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Will_Never_Forgive_Myself

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Reply with quote  #31 
The loss of my dog has been the most agonizing period of my life. I am in so much pain, I don't know how others do it. Mine was a tragic circumstance and he was young. Maybe that's why I'm having a hard time accepting this. I am living daily in disbelief. I never got to say goodbye. It all seems unreal. I'm still bargaining to get him back, but that's not real. I am in denial he's gone. I always believed he would live a very long life. He was always healthy. I cared and watched over him and thought he would always be safe. Then someone I trusted took his life away just like that, as if he never existed. I am faced with a grueling situation of grieving and crying. I ask why? I don't understand. I miss my dog tremendously. Nothing is the same. I am not the same. I wish I could have one chance to make it right.
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Will_Never_Forgive_Myself

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Reply with quote  #32 
Hello my little one. I've thought of you everyday and I keep wishing you were here. Your brothers are so much quieter without their best friend. They miss you.

I still can't believe you're gone. I keep feeling this is a bad dream and I will wake up with you suddenly there. Your dad said I only had to tell you didn't have to go there and he would have been fine with that.

My baby, I don't where I went wrong. I feel responsible you are not here. Time seems to have no purpose without you. I am sorry and I take all the blame for not stopping you from going there. I trusted them. This was the worst mistake in my life and now my little son is gone.

I have been having a hard time with this. I try to keep my chin up so I don't pass sad vibes to you. It's just so unbelievable that you were only there an hour or two and he took your life away, just like that. He had nothing to tell me. I wish you could talk from Heaven and tell me what really happened. I'm sure when this is checked out he will lie because I found out too late that they lied to me about other things.

I wish I could change this. I wish I had made a better decision. You would be here and I know you would have a long healthy life.

I am so sorry. There aren't enough words to describe how sorry I am. I wish so much that this never happened.

I miss you.
I love you.

Your Mom
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Will_Never_Forgive_Myself

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Reply with quote  #33 
Hello my baby, another day without you and the pain remains I never imagined that you would be gone at such a young age. I had so many plans. I was sewing and making coats for you and your brothers.

I remember not long before this terrible thing that happened to you, you were my little model and you were so good about it, just like everything else. You kept getting up and trying on the new base layer I was making for the winter. You let me try it on you and got up and down and what sweet little boy you were about it.

I am still in disbelief you are not here. It doesn't seem right. I just had to make one call and you would have never gone to that evil vet. I keep feeling that I failed you. I didn't consider you were so frightened. I thought the vet would know better and call me if you were scared, it wasn't worth stressing you out. He never called He did what he wanted with no regard for you or the rest of us.

Please forgive me if it seems I didn't think of you. I did think of you I want you to know I have always and will always love you. I wish so much you could be here I miss your sparkling eyes and your cute little kisses. Oh how affectionate you were So loving and cuddly. Always wanting to be near all of us. You never had a favorite. We were all equally loved by you.

It is so unfair. I want that vet to pay for his incompetence and negligence. That will never bring you back, but I need justice for you How dare he take your life and give no explanation except to tell me I'll still have memories!

My sweet little boy, My Little Peanut, please know I love you forever. I miss you every single day.

Love,
Mom
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BethK

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Reply with quote  #34 
I can tell by your writings that you loved your little boy with all your heart. I am also sure you made the best decision you could with the info you had at the time. Try not to beat yourself up over decisions that didn’t work out as expected. If you would have made a different decision there is no way to know what would have happened...possibly no different result. It seems like we all deal with guilt over choices we make in caring for our sweet babies in the end.
Tell me about your best friend. Post a pic.
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Will_Never_Forgive_Myself

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Reply with quote  #35 
This has been the hardest of anything else in my life. I would never have imagined I would be going through this and writing about a loss so early in my dog's life. He was only 6 I go over it in my head again and again and I don't know how I overlooked my dog. I meant to cancel that appt and for some reason I didn't think about it the days before or on that day. I should have written myself reminders like I do for so many other things. That vet didn't do the right things which resulted in his passing, and they lied to me about a lot. I know my dog would be here if I just made that call. Once I got his records I would have seen what they kept from me and I know I would not return there. We would be back at our first vet as we are now. He uses safer meds and he knows my dogs very well. You can't imagine how much I want to go back in time because I know I could have changed the outcome -- he wouldn't go there and he would be with me today. I'm not very happy with myself. I do feel I failed. I had so many reservations about taking him there, I worried something bad may happen, and I totally screwed up. It wasn't a choice I made, it was what I neglected to do. I cost my dog his life. I can't forgive myself. This has taken a toll on my health which is opposite of me regularly taking care of myself. I am so sad about this. I think the bad idea was to make the appt on a pre-holiday in the first place. Because it was hectic during the holidays I lost track of time. The only thing I can think of. Again, I should left notes for myself. I will never get over this. It will haunt me to my grave.
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Will_Never_Forgive_Myself

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Reply with quote  #36 
I feel like We brought our dog to that vet to die. Like we gave him permission. My little guy was very frightened. It disturbs me to see vet's note for that day saying how scared my dog was and he never picked up the phone to tell me and ask me if I wanted to pick him up rather than stress him. There's nothing else in the notes that explain what this vet did. He couldn't call me and let me know my dog was in a state of panic? What kind of person would allow my dog to be that scared? Evil. That's what kind. I'm reading the laws and codes because I'm filing a complaint. According to the cose this falls under abuse. To knowingly keep my dog there in that state and not communicate with the client -- me. Maybe he wasn't in the room after that, which is also against the law. He was to be direct supervising at the very least. I am full of sorrow. I wish I just made that 1 call. Pretty angry with myself. So very sorry for my sweet little boy that I allowed him to be there with that evil vet. That vet is in for a surprise. He never read and explained the consent form about procedure and risks. Not one word. Another code he broke. I didn't even get a copy. I truly hope the state comes down on him. I will be suing him in small claims court, too. They lied about so many things that's why I believe something bad happened to my dog.
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BethK

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Reply with quote  #37 
I am so sorry for the guilt and anger you are feeling. I understand how you are feeling since our situations are somewhat the same. My Jackson was sick but it was difficult to get a diagnosis. We needed to keep testing and ultimately surgery to find out he had lymphoma which had spread all over. My sweetheart was always very scared as well. That part makes my heart hurt the most. After the surgery he never came back to the way he was before the surgery...sick but some quality of life. We eventually had to euthanize him. I could swear he was mad st me for putting him through all that and I wasted any quality time we could have had with him instead being in the hospital and at home recuperating from extensive surgery. I now know, like you, my decisions were wrong I have read writings from others that nothing we would’ve done differently would change the outcome. If you believe in predestiny then that would be true. I’m not sure what I believe. I do believe, though, that Jackson and your sweetheart would not want to be the source of such intense grief. I try to remind myself of that which helps a little sometimes. Know you are in my thought which I hope might ease your pain some
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Will_Never_Forgive_Myself

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Reply with quote  #38 
This is all wrong. It's just wrong. I am still in disbelief even after all this time. It's not like he was sick or old. He was 6. Healthy. I didn't have a warning. I never got to say goodbye. Hard day today. Thinking about him a lot. Nothing is the same. His brothers are sitting by the window. He would be with me. He would follow me throughout the house. He was very lovable. Wonderful, loving dog. This can't be real.

I bought a storage cabinet for my basement last fall when we were fixing up the basement, making it cozy for our dogs. I would have never, ever imagined that cabinet would be housing my dog's ashes. I haven't been able to take them out. I guess I'm in denial.  I don't want to break down and cry for days.  This was a routine procedure. He's there and in one hour he's gone?  They have nothing to say to me?  I still think he was in fear and could have stressed so much something happened to him. They are not going to tell me that because the law says that they have to contact the owner if the pet is suffering, in fear, or frightened. Plus, they should have given me a mild tranquilizer to give him an hour before going there so he would not be stressed. They didn't do that. They didn't do a lot of things. I hope there is some kind of surveillance camera. I don't want to know the details, but I do want the state to see what really happened.  

I know don't blame myself, etc., etc. I feel partly responsible. No, I did not directly cause my dog's passing, but I will say it again and again, I could have and should have prevented that ordeal from happening because I had a very bad feeling from the day the appt was made. Maybe I couldn't prevent something else, but for sure I could have prevented that and he would be here. It was my plan to stop it. I cry because I don't know why I didn't stop it. There were 2 appts, one for him and one for his brother the next day
. I didn't want either one to go.  What did I do?!  This is not going away soon. It will be with me for a long time. I feel ashamed of myself. I can't help but be so disappointed in myself. I should have told them that morning he wasn't coming. I've probably written most of this over and over in my posts. It runs through my mind over and over. I'm usually on top of things that's why I don't know what happened why I didn't follow through. Why?  I certainly had enough time from the pre-op. Why do these things happen the way they do?  
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Will_Never_Forgive_Myself

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Reply with quote  #39 
I can't help but think how many opportunities I had to put the kibosh on it. My husband was no help. He pressured me and was adamant about having this dental done right away because they would stay healthy. So, if I waited till after the holidays, that would be too late? I know if I waited, we would have had to do the lab work again and  wasn't going to pay them again for that. Once I saw the flagged lab work that they never mentioned, that would have been the end of them. My little boy would be here, kissing me like always. He was an affectionate and loving little guy. For a little guy he gave so much love. He would sit next to one brother and then the other brother and then come by us, then start over. We didn't know then why he was doing that. I figured it out. He loved being close to all of us. Since we were all in separate places, he had to take turns by doing that. If we were all sitting together, he probably would have been in the middle. He was such a lovable, beautiful, wonderful little man. I loved and love him so much. He and his 2 brothers were puppy rescues. I had their Beagle brother first and then a couple of weeks later I was asked by the rescue if I didn't mind fostering them while they healed from being neutered. They were small. 10 and 11 lbs Chihuahua-Beagles. I fell in love with them immediately.

I asked my husband if I could keep them, he didn't give me an answer right away. The rescue president kept asking if I was going to take them because she had people asking about them. My husband was worried 3 would be too many dogs, so he said I had to pick one. I told him, no way was I splitting them up. They were small enough that 2 of them were like 1 of our Beagle. He said we could keep them both and they were always loads of fun. My husband became very attached to him. That's why I don't understand that he is not in as much shock and pain as I am.  He was always his favorite.

I wish so much to change it. One chance. Just one. I just need 1 chance to make that call. The same day. I could call and tell them we are not doing it.  That would be it. I could have cancelled it weeks before and sprung the news to my husband the day before and I would have saved him from a terrible, terrible tragedy. We are at a loss and he was robbed of his life. He loved life. He was a little dog and everything made him happy. It doesn't take much for our babies to be happy. They are happy enough when we smile at them. Then they know we love them. They don't ask for much. I am so sorry my little boy. I don't know where I failed. How could I have overlooked this and let my husband just take him that morning and not think about it. We had some company, and I was busy because it was Xmas Eve. Was that it?  Was I too preoccupied and lost track?  What about the weeks before?  I had all that time to tell them NO. I should have written myself notes all over to remind myself. I should have asked my neighbor to remind me. I just had to tell my husband I didn't want it and don't bring it up again.  My husband better think outside the box and of consequences for any future decisions he makes about anything. This bad decision cost a life. 

I failed him terribly. How can I say I loved him when I allowed this? I was getting bad vibes from that place already. They proved to be very sneaky and liars. I found out who they really were after my dog passed. I had to lose my dog?  That is a terrible price to pay. I was willing to give them up way before my husband wanted to go with them. I was happy with our first vet who we back with. It all doesn't make sense. None of it. He had 3 visits in total there and that's all it took to take his life away. Wait till I get them in small claims court. There will be a lot of shouting. I won't forget my letter to that vet which will include saying that I wish that vet was never born. 

Oh, my baby, I'm so sorry. If you can hear me, I am talking while I write this. I never, ever meant to harm you in any way. I was always so overprotective that's why none if this make sense to me. It's like it's just a bad dream and it' not real. I love you my baby. I'm sorry your mom hurt you. I would never do that on purpose. This was some terrible mistake, some kind of miscommunication. Maybe I didn't think you were really going there. Maybe I thought your dad would discuss it with me before that day. He left early that morning. I should have run to that phone and told them to stop everything, that I was coming to pick you up. You will not be getting this done. I didn't do that. You are gone. My fault. I let you down. I'll never see you again.  I miss you so, so much. My love for you will never end. I wish you could come back now. Things will never be the same without you. I am not the same. I'm missing a piece of me.

I love you so much. I miss you tremendously.

Love,
Mom
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Will_Never_Forgive_Myself

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Reply with quote  #40 
I don't know if when you read my posts if it sounds clear how I am feeling and why. You see, my husband pressured me to set up dental cleaning starting with the lab work. I was against it. He pressed for it and pressured me in front of the office staff. So I set up the lab work just to keep him happy. I thought he would let it go. My dog was scared to death the day of the lab work. This was a vet who only met him 1x before. It was my husband who insisted we bring all our dogs to this guy even though they already had a vet since pups. On the way out the day of the lab work, he pressured me to set up the cleaning appts. I wanted to leave and figured I would just let it go and if he asked me to call to set them up, I wouldn't do it. But he didn't want to leave until I set up the appts. This is where it all goes wrong. Once we had the appts scheduled it all became a blur to me even though I kept telling my husband I still didn't want them to do it. I was worried my little guy would be stressed. He never listened to me. Somehow I never called vet to cancel. I am so upset with myself. My husband wasn't going to cancel. He just kept saying they were going. The day before appt I chose my liitle one, the one full of fear. I didn't focus on canceling. I ask myself everyday why? I had every opportunity to cancel. I had bad feelings about the anesthesia and I just wasn't ready for them to have it. This where I went wrong. He took him early Xmas Eve. Was it because I was busy leading up to this day that I neglected to think of my dog and what was really right for him -- which was by not going. I never wanted any of them to have it. They had it done a few years before and there was something about this other vet and the staff that I didn't like. But what did I do? I let him go there! My husband took him. He never asked me at anytime if I still didn't want it. My little boy never came back alive. Healthy and only 6. I could have avoided this with one phone call!! I am living with this regret and painful guilt since it happened. I can't forgive myself or my husband. I have a strong feeling my dog died in fear and was petrified. I can't get those images out of my head. He would be here, but my husband was so pushy about it and maybe I didn't want to argue with him. Whatever reason there's no excuse. His life is gone because of a stupid decision and mistake. It's not forgivable. It was a license for this vet to basically euthanize my healthy young dog. Now I am having trouble sleeping, eating, everything has changed. My marriage is not the same. I am bitter. I wish so much I had done the right thing by canceling and wish I did that on the way home from the lab work visit. Then it would have been forgotten by me and I should have or would have told my husband to not bring it up again because they wouldn't be going. That didn't happen. I messed up. We both messed up. How dare he tell me 3 weeks after this tragedy that I should be over it! I'm not talking about a needed surgery that didn't work out. I'm taking about a voluntary dental cleaning that could have waited till after holidays and I would have returned to their first vet. I am beyond sad. Beyond guilt. I can't change anything now. I had so many chances to change it. Did I know this would happen? Not 100%. I will say at least 90% worried something bad may happen. Like I said, I didn't want the anesthesia, especially from them. They turned out to be liars, sneaks, and money hungry They broke several laws. A state complaint won't bring back my dog. It is something I wasn't looking forward to doing. This is so much our fault. It's drawn me away from my husband. Nothing is the same and it is not good.
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Magentacharliesmom

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Reply with quote  #41 
I would divorce him and don't feel guilty maybe your baby is working on the other to help you move into a better place I'm so sorry that sounds so horrible Dental prophy normal procedures and it sounds like your baby had a heart attack under anesthesia I understand how bad you feel and you have every right to be angry at the vet and your husband but maybe he was just trying to do the right thing and keep their teeth clean because Dental diseases a horrible thing to watch them die of I'm sorry but for him to say you need to get over it I would have walked out right then and there but that's just me I will not tolerate anybody in my life that doesn't know the love and bond that I have with my Charlie and I'm feeling guilty to like I should have got him an echocardiogram at some point maybe I gave them too many Sub-Q fluids after the emergency hospital all these things are running through my head I feel like there was something I could have done I don't know why I stayed at the gym as long as I did and came home and found him dead in my closet I understand your guilt and you're pain I feel the same way I wish I could reverse time
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Will_Never_Forgive_Myself

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Reply with quote  #42 
This is difficult for me. I miss my loving, happy, energetic dog playing in my house with his brothers. It's a shame to think he was here and then a few hours he was gone. I think about the what if's and I know that's hindsight. I am trying to move forward, but it's been hard. Really hard.  This unexpected passing was caused by a voluntary procedure in which there was no sense of urgency. This could have been postponed for months. I wish I could have some peace. All I think about is my little baby and whether he was in pain or in fear. I didn't want to make him feel lost. I miss everything about him. There's no sunlight without him. I've been grieving and it's not easy. It's painful. I don't know how my health is going to keep up. I know things can't be changed which is hard enough to accept, but I have not accepted this entirely. I'm pretty stuck. It's like one of those things you know for sure how it would have been, but you did something else and you actually changed the future. I did something that changed this for the worst. I was supposed to do something else and everything would be fine, but I botched this and it turned out bad. My days are quiet without my little guy. He followed me all over. He was very alert and knew everything that was going on. Nothing got past him. It's big loss for me. Still can't believe he's not here. 
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Will_Never_Forgive_Myself

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Reply with quote  #43 
Hi my little sweetie,

Your mom has not slept all night. She has been had trouble sleeping. I can't help but think of you and all that transpired. I always wanted you to be safe and well.  I am wishing you could return. I miss your little footsteps. I miss you waking me up in the morning while you tried to get untangled from the blanket. You were always the first up. Your energy never stopped. You were much too young to go. How could I lose you when you had endless energy. Never sick. Someone did something terrible. I wish you could tell me. I have to get to the bottom of this. It will never bring you back, but they need to be held responsible. Such a simple thing and they messed it up. Why my precious beautiful dog?  It was the worst call I have gotten in my life. It never made sense. It wasn't supposed to happen and my baby you weren't even supposed to be there that day. Somehow things got mixed up and now I cry and cry about that happening.

I miss you so much. I miss you wanting to play with all of us. You were always wanting to play. Never short of energy. A lovable, huggable, and playful beautiful boy. You should be here. This was all a complete error. Something that didn't mean to happen. I wish I could fix it. I want to see you sunbathing on the deck. You always loved that. I want to see you run around the yard without your leash and what a good little boy you were, you would never take off. You always stayed safe in the yard. The nice weather is coming. I miss walking you. This is so hard for me to be without you. I will miss you staring into the storm door just to see what was going on inside. You didn't realize the window was tinted and we could only see you from inside, but what a cute picture it made. You innocently looking thinking you may see something. 

So much of this is wrong. I can't believe sometimes this has happened. It is such a rare occurrence, that I had to pick a  bad vet who doesn't know what he 's doing. He wasn't your family vet. This was some king of quirk that you went there and only went  few times and look what happened. I'm sorry I didn't keep you going to Dr. Chris. He is so kind and so good with animals. He always made you feel calm as scared as you would be. He just has a way with animals. I'm so sorry my little boy. I want you back. I will take care of your brothers. They are back to seeing Dr. Chris. Never again will I go anywhere else.  

Remember I love you forever and ever and ever, till infinity.

I miss you always, everyday, every hour, every minute, every second.

Love,
Mom


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MiasMomma

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Reply with quote  #44 
My girl, you need to forgive yourself. YOU did nothing wrong. Nothing. You could not have predicted what was going to happen. We take our babies to vets when we need their assistance and we trust that they will care for our babies as we do. I know that doesn't make losing your sweet boy any easier, but you're being too hard on yourself. Would you have ever intentionally done anything to harm your boy? No. Would you have ever intentionally put him in a situation where you thought someone else would harm him? No. Intent means everything in this situation. You did nothing intentionally to hurt him, and he knows that. That's the wonderful thing about our pups, they don't blame or hold grudges. They live purely for the moment. All he knew of you was love.

I'm grieving for my girl as well. I relive every moment over and over and wonder if I made the right choice. It's so hard. Grief is brutal... and it makes you believe things that we KNOW rationally are simply not true. Grief isn't rational. It's a cold, unrelenting freight train.
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Magentacharliesmom

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Reply with quote  #45 
Wow that was so well said and yes we need to stop blaming ourselves we would have never chosen the path that happened 4 our my kids my kid my charlie i was angry today and realized its bcuz im so sad and dont want to be sad any more its that relentless train of grief angry sadness hopelessness and all of ot its been 5 weeks tmrw and it still hurts
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