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ShadowDad

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Posts: 5
Reply with quote  #1 
After wondering a million times how I could ever live without my beautiful Shadow, it finally happened. On November 22, my 15 year old beautiful angel Shadow died. I was there with her when she died. I suddenly heard this strange wailing coming from my body involuntarily like it was someone else and not me. I just screaming NO. NO. NO. DONT GO SHADOW, DONT GO. But she was gone. Now I know that losing her was WAY worse than I ever imagined it could be. I have been thrown into grief so bad that I can't breathe and I struggle to get a good breathe. The only thing I do is pace the floor with so much anxiety that I honestly think I will break down. She was sick for a long time and I thought I was somewhat prepared for her eventual passing, but I was not at all. Is there any end to this? If I do sleep, it's only short stretches at a time. I just keep thinking of years and years of my medical decisions for my girl. Did I do the right things? Should I have done something differently? Was she in too much pain? It's all driving me insane. She eventually stopped eating and drinking at all. Should I have put in a feeding tube? I am going insane trying to answer these questions. Having to take my sweet baby to get cremated is the hardest thing I have ever done. To look into the eyes that smiled at me, and now I saw nothing shook me to the core. I kissed her one last time and drove away. Now I am waiting to receive her ashes and that will crush me. The beautiful little girl who I put ahead of myself and who I loved more than life will be nothing more than a box that I will have to talk to the rest of my life. I have no idea how to climb out of this bottomless black pit of grief. I do not want to live this new life that I have been thrown into.

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Imissyou

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Reply with quote  #2 
I'm so sorry for your loss.  It sounds like you were an amazing human to Shadow.  He is beautiful by the way - look at that smile!
I lost my Zoe last week - she was only 9, and my heart is completely broken.  I am also feeling guilty and wondering if I did enough, picked the right time.  Logically, I know that the guilt doesn't serve me, but it's hard not to question those decisions.  It has been the most difficult week of my entire life.  
Wishing you some peace in this difficult time.
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chilover

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Posts: 64
Reply with quote  #3 
I am so deeply sorry and send my deepest condolences..

I experienced the exact same thing as you. Everything you are feeling is perfectly normal because you are dealing with grief and it is extremely painful. We all second guess ourselves after loosing our pets even though we did our very very best for them. I lost my dog nearly 4 months ago and she was sick with kidney failure & arthritis & was also showing signs of dementia. I nursed her towards the end in addition to her monthly checks with my vet. It's so difficult because they can't tell us anything.

It feels extremely lonely as not everyone understands and disregard our grief for pets but people on this forum do understand so you will get support. I hope that you check in often, it is comforting. I have just had a big cry myself 10 mins ago.

I send you comfort, and please do not feel guilty for anything, you did your best and your loving furbaby knew this and loved you for it.

Hugs

Daisy's mummy

Angelina
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BorderCollieLover

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Posts: 299
Reply with quote  #4 
ShadowDad:

  My heartfelt condolences on the passing of your beautiful Shadow. You were a terrific pet parent with your upper level care and compassion. Shadow was so very Blessed to have had you as her human companion. In the days that follow, I hope you will find some Peace. Coming to this Forum has been a wonderful way of allowing me to express my grief with others who are experiencing the exact same thing. I hope it can do the same for you.

Sending Comforting Thoughts Your Way,

Jim

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Jim Miller
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ShadowDad

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Posts: 5
Reply with quote  #5 
Jim, thank you so much for your beautiful words, they are truly encouraging. This is surely my darkest days. Shadow was my life and I hope I can turn this grief into honoring my baby girl in New ways. May God give you peace and comfort.
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Ralphie

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Posts: 2
Reply with quote  #6 
I am deeply sorry for your loss. Everything you said sounds exactly like me. I lost my sweet dog Ralphie on November 11th and I too gave him one last kiss on the head after he was gone. He had to be put to sleep and was in my lap. I walked out as fast as I could so that other people wouldn't see the awful state I was in. I had to pick up his ashes a week ago which was horrible for me. I cooked for him for many years because he couldn't tolerate any dog foods and was very allergic to all I tried. I can't even donate it yet...it hurts too much. Ralphie and I were always together 24/7 since he was 9 weeks old when I rescued him. We slept together from day one. He was the perfect dog in every way. We had a lot of history together and he had gotten me through the loss of my husband 11 years ago and all the other huge losses. I always thought and said to myself....I don't know what I would do without him. Ralphie and I had spent the last 4 years alone during the holidays but I was happy as long as he was alive, well and breathing! And now....I am lost. I have also been pacing around the house and the crying and anxiety is horrendous. Just know that you are not alone. I wish I could do more to help!

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RLM

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Michelemh

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Posts: 68
Reply with quote  #7 
So sorry to everyone. I know the feeling. I am dreading tomorrow. Hope everyone gets through it.

Michele
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SharonsPie

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Posts: 34
Reply with quote  #8 
Dear Shadowdad,
I am so sorry for this huge loss. Your pictures show how much you loved her and how much she loved you. I too tought I could prepare myself but it was indeed much worse than I imagined. I too second guess my decisions. I'm afraid that the more you loved them the deeper the pain. I hope you can get some comfort coming on this forum. You can perhaps find grief counselling or a pet loss meeting in your area. It's going to take time. Give into the tears. We are with you.
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Michelemh

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Posts: 68
Reply with quote  #9 
How are you doing Shadowdad?

Michele
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Ralphie

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Posts: 2
Reply with quote  #10 
Michele....I had been emailing Shadowdad and I am worried because he normally answered me right back and I have heard nothing for a few days now. I hope he is all right. It's been 3 weeks today since I lost my sweet angel Ralphie and I wish I could stop crying. The pain of the grief is worse than anything I have ever gone through before. (and I have been through a lot in my lifetime.) I never had to have an animal put to sleep before and I never wanted to make that decision but in his case, there wasn't another option. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do! He was put to rest in my lap...part of me died with him that day. He was sick for a long time and I sometimes wondered if there might be that tiny part of me that would feel relieved after he was gone....well, I wasn't at all. He needed constant care and meds around the clock but as long as I kept to the schedule, he was happy and comfortable to be home with me. I would gladly sacfrifice the rest of my life to be with him again and would do it in a heartbeat. Ralphie was everything to me and the perfect dog for almost 15 years. I honestly don't know what I will do without him.
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RLM
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Michelemh

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Posts: 68
Reply with quote  #11 
Ralphie - I understand how you feel. I feel the same way. I had to let mine pass away. She was a once in a life time dog. It has been 12 weeks. She was going to be 18. I rescued her when she was about three months. It is very hard. I cared for her the last year. She was very healthy until the last six months. She was perfect. No other dog could compare to her and our bond. I hate that the holidays are here with all that stress.

Maybe he left the forum? I am not sure.

Michele
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BoxerMomForever

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Posts: 37
Reply with quote  #12 
ShadowDad. You are in my thoughts. Deepest sympathy to you. I sure know how you feel. The grief and sadness .... we are all here to support each other. Hugs to you...
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Linda *Mom to two boxer angels* Lily {White Girl} 6/22/09 - 10/14/19 Ginger {Flashy Fawn Girl} 6/4/97 - 5/28/09
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