Chiron Show full post »
Chiron
Beaglemomma, i just read your addition, yes that would be helpful as long as people are willing to make the extra effort...Thank you.

I might be using this forum as a grief diary, i hope you will allow me.

I already mentioned Titi was a very quiet, almost invisible dog. I live alone and spend my evenings in front of the computer. Titi would lie and sleep on the couch and her whole body posture would show shw feels really comfortable and calm. In winter she would glue herself to the heating competing with the cats about the warmest place.
I sit here now and suddenly realized that only her presence here, only seeing her there with this peaceful look and expression, gave me this 'home' feeling and also the feeling 'everything is alright'. So strange...

Now it seems so empty and ordinary. She was undemanding but obviously her influence was quietly soothing...

God, i hope one day i meet her again.
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Beaglemomma
Oh honey I am sure you will see your sweetie again.  I just MUST believe that or my own grief over Molly would be completely unbearable and it is hard enough now as it is.  The void left by these innocent little souls is just beyond understanding.

You are certainly as welcome to this site as any of us are.  You will be welcomed by all and free to express yourself in whatever way helps your grief.  I have watched that beautiful video over and over again today.  Thank you for sharing your baby with us all.  That smile is just so beautiful.
janice
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LUCYLULU
Oh Chiron:

What a beautiful & happy smile! Titi's love for you comes across in your video. You have these moments to remind yourself that you gave her a warm and loving home for the first time in her life. What an amazing gift you gave her! Yes the replay & self doubt hurt so much. We are grieving. I hope you have more days that remind you of the happy times & fewer days of the sad moments.

Titi was so lucky that you rescued her & showed her what love feels like :-)

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cakes488

Thank you for saving and rescuing that beautiful and adorable dog "Tiki"...that's what you did....Save her...period AMEN.

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lynnda
Hello,
Your Titi was so precious. Please be kind to yourself and know and remember all the good you did for her. I know she felt and still knows the love you had and will always have for her. I actually caused my dog's,  Baron, death by tossing him from the bed after repeated attempts to get him settled down. I rescued him  from the pound almost 2 years before. He was a precious senior ( probably 13-15 yo) miniature poodle  who was mostly deaf and blind. I hand feed him every day and we even took him on the plane with us this past summer since he was not in shape to be boarded. He had a grad mal seizure a few weeks before while walking him and would have trouble settling down sometimes, particularly at night. HIs final night I made multiple attempts to settle him and in a sleepy, frustrated (No excuse!) I tossed him from the bed. He the had another seizure then and soon took his last breath soon after the seizure stopped.
I don't have any special words to ease your pain, but what happened to Titi was truly an accident. Please forgive yourself and continue to honor him with the rescue work you do.  I killed my baby who I loved beyond anything and no amount of counseling has helped or will.  I am so sorry if this is depressive, but again, yours was truly an accident and unfortunately they are part of life.
I wish you much healing and peace.
 
lynnda
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fitchick1961
She was a beautiful little dog, why someone wouldn't want her, I don't know. How great of you to have taken her in. She looked as if she was very happy. I've had 3 dogs, none of them died naturally. My first Shepherds husky mix got hit by a car at 6yrs, the second one was a Shepherd-collie mix was 2, had epilepsy and had a massive seizure while I was at work and died before I could get home. Those were both rescues. My last just died on Dec 2, he was 11.5 yrs, and could have lived to 17. He was a chihuahua-papillion mix. I have to admit I loved all of them alot, but the last one Prince was my baby, he slept with me every night. He got lymphoma and it didn't respond to chemotherapy, he died 5min before I got home in my mom's arms. I was and still am devastated. I miss him so much. I wish I could just have a dog die naturally of old age. I'm sure titi loved you for taking her home.
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cakes488
Lynda you tell Chiron that it was an accident with Tiki and I'm telling you that it was an accident with Baron. 

You didn't kill him...those damn seizures did.  You need to stop thinking that you killed him. 

I know the frustration and sometimes futile attempts of trying to settle an old dog down at night...be kinder to yourself..it's not easy and we do the best we can. 
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lynnda
cakes488 wrote:
Lynda you tell Chiron that it was an accident with Tiki and I'm telling you that it was an accident with Baron. 

You didn't kill him...those damn seizures did.  You need to stop thinking that you killed him. 

I know the frustration and sometimes futile attempts of trying to settle an old dog down at night...be kinder to yourself..it's not easy and we do the best we can. 


Thank you, I will keep trying and your words help!!!

lynnda
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Chiron
Hello, Lynnd, Cake, Fitchick and Lucylulu,

Thank you for taking the time to write a few words! I find such a comfort in each post and read them in evening over and over...

As time passes by it actually becomes harder. I go to the places where she used to love walking and she is not there and is not the same even though my first dog is with me. There is this place where both just loved so much. It is filled with small mice and this other animal that lives underground /i do not know the word in english/ and they both loved to dig, they ran from one hole to the other, with such sparcles in their eyes. There were in something like a trance. Each time we went there, i had to literally drag them to the car. Other times i used to wait them for hours - they really enjoyed it.

Yesterday we went there with my dog and she did not enjoy it at all. I guess when they were together, it was so much more fun.

As i said - as time goes by, it becomes actually harder. I have never received a sign from her, nothing, no dreams, no smells, no visions, nothing. As if she is absolutely gone and she does not care. I guess i deserve that. But i long for some kind of a sign from her.

I have now the very odd feeling she never existed. As if she was never here. It is so confusing. I feel frustrated and doubtful. I keep thinking "is this life all about" - you live, you feel joy, then suffer, then die and that is all. Nothing more, nothing less". Is all that simple and empty?

I do not know...

Thank you, all for joining in my thread.
I use it like a share place, i have no one else to share those things.
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Beaglemomma
Oh honey please do not despair.  These "signs" that we are just choosing to believe in, may be nothing more than our grief seeing something and choosing to believe it is a "sign".  There is nothing to say your baby isn't ok and is waiting for you and  forgives you-------that they ALL forgive us because we ALL feel guilt in some way.  I understand how you feel, truly I do, because my Molly is gone from my life too and I only had her, no other animals to love and cuddle, so my arms ache for her.  Try to walk a different way maybe so those memories don't hit you so badly.  Please know that everyone here is holding you tightly in our thoughts and hoping that you--------that we ALL-----feel better soon.  Feel free to email or private message any one of us if you have more to say.  That is the beauty of this site, there is always someone here that understands how you feel.
chair.JPG 
janice
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lynnda
Oh my heart continues to ache for the pain I know you are living with. Janice always knows the right words of wisdom, so pay heed to what she said above. The question to ask is if you had to do it over again, in terms of rescuing your precious baby would you, knowing the pain you now have. I am sure the answer is YES! for both of you. She would have wanted and desperately needed the care and shelter you provided. Can you imagine her life if you had not taken her in? Although, her end of her life here is done, I can promise you she only sees the love and chance at a second life you gave her. Do not let her passing negate what good you did and I promise she knew it!!!! I have lost other dogs, who I dearly loved and know that they knew that. I never received any sign from them, nor was I looking for one. This does not mean that they did not love me or had bad feelings for me.  I am only seeking this from Baron, because of my need for his forgiveness. AS Janice said, I do not know if the signs people see are real or seeing something they desperately need to see.
Much love
Lynnda
lynnda
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Beaglemomma

WOW thank you Lynnda, but your words were MUCH better.  We left for a few days after Molly left us and went to Lake Tahoe at my daughter's time share and it was snowing and early one morning I was on the computer and happened to glance out the window to see a tri color beagle romping in the fresh snow off leash.  We both about jumped out the window and we CHOOSE to think it was Molly saying she was OK.  But that is just because we WANT to think that, not that we can PROVE she came back to assure us.  As humans we LONG for a sign that there is an afterlife that we can see if only we "try" hard enough.  I am not going to get into that here of course, but if there is nothing that you "see" or feel, that doesn't mean that it doesn't exist and that your baby is not fine and waiting for you.

The feeling that your loved one never existed is very common.  I think it comes from the fact that YOUR world stopped but everyone else just goes on like nothing ever happened.  We want to think the whole world mourns the one we loved and lost.  I felt that way when my Dad died.  The whole world stops and grieves when someone famous passes but for us "common people" we mourn alone.  Please don't think that in any way diminishes your loss.  YOUR world DID change, as it has for all of us, and here we understand because we feel the same way you do.

janice
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