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MAlcindor

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Reply with quote  #76 
EevaTeddy, what a precious picture of you and your babies. Thinking of you.
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          Marlen
(Max & Bailey's mommy)

https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MAX42339/Resident.htm
https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/BAILE490/Resident.htm

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EevaTeddy

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Reply with quote  #77 
Hi Teddy,

I still miss you so much. The mental images of your last days burn me. I try to think of happier times. I am still shocked that I don't get to grow old with you. To turn grey with you. You were just six years old. Such a baby. I miss your cuddles and i hope you are okay.

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you transitioned. I was your momma and I wasn't able to protect or guide you. You went alone. Ive always been there for you to show you how to handle situations you were scared of and this one I couldn't. This one - I wasn't even in the room. 

I look back at pictures and I hate myself for not knowing how you must have felt sick. For wasting nights not staying at home with you. 

I genuinely don't know how to live now. My life is upside down. No one asks about you anymore. It's like you never existed for them. Eeva doesn't look for you anymore. And that hurts. I'm sorry that she has forgotten. 

I just want you to know that even if no one remembers you - I do. That your life mattered to me. That I grieve you so hard and fierce that sometimes its feels like a screwdriver to my heart. It brings me to my knees often. 

Baby, I don't know where you are. And that hurts. I tell myself all sorts of ideas of the afterlife but I do not know. 

I've gotten so much judgement for how hard I've grieved. My anger and the nights of research have been thrown back in my face for the fact I am not handling this well. I know that anyone who has walked my path and felt what I felt - would have done the same and grieved so hard. To them, you are just a pet. But to me you were a family member, my child because I am childless and you filled the void in my heart so beautifully. 

I still battle with my choice to let you go. I'm sorry if that was not what you wanted. I'm sorry I couldn't help as you cried out in pain and in fear. You, my little boy, deserved better - a peaceful death. Sweetheart know that I weep for this. I break for this. 

In everything I miss you. 



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i see you in my dream my sweet little boy
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Millie18

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Reply with quote  #78 

EevaTeddy

I'm sorry you are struggling. It's so difficult to look beyond those last days and view the happy times that came before them. They feel like a million years ago. I have to go back to find Millie's pictures from earlier times to remind myself that she was happy. I don't know how long she has actually been sick, but I just didn't know about it.

Looking back I believe she has always had something going on in her body that couldn't be detected in a test. Animals are stoic and don't show us if anything is happening internally until it
s really too late. We do what we can. I apologized over and over to Mill in her last month that I just didn't know she was as sick as she was and that I wished I could do more for her. It makes us feel so helpless when we are in fact in charge of their welfare and can't change their outcomes. It's frustrating and angering at times.

It takes however long it takes to try and get back to a "normal" life. I'm still trying to figure out what my new normal is...

I'll keep you in my prayers. 

 


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Diana

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COOKIES4

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Reply with quote  #79 
I agree, they hide their illness. I read years ago when Sparky was first mine at 6 weeks old that they do that out as a defense mechanism in the wild, at least for birds. And he always looked around worried he would be attacked when he had his back to other snimsld.

MY heart breaks for all of s

New normal is a scary and dad new normal however do we have a choice.

Friends Joan
Sparkys mommy

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Millie18

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Reply with quote  #80 
HI Joan,

Yes, it's a survival mechanism for all creatures out in the wild. It makes it hard for us to help them.
I can't imagine little Sparky at 6 weeks. Do they have their regular feathers or are they more downy? Sorry, I have never had a bird and I really like Sparky and would love to know what he was like as a baby.

Yes, we all have to adapt to new normals now

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Diana

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Reply with quote  #81 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Millie18
HI Joan,

Yes, it's a survival mechanism for all creatures out in the wild. It makes it hard for us to help them.
I can't imagine little Sparky at 6 weeks. Do they have their regular feathers or are they more downy? Sorry, I have never had a bird and I really like Sparky and would love to know what he was like as a baby.

Yes, we all have to adapt to new normals now
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COOKIES4

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Reply with quote  #82 
SPARKY WAS FULL FEATHERED BUT YES A LOT OF SOFT DOWN AND AS I RECALL NOT A LOT OF FULL COLOR. HERE IS A PICTURE I HAVE AND SOME OTHERS BLESS YOU FOR CARING MOMMY JOAN

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Millie18

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Reply with quote  #83 
Thanks Joan. You can message me or send to my page at Millie18. I don't want to take away from EevaTeddy's page 
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Diana

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EevaTeddy

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Reply with quote  #84 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Millie18

EevaTeddy

I'm sorry you are struggling. It's so difficult to look beyond those last days and view the happy times that came before them. They feel like a million years ago. I have to go back to find Millie's pictures from earlier times to remind myself that she was happy. I don't know how long she has actually been sick, but I just didn't know about it.

Looking back I believe she has always had something going on in her body that couldn't be detected in a test. Animals are stoic and don't show us if anything is happening internally until it
s really too late. We do what we can. I apologized over and over to Mill in her last month that I just didn't know she was as sick as she was and that I wished I could do more for her. It makes us feel so helpless when we are in fact in charge of their welfare and can't change their outcomes. It's frustrating and angering at times.

It takes however long it takes to try and get back to a "normal" life. I'm still trying to figure out what my new normal is...

I'll keep you in my prayers. 

 



Thank you. I just don't want to feel this deep sadness anymore. I just want it to stop. As soon as i feel okay I remember that he is gone.

How does anyone move past this grief? This is my first time losing a beloved little one and it's really devastated my world.

I just want him back. I want my old life back. 

Thank you for your prayers. It means a lot to me. 

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Millie18

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Reply with quote  #85 
Quote:
Thank you. I just don't want to feel this deep sadness anymore. I just want it to stop. As soon as i feel okay I remember that he is gone.


I know. It was happening to me as well, feeling ok, then realizing I will never see Mill again, then panic setting in. I just tried to purge as much as I could when I could. I sobbed and screamed Millie's name and that I wanted her back. I too have wanted my old routines back. I've become really angry about it all being taken away from me.

I try to just let the pain and anger flow out of me. I know that the more I can let go of now, the sooner I will feel better. That's really what's been driving me. I hope you are able to release as much pain as you can in a place where you feel safe to do so. That's not always easy. Random things on tv can set me off, that have nothing to do with dogs, but they become shorter lived over time.

I know. It's really annoying and exhausting, but you will begin to feel better. The pain will no longer feel like a bottomless pit. The process unfortunately takes place in its own time. I get angry and frustrated with it as well. It's just a crazy process that we each have to struggle through and hopefully lean on each other while doing it. Eventually the pain will turn into more happy memories.

Millie was dog #4 for me and it really doesn't get easier. At this point I'm just more familiar with the ending procedures themselves. Having the empty house has been the very worst feeling, but I am starting to accept it and adapt. I have no choice. I'm not even close to being ready to bring in another dog.

Sorry, I was rambling. I hope you find more peace soon and I will be thinking about you <3



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Diana

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COOKIES4

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Reply with quote  #86 
YOUR HEAVY HEART AND MEMORY TRIGGERS ARE THERE BECAUSE IT IS A PROCESS THAT WE ARE NEEDING TO GO THROUGH TO GET SOME RELIEF. BE PROUD OF HOW YOU TOOK CARE OF YOUR FUR BABY.
LET US ALL PRAY FOR EACH OTHER AND FORM A PRAYER CHAIN FROM OUR HOMES.
FRIENDSHIP JOAN SPARKYS MOMMY AND JIM SPARKYS DADDY.
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COOKIES4

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Reply with quote  #87 
WOULD YOU BE ABLE TO SHARE TEDDY'S STORY AS MAYBE WE WILL BE ABLE TO HELP SEE THROUGH YOUR GUILT AND PAIN . I WAS TOLD BY A DOCTOR POSSIBLY THAT I SEE THE GRIEF YOU HOLD ON TO AND BLAME IS NOT ALWAYS AS BAD AS IT APPEARS. I CRY FOR YOU. EVA AND HOPE I CAN HELP. IS THERE SOMEONE WHO YOU CAN TALK TO. FRIENDS, JOAN SPARKYS MOMMY
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EevaTeddy

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Reply with quote  #88 
Quote:
Originally Posted by COOKIES4
WOULD YOU BE ABLE TO SHARE TEDDY'S STORY AS MAYBE WE WILL BE ABLE TO HELP SEE THROUGH YOUR GUILT AND PAIN . I WAS TOLD BY A DOCTOR POSSIBLY THAT I SEE THE GRIEF YOU HOLD ON TO AND BLAME IS NOT ALWAYS AS BAD AS IT APPEARS. I CRY FOR YOU. EVA AND HOPE I CAN HELP. IS THERE SOMEONE WHO YOU CAN TALK TO. FRIENDS, JOAN SPARKYS MOMMY


Hi Joan,

I shared a bit about Teddy in the very first post in this thread if you want to read about him.

Thank you for always commenting and responding. I appreciate and am thankful for the support.

I wish none of us were going through this. 

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i see you in my dream my sweet little boy
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EevaTeddy

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Reply with quote  #89 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Millie18


I know. It was happening to me as well, feeling ok, then realizing I will never see Mill again, then panic setting in. I just tried to purge as much as I could when I could. I sobbed and screamed Millie's name and that I wanted her back. I too have wanted my old routines back. I've become really angry about it all being taken away from me.

I try to just let the pain and anger flow out of me. I know that the more I can let go of now, the sooner I will feel better. That's really what's been driving me. I hope you are able to release as much pain as you can in a place where you feel safe to do so. That's not always easy. Random things on tv can set me off, that have nothing to do with dogs, but they become shorter lived over time.

I know. It's really annoying and exhausting, but you will begin to feel better. The pain will no longer feel like a bottomless pit. The process unfortunately takes place in its own time. I get angry and frustrated with it as well. It's just a crazy process that we each have to struggle through and hopefully lean on each other while doing it. Eventually the pain will turn into more happy memories.

Millie was dog #4 for me and it really doesn't get easier. At this point I'm just more familiar with the ending procedures themselves. Having the empty house has been the very worst feeling, but I am starting to accept it and adapt. I have no choice. I'm not even close to being ready to bring in another dog.

Sorry, I was rambling. I hope you find more peace soon and I will be thinking about you <3




Thank you. I totally agree with you. It's like I'm somewhat okay and then all of sudden I can barely breathe. 

I am certain it does not get easier with any further pets. I am not sure I can love again like this or that I want to. It hurts to lose them.

I think you are smart taking your time with a new dog. Your heart needs time to heal.

I am thinking of you. Thank you for the support and love. 

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i see you in my dream my sweet little boy
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EevaTeddy

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Reply with quote  #90 
Teddy boy,

I think of you often. I miss you so much. My heart hurts for you. I long to be with you and hold you. I can't help but wonder where you are. If you exist anymore.

When I come home sometimes I expect to see you. I wish I could reverse this. I could bring you back. I look at pictures of during that week and you look sick. I had so much hope and maybe you could have survived. 

Eeva misses playing with you SO much. I try my best. I should probably get her a companion but I can't Teddy. I miss you too much. 

I started therapy this week. It was hard talking about you and your traumatic death. I can't get the images or memories out of my head. All the little moments are there. I see you and remember those days so vividly. 

Really, I just miss your presence. You were my pumpkin boy. So sweet and caring and trusting. You loved the simple things in life. Please come back to me somehow. Or wait for me. 

Please Teddy. I miss you. I'm so sorry. 

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i see you in my dream my sweet little boy
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