with our babies, and every day is a struggle to come to terms with that...  I think for my husband and I, we realized no amount of guilt will bring Polar back, and though we cry remembering all the good things about him and how happy he made us, we don't want to tarnish our memories of him with the guilt-which since it can't bring him back, seems self-serving to us.  Instead, we are trying to come up with ways to honor his memory, to do nice things for dog like him (blind/deaf), dogs who were not as fortunate as him to have a happy loving home life.  It may sound like we have this figured out, but believe me our souls are still crushed-we still feel immense guilt, and we still miss him so much everyday.  For me, sleep is a stranger-I don't get much these days, I even posted on this site asking how people fall asleep, because the night time is sooo bad for me.  Maybe you will find something helpful in that post?
I guess the one happy thought I feed myself is that this is not the last time I will see him.  I'm not a religious person, but I have to think that as inherently good and special as animals are, whomever made this dirtball we all call home has to have someplace really really special for them-nothing like the heaven for us flawed folk.  Our time was cut short with our boy, too, and like you, our dogs are our kids.  All I keep telling myself is that my boy was too too special to sully his memory feeling guilty when all he ever brought me was joy and laughter and love-it doesn't always help, but it takes the edges off the pain a bit sometimes.  As for work, I was no good at work for at least a week.  Even now I have so many things I need to do, career building events, and I still surf this site all the time, looking for comfort in others words.  Usually for me have been making a list or setting daily goals-lots of them-and by overwhelming the crap out of myself maybe I manage to get a few done between my grieving, so the day is not a total wash.  I have been fortunate that my boss and co-workers have been really understanding, and honestly I really don't care to have people in my life that aren't understanding about this.  I hope you continue to come back and you and your girl can tell us more about your special little dude.
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Brauch

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My heart goes out to you Rick.  I wish I had some magic words for you.  Here on these boards you will find the work of angels.  God bless you and lil Mr. Cash.  The words of Reovi are golden..  I have found that writing a letter to your lost one does much for the soul.   I know its difficult...but try to remember only the good times with your doggy and be thankful of the time you had together with him.  God Bless.
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Rick530

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Thank u for you rkind words. 


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Rick530

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This is my baby boys place. Please leave him a kind word and a prayer.
http://forums.rainbowsbridge.com/post?id=4704720

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grimjim

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I just looked at all your pictures of Cash. He looked so happy with your family. I guess we both lost very young family members, yet somehow it feels like we knew them a lifetime. I share you and your families anguish in this hour of loss.
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Rick530

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Yes both our lost family members were very young, and yes it did seem as if we had known eachoter or a lifetime. He was alwasy a very happy lil guy. When ever me or my girl were feeling dow he was alwas there to cheer us up. More times than I can remember coming home from having a rough day and he would hop up on the couch and lay his little head down on my chest and it just seemed all my cares in the world went away. I feel so lost. He was truelly my best lil friend. He always knew how to make me feel better. I cant even put it in words how I feel...


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Rick530

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I had this made today from granite to place on Mr. Cash's final resting place on a small hill that overlooks our backyard where he played so many times. 

 

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Rick530

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Another thing that has really been bothering me is when I carried Cash into the house I broke down and just sat on the floor holding him. Our mastiff came into the room and was being her very excitable self and was just overwhelmng me. It was obvious now to me that she had no idea what was going on and was just nudging her friend wanting to play. I yelled at her so loud to go lay down it really scared her. I feel absolutly horrible about this. She was just excited to see her friend and did not realize he was no more. I have such deep regret and sorrow. Am I just over analyzing everything??.. Since this I've tried to be as loving as our lady Trinity will allow and pay her s much attentin as I can. Unfortunaty she is locked in a kennel at home by herself now across the room from were Cash's kennel was untill I get hoem to let her out. I put Cash's blanket he used to sleep on so at least she wouldnt loose his scent. I feel like I am just rambling on.... I dotn know what to do... what to say.... I absolutly DREAD getting home before my girlfriend and haveing to be in the house alone.


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Rick530

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Best of friends....



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Rick530

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Not feeling much better today..... 


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Rick530

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So I managed to sleep last night. No nightmares. My girlfriend said I woke her up in teh middle of the night laughing so hard in my sleep. I dont really remember what I was dreamign last night but I like to hope and wish it was my Cash come to visit me and play with me..... And then I had to wake up... Back to the bottom of that rollercoaster...


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reovi

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I know how you feel.  I'm lucky if I get sleep.  Melatonin has been helping a bit, and I find if I sleep a decent amount then when I think of Polar the next day it is more happy thoughts than sad crying missing him. I know you feel bad about yelling at Trinity, but the nice thing about dogs is that they forgive and forget pretty easily, so don't beat yourself up too much about that.  Days are absolute roller coasters for us, too.  Whenever I have to be home alone with the other dogs, I talk to them or sing them little songs (which may seen crazy), so I talk to Polar alot.  Even though he was deaf in life anyway, talking to him now, as I'm sure he can hear me in his heaven, helps to soften the empty house some...
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Rick530

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ANother feelign I had last night was as if I wasen't doing right by letting Trinity sleep on the couch where Cash used to. We took Trinity for a very long walk in witch we didnt take Cash down that way. I felt like I was doing things with Trinity that I eather didnt do with Cash or used to do with him instead and it just didnt feel right.


ANother thing that kind of made my evening a lil better was this. When we got Cash as a lil puppy we already had a english bulldog who had gone blind. He would smell Cash and Cash would try to play with him but because he was blind the bulldog never really wanted much to do with him. We lost Buddy our bulldog not to long after. I was thinking while on my walk with Trinity that Buddy could never see Cash when we brought him home but now he couldfinally see the little guy who shared a home with him in his last few months. Kinda brught a tear to my eyes, just as it's doing ow but it made me feel at least a lil better. 

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