I'm so sorry to read of your recent loss. Welcome to the Rainbow forum despite the unfortunate circumstances.
There are many kind, compassionate, emphatic, sympathetic, insightful, wise, experienced, warm, gracious and even witty people here. I have found it is much more comforting to visit here, and speak with others who feel the way that I do, then to speak to anyone else in my life. No one in my personal or professional life understands the level of grief that we are experiencing, unless they have had a pet that has provided them with unconditional love, the way that our pets did. This is the unfortunate truth of things, but it is their loss, not ours.
You did everything that you could do to try and save your girl. EVERYTHING. You had her stay overnight at the Vet's to be treated, in order for her to try and get better. That was a logical, rational, mature, caring thing to do. With no definitive diagnoses by the Vet at the time, including her potential remaining life expectancy, there was absolutely no way that you could realize, that she might not make it through the night. You also didn't want to disturb her, you were allowing her to rest.
I used to wonder what my boy (an orange and white tabby cat named "Marmalade") thought whenever I left him to go out on a run for food & supplies, or an errand each day, or night. I am self-employed so was able to spend a considerable amount of time with him, but when I did leave what must have he thought? I finally assumed that because I was the one bringing home the food for him (and me) he must have just thought I was out "hunting." And that he was not allowed to go with me, as it must be dangerous or something. Or that I was out on a "walk-about" as the Aussies have dubbed, it doing what we mysterious humans do. He didn't think I "abandoned" him. And I am certain that your little girl did not think that you abandoned her. She just assumed you were away doing human things and she needed to do what she had to do while at the Vet's.
But our minds play tricks on us when we are going through the grieving process. We endlessly 2nd guess ourselves. We walk through various alternative scenarios trying to figure out how things could have worked out differently, if we had just chose a different path, as death is so final. But what we have all learned here on this forum comparing notes is, it doesn't matter what path you chose or what the fates had in store for your pet (and you). We regret each path that was chosen. Each way our pet passed away (naturally, through an accident, or being euthanized etc.) seems wrong. Because death...seems wrong. But it is a natural part of life.
My boy also had a liver issue. And he was either misdiagnosed or undiagnosed. I chose a different path at the end. I had him put to sleep instead of having him stay overnight at the Vet's with an IV to re-hydrate him. He was done with all of the medical treatment. He had been to the Vet's 13 times in 90 days and had 2 invasive surgeries . But what if he had survived with just another day of treatment and fluids? See? Different decision, but here I am feeling just as bad as you do. When you chose the medical treatment. I feel regret and guilt because I did not.
He was around 13 or 14 years old. One thing we must remember always during the grieving process is our domesticated pets live longer than their bodies were designed or engineered to do so. Dogs live 10 years in the wild on average, if they are mid-size. Cat's only 2 to 5 years. Any time after that, is a bonus. We humans expand their lifetimes by simply providing them with food and water, shelter (from natural predators and the weather), the occasional trip to the Vet and possibly medications) and love and affection (which is important to overall health and well-being.) We meddle with nature. We intervene with the natural course of life and then wonder why it does not fit our standards of expectation.
It will take time to go through the grief process. I too could not eat and am only now getting back to eating better. I have lost at least 30 lbs. since my lad departed 11 11 weeks ago. "The Grief Diet." I cried again this evening. Without sleeping pills I would not be sleeping. Yes, statistically speaking IT WILL GET BETTER. Veteran members here are proof of that. Soon we will be able to think again of our lost loved ones and only the happiest, most cherished and fondest memories of them will come to mind.
Kind regards & my sincere condolences,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I am so sorry to hear about your boy. Like you said, I guess no matter what path we chose we will always second guess ourselves...it is just hard. This week was rough for me. I think my body is running out of energy. I am soo tired all the time since I am barely sleeping. I was thinking about taking sleeping pills like you have, but I am afraid they will make me more tired the next day or I won't wake up in time to go to work...I don't know, maybe I should try them. I really hope things get better sooner than later. There are days when I am like ok I feel better and then the next day I cry and cry like it just happened yesterday. It is so hard just going on without her....