I am sitting here now with tears flowing down my face. It has been 16 months since my precious Matski went to the Rainbow Bridge and I am so lonesome.

In that time I have had four different kittens and not kept them, one I gave to a friend three days before I had had her a year then a week later I got another one. Have only had her four days and already wondering if it will work and I will keep her. I feel bad for not keeping them and I take very good care of the while I have them but it gets to the point where I just can't take it anymore and have to rehome them.

Talked to a friend last week and told her about rehoming the one I had had for almost a year. She said "There will never be another Matski". Guess that is what my problem is. I say I am not trying to replace Matski but I am looking for what I had with her in these other cats. None of the ones I have gotten have like to be held. That is what I miss the most about Matski.

I do not have children and Matski was my baby. She was the most perfect baby in the whole universe. My life is not the same without her I feel like I have lost my rock because she was always there for me. Mostly I miss holding her and cuddling her. I would sit in my recliner and rock her as long as she wanted to be rocked sometimes for an hour or more. Or we would snuggle together and take a nap always with her curled up next to my chest. I miss hearing her purr or the cute noises she would make.

Why did she have to go to the Rainbow Bridge and why can't I be with her?

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I know exactly what your going through. When I lost my Peaches this past January my life stopped. She was the love of my life. She had been battling congested heart disease for almost a year when she passed away in my arms. It had just started to snow here in Alabama. It's kind of ironic because I have a picture of her sitting on the back of the sofa looking out the window at it snowing years ago. I had it enlarged and placed it on the wall to look at everyday.

A few months after she passed I got a call from the lady who used to do her nails. She knew a couple who were going to give up their 2 year old chihuahua because they had 2 other dogs and were moving. If no one took her she was going to the dog shelter. Without hesitation I took her into my home. I don't think she was abused but was neglected. I had a lot of second thoughts and guilt for a while. Nothing could ever replace Peaches. I have her ashes and talk to her everyday.

Then one day I noticed a single white hair on Clarabella's back. Peaches had the exact same single white hair. I looked at the forehead and she had a single white hair there too, just like Peaches. I have to believe Peaches is sending me a sign that it's ok to love again. Clarabelle is also picking up some of Peaches habits like me having to hand feed her and the way she sits on my lap when we're outside. These just started in the last few weeks. I tell her that her big sister is watching over her.

I miss my baby. She was so much a part of my life but as I watch Clarabelle sleeping, her breathing so slow and normal, and thinking back when I would watch Peaches struggle to breath near the end, I know she's not suffering now and WILL be waiting for me someday. 

No, there will never be another Matski but there will be another chapter in your life. She will forever hold the biggest part of your heart just like Peaches has for me. But I believe they  would want us to give our unconditional love again. That's my belief, my faith. Love again, it's ok.

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When we lose a beloved pet, our grief begins and this grief does not have a "time limit".  With time the pain will be less sharp, but we will still cry, when remembering our fur baby.  I believe that, we are not replacing a beloved pet with another, because each pet is unique.  When you are ready, and if you still want to adopt another pet, perhaps, you could go to an Animal Shelter, Pet Store, any place where pets are up for adoption - and, starting petting, holding one.  Maybe, you will be able to find a kitty cat that likes to be held and cuddled.  Remember, some pets like to be held and cuddled more than others - this is one of the traits we humans, share with our pets.  Hugs.  
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Chenillecat, I am so profoundly sorry for what you have been through. I also believe that it took so much courage and strength to be able to get these things off of your chest because it takes a lot of courage to be able to acknowledge what you believe to be a problem (that you are taking kittens in and having to give them away because of grief, the inability to properly bond with them, the lack of strength/wherewithal to care for them, maybe none or maybe a combo of everything). I guess it doesn't matter but it may help you to know that you're not alone. Grief takes such a grip on us that we lose interest for other things in life. Sheesh. I'm a single mom and can't even find the energy to prepare meals for my kids or go into work today. I lost my best friend last night so know it will take a long time to feel a little better. 

Peachesdad's comment brought tears to my eyes and was so beautiful. No matter how many times I've tried to vacuum up my Sammy's hairs from the carpet, they're everywhere. I stopped trying because I think he wants part of himself -- the parts that will never get old or sick -- to remain here. I hope you find the strength and peace to maybe try and remember that one thing our animals teach us is to avoid judging too early. I really believed my dog was mentally and cognitively impaired when I first adopted him because it had taken longer to potty train him than any other dog that I've owned. Now, I know he was one of the smartest dogs I've ever adopted. He learned tricks within minutes. He knew routines. He learned to discern the slight differences in the tones of our voices (admonishment, praise, questions). I would have never guessed that. But it's hard to remember those things when comparing. Just know you are completely amongst other animal lovers here who will not judge. 

“Until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawakened.” – Anatole France

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