reovi
Hi everyone,

I have been living, or rather existing, for over a month now since Polar passed.  In that time I had been trying to focus and prepare for a career making/breaking exam.  I cried a lot at night, and whenever I saw a goofy looking dog or a Dane with a Scooby-Doo face (or the Marmaduke movie trailers).  Now since my exam is done, I feel like a prisoner to my sadness again like I never really grieved like I am now-it seems to take hold and grip my soul and I cry whenever and whereever.

Since my life is 'back to normal' and my career stress has gone down, I feel like I am re-grieving, and the process is starting all over again.  I realize this is depression tossing me around like a rag doll, but I feel like everyone is sick of hearing me talk about him, how hard it is for me, blah blah blah-like a broken record, like they have lost their empathy with the passing days and my grief just snowballs.

I realize everyone is going through some form of grieving here, but has anyone had this problem like me?  Fear to be alone with their thoughts without some kind of stress or mayhem to keep them occupied?  I feel like I am living for ANY drama to keep my mind off him.  Does anyone feel like grief repeats itself and gets worse?  Though I did grieve for him at the time, now I feel like I was stupid to think that that was grieving-that this is grieving now that I have the energy to devote to it-weird, but I feel like someone upstairs is saying "You thought that was bad??? You didn't know grieving until now-wait for this!!!!"

I just miss my boy so much, his gentle soul and eager curiosity for life, and again I cry for him in this world that is a little grayer without him...and of course, the guilt rages on...
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Susie_Squillions
Oh, these ups and downs can just take our breath away some days, I know.  You've hit one of those bumps in the road that throws us back a few steps.  It's normal, and it hurts so much.  It's especially hard when no one in our day-to-day lives seems to understand why the grief is taking hold all over again.  Remember that we're always here for each other.  There is no time limit on sorrow, and it can pop up at any time.

I've been having a really hard time lately with my adjustment to life after T.J.  It's good, and I love my kitties, but I miss Teege so much. Lately, I've been finding myself expecting him to be here are certain times.  I miss him bugging me each and every time I fixed something to eat.  I am vegan, but he always had to check out my food to see if I had anything of interest for him.

I came back tonight to try to get back in the swing of things.  The sense of loss has been so great that I just haven't been able to be here much at all.  I stop in to read a few posts, and then the sorrow overwhelms me, and I just don't have the strength to post.  That's not like me, and I want to get back to something closer to normal.

I'm sending you virtual hugs to help you through this difficult time.



My heart is battered and bruised, but I will not let it break. It holds such precious cargo, I must protect it now. (Susie Squillions)

"Memories of loved ones are like songs in our soul." Margaret Wakeley

T.J.'S RESIDENCY:
http://RainbowsBridge.com/residents/TJ006/Resident.htm

BUDDY GUY AYRES~LYNCH'S RESIDENCY:
http://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/Buddy128/resident.HTM

KING BING THE GOD CAT'S RESIDENCY:
http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/BINGO009/Resident.htm

In one of the stars, I shall be living.
In one of them, I shall be laughing.
And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night.
~ The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery
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shmoobear
Reovi, I'm so sorry you are experiencing such a hard time. But I think what you are going through is all part of the grieving. Today is 9 weeks for me losing Dakota. Last month, I thought I was doing a tiny bit better. I don't even like to use the word "better"....but I think I was coping. Then out of nowhere, the last two weeks have been horrible. I've been crying again at the drop of a hat, and alternating between being depressed about everything, and having that shocked feeling of "did this really happen?" hit me. I told someone recently it was almost like I've been in a trance since it happened, just woke up, and am back to Square 1.

I've never had to grieve for someone like this before, I guess I've been lucky up until now. What I'm learning is that grief is absolutely not a straight line. We will keep going back and forth, jumping around between stages. I don't think there really is a finish line either. There will probably come a day when the jumping around will stop, but I'm doubting I'll ever feel fully at peace about everything. I just miss my friend so much.

Know that you are not alone in feeling like this. I haven't been on here for a while for various reasons, but today I feel the pull to come back and be surrounded by people who really get it. And I'm so thankful that you are all here!

Much Peace
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reovi
Thank you Shmoo and Susie, for your input and experience.  I guess I should have expected that getting through this would not be so easy, considering how much I loved my boy.
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EllasFriend
Reovi,

You are not alone.  I've been going through being distracted and facing reality a lot in the last few weeks.  Work has been crazy busy, but when I get home I'm a mess.  I used to completely de-stress at home, but now I feel like being there makes things worse.  I'm trying to look at the memories of my beloved Ella as visits from her spirit.  As happy things and I should be grateful she's visiting me, but it doesn't always work.

For what it's worth, I wish you comfort, and to know that you're not alone.
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JoeysMom
It's good to see some familiar faces, like shmoo, Susie and reovi, since we started this terrible journey of grief around the same time. Before I would cry at specific things, like washing his blanket or finding a wayward chewie. Now, altho less frequently, I'll get hit by a lightening bolt of pain from out of nowhere. I'm trying to categorize it along with other rites of life passing, like hot flashes or creaky knees--- don't like it but there's nothing to do about it but accept it as more aches and pains to add to the list. Does that make any sense?
I put a down payment on a two-day old baby girl pug last week, so anticipating her coming home has helped. I couldn't get another boy. Her name is Pansy, because pugs faces look like little pansies. Joey is probably rolling his eyes-- his least favorite day of the year is when I dragged him to the pug party in Chicago. A thousand pugs would attend but he felt above them all.
Have a safe holiday weekend, everyone.
May you take comfort in the memories of your beloved babies.
Cath
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damselfly1213
Reovi - first off, congrats on passing your exam and good luck with your future career - it must be a huge relief to have that out of the way. As for those ups and downs in grief - that really sounds par for the course to me, especially if you were temporarily distracted. Like you, I have times I think I'm coping well, only to have my grief return full force for a couple of days. Sometimes, I feel such longing to have my dog back again, I just feel angry...but I don't know at what or whom. Does that make any sense?


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espresso
The grief sneaks up on you. It's been over three weeks since Espresso died, and while I was a complete mess the first week, the last two weeks I thought I'd made substantial progress in coming to terms with everything. But today, out of nowhere, I got knocked down with a tidal wave of guilt and sadness that has left me sick to my stomach. I had stopped obsessing about her final moments in the last two weeks, but today found myself thinking of them again and getting very upset. I feel like I just took two steps back in the whole grieving process.
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bigheartwigglebutt
"There is no time limit on sorrow, and it can pop up at any time."
 
I completely agree with the above statement.  My grief renews every time someone close to me loses their furbaby.  My friend's 14 year old furbaby passed yesterday.  As soon as I heard the news, I had flashbacks to the last expression on my Pepper's face three years ago.  She realized what we were doing...
 
And, then reality checks on the 17 year old cat (Kelly) and 14 year old dog (Shelby).
 
The only good things that came out of the loss of my Pepper, were the adoption of EmmaLee, Tater and Abbey.
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donnalee
Hi Reovi,
You ask if anyone has had this problem you have. The answer is YES! We are all trying to cope in our own ways but I think all of us are dealing with sadness that keeps popping up seemingly out of the blue. Like you, I was very busy the past few weeks and it seemed to push it out of my mind at least during the work day. Now, school is out and I have more time and I'm dealing with it again. But, each week, I  cry a little less.  I push myself to think of the happy times and I also think ahead to the future time I'll see him again.   They brought so much joy and laughter into our lives & there is an emptiness without them that we must deal with. Yes, the Marmaduke trailers are getting to me too!  That dog in the middle of the billboard advertisements looks just like my Scottie although I think the one in the movie is a girl.  When we went on walks, someone would always say "What a pretty girl!" and I'd have to say thanks but he is a boy!   Also, those goofy moments you talk about, we all experience those as well.  The pain and sadness I felt the other day as I happened to walk by the dog treat aisle in Walmart caught me by surprise.  I felt this crazy urge to walk down the aisle and buy something!  I had this huge lump in my throat just knowing that I didn't have anyone to buy chicken jerkies for anymore!  Here on this website & these forums---People really do understand.  It has been a Godsend for me.   I know family, friends, & co-workers were very understanding of my deep sadness when I initially lost him.  Actually, co-workers who have dogs were VERY understanding but I can't continue to pull everyone into my sadness at work.  Family-- I realize they are not comfortable with me showing signs of unhappiness so I don't show my grief to them.  It's not that we want to stay stuck in our grief but we want to move through the natural stages and everyone has their own pace.  Personally, I think it really takes some time (a month is not enough) and what you are experiencing is probably normal.  Your Polar was a very important part of your life & was a very close friend.   Shaking the sadness is very hard although I truly think it gets a tiny bit better each day. I know I have pushed myself to keep focusing on all that I have to be thankful for and how grateful I am I had him in my life even for just those 5 years.....how enriched my life was because of him.  Bottom line is that we just simply miss them so much!  Since books have helped me in the past to deal with problems, I went on to amazon.com and ordered 5 books all dealing with pet loss and dealing with the grief.  The one book that is helping me is 'Cold Noses at the Pearly Gates'.  I'm reluctant to recommend a book here because I realize we all have different backgrounds and beliefs and I don't want to offend anyone.   However, since it is helping me, I thought I'd mention it just in case. It doesn't take away the sadness but it gives me some answers I need to be able to continue coping and move on with my life.  It gives me a lot of hope.  That doesn't mean we forget.  I think we will continue to carry that love in our heart.   I apologize for being so long-winded but to answer your question, YES, we do know how you feel and we are all right here with you & for you.  I know the support and comfort I have received from others on this website by knowing I'm not alone has helped me so much.  I hope it does the same for you. It's going to take time for us to get through this, but we will make it!   
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niki
hey i understamd how you feel, yes
i am still suffering from painful grief after losing my baby, a little black girl cat called MINT on feb 14th,
it goes up and down, i need things to distract me, it doest work though
take care ok
Niki
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