Without the really long story - I had to fly back to the East Coast home I used to share with my husband for my daughter to have a Thanksgiving with her Dad. This is the home I shared with Roary for most of his life. Sadly when I fled my marriage with my daughter I left him and his brothers behind temporarily which turned into a year and a half. I did visit but was t able to relocate them until I had a house to put them in. So they stayed here in this house with a man who did feed and change litter but I know wasn’t affectionate to them. I felt sick about it then and feel even worse now that Roary has died. The guilt has been overwhelming. I finally moved him out with my daughter and myself and only a year later he became gravely ill. To top it all off he died alone at the vets - I abandoned him so many times I. In his life. I am a horrible person. I hate myself today. The tears won’t stop and being in this house again where he was my sweet Roary boy and lying in the bed we spent years cuddling in or sitting the couch I bought and he promptly destroyed - it’s killing me. It’s been 5 months. I am not better. I am not okay. I don’t see how I will ever be able to forgive myself.
Please look at the phots. I don’t want him to be forgotten. I can’t believe he died so young.
Quote 0 0

Dear Anne,

I never had the good fortune of meeting or knowing your Roary, but I 100% remember him through your posts here.

I am so, so saddened and concerned about how you are feeling. Sweetie, your Roary loved, cherished and completely ADORED you! He loved you unconditionally and without judgment. What is so extraordinary about our beloved pets IS their ability to forgive us. And accept us with all of our flaws and the mistakes that we may make and may have made.

You had a life to live, and you had to make that move when you did. When you could, you brought Roary out to live with you. It just took time. Divorces can be so devastating and that alone can impact planning, decision making and cause great heartache and even PTSD. You did what you could, when you could.

As I've written before here on the forum, when we are gone our pets probably just assume that we are out hunting (as we at times bring them food upon our return) or that were are out on a walk-about, doing what we mysterious humans do. When Roary thought about you, while you were away for a time, setting up your new home, he no doubt missed you, but he did not blame you or judge you. He just missed you. You DID reunite with him! You DID come for him and bring him to your new home, and he knew that! In his final year he got to be with you again. And prior to that you were together for many years. He knew 100% that you loved him and did not ever forget about him.

I am so sorry for the circumstances at the end of Roary's life, but as we have all learned here, we can not always completely control the way our beloveds depart in the end. Sadly, it's very random at times and very unpredictable. As you know many have experienced much worse circumstances at their end of their beloved's lives.

You did EVERYTHING humanely possible to save Roary. EVERYTHING. You even took out a loan to try and save him. You went into debt trying to do so. You tried to save him and he tried to pull through, but tragically he couldn't. That night you left him at the hospital you assumed he would be okay, as you had funded very comprehensive treatment and you were given hope. And your daughter wanted to go home that time. Which is all very, very understandable, you had no way to know what was going to happen in the end sweetheart. Please Anne, it is okay to finally begin to forgive yourself. If anything you tried to save your beloved Roary with more devotion and herculean effort than most members here have. You put everything on the line to try and save him. It is so obvious how much you loved your dear Roary. 

10 years seems young as cats can and do live to over 20 years. But as we've read here on the forum that is actually not the norm and quite rare. It isn't common. Cats on the street or in the wild live only 2 to 5 years on average as we know. That is what they are biologically designed and engineered to live for. Any year past 5 is a bonus for a cat. That is very sad, and even shocking, but unfortunately very true. You know I lost my boy Marmalade and it was assumed he was around 10 to 11 years old when he departed.

I started to notice a change recently in my own grief as I have written. I am 6 months in now from losing Marmalade. My feelings, emotions and memories are changing for the better. I still get very blue and cry at times, but I am so humbled by the time I got to spend with Marmalade. So please hang in there and just continue to travel through time Anne. You are healing every minute even though it doesn't feel like it. I am so, so relieved to be able to breath again and have good moments at times when I think of my departed friend.

And "signs" from our beloved's can be very, very subtle and very different for each of us. They are so easy to miss or misinterpret. So please know that a sign may come in a very subtle way. In a breeze. In a feeling. Even in this message to you. I was just about to retire for the evening and get some sleep, but something told me to check the forum before I did and I saw your post and responded. I have a bad cold, I was tired and needed rest, but I felt I had to respond to you, I was worried about you. Perhaps your Roary whispered in my ear to write you and try and comfort you.

Thank you for sharing those photo images of your sweet Roary. They are wonderful and delightful. He sure was handsome and he sure was unique. As unique as his loving Mama! Please remember that. You are a kind, loving, sweet, tender, empathetic and very compassionate soul. 

My thoughts and prayers are with you Anne. Please be gentle and forgiving with yourself. 

Quote 0 0
Thank you James for always sharing your compassion. You're such a treasure ... something to definitely be "thankful" for in this world.
Michelle Kinkaid
Quote 0 0
Oh James,
I’m sorry it’s taken me some time to respond. I read your message right away, and it helps me to not feel so alone. I just hate being here in this house without my kitty. But I hate being in this house with me ex regardless. I just stay still and small and hope he won’t bother me. It makes me wonder if that is how my sweet Roary felt when he was here without me. I appreciate that I need to forgive myself, but I just can’t. I feel like I will be sad forever. It feels impossible to be happy again. I probably need medication or something.
Quote 0 0
James - Thank you for your wonderful and wonderfully compassionate message. Everyone who reads your words can derive comfort and feel understood.

AR - Please be compassionate with yourself. You had to make excruciatingly difficult choices, we are not omnipotent, omniscient beings, and there's absolutely a limit to how much we can control. What matters is that you worked within the constraints you were dealing with, and the fact that you suffer from guilt and remorse is proof of the depth of your love for Roary. What a beautiful boy he was!

I have no doubt that his time with you was filled with love and nurturing; it's what we all - animal and human alike - deserve, and you gave that to him for as long as you could. It's a steep, hard climb in the early stages of grieving, and we understand how hopeless it can feel. There is no way to speed up or avoid the process, and the forum is here for you.

Wishing you peaceful thoughts...

Quote 0 0
Thank you. I thought somehow, after 5 months it would be easier, but the tears keep flowing and my heart is still broken.
Quote 0 0