Raeosun
This past Monday, July 24th, I experienced my first sting of death in life (I am 30 years old, so to some that may be lucky) but nonetheless it was the worst day of life.

I lost my precious boy, Jackers. He was a 10 yo Siamese mix that I adopted a little over two years ago. He was the sweetest cat I've ever known and was a gentle giant.  I don't think I have cried this much in my entire life. The grief and sorrow I feel is unreal and I am not sure how I could ever get past his death.

Last week we took him to the vet thinking he was just a little constipated since he usually went once a day but I hadn't seen anything in a few days. They gave us a shot of fluid and a laxative to give him. Two days later he still had not gone so I took him back to the vet for him to be flushed out but first they wanted to take some x-rays. That's when it all went downhill... The vet had us look at the x-rays and showed us that there was a mass in his chest. It was on Saturday so they referred us to some emergency clinics. We ran back home really quick (had to pick up his mom who was visiting) and my boyfriend let him out of his carrier only to see that he was not using his right paw (it was flipped back and he was using his, what I think was his knee to move). I called the vet and immediately asked: WHAT THE F%^& did you do my cat? She had the nerve to tell me she didn't know and that he may be passing. It was ALL too much to take at that time. She said I had to get him to the closest emergency clinic but first it was best if we brought him back to be put on oxygen so he could be somewhat stable to make the trip to the emergency clinic.

He got some oxygen but you could tell his breathing was becoming very labored. We then got him to the emergency doctor who drained what was fluid out of chest and let us know he had a stoke in his leg. I was already DEVASTATED by this point. She was leaning towards heart disease. They got him stable and then we were referred to their sister clinic who specialized in cardiovascular medicine. We took him there and waited hours for the specialist to come in to do an echocardiogram which showed he did NOT have heart disease. All I could think was what was wrong with my baby? We decided to leave him there overnight so they could do more x-rays and blood tests. The next morning we got the results that they couldn't see anything immediate in the x-rays and his blood tests showed a high white blood cell count. He also had to be put on fluids and have his body temp brought back up to normal (101) since he was at 98 degrees. By this point it was Sunday and we had an appointment on Monday with internal medicine to do more tests so he seemed stable so we brought him home. They gave us pain meds and antibiotics in case it was something bacterial. I was hopeful since they also said his paw did feel a little more warm (it was initially cold due to the stoke and no blood circulation AND I read that cats can recover from strokes in a matter of weeks) and he was also eating, drinking, and peeing. Needless to say that would be the last time we would have our baby boy at home. The next morning when we woke up, he already looked half gone- during the night he must have declined and also had strokes in both of his back legs leaving him pretty much immobile. My boyfriend took him back to the clinic at 6:00am where we were pretty much told that it isn't looking good. .This whole time we still didn't even KNOW what was happening to our baby. I rushed to the clinic (worst drive of my life) and was told by the doctor that it was most likely cancer but we wouldn't know unless they did an ultrasound, etc. She said whatever it was, it was not looking likely that he would get better. You could just tell- he wasn't moving nor responding to us. It was heartbreaking. The doctor did not tell us what to do -she offered to continue testing and to try to keep him comfortable but also said that she would agree with putting him to sleep at this point. So, we just knew at that time Jackers was already slipping away and we made the most painful decision to end his suffering. I could not be in the room as it happened. I went out to the parking lot and was crying so hard I couldn't even breath. My boyfriend (who I saw cry for the first time EVER in 5 years of being together) came and got me when he had passed and I just had to see him- I would have always regretted not giving him a final kiss goodbye. I did tell the vet that I did NOT want to see his eyes open (I loved, loved, LOVED his eyes- see attached pic) but I could not bear to see his lifeless eyes. I told her if they were open to please cover his head. She said they were not opened so I went into the room SOBBING already and immediately saw his eyes were open and I lost it. I will now forever have that image in my head....

We decided to get him cremated. I am that crazy cat mom who called the pet crematory and spoke with the sweetest lady who let me know he arrived. I asked her if she could please go and tell him he was so so so loved- she then started crying, then I started bawling even more than I was.

We get him back tomorrow and I am still so sad but so happy to bring him back home where he belongs. We are fortunate enough to have his brother still with us, along with our dog. It's hard to be at home though, picturing him in all of his favorite spots. I have not let go of the blanket he used the last night at home and I have snippets of his fur in a memory box that is on my nightstand (which still smell like him). Typing this has helped a little and tomorrow I am attending a support group in town. What kills me is that I will never know what took my baby in a matter of five days. I am blaming myself for not getting him seen sooner. I will never be able to not feel guilty and feel like I failed him.

I am hopeful that there is a rainbow bridge and that he has crossed it and is looking down on us. I keep telling myself that I WILL see him again one day and when I do, I will give him the BIGGEST cuddle and a million kisses. jack.jpg 

RIP my sweet, sweet boy. I will love you for eternity <3




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Suzi17
You will see him again...as I will see my Bora. I'm still grieving and processing my baby's passing....I have not been able to pick up his ashes yet. They said about 17 days...I've been doing a lot of praying to get through this time. He was my companion for years. The regrets, guilt, etc...are normal feelings....you will over come as I will.
And yes we will see our babies again.....my bora is waiting for me at the rainbow bridge.
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Bullymom
I'm sorry for your loss. I do believe you will see him again, and I'm sure he knows how much he was loved. I'm still grieving too and what keeps me going right now is the belief that we'll meet again someday.
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KittyBoy4ever
I'm so sorry for your loss. I recently lost my precious kitty baby as well. And it was the biggest heartbreak of my entire life. I to am in my 30s and losing him was one of the hardest things I've ever faced. It was a week ago today, but it still hurts as if it just happened. A friend told me, "You have to keep going. The pain doesn't subside or lessen. You just make room for the pain and carry it with you." But find comfort in the memories of him. Also having him home will help some. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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Van780
I am cryin reading this... it's very similar to what just happened with Batista. He passed on July 13th. Long story short, I came home one day at the end of April and he didn't look good. Next day we went to the vet who referred to the neurologist. We hoped it was a stroke because he seemed to bounce back. The mri was 4k, so I had to decline. The other option was a possible brain tumor. He was on meds to control possible swelling. He had an 'episode' every couple weeks. I did everything I could. The week he passed, I came home Tuesday and he had gone outside the litter box in the middle of the room. He wasn't eating as much. Wednesday he got a little worse. Wednesday night he wouldn't eat at all. I knew that was it. He was having trouble walking and he was getting stuck in weird places. I slept on the couch that night to be closer to him. Thursday morning I started making the calls. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I had an easier time with my aunts death - I think because I knew how hard her life was and that she was at peace finally. Almost 3 wks later, my heart is still in agony. I got his ashes back and paw prints, I thought I'd feel relieved to have him home ... I still can't tell if I do. It's so surreal. I've never been in so much pain in my life. I still look at the spots he'd lay in etc and cry. I don't even know what happened for sure. It was terrible though. What I do know, is that our babies loved us and they knew we rescued them. They know how much we loved them and they had a beautiful life with us. Sending so much love and light to you in this time. Only time can help heal it ... but I know I will miss him forever ♡
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1furbabymom
I am so sorry for your loss.
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Bre
Your post has me in tears.. I am so so sorry for your loss.

I relate to SO many things in your post.. it's kind of eerie. I am 31 and lost my 10 year old siamese a few days ago. She was my baby. I found her (or she found me) the year I moved out on my own. She had the most beautiful eyes. She was an angel. I decided to have her put to sleep because she fell ill and started to show signs of Jaundice. I had blood test results and it was not looking good. The vet said he believed she had cancer and would not make it through surgery and probably didn't have many days left. I have been trying so hard to let go of the guilt .. wishing I would have brought her in sooner.. wishing I could have done more for her. It's a horrible feeling. I also could not be in the room with her. I have cried every day since. I also had her cremated and received her ashes today. 

Making that decision to put her to sleep was the most difficult decision I've ever made.. I don't think I've ever felt so heartbroken over the loss of a pet before. I haven't experienced much death in my family.. this is definitely the most difficult... so I understand how you feel.

Making things for her helps.. writing.. coming to the forum. I think I'm going to buy some kind of locket to keep her picture in. Maybe that will help and be a reminder that she's always with me. I feel like even when they go.. their spirit is still hanging around. It sounds like you were extremely close to Jackers.. I'm sure he is still with you, just in a different way. I hope things get easier for you and you find ways to cope and heal. That is what he would want. You will meet again <3 Best Wishes
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Raeosun
Thank you everyone for your condolences and stories.

Bre- I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't deny any emotion as it's part of grieving. I miss Jackers everyday. I cry a lot too (mostly in private). I love the idea of the locket. I'm getting a glass blown necklace that has some of his ashes inside. See if there is a local support group for pet loss- it really helped me and I exchanged numbers with a woman there and we text. If you want to chat, you can always email me- I can give you my email if you want.
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Bre
Hi Raeson

I'd love that! 
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Turtle
So hard for us - I will be thinking of you.
Swr
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Raeosun
Thank you <3

Bre- my email address ia paularwein@gmail.com. Feel free to contact me at any time
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