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Kyle

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Reply with quote  #1 
We had to send our best friend in the world to the rainbow bridge on January 10th. He was 8 and a half and fought off lymphoma for as long as any dog ever could. He never showed any pain or weakness. Even in his last minutes while the vet was on his way to our house, my brother walked in to see him and he tried jumping up to greet him and wagged his tail. Twilight ended up having a bowel obstruction from the lymphoma. It killed me because I wanted so bad to go get him a burger or pizza or ice cream but he couldn't eat anything because he just threw it up and lost interest in food. He loved food so much and I couldn't even give him a "last day" where we took him for everything he wanted. I'm so sorry Twilight. We knew he had lymphoma but it still felt so sudden. Sunday we went for a walk, strong as ever. Played tug o war. Monday he became obstructed and it became emergent. I always looked forward to growing older with him and seeing him turn gray and we never got to. I'm thankful for all of our camping trips, movie nights, walks, and every minute I ever had with him. I know this is really long and I'm really just rambling but I've never felt so crushed in my life and I've never done anything like this before. I come from a family of men that don't show emotion and I've always been able to keep together. Until now. I'm a complete wreck and I feel bad because I want to be strong for my wife and I feel so weak. I read a book called Going Home: Making Peace When Pets Die by Jon Katz yesterday and he also had trouble with his grief because he didn't want to show it, and he mentioned that he came and posted in forums like this, so I thought maybe I'd try it. I love you so much Twilight, and I think about you and miss you every day. Our house is empty without you. I hope you can rest your chin on me again someday.
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Kyle

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Reply with quote  #2 
I love you Twi

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Avabear

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Reply with quote  #3 
Kyle, everyone here understands, the lost of a pet is for us every bit like the death of a child, how can you be strong about that, how can you not feel overwhelming pain??? Twighlight was a beautiful boy and it's clear you loved him deeply and you have every right to feel sad and to grieve and cry, you can't love that deeply and not feel that pain. We're all on this journey together here, this forum has helped me so much, it's full of people who understand far more than the people in the 'real' world who are like 'it's just a dog get over it' we know it's just not that simple.
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Avabears mummy

'It came to me that every time I lose a dog they take a piece of my heart with them, and every new dog who comes into my life gifts me with a piece of their heart. If I live long enough all the components of my heart will be dog, and I will become as generous and loving as they are.' Anon

 

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PeppermintPatty

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Reply with quote  #4 
Hi Kyle,

I will reiterate everything Avabear had to say. The loss of a fur baby is a loss like no other. Your reality has changed and the unconditional love you received from Twilight creates a void that is hard to come to terms with. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You will probably wonder how you are capable of crying so many tears. Just let them flow and know that Twi had a good life with you. A piece of your soul has gone missing so it’s completely understandable that you are feeling so much grief.

I wish you peace during this mourning process. I am so sorry for your loss.
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1967Pinecone

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Reply with quote  #5 
He's beautiful. I love the photo of him sitting in the sunbeam. I am so sorry. But you gave him a gift by letting him go.

It's OK to be a wreck. As Avabear said, this IS like losing a child. And they are with us through thick and thin, unlike many "friends." I find that it comes in waves. Sometimes I'm OK, other times I'm hiding in the bathroom at work pretending to have the flu. I wake up thinking about it, which is the worst. Coming out of a dream and thinking everything is rosy, then reality hits like a ton of bricks.  

One of my favorite pet loss quotes is from John Galsworthy. "Not the least hard thing to bear when they go from us, these quiet friends, is that they carry away with them so many years of our own lives." 

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"Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow" and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater." But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed." Khalil Gibran
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ForMitookie_03

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Reply with quote  #6 
Hi Kyle,  Twilight was quite a handsome boy and it's understandable why it hurts so much to have to say good-bye.  I am on this forum looking for comfort as well.  Something to help me get through these awful days.  My whole world changed and seems to have become dark and clouded with pain.  I miss my kitty so much.  He loved me unconditionally for 15 years.  Through the good and the bad.  And in the end, I couldn't save him.  I blame myself for not seeking out a second opinion, or pushing my vet to do something sooner.  He suffered from hyperthyroidism and had his first gland removed in March of 2016.  He seemed to be doing well but then suffered unrelenting diarrhea.  The vet tried everything and finally told me they should take the other thyroid gland. That was on a Thursday, and by Saturday he was gone.  I told the vet he was going to need something for vomiting because he got so sick the last time.  They gave me nothing and I had to drive back on Friday to get something for him.  Then took him Saturday for fluids because he was so dehydrated.  I told the vet something wasn't right and he was acting different and twitching.  I was told he would be fine.  A few hours later he suffered a seizure or stroke of some sort and never recovered.  He couldn't see and was disoriented at the emergency pet hospital so I made the decision to put him down.  I'm suffering every day, going over and over in my mind what I could have and should have done differently.  I'm angry and I'm broken.  I just want a small bit of peace.  I'm managing day to day because I have to (work, etc.), but I want so badly to see and hold him again.  I have lost pets to illness and old age before, but this is different.  This kitty was different; he was like a soul mate if that makes any sense. 

You did the right thing for your baby, and you gave him a beautiful life.  Don't ever feel ashamed to express the pain you feel.  It is far unhealthier to pretend not to feel, just for everyone else's benefit.  I wish you peace comfort during the healing process.  You are not alone. 

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Marina ~ Mitookie's Mom
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Kyle

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Reply with quote  #7 
Thank you for the kind words everyone. It really does mean a lot. Honestly it makes me happy just knowing how much you all loved your companions. You see so much bad in the world and animal abuse and you just wish there were people out there who loved them as much as you do and you all here definitely do. And I agree that it does seem to come in waves. I had a couple of days that I felt "ok", and then all of the sudden nope. I was at a family ski trip this weekend and honestly it kind of sucked not having a place I could just go be alone with my grief and my thoughts. Then I had a dream with Twi in it that felt so real, and waking up brought me back to horrible reality.
ForMitookie, it sounds like you really had a special bond. Cherish your journey together, and know you did the right thing. I have had a difficult time not focusing on the very last day with Twi, but I think its important to remember the journey you had with your kitty, and not to hang on that last day. I believe your kitty is still by your side, and always will be.
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Kyle

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Reply with quote  #8 
This probably sounds weird but I am graduating with my doctorate for family practitioner in a couple of months, and Twilight was such a big part of my journey, I'm so sad he isn't going to finish it with me. He helped me get through my program and I wanted to celebrate with him. My sister in law bought us a small dog pin with angel wings when he passed a couple of weeks ago, and I'm going to have it pinned on me in his honor at my pinning ceremony. Thank you for getting me through school Twi!
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RileysMom

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Reply with quote  #9 
Hi Kyle,

I’m glad you found the forum and hope that it’s helping in some way. I know what it’s like feeling like you can’t express your grief because of how other people view it. In my worst moments, I come on here. It’s been helpful to read other people’s experiences and to express my own. I agree with you that it’s heartwarming to see how many love their pets so much.

I’m sorry Twilight couldn’t finish your journey with you, but I am tremendously glad you’ve found a way to honor him at your ceremony. Congratulations for accomplishing that, I bet he’d be so happy for you.

Please hang in there and know that the future can never take the love you felt for Twilight away.

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Val
—Loving Riley, Rosy & Axl always 🐾

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ForMitookie_03

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Reply with quote  #10 
Kyle,

I don't think it sounds weird at all about the "pinning."  Congratulations for making it through such a difficult program.  I'm sure losing Twilight made it even more of a struggle to get through.  He will be there in spirit and I know he will be beaming with pride as you cross the stage.  

Hey, I find comfort putting Mitookie's wooden box that holds his ashes on the pillow next to mine at night.  I wouldn't tell just anyone that, I'm sure I'd get a few weird looks, but I really don't care.  He always slept with me, and it comforts me to place him close by.  I also carry one of his favorite fuzzy mice in my purse.  Again, just grasping for some comfort in my world full of pain.

Marina

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Marina ~ Mitookie's Mom
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Kyle

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Posts: 32
Reply with quote  #11 
I am grateful that I have been finding some comfort in coming here. I want to tell Twilight's story on here someday. Marina, we also have been doing some things like that. We just took his urn on our trip up north because he always went with us and it just wouldnt feel right without him. I slept with his blanket because it smelled like him. Just trying to find comfort in any way I can.
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Jerseyb1

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Posts: 12
Reply with quote  #12 
I take my baby's urns with me on every trip I take.  It has been a week since I lost my last one.  I will never have another one the pain is to much.  All we can do is take it day by day.
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COOKIES4

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Reply with quote  #13 
HOW IS EVERYONE DOING TINIGHT. I AM SAD AND EVERY THING I DO, TOUCH, THINK OF EVEN MAKING TOAST REMINDS ME WITH DEEP SADNESS. MY HUSBAND CANNOT HELP MUCH AS HE HIDES HIS GRIEF. BARELY GETTING G BY. HAD A TERRIBLE NIGHTMARE. SPARKY WAS LOOKING FOR FOOD. HIS NOODLES AND A FEW SUNFLOWER SEEDS WE PUT ON SPECIAL TINY CLEAR CUPS WITH COLORED LIDS. I WAS TRYING TO GET HIM THE FOOD BY PUSHING THE LITTLE DISHES TO HIM WITH SOME SORT OF STOCK. MY HEART IS SO HEAVY.. IS HE EATING, IS HE COLD, BAD WEATHER AND SNOW HERE IN INDIANA.
FRIENDS
JOAN
SPARKY'S MOMMY AND JIM SPARKY'S DADDY
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Kyle

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Posts: 32
Reply with quote  #14 
Cookies,
I'm sorry you had to lose your Sparky. I've always been like your husband and his my grief but I think this place has been a good outlet for me. Everyone here truly understands your pain. Take all the time you neef to grieve, losing our pets is losing a family member. If love alone could keep them here, they would live forever. Take care.
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catiebee

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Posts: 1,225
Reply with quote  #15 
Hi Kyle, I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy. just gorgeous and those are great pictures you shared.

My heart dropped when I read that Twilight had lymphoma. I just lost my precious girl to lymphoma 2 days ago . What a rotten disease and thief of precious lives!

The role he had in helping you earn your doctorate makes makes complete sense to me. oh I know you treasured his companionship.

They say you have to feel it to heal it. that is a rotten part of the grief Journey. When you're not used to dealing with Deep Emotions it's that much harder. I can tell you with certainty I'm a wreck here too and though I haven't been on the Forum very long I would venture to say we're all wrecks here, especially in the early days of the loss. Be extra gentle with yourself these days.

I wish you every bit of comfort possible and for the pain to keep diminishing and hope things will get easier for you soon.

Please excuse the weird punctuation and capitalization. I have an injury that's making me reply by voice on my phone.




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Catie
-Missing Marissa deeply
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