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MiasMomma

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Posts: 49
Reply with quote  #46 
I'm right there with you... you are never alone. I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm confused. I feel as though no matter how illogical my thoughts are, I'll never stop blaming myself for her not being here. Euthanizing your best friend, your furry soul mate, is pure Hell, no matter what the circumstances are. I feel like I failed my little love.

I can tell you that I've lost both of my parents and miscarried a baby, and this is the worst I've ever felt. The love of a fur baby, especially one you have a special and unique bond with, is a very different kind of pain. They love us for exactly who we are, so completely and unconditionally, no matter what. They can't fake it. If they don't like you, you'll know it. So when they choose you to be their best friend, it's just amazing. They choose you over and over no matter what kind of mood you're in, no matter what you look like, no matter how badly you've screwed something up. They don't judge you or blame you for mistakes, that stuff doesn't matter to them. Their capacity for love and forgiveness is infinite. That's part of why losing them is SO hard.

I miss my beautiful girl like no other. She was my once in a lifetime girl... my furry soul mate. No matter what contributed to my decision to let her leave this world while she was still happy and smiling that massive smile, it's incredibly hard not to feel guilty for it. I'm not sure I'll ever get over it. :(
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Magentacharliesmom

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Reply with quote  #47 
I know I completely understand I don't think there's any way to feel better the grief of shape has come in like a freight train I made canvas print pictures and put them all over my house so I can talk to Charlie everywhere in the house everywhere I look in his picture I don't know if it's helpful I don't know that there's anything that's helpful other than getting on here and talking to other people that feel the same way otherwise it's very isolating sad and dark I'm praying for you hopefully you'll start to get some signs that she still there with you I've had a few from Charlie but I'm still not sure about it any of it I just don't know why it happened and I'm really really pissed that it happened I totally understand your grief your pain and guilt I keep wondering if I could have done something should have done something and I lost my kid he wasn't even four years old
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Will_Never_Forgive_Myself

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Reply with quote  #48 
Magentacharliesmom,
I have been unable to look at my dog's pictures for more than a second before I break down, I think because I know I sent him there, but I didn't mean to. Somehow I wasn't thinking. Shame on me! It's all so hard for me. I chose my dog to go instead of holding him tight and saying NO he's not going, the plan is off! That appt was already made and I can thank my husband for that. Why was it me who had to remember to cancel it, well I guess because I didn't want it and my husband still kept his plan, never discussing with me if I was in agreement. NO! I was not ok with it. How busy was he or we that we couldn't talk about it first before it came up? How could he allow him to have something like this anyway?
It was a wrong idea from the start. My dog wasn't supposed to go there! I can't understand why there was no angel to guide me to do the right thing or at least watch over my baby and keep him safe. I needed guidance. I can't explain how sick I feel about this. I'm having health problems from the stress. Somehow accidentally I set his fate. Such a horrible mistake I can't forget or forgive myself! He was young (6) too, like Charlie (4). It's just so unfair. I hope Charlie's pictures give you comfort. They may help you feel he is close to you. I hope over time the pictures provide a peaceful feeling.
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Will_Never_Forgive_Myself

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Reply with quote  #49 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MiasMomma
My girl, you need to forgive yourself. YOU did nothing wrong. Nothing. You could not have predicted what was going to happen. We take our babies to vets when we need their assistance and we trust that they will care for our babies as we do. I know that doesn't make losing your sweet boy any easier, but you're being too hard on yourself. Would you have ever intentionally done anything to harm your boy? No. Would you have ever intentionally put him in a situation where you thought someone else would harm him? No. Intent means everything in this situation. You did nothing intentionally to hurt him, and he knows that. That's the wonderful thing about our pups, they don't blame or hold grudges. They live purely for the moment. All he knew of you was love. I'm grieving for my girl as well. I relive every moment over and over and wonder if I made the right choice. It's so hard. Grief is brutal... and it makes you believe things that we KNOW rationally are simply not true. Grief isn't rational. It's a cold, unrelenting freight train.


Hi MiasMomma
I am living with regret and guilt every minute of the day. I need to add how much I miss my dog. I never intended on my dog to go to that vet that day especially. Somehow I accidentally sent him there. My husband set up dental cleaning appts for 2 of our dogs and I picked this day for him to go and that's NOT WHAT I WANTED.  I never wanted those dental appts. I made the mistake of not cancelling them and not discussing them with my husband so either one of us could cancel it. The first mistake was going to that vet. He was not our regular vet and we should have never gone to him.  Next mistake was having an appt like that. My dogs did not need it at that time. I wanted to wait. My husband was in a hurry for some reason. I had bad feelings. I didn't know this vet that well. I didn't want anesthesia just for dental. The next mistake was not talking about it at all to my husband and tell him I was so afraid something bad would happen and I wanted to skip it. The next mistake was sending him there -- sending him there when I didn't want that!!!  I forgot or something and my worst fears came true. He never made it home.  I'm living with this guilt and question myself why I didn't think twice the day he went. Why did I even keep this appt?  Why didn't I cancel it when I had so many chances. I can't answer any of those. I don't know. I only needed to make one phone call. It's too hard for me to live with. I'm getting physically ill now. I can't face that my dog is gone and he could be here if not for a stupid idiotic mistake. He was only 6 and very healthy.  I know the story if it didn't happen there, then who knows what could have happened to him after that, yes, true, but whatever that may have been would not have been something I could directly blame myself. This is completely my fault. I do feel my husband has some part of this because he was too hung up on this dental stuff and with that vet who we did not know very well. It's put a strain on my marriage where before this everything was great. Now everything is dark. I cry everyday. I know that won't bring him back. That's why I am so sad. He's not coming back. He's gone forever. I have to live with that. It tears me apart.


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Missing_Brighton

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Reply with quote  #50 
I feel the same way. A piece of my heart is definitely missing!!! The pain is so deep. This group is helpful to realize I'm not alone in my grief. My heart is so broken and I can't imagine getting back to normal without him. 💔 So deeply sorry for your pain. All of you. This is the price of loving them so much, I guess. I guess that makes it worth it.
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Missing_Brighton

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Reply with quote  #51 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Will_Never_Forgive_Myself
My baby. I cried all day for you. It's so unfair. You should be here. I don't know how to go on. It's so difficult. I don't understand. I want you here. You were too young. Nothing is right. I'm not the same. I haven't smiled or laughed. I feel so empty. I am so sorry. I miss you so so much. I can't believe you're gone. I want to see you again with your sweet kisses. Such a happy and loving dog taken away much too soon. I never got to say goodbye. My baby, I'm sorry. I love you so much. I've always loved you and your big heart Every day is a struggle. I barely get through the day, and I think about you day and night.

I love you my baby.
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Will_Never_Forgive_Myself

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Reply with quote  #52 
I am having a really hard time with this. It is agonizing pain that consumes me every waking moment, all day and night. I am living with the most horrendous mistakes my husband and I have made. Nothing can change it now yet it eats away at me like a disease. I am trying to cope but everything around me reminds me of my precious little boy. Unless I have my memory wiped clean, I don't know how to get through this. All I can think of are those important words I neglected to say, "No, he's not going." So simple but not spoken and now I am suffering the worst time of my life. I've been waiting for time to heal me, but time seems to stand still. It feels as bad and with as much hurt as the first day. I feel like I'm dying inside.
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Kai_Baby1

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Reply with quote  #53 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Will_Never_Forgive_Myself
I am having a really hard time with this. It is agonizing pain that consumes me every waking moment, all day and night. I am living with the most horrendous mistakes my husband and I have made. Nothing can change it now yet it eats away at me like a disease. I am trying to cope but everything around me reminds me of my precious little boy. Unless I have my memory wiped clean, I don't know how to get through this. All I can think of are those important words I neglected to say, "No, he's not going." So simple but not spoken and now I am suffering the worst time of my life. I've been waiting for time to heal me, but time seems to stand still. It feels as bad and with as much hurt as the first day. I feel like I'm dying inside.


Everyone reading your posts, trust me understands why you might blame yourself so. But, please you must also understand that this is NOT your fault! So you didn't listen to your intuition on this occasion but, who of us here are not guilty of the same? I KNOW for sure i caused suffering to someone I loved because I didn't listen to my gut, but you know what we do the best we can at the time. You MUST stop blaming yourself if not for you do it for your beautiful boy. Ask yourself honestly, do you think that this is what he would want for you all this self loathing and self blaming, of course not!!! He loves you whole heartily and is no doubt in turmoil seeing you so hurt yourself so. The ONLY thing that matters to him is that you loved him as he loved you, nothing else matters!!  You must start to forgive yourself for his sake as much as your own. We are all dying here and time has stood still for all of us. We know what you are saying, I feel like I could drop dead any second for the pain of being parted with my beloved Kai baby. Believe me we all have regrets which we have to reconcile with, you really aren't alone as you think you are, It is time now to start forgive yourself as we all have had to do. Love yourself as much as he does!!!
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Will_Never_Forgive_Myself

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Reply with quote  #54 
It is my fault! First my husband because he set up that fateful appt to start. Then I guess it was my responsibility or problem to make sure the appt was cancelled. of course my husband was still going to do this. So I got somehow busy, preoccupied, distracted, and accidentally sent him there. I relive that moment when I didn't think twice and it was too late. It seems different from the outside, but I know more first-hand. The tears don't stop. I should be holding my baby. There will never be any excuse for this. I miss my dog every minute of the day. I have not come to terms with this because I know there's more to this story and there is someone else who should feel the most responsible.
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Will_Never_Forgive_Myself

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Reply with quote  #55 
My Dear Little Peanut Parker,
 
It is almost 4 months since you are gone, and your mom is trying to do her best to keep it together. I have a lot of crying bouts during the times I would usually see you. I wake up a lot in the middle of the night and I cry again. I really wish I could take back everything and have you here. After all this time I am still not myself. I have stopped doing the things I used to. It doesn't seem the same without you peeking your little head around the wall to watch your mom cook or better yet, to see if I dropped a crumb or two for you to scoop up. How I miss those moments. I took them for granted. I always thought you would be here the longest because of your unbelievable energy. 
 
I'm sure your brothers miss the morning craziness along with the mealtime craziness. It was all you Parker. You were the fun one. The motivator. The pack leader. That has all changed. I wish so much you were here. I can't explain why things like this happen. Parker, I want to tell you how much I feel about you and how much I miss and love you. I always loved you and your brothers equally. I loved you all for the different ways you were and things you did. The funny things, the lovable things. Leroy has his funny sounding yawn.  Porter rolls around in his bed while wrapping himself in his blanket, kicking his feet, sort of like Curly Howard when he said, "Moe, Larry, the cheese."  You had your zany ways to get your brothers all worked up and excited. You were the clown. Always up to something funny. like biting Leroy on his legs and ears to get him to play with you.  You were always funny when you rolled on your back, too. Your non-stop kisses.  It was always funny when you ran so fast down the stairs with the crocodile squeaky as big as you and you would never let go.
 
My dear little Parker, I will never understand why you were taken from us so soon. We all needed you here. You were the rock. As small as you were, you were our hero when you chased away that huge Rottweiler after it charged us. You protected us. We were so proud of you. I wish I could have shown you more appreciation. I may have taken you for granted thinking you would be here forever, as long as your age and health allowed. Now I make sure I spend as much time with your brothers. Porter is being treated for pancreatitis and I can't afford to lose him, too. I will go over the edge. I can't handle another loss for a very long time. You were a wonderful dog and loved all of us. The loss of you has put me on the edge.
 
Parker, I think about you all day and I miss you always.
 
Please remember that your mom loves you forever and ever.  I will never stop.
 
I love you,
 
Mom
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Will_Never_Forgive_Myself

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Reply with quote  #56 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andee
It has been almost 4 months since you lost your beloved fur baby. I am so sorry for your loss. I have concern for you. You have said a few times that you get physically ill from your loss. You have also said a few times that it has put strain on your marriage. These are both reasons that you should seek counseling for your loss. Grief over the loss of our pets is a normal part of our lives. But, when our grief becomes such that it makes us physically ill or interferes with our relationships with others, it is time to seek outside help through counseling or therapy. You deserve to feel your best and your pets need you to be at your best whenever possible. It is easy to see by your writings that you are not allowing yourself to heal. Please, for the sake of your health, the health of your marriage, and for your present and future pets, have the courage to seek counseling for your loss so that you may heal. I wish only the best for you, your husband, and your pets now and in the future.


Hi Andee,
Yes, it's almost 4 months when I lost my wonderful dog, Parker. Thank you for your condolence. This hit me like a Mack Truck. It was a happy day, a holiday that turned dark for me.  You may have read I had reservations about the procedure in the first place, I never wanted it. Yes, my marriage is strained because my husband insisted on this "routine" dental cleaning despite my objections that I was concerned about anesthesia and I didn't want it done. I wanted to wait and return to our regular vet who is very good and had anesthetized our dogs at least 2x each with no problem. He knew our dogs since pups. This other guy was not our regular vet, but my husband insisted we take our dogs there instead of our regular vet even though there wasn't anything wrong with our regular vet. Besides being fixated on going to this vet and the dental cleaning, he insisted on setting up the appt.  I intended on canceling the appt, but with the holiday I was extremely busy and I don't know what happened, why I didn't get around to it. Why I allowed him to take him there that day. I don't know. It's as if I blanked out and didn't remember it was for the cleaning. All I had to do was keep him home and tell them he wasn't going. I neglected to do that. My intuition came true. I had bad feelings about it and it turned out bad. My dog is gone for no reason. He didn't need dental cleaning. He had a cleaning a few years earlier. My husband made it sound as if he would get heart disease or sick if it wasn't done right away. We couldn't wait a few months? 

Yes, there is strain, I feel that way and I keep it to myself. I'm pretty annoyed at the way he handled it and I feel I was pressured into it and he didn't listen to me.  I am extremely annoyed with the vet, the way my dog died and on Xmas Eve, it just made everything that much harder for me to handle, and by myself. I wasn't getting any comfort from him even though I kept my feelings about him to myself. He told me several times I needed to "get over it." I blame myself for it. I feel I only needed to keep Parker home that day and none of this would have happened, but then I think he wouldn't have gone if he didn't set the appt in the first place.  We had our first grief counselor visit last week and another one coming up. I'll reveal my feelings about my husband on that day. I regret that I made a bad mistake. I know I'm not supposed to feel guilty, etc. Easier said than done, right?  I miss my dog so much, I am with them 24/7 and he was the pack leader. He was so young (6 years) and full of endless energy. I feel cheated. I feel he was cheated out of a life he loved and all of us he loved. I feel his brothers were cheated out of a good friend. And all for an unnecessary, voluntary, preventable procedure. I'm thinking positive the grief counselor is my answer because I have been dealing with this alone this whole time. Thanks for your thoughts and insight. 


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Will_Never_Forgive_Myself

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Reply with quote  #57 
Hi Andee and Missing Brighton,
It is now over 4 months since I lost my little peanut Parker. I am still in a dark place with a great deal of sadness. I have his 2 brothers to care for. They are the only reason I exist. I am not healed. We are both going to a counselor for grief and our marriage although I am still bitter against my husband. It's not because he wanted to do something good, but because he insisted and insisted and he made the appt when I wanted to blow it off. Plus, he wanted to keep going to that other vet. I'm a procrastinator so I know there wouldn't be any dental appt at this time. I intended to return to our regular vet who as I may have mentioned in other posts, knew my dogs since they were pups and had seen them several times a year for 5 years. If anything ever happened with our regular vet I would not believe he did something wrong. I believe he would do everything possible to save my dog, that's how he is. He puts a lot of effort into his pet patients. He's an experienced vet who treats horses to mice. We are with our regular vet again. My dogs only saw that other vet 2-3x. He barely knew our dogs. My regular vet knew Parker was nervous and he knew how to handle him and calm him. His method of dental cleaning is less risky than that other vet, which I learned after it was too late. I thought they all used the same medications for "routine" dental cleaning. Had I known this other guy used very strong drugs I would have never gone there anymore and I would have fought my husband about it. I don't even know if the anesthesia was the cause. I believe my dog died in fear and they may have given him meds while he was so petrified and it caused his heart to fail. He wrote "fractious" in the notes. He acknowledged my dog was fighting for his life, petrified, and probably trying to bite them. How does a vet keep a pet there in that condition and continue with a voluntary procedure? He had a responsibility to call me and let me know how frightened my dog was and he should never have continued with the procedure unless I said it was okay. This vet was nothing like our first vet who has a way with animals, like Dr. Dolittle. I am so sorry now that I allowed this. I must have been out of my mind because I ignored my intuition when I felt it was all wrong from the start. Parker was the pack leader. A big loss here. Nothing here is the same. I feel shame for putting my sweet young dog in harm's way, I feel guilty, I lost a part of me, and I am not the same. 

.

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Will_Never_Forgive_Myself

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Posts: 63
Reply with quote  #58 

It's been more than 4 months. I'm still in bewilderment how and why this happened. Trust in a professional is not guaranteed as I have found out in a gut-wrenching way.

I miss my little guy. He was the pack leader. I was a follower. It's painful to know he's in a box. I can't open the closet where he is. His collar is still in an envelope. I haven't moved it. I can't bear to look at it. I'm still hurting. I feel like I'm in a trance, floating, and I'm not grounded. I just hope he didn't die anxious or in fear.

I miss you Parker. It's been tough for me. I find it hard to understand why and how this happened. I think about you all the time. You were always the leader. You were my leader.  I hope you are happy where you are. I want you to know that I am missing you. Rest in peace my little one.

To My Dear Little Parker,

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way through night and day

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please

Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven

I miss you and I love you,
Mom

 


(some verses omitted)  Songwriters: Eric Patrick Clapton / Will Jennings

 

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opus

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Posts: 48
Reply with quote  #59 
Hello, I am so sorry that you lost your precious Parker.
And I am also sorry to know that you are suffering so much.
Huggs to you.

__________________
Jace, I love you greatly and I always will.
Be free from pain and disability and take joy in your new life across the rainbow bridge. May we be united again someday.

In the meantime I hope I can find peace and the support I need to get through this pain.
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Will_Never_Forgive_Myself

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Posts: 63
Reply with quote  #60 
Hi Opus,
Thank you for your thoughts. I am still having a very had time. I always worried so much about my dogs. I can't understand why I wasn't worried more about this and allowed it to happen. Every morning I relive it like the movie, "Groundhog Day".  It plays over and over in my head.  I feel trapped in my grief and guilt. The loss will always be there. I miss him so much, nothing is right here. It's like time has stood still here. I had a sort uncommon tragedy so I'm finding it hard to move on. I am nowhere near that point. The sadness overwhelms me. I have to be strong for his 2 brothers. Thanks again.
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