On April 16th I said goodbye to my beautiful best friend of 18.5 years. Patches was my everything. I got her as a tiny kitten when I was just a child myself. We grew up together, supported one another, and were each other's favorite face to see everyday. She was my shadow in every major event in my life. In 2016, after university, I moved us into a small one bedroom apartment where we would spend the next two years. She supported me in the day to day stresses of starting a career and of starting a relationship with my now fiance. She was the best friend anyone could ask for. In September of 2016 Patches was diagnosed with diabetes, I started her on insulin and changed her diet. She thrived with these changes, gaining weight and energy. As time went on we had a few bumps in the road where I thought I was going to lose her. She was diagnosed with kidney disease and pancreatitis during these episodes. As before, I adjusted her food and our day to day schedule and she thrived. In December 2018, we moved once again into a home my fiance and I had bought. For a few months she thrived. Had fun exploring and making the house her new home... One morning she even jumped into the new bed my fiance and I shared... Which was a feat as it was 4 ft off the ground... She hadn't jumped that high in a long time. She was feeling great. Then came February 2019, Patches got very sick once again and I thought I was going to lose her. She was taken to the vet and it was determined that it was a pancreatitis flare up. I treated her for 2 weeks before she started to get back to her old self. It was at this time that I promised myself and her that the next time she got sick I would let her go as I didn't want her to suffer like she just had again. Months passed and she continued to enjoy life. In September 2019, I started to notice that her fur was matting... She was no longer taking care of it the way she normally did and she was losing weight. I took her to the vet where we did bloodwork, urine, and stool samples. It indicated that nothing was wrong and it was determined that she might have cancer. I decided at this time not to investigate further as I had decided that we wouldn't be treating it. I did not want her to suffer. I would rather enrich the time we had left. Over the next few months her weight ranged between 7-8lbs. She was more tired during these months but still active and her appetite was holding steady. In February 2020 my fiance and I went on a trip. Coming back, I noticed Patches had a drop in her appetite. She would still eat but not with the gusto she previously showed. I switched up her food and fed her more often which seemed to help. At her monthly check ups it was noted that she was losing weight even though she was eating better. In March her weight had dropped to 6.1lbs and as of the beginning of April had dropped further down to 5 lbs and 10onces. On April 14th she barely ate, and on April 15th she refused to eat at all. Her urine was increasing concentrated and minimal. That night we slept together, I barely slept, worrying that she was going to pass away. I pet her and told her how great a friend she had been to me all these years. I asked her if she was ready to go, hoping for an answer. Of course I didn't get one. I spent the whole night snuggling with her and telling her how much she meant to me. The next morning she had still not eaten anything or drank and had not produced urine. I called my vet and made the appointment for 2 pm to take her in one last time. She cuddled and purred with me that morning and I was able to get her to eat a few bites of food and a couple licks of water mixed with some milk (the only way I could get her to drink). Right before we were about to leave she became more energetic and ate some food on her own.. these actions devastated me. Was I making the right decision? Should I give her another day? Could I live with myself if I stole time from her? The car ride she was her normal self, Wanting to look out the window and wanting to ride on the driver's lap. When we got to the vet she was scared. This crushed my, I tried to cuddle her and tell her it was okay but she kept trying to leave as she hated being at the vets. As I was filling the paperwork out, the vet gave her a sedative which made her nauseous. I wish he had waited to give it to her as I wanted to hold her for the process. But I couldnt ask, I was in shock. I placed her on the softest blanket I own and told her I loved her and would miss her and thanked her for so many years. The vet finished the IV catheter and asked if I wanted to give her propofol to let her sleep before the final drug. I said yes. I did not want my baby girl feeling any discomfort or fear. After the last two injections she was gone. I sat there petting her and kissing her sweet soft head, not being able to cope with the idea of leaving her there and never seeing her again. It's been 6 days, I cry several times a day. I feel so guilty for not holding her at the end, I wish I had had the courage to ask to hold her. But I was in shock and didn't know if I was allowed to. Because of this shock, I can't even remember if I was petting her the whole time either, the memories are blurred and hazy. This fear that I wasn't, tears me apart. I want to ask my fiance if I was but I don't want him to know how much I am still hurting and replaying the events in my head. I also feel guilty because I feel like I stole time from her. I keep thinking that I should have given her one more day, one more day of snuggles and love or tried to treat her. I worry that it was something new that I missed that could have been easily treated. The more  I google her symptoms the more I worry it was something i could have treated easily. What if it was a mouth ulcer? She had been licking her lips, and it would account for her not eating. Should I have investigated further? She was so energetic at the end. Did I end her life unnecessarily? Why didn't I investigate. I also feel guilty about taking her to the vet to do it. I thought of doing a home visit vet but I didn't think they would come to the home because of the COVID situation. Her fear at the end kills me. I feel guilty about her last day20200217_204127.jpg  on this Earth. I wish I could go back and do it differently. I miss her so much, everyday without her kills me. Whenever I hear a sound in the house I wonder if it's her and I yearn for me to turn the corner and it be her. I'm not sure how to get over this and I feel so lost. I have so much guilt and regret.