I have been living, or rather existing, for over a month now since Polar passed. In that time I had been trying to focus and prepare for a career making/breaking exam. I cried a lot at night, and whenever I saw a goofy looking dog or a Dane with a Scooby-Doo face (or the Marmaduke movie trailers). Now since my exam is done, I feel like a prisoner to my sadness again like I never really grieved like I am now-it seems to take hold and grip my soul and I cry whenever and whereever.
Since my life is 'back to normal' and my career stress has gone down, I feel like I am re-grieving, and the process is starting all over again. I realize this is depression tossing me around like a rag doll, but I feel like everyone is sick of hearing me talk about him, how hard it is for me, blah blah blah-like a broken record, like they have lost their empathy with the passing days and my grief just snowballs.
I realize everyone is going through some form of grieving here, but has anyone had this problem like me? Fear to be alone with their thoughts without some kind of stress or mayhem to keep them occupied? I feel like I am living for ANY drama to keep my mind off him. Does anyone feel like grief repeats itself and gets worse? Though I did grieve for him at the time, now I feel like I was stupid to think that that was grieving-that this is grieving now that I have the energy to devote to it-weird, but I feel like someone upstairs is saying "You thought that was bad??? You didn't know grieving until now-wait for this!!!!"
I just miss my boy so much, his gentle soul and eager curiosity for life, and again I cry for him in this world that is a little grayer without him...and of course, the guilt rages on...