JoeRJGR

Looking out the back door and thinking  I see her?
Looking over in the corner and thinking she's lying on her bed?
Thinking I hear the tap, tap, tap of her little nails on the hard wood floor?
Missing the sound of her "puppy dreams"
Missing that sweet little face?
Feeling all alone even when I'm with my wife and son?
Not wanting to do anything but be by myself?
Blaming myself for not getting her to the emergency room the second she stared throwing up blood on her last night with me?

 

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SicilysMom
I'm so sorry for your pain of losing Casey.  I just lost my sweet 8 year old Pug Sicily to bladder cancer as well 7 weeks ago and I'm still a grief stricken mess.  What you said about the tap tap tap of their little nails on the hardwood floor has caused the tears to flow again.  I miss that so much.  I watched a video of her just last night running through the house just so I could hear her nails again.  Crazy the things we miss. 

I pray peace for you as only God can give as He is the only thing getting me through this right now.  I also struggle with so much guilt.  I wish I had done more and replay the week she got sick over and over like a record in my head.  If I could just do one more test to be sure, or just try one more thing and maybe she would have gotten better, of if I had taken her to ER instead of her regular vet, or if I could only just hold her and kiss her again to tell her how much I love her.  Just on and on and on.  It's crushing.

But, again, I KNOW I will see her again someday and I believe God when he tells me this as it is "impossible for God to lie." And I trust Him with everything and especially with taking care of my baby until I get there. 

Please know that Casey is there too and she is safe, warm and happy. 

Stephanie (Sissy's Mom)
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JoeRJGR
Thank You Stephanie,

These little animals mean so much to us all.  I know you and I will both heal and look back upon all the good things our babies gave us and how lucky we were to have that time with them, but for right now its just crushing.  They are truly babies.  They need you to do everything for them and you never treat them any differently from the moment you adopt them until the last day they leave you.  I will say a prayer for you're little girl Sissy...and for you.  Pugs are sweet gentle souls, I had one before Casey...Casey was (so hard to use that term) actually a pug/rat terrier mix......

TCC or bladder cancer is a horrible cancer for these poor animals to get.  The initial signs mimic a UTI so closely that often times many weeks go by without a diagnosis.  That is what happened to my Casey, after 2 months of trying various antibiotics and having good blood work and a clean x-ray, it was discovered by ultrasound.  Had she been diagnosed earlier she may have had a much better outcome. 

Since she was diagnosed I have been telling everyone I know who has a dog that if they show signs of a UTI and it does not clear up after 1 round of antibiotics INSIST on an ultrasound.  If I can help one dog get diagnosed earlier it will be worth it.

God Bless you and your sweet little girl

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SicilysMom
Joe...

Yes, this cancer is horrible and snuck up on me and that's where I have a lot of guilt.  She was diagnosed about 6 months ago because she was peeing blood and the antibiotics weren't clearing it up and she had the beginning of cancer cells in her urine.  But, I never did do an ultrasound because I honestly just kept telling myself she really didn't have it because other than the blood, she really didn't seem that sick.  I just kick myself every day for not treating it earlier.

Then around the end of July she started losing weight and not eating real well (but she was always picky so didn't think too much of it) and then started standing super funny.  Almost like her back was hurting.  It was dipped in the middle with her bum in the air like a sway back.  It was so weird.  But, she still seemed generally ok.

Then it all changed on August 20th.  I will never forget it.  She started having labored and shallow and super fast breathing and her heart was going a million miles a minute. She stopped eating and would only drink if I brought her water.   And for 4 straight days we tried everything to figure out why.  I had NO idea it was her bladder as she wasn't having symptoms like that.  But on the last day we took an xray of her stomach and bladder and it was 4 times the size it should be and her urine now showed thousands and thousands of cancer cells multiplying like crazy and he saw what he thought may be spots on her lungs as well. 

And here is my next guilt.  He said I could get an ultrasound at this point but by the xray and the cancer cells he could tell she had a tumor in there (in the wall of the bladder) and that she wouldn't make it maybe but another week and she was suffering.  I just could not stand to put her through one more test for no reason and could not stand to see her struggling one more minute.  But, now?  Not knowing the actual NAME of her cancer?  It eats a hole in my stomach every second.  My brain sometimes tries to convince myself that she didn't even have cancer and I killed her for nothing.  It's awful.

I just wish so so much that I had done that one last test.  Just did the ultrasound to make triple sure.  But, I just try to pray and have God remind me of how sick she was and something was ravaging her little body and she was going downhill fast.  But, somedays I just miss her so bad and want her back so bad.  I just want to redo the entire week so I can do it differently.  Why didn't I do that test? 

My vet who I trust very much, has reassured me over and over that he was confident in the diagnosis and would never have told me to let her go if he thought there was more we could do. But, just reading your story has kind of reminded me of the importance of getting all of the information.  I just pray that he was right. 

Thank you again for your prayers.  Sounds like we both need them!  :)
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JoeRJGR
Stephanie,

Thousands and thousands of cancer cells, spots on her lungs, and not eating...I too believe you did the right thing.  In Casey's case, they never did a biopsy so actually they never really knew 100% that it was cancer.  However it was located in her urethra and there was no way to operate, so they didn't feel it mattered.  I believe that the issue many of us face, and the knacking questions we have revolve around the fact that these sweet girls were our babies and we had to make all the decisions for them.  As my vet said, if Casey were a human they would have hooked her up to an IV, and gave her a blood transfusion...and if that could have re-hydrated her, which they felt was doubtful because she could not pass urine properly, she still would have an inoperable tumor which made urinating painful and which they felt would take her soon....as she was 16 years old they just felt it was too much for her and this was the "humane" thing to do.  

The interesting thing is, if she were a human, she wouldn't have the option of being treated "humanely".  She would have suffered and suffered until the cancer took her last breath.  My father died of a brain tumor and laid in pain for several years while it destroyed his mind, then motor skills until eventually he passed away.  I think if he had been given an option at some point to pass away quietly in peace and not have to endure any of the pain that lie ahead of him, he would have.....

My mother and father loved Casey and she never forgot a name.  One of the last things I said to her as they were getting ready to administer the drug, was, now go and see grand mom and grand pop....she tilted her little head, I told her I loved her, I held her close and she went to be with them....

Your little girl is in heaven now and she is at peace.  No more pain, no more suffering.
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Mistysmama
Dear Joe,
Casey is safe and healed of her sickness now. She still does live, and she still does love you. May your heart be comforted through the pain of your grief. Hold on to the love. One day we are re-united with our dear ones.

Thank you for posting that information about UTI's and bladder cancer. If it helps to save some dogs, it is a great thing.

Before my last girl, Misty (who passed 2012) I had another dog, a male Jack Russell, years ago. I noticed he peed a little blood one day. I took him to the vet and the vet gave him antibiotics, and the blood went away. Then, months later, he started peeing on the carpet! (He NEVER did things like that.) I thought it was stress, as my husband was dying of prostate cancer at the time, and I knew he could sense tension in the home. Anyway, otherwise he seemed well. I took him to the vet, and he got antibiotics again for a UTI....after that I didn't notice anything much untoward.
But only 9 months after my husband passed away, he got very sick suddenly, and the diagnosis was inoperable prostate cancer, with a HUGE tumour which had spread to his bladder. I had to have him PTS.
Then, with hindsight I realized that the bleeding -one whole year before! -was an early sign. If I had been aware, then, I could have got him an ultrasound, but didn't know.
I wished I had been more aware. Apart from the cancer he was a fit, active dog, young for his years.
Hold the love like a little light. It is all you have, or will ever have, to find your way home.

Misty's Blog..a Dogfight with Cancer http://www.mistysblog69.blogspot.co.uk

Misty's life after death: http://www.dog2spirit.com
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SicilysMom
Thank you so much for taking the time to post again.  It means a lot to have a safe place where I feel accepted to share my pain and talk about my girl.  A lot of people do not relate to this kind of loss and after 7 weeks, expect me to be "over it" since she was "just a dog."  I do a lot of my crying and grieving alone for this reason and am very grateful to be able to have this outlet and people that care.

I went to the cancer forum after posting my last comment to you and noticed that I'm not alone in how I'm feeling, and that LOTS of the fur babies on that board had similar symptoms and went downhill very quickly as these poor little sick ones try so hard to not show us pain until they just can't handle it any longer.  It also shows me we all have unanswered questions and just do the best we can with the information we are given from the professionals and the signs our babies give us at the end.  I KNOW it was cancer and according to my vet, also inoperable but I just miss her so much, so I second guess everything. 

I'm sorry to take up your entire post of missing Casey and make it into my guilt and sorrow over my Sis.  I hope you are feeling a little bit better today.  I too remember that last moment of holding her and telling her I loved her and it was ok to go.  It was so peaceful and finally she wasn't struggling to breathe. 

Like I said before...I KNOW just as you do, that they are both in Heaven right now and were the minute of their last breath.  "Absent from the body, present with the Lord."  They are out of pain, running like the wind and having a ball. 

Thanks again for conversing with me about this!  I will continue to pray for peace for you.
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JoeRJGR
Stephanie and Misty's Mom,

TCC disprotionally affects Scotties and Terriers, so your lttle boy (as was Casey) was in a high risk population.  In fact Casey actually had a UTI almost one year ago as well and in ythe last year she had gotten much thinner...again I figured she was 16 and just getting older. On the third round of antibiotics went with the same one that "cured" her the following year. What many people have said on the TCC message boards is that an intial round of antibiotics seems to solve the issue, but it just reoccurs. Im wondering what a good way to get this message out would be....I know I was lucky to have her for 16 years.  This disease often strikes much younger dogs.

God bless you both....
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jif
Thank-you so much for sharing this invaluable info, I have three dogs myself and I would never connect the dots if they peed blood.  I know now to act fast and not "wait it out."
Joe and Stephanie I'm so sorry for your losses. I think we can do the blame game all day long no matter what the circumstances were surrounding their death, and it's only because we had an infinite love for them.  
My cat passed away in the last few days (we are not sure when because a dog got her), but yesterday I was more numb with less crying.  This morning I was hoping for a break in the pain, but the moment I woke up my eyes welled with tears, because I was mad for ever letting her venture outside.  Momentarily, I felt like this could have been all avoided if I had just made her an indoor only cat, and she would be laying in bed next to me.  13 years of her life and this had to happen.  I felt like I let her down, because I couldn't find her in time.  
Even though I've been told, that it was not my fault, and simply her time to be with God.  I still feel like beating myself up with the cruel thoughts, and I know better! It's hard to avoid the guilt when you are hurting.
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JoeRJGR
Jif,

If she was an "outdoor cat" then I wouldnt think would have enjoyed being an "indoor" cat.  So she had 13 great years, which I bet she wouldnt have traded for anything.  Saying prayers for you and you're little girl. 
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Lety
Stephanie, Thank you for the kind words not just for Joe but for all the ones in pain, Trusting GOD is the best thing we can do, and like you said God does not lie, we will see our Babies again one day, that is God's promise! I have lots of comfort now, I am no longer the mess I was three weeks ago, God has slowly but surely heal every pain in my heart and body, and gave me the assurance I needed to now more than ever put my trust in him.

All the Glory to our Lord Jesus.

Baby Mommy misses you lots, but I know you are in a better place, nothing like the warmth of our Lord's arms. we will see each other one day and this time it will be for eternity.
Lety
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