Muki
I lost my beautiful girl a month ago. Still feels like it was yesterday. It hurts so much. Every room in the house reminds me of her. I feel so guilty for not saying good bye to her. She was fine one Friday by Sunday she looked soo sick. So sudden. Took her to vet Monday, she was anemic by then and the only thing they could see was wrong was the liver, based on blood work. They thought they had seen a mass on xrays but couldn't tell what it was. Had to take her to another vet where they could do ultrasound to see what the mass was. I remember giving her a kiss then, telling her ok mama they gonna do an ultrasound and I'm going to come get you after ok, I love you. I will be back. I came back after and talked to vet, no mass found, so I decided to leave her at the vet overnight hoping that with meds, IV and their care she would get better and the toxins affecting liver would go away. I remember walking out of vet's office thinking I should ask to see her and give her a kiss before I leave, tell her I'll be back tomorrow to get her, to relax and get better...and I didn't. The guilt is still killing me because I didn't. I never saw her alive again. She passed overnight. Makes me feel like I abandoned her. I should've brought her home with me so she could've been in a familiar place with me. Instead she passed in a kennel, without me around, nobody around in a strange place. I should've at least had asked to see her again before I left the vet that day and kissed her goodbye and tell her and loved her and would be back tomorrow. I never thought I would be getting a call the next day early morning from the vet telling me she had passed overnight. I feel like she gave up because I abandoned her.
I had her for over 14 years and I still miss her so much. The first few days after she passed I couldn't even eat. It was so hard being at work and not crying, but nobody there understands what I'm going through, becuase for them it was just a dog. I find myself crying every day. Nights are the worse and can't really sleep. Will it really get better someday? I try to think about all the memories I had with her, but it really makes me so sad. I wish she was still here with me. It all happened so fast. I still can't believe she is gone.

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Memories_of_Marmalade


Dear Muki,

I'm so sorry to read of your recent loss. Welcome to the Rainbow forum despite the unfortunate circumstances.

There are many kind, compassionate, emphatic, sympathetic, insightful, wise, experienced, warm, gracious and even witty people here. I have found it is much more comforting to visit here, and speak with others who feel the way that I do, then to speak to anyone else in my life. No one in my personal or professional life understands the level of grief that we are experiencing, unless they have had a pet that has provided them with unconditional love, the way that our pets did. This is the unfortunate truth of things, but it is their loss, not ours.

You did everything that you could do to try and save your girl. EVERYTHING. You had her stay overnight at the Vet's to be treated, in order for her to try and get better. That was a logical, rational, mature, caring thing to do. With no definitive diagnoses by the Vet at the time, including her potential remaining life expectancy, there was absolutely no way that you could realize, that she might not make it through the night. You also didn't want to disturb her, you were allowing her to rest.

I used to wonder what my boy (an orange and white tabby cat named "Marmalade") thought whenever I left him to go out on a run for food & supplies, or an errand each day, or night. I am self-employed so was able to spend a considerable amount of time with him, but when I did leave what must have he thought? I finally assumed that because I was the one bringing home the food for him (and me) he must have just thought I was out "hunting." And that he was not allowed to go with me, as it must be dangerous or something. Or that I was out on a "walk-about" as the Aussies have dubbed, it doing what we mysterious humans do. He didn't think I "abandoned" him. And I am certain that your little girl did not think that you abandoned her. She just assumed you were away doing human things and she needed to do what she had to do while at the Vet's.

But our minds play tricks on us when we are going through the grieving process. We endlessly 2nd guess ourselves. We walk through various alternative scenarios trying to figure out how things could have worked out differently, if we had just chose a different path, as death is so final. But what we have all learned here on this forum comparing notes is, it doesn't matter what path you chose or what the fates had in store for your pet (and you). We regret each path that was chosen. Each way our pet passed away (naturally, through an accident, or being euthanized etc.) seems wrong. Because death...seems wrong. But it is a natural part of life.

My boy also had a liver issue. And he was either misdiagnosed or undiagnosed. I chose a different path at the end. I had him put to sleep instead of having him stay overnight at the Vet's with an IV to rehydrate him. He was done with all of the medical treatment. He had been to the Vet's 13 times in 90 days and had 2 invasive surgeries . But what if he had survived with just another day of treatment and fluids? See? Different decision, same outcome, but here I am feeling just as bad as you do. When you chose the medical treatment. I feel regret and guilt because I did not.

My lad was around 13 or 14 years old. One thing we must remember always during the grieving process is, our domesticated pets live longer than their bodies were designed or engineered to do so. Dogs live 10 years in the wild on average, if they are mid-size. Cat's only 2 to 5 years. Any time after that, is a bonus. We humans expand their lifetimes by simply providing them with food and water, shelter (from natural predators and the weather), the occasional trip to the Vet (and possibly medications) and love and affection (which is important to overall health and well-being.) We meddle with nature. We intervene with the natural course of life and then wonder why it does not fit our standards of expectation.

It will take time to go through the grief process. I too could not eat and am only now getting back to eating better. I have lost at least 30 lbs. since my lad departed 11 weeks ago. "The Grief Diet." I cried again this evening. Without sleeping pills I would not be sleeping.

Yes, statistically speaking IT WILL GET BETTER. Veteran members here are proof of that. Soon we will be able to think again of our lost loved ones and only the happiest, most cherished and fondest memories of them will come to our minds. 

Kind regards & my sincerest condolences,
James
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Apo181dsdc
James that was so beautifully written and really rung true for me and so many others.

Muki - You will find peace. I am also struggling coming to terms with my decisions but know you did your best and know that your girl only felt love throughout her life with you. It will get easier. We are in this together.
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Jan_H
I am so very sorry for your loss of your sweet girl. It is normal to feel guilty but you did what you thought was best. If you had brought her home you might feel guilty for not leaving her at the vets. You didn't abandon her. You left her where she could get treated, expecting to pick her up the next day.

When I lost my Jagger I did not share that at work because I knew nobody would understand. I just did my best to get through the day. Fortunately there are people here who understand your pain. It can help to share your feelings, pictures and stories regarding your sweet pup here.

My condolences,
Jan
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redgirlraven
I had such a similar story to yours. My Roary died alone at the vets instead of with me at home. I thought I was saving his life. Instead he died. The guilt is huge. I told him I would be bringing him home.
AR
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HamLuv16
My sweet Hammy also died while being hospitalized overnight. I remind myself that he had to be there because he was so sick. But I was there to comfort him before he went back. I sat on the floor with him and pet his head. I told him how proud I was of him for being so brave and how good of a boy he is.
They knew we were there for them and were doing the best we could, everything we could.
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Muki


Dear Muki,

I'm so sorry to read of your recent loss. Welcome to the Rainbow forum despite the unfortunate circumstances.

There are many kind, compassionate, emphatic, sympathetic, insightful, wise, experienced, warm, gracious and even witty people here. I have found it is much more comforting to visit here, and speak with others who feel the way that I do, then to speak to anyone else in my life. No one in my personal or professional life understands the level of grief that we are experiencing, unless they have had a pet that has provided them with unconditional love, the way that our pets did. This is the unfortunate truth of things, but it is their loss, not ours.

You did everything that you could do to try and save your girl. EVERYTHING. You had her stay overnight at the Vet's to be treated, in order for her to try and get better. That was a logical, rational, mature, caring thing to do. With no definitive diagnoses by the Vet at the time, including her potential remaining life expectancy, there was absolutely no way that you could realize, that she might not make it through the night. You also didn't want to disturb her, you were allowing her to rest.

I used to wonder what my boy (an orange and white tabby cat named "Marmalade") thought whenever I left him to go out on a run for food & supplies, or an errand each day, or night. I am self-employed so was able to spend a considerable amount of time with him, but when I did leave what must have he thought? I finally assumed that because I was the one bringing home the food for him (and me) he must have just thought I was out "hunting." And that he was not allowed to go with me, as it must be dangerous or something. Or that I was out on a "walk-about" as the Aussies have dubbed, it doing what we mysterious humans do. He didn't think I "abandoned" him. And I am certain that your little girl did not think that you abandoned her. She just assumed you were away doing human things and she needed to do what she had to do while at the Vet's.

But our minds play tricks on us when we are going through the grieving process. We endlessly 2nd guess ourselves. We walk through various alternative scenarios trying to figure out how things could have worked out differently, if we had just chose a different path, as death is so final. But what we have all learned here on this forum comparing notes is, it doesn't matter what path you chose or what the fates had in store for your pet (and you). We regret each path that was chosen. Each way our pet passed away (naturally, through an accident, or being euthanized etc.) seems wrong. Because death...seems wrong. But it is a natural part of life.

My boy also had a liver issue. And he was either misdiagnosed or undiagnosed. I chose a different path at the end. I had him put to sleep instead of having him stay overnight at the Vet's with an IV to re-hydrate him. He was done with all of the medical treatment. He had been to the Vet's 13 times in 90 days and had 2 invasive surgeries . But what if he had survived with just another day of treatment and fluids? See? Different decision, but here I am feeling just as bad as you do. When you chose the medical treatment. I feel regret and guilt because I did not.

He was around 13 or 14 years old. One thing we must remember always during the grieving process is our domesticated pets live longer than their bodies were designed or engineered to do so. Dogs live 10 years in the wild on average, if they are mid-size. Cat's only 2 to 5 years. Any time after that, is a bonus. We humans expand their lifetimes by simply providing them with food and water, shelter (from natural predators and the weather), the occasional trip to the Vet and possibly medications) and love and affection (which is important to overall health and well-being.) We meddle with nature. We intervene with the natural course of life and then wonder why it does not fit our standards of expectation.

It will take time to go through the grief process. I too could not eat and am only now getting back to eating better. I have lost at least 30 lbs. since my lad departed 11 11 weeks ago. "The Grief Diet." I cried again this evening. Without sleeping pills I would not be sleeping. Yes, statistically speaking IT WILL GET BETTER. Veteran members here are proof of that. Soon we will be able to think again of our lost loved ones and only the happiest, most cherished and fondest memories of them will come to mind. 

Kind regards & my sincere condolences,
James


James,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am so sorry to hear about your boy. Like you said, I guess no matter what path we chose we will always second guess ourselves...it is just hard. This week was rough for me. I think my body is running out of energy. I am soo tired all the time since I am barely sleeping. I was thinking about taking sleeping pills like you have, but I am afraid they will make me more tired the next day or I won't wake up in time to go to work...I don't know, maybe I should try them. I really hope things get better sooner than later. There are days when I am like ok I feel better and then the next day I cry and cry like it just happened yesterday. It is so hard just going on without her....
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Muki
My sweet Hammy also died while being hospitalized overnight. I remind myself that he had to be there because he was so sick. But I was there to comfort him before he went back. I sat on the floor with him and pet his head. I told him how proud I was of him for being so brave and how good of a boy he is.
They knew we were there for them and were doing the best we could, everything we could.

Dear HamLuv,

I'm so sorry to hear about your hammy. I try to tell myself like you do that she had to stay there because she was so sick and really had to be there. I guess it just kill me that I didn't ask to see her one more time, to kiss her and love on her one last time...
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Muki
redgirlraven wrote:
I had such a similar story to yours. My Roary died alone at the vets instead of with me at home. I thought I was saving his life. Instead he died. The guilt is huge. I told him I would be bringing him home.



Raven,

I am so sorry about the loss of your Roary. The guilt like you said is huge. I keep playing in my head over and over again the moment I walked out of the vet's office. I know it is not healthy and I need to let that go, but I can't.. I really can't not just yet because she was supposed to be back with me the next day :(
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Muki
Jan_H wrote:
I am so very sorry for your loss of your sweet girl. It is normal to feel guilty but you did what you thought was best. If you had brought her home you might feel guilty for not leaving her at the vets. You didn't abandon her. You left her where she could get treated, expecting to pick her up the next day.

When I lost my Jagger I did not share that at work because I knew nobody would understand. I just did my best to get through the day. Fortunately there are people here who understand your pain. It can help to share your feelings, pictures and stories regarding your sweet pup here.

My condolences,
Jan



Jan,

My husband also told me the same thing, he said if you would've brought her home then you would've wondered if she would've gotten better had you left her at the vet. Guess no matter what decision I made this was not going to be easy. I just wish I would've been there holding her, letting her know I loved her and I would miss her, but if she was not feeling well and was in pain to let go and I will be okay with that, even if I wasn't. I just wanted to be there for her one last time, gving her kisses like I used to do.

I am glad people here understand exactly how you feel and they don't judge you, because I haven't been able to find that anywhere else.


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Muki
Apo181dsdc wrote:
James that was so beautifully written and really rung true for me and so many others.

Muki - You will find peace. I am also struggling coming to terms with my decisions but know you did your best and know that your girl only felt love throughout her life with you. It will get easier. We are in this together.



Apo,

Thank you for your words, and I'm sorry about your loss. I really do hope it  get easier. Glad I found this place. I am hoping it helps me get through this because it continues to be incredibly hard to keep going. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my little girl.
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redgirlraven
Muki wrote:


Dear Muki,

I'm so sorry to read of your recent loss. Welcome to the Rainbow forum despite the unfortunate circumstances.

There are many kind, compassionate, emphatic, sympathetic, insightful, wise, experienced, warm, gracious and even witty people here. I have found it is much more comforting to visit here, and speak with others who feel the way that I do, then to speak to anyone else in my life. No one in my personal or professional life understands the level of grief that we are experiencing, unless they have had a pet that has provided them with unconditional love, the way that our pets did. This is the unfortunate truth of things, but it is their loss, not ours.

You did everything that you could do to try and save your girl. EVERYTHING. You had her stay overnight at the Vet's to be treated, in order for her to try and get better. That was a logical, rational, mature, caring thing to do. With no definitive diagnoses by the Vet at the time, including her potential remaining life expectancy, there was absolutely no way that you could realize, that she might not make it through the night. You also didn't want to disturb her, you were allowing her to rest.

I used to wonder what my boy (an orange and white tabby cat named "Marmalade") thought whenever I left him to go out on a run for food & supplies, or an errand each day, or night. I am self-employed so was able to spend a considerable amount of time with him, but when I did leave what must have he thought? I finally assumed that because I was the one bringing home the food for him (and me) he must have just thought I was out "hunting." And that he was not allowed to go with me, as it must be dangerous or something. Or that I was out on a "walk-about" as the Aussies have dubbed, it doing what we mysterious humans do. He didn't think I "abandoned" him. And I am certain that your little girl did not think that you abandoned her. She just assumed you were away doing human things and she needed to do what she had to do while at the Vet's.

But our minds play tricks on us when we are going through the grieving process. We endlessly 2nd guess ourselves. We walk through various alternative scenarios trying to figure out how things could have worked out differently, if we had just chose a different path, as death is so final. But what we have all learned here on this forum comparing notes is, it doesn't matter what path you chose or what the fates had in store for your pet (and you). We regret each path that was chosen. Each way our pet passed away (naturally, through an accident, or being euthanized etc.) seems wrong. Because death...seems wrong. But it is a natural part of life.

My boy also had a liver issue. And he was either misdiagnosed or undiagnosed. I chose a different path at the end. I had him put to sleep instead of having him stay overnight at the Vet's with an IV to re-hydrate him. He was done with all of the medical treatment. He had been to the Vet's 13 times in 90 days and had 2 invasive surgeries . But what if he had survived with just another day of treatment and fluids? See? Different decision, but here I am feeling just as bad as you do. When you chose the medical treatment. I feel regret and guilt because I did not.

He was around 13 or 14 years old. One thing we must remember always during the grieving process is our domesticated pets live longer than their bodies were designed or engineered to do so. Dogs live 10 years in the wild on average, if they are mid-size. Cat's only 2 to 5 years. Any time after that, is a bonus. We humans expand their lifetimes by simply providing them with food and water, shelter (from natural predators and the weather), the occasional trip to the Vet and possibly medications) and love and affection (which is important to overall health and well-being.) We meddle with nature. We intervene with the natural course of life and then wonder why it does not fit our standards of expectation.

It will take time to go through the grief process. I too could not eat and am only now getting back to eating better. I have lost at least 30 lbs. since my lad departed 11 11 weeks ago. "The Grief Diet." I cried again this evening. Without sleeping pills I would not be sleeping. Yes, statistically speaking IT WILL GET BETTER. Veteran members here are proof of that. Soon we will be able to think again of our lost loved ones and only the happiest, most cherished and fondest memories of them will come to mind. 

Kind regards & my sincere condolences,
James


James,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am so sorry to hear about your boy. Like you said, I guess no matter what path we chose we will always second guess ourselves...it is just hard. This week was rough for me. I think my body is running out of energy. I am soo tired all the time since I am barely sleeping. I was thinking about taking sleeping pills like you have, but I am afraid they will make me more tired the next day or I won't wake up in time to go to work...I don't know, maybe I should try them. I really hope things get better sooner than later. There are days when I am like ok I feel better and then the next day I cry and cry like it just happened yesterday. It is so hard just going on without her....
AR
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redgirlraven
Muki,
Everything you are feeling is normal. I will say this however, I would encourage you to seek out some medical evaluation/help, Grief can make us sick. If you are a female grief can trigger any number of issues typically autoimmune or other stress induced illness. I only say this because you write of feeling weak and tired. Yes that can be from the grief alone but perhaps there is a physical component as well. Regardless, as you are not sleeping there are better medications available from your doctor for sleep and/or anxiety than over the counter. Really the only sleep agent available over the counter is Benadryl (Diphenhydramine) that is what is in things like Unisom. You do need sleep to heal. Also I just woke from a dream with my Roary in it. The brain needs to process trauma and one of the ways it does this is through dreams. You need to allow this to happen.
If you do not want to or cannot see a doctor right now I would suggest getting some Melatonin (3mg to start for a female is a good dose to begin with) and some L-theanine (it helps the melatonin work) and try taking that at least 2 to 3 hours before your desired bedtime. If that doesn’t work you can double the melatonin dosage the next night. But again take it hours before you want to sleep. I still encourage you to get physically evaluated. Get some blood work done. Get a thyroid level done and a vitamin D. Grief and trauma can have physical effects and some of what you describe makes me think you might need a doctor to look at you.
James, if you are reading this I would say the same
To you because of your weight loss. While concerning, I’m not going to lie, I am jealous! In the 7 weeks since my sweet Roary died I have gained 20 lbs from just lying around and eating garbage foods which isn’t healthy either.
AR
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Muki
Redgirlraven,
Thank you for your words and your concern. I will try to find some time to get some Melatonin. I just need to get some more sleep and I think I will have my energy back. Some days are better than others.
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Memories_of_Marmalade


AR wrote:

James, if you are reading this I would say the same
To you because of your weight loss. While concerning, I’m not going to lie, I am jealous! In the 7 weeks since my sweet Roary died I have gained 20 lbs from just lying around and eating garbage foods which isn’t healthy either. 

I'll be right over Anne! : )  That sounds much better & funner than what I have been doing!

XO,
James
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