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EevaTeddy

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Reply with quote  #46 
All the Things I love about Teddy


His smell
His lightness (energy wise)
His joy and sunshine
How he is afraid of storms
How he is afraid of trucks driving outside down the street
How he flops down to have his belly rubbed when you get home
His joy of fresh refills of dry food
How he lays all stretched out on his belly and wags his tail while he watches the birds outside
The shape of his body
His size and color
The way he comes to me whenever I call - even if there is a thunderstorm
His sweet disposition
His love for the bathtub and hiding in it
How he sleeps on the pillow next to me
How he puts his upper body on mine to be held when I'm laying down
The way he looks at me with love
I love our mornings together. Him wanting to be fed fresh food and for me to sit in the kitchen with him
His curiosity about everything I ate 
How he LOVED food
His pink white belly
The strands of black hair in his creamsicle tail
How he plays at night. He meows so loud and climbs walls
How he sat on the toilet when I showered - so curious as to what I was doing
How easy it was to get him excited - I would clap my hands and coo him and he would wag his tail and hop around
How he wags his tail just like a dog
How he always wanted to be under the covers with me in bed
The sound of his loud purr
How he always wanted to be on my team when we played hide and seek with Eeva 😉
How he sat on the chair next to the window to lookout
How he loves paper towel cores. I would throw them to him and he would wrap his legs around it and kick it
How every time someone was leaving he was by the front door waiting. He slowly moved there when he noticed we were heading that way.
How he loves my yoga mat and crawling under me when I do yoga
How he always wants to be close to me
The way he's pull himself under the dresser or chair - using his legs to push himself around
How he loves plastic square bread bag clips
How he loves the smell of coffee

Last memory of playing with Teddy

I was in the shower and Teddy was in his usual spot on the closed toilet bowl. I kept peaking my head outside the curtain and surprise him. Then I would go to the other side of the curtain and do the same thing. He really enjoyed it.


(I'll add more later but this suddenly is very hard to write anything. I can't believe he is gone.)

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i see you in my dream my sweet little boy
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COOKIES4

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Reply with quote  #47 
NOT YELLING LOW VISION. WHAT GREAT STORIES, BLESS YOU FOR SHARING THEM. WHEN YOU ARE READY SHARE WITH US SOME MORE OF THESE.
DID HE HAVE A FAVORITE BLANKRT. HERE IS MY SPARKY, 28 YEARS AND TEN AND A HALF MONTHS. PASSED DECEMBER 28, 2017. BORN FEBRUARY 14, 1989. Got HIM AT 6 WEEKS OLD. NO WHERE BETTER AFTER SEVEN MONTHS,LAST 28TH OF JULY. GIVE YOURSELF TIME.FRIENDS, JOAN, SPARKYS ;

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MAlcindor

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Reply with quote  #48 
EavyTeddy, thank you for sharing all the wonderful things you love about Teddy. It is difficult to think of all the beautiful memories and realize they are gone. One day they will bring you a lot more joy and less tears. The heartache will never go away I'm afraid. 


saddest moment.png 


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          Marlen
(Max & Bailey's mommy)

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EevaTeddy

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Reply with quote  #49 
Thank you. That is so true. Thinking of you Marlen and wondering how you are doing lately? I love the pics of Max and Bailey that you put up on diff threads. They are SO cute. <3
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EevaTeddy

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Reply with quote  #50 
UPDATE 11 ---

I have some good moments lately where I laugh and cry thinking of funny goofy things Teddy did.

I also have moments of gratitude for me getting to be his mom.

Where I am struggling is with the guilt.

There are three ways/times I could have saved Teddy's life:

1. Taking him to regular vet appts to manage health concerns. Teddy had never been to the vet since he was a kitten. I naively thought you only took animals to the vet when they are sick. I thought Teddy was healthy and never thought about routine checks on blood work to help him live healthy and longer. I also could have established a relationship with a vet who would have hopefully cared more about us. We would have had his health history as well. I could have managed his weight and realized that that could be dangerous for cats. I didn't know - I was ignorant and Teddy lost his life because of me.

2. When Teddy was sick and exhibited initial signs of different behavior I should have taken him in immediately. I let Teddy not eat for several days before I took him. I kept thinking he would get better and didn't need to get in. But now I know thats not true. Different behavior means something is wrong. Take them in immediately because it will save them time and they will be in better health condition if things need to be done. I let Teddy suffer longer than needed by my ignorance and unwillingness to see what was before me - a cat that LOVED to eat - wasn't eating. Was hiding. Was looking different. I waited through the weekend instead. 

3. When Teddy had a bad reaction to the steroid - immediately I should have taken him into the ER. They would have helped me get him off the steroid he had only been on for a few days and they could have monitored him and brought him back to strength to I would have had time to start some holistic treatment of the supposed cancer. I also could have worked with an oncologist to find out what was really wrong. 

When I look at pictures of me and him - I just want to scream at that stupid girl who played so stupidly with her beloved's life. Now I have to live without him and so does Eeva. Poor Eeva lost a brother because I didn't look into what makes a cat healthy. I didn't take the time to think about being proactive.

I am trying to get therapy because I really hate myself for this. It fills me with anger. It makes me want scream. He could have lived a lot longer if it wasn't for me. 

My poor little baby boy. So sweet and gentle. Please forgive me.

I want to tell other pet owners what I've learned about being proactive in their animals life. I think a lot of people don't pay attention. We get caught up in our daily lives thinking they will be there forever and that they will be okay. Not knowing they might be suffering or in pain for awhile. I'm pretty sure my boy Teddy was in pain for months or even years and I didn't know.

I don't know how to let this go. It's the worst feeling.

Thinking of everyone today and all the grief we are experiencing. 


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Millie18

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Reply with quote  #51 
Oh EevaTeddy, I'm so sorry that you're in so much pain. We do the best we can with what we have. Often we see signs, but the fear of thinking that something might be wrong with our best friends can be terrifying and no matter what we do we could have done things differently. We can drive ourselves absolutely crazy.

I could have taken Millie in more frequently, but I knew how much taking her to the vet would stress her out, so I had to weigh out the pros and cons. In the end it wouldn't have mattered. The cancer took over her body and nothing was going to stop it. In hindsight it was probably best because not knowing about the cancer allowed me  to focus only on her and not obsess over and be fearful of the cancer.

Taking care of our fur babies is a huge job with many decisions to make and we just muddle through doing the best we can. You meant no harm, you loved your baby Teddy and he knows that. They can't tell us when something is wrong and so much is a guessing game, even for the vets.

I had so many tests done in the beginning, but everything always came back normal, until the very end when she was all of a sudden at stage 4. There is just so much we will never be able to control and thinking that we can will run us into the ground if we allow it to.

Therapy sounds like a great idea. Having someone help you to be kinder to yourself, to help you know you did the best you could at the time for your dear Teddy.

Sending you hugs and asking Teddy to watch over you. I wish I could help take your pain away. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

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Diana

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Reply with quote  #52 
NOT YELLING LOW VISION. YOUR TEDDY MASKED ILLNESS SURELY MY SPARKY FEATHER BABY NO IDEA HE WAS READY TO PASS. I AGREE TAKING HIM TO THE VET WOULD HAVE STRESSED HIM OUT MORE. HE HAD A PRESSUR SORE ON BOTTOM OF ONE FOOT I NURSED THAT BY PUTTING SOFT MOLESKIN AROUND PERCH AND EDGES OF HIS FOOD DISHES. I CALLED VET, IT WAS YEARS SINCE HE WENT AS WE MOVED OUT OF A FLOODED FORECLOSED. BLDG OWNER NOT PAYING MORTGAGE. OUR PETS TRAUMATIC TP GO OUR SPARKY HATED CAR AND LAST VISIT WAS HORRIBLE AT VET. YOU MADE THE CORRECT CHOICE AS WE ASK OURSELVES WHATIS WORSE WEIGH THE CHOICES . CARE FOR OUR BABIES AT HOME OR TAKE THEM FOR FRIGHTENING VISITS.
BLESS YOU FOR YOUR WORDS.
MOMMY JOAN SPARKY'S MOMMY
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Reply with quote  #53 
PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT. BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF I AM,SOBBING NOW,AS I TOO BLAME MYSELF FOR.NOT BEING THERE WHEN MY SWEET SPARKY WAS IN HIS CAGE BY HIS FAVORITE MR. BELL GASPING FOR AIR TO BREATH AS HE LEANED ON IT AND I WAS IN OTHER ROOM FOR SEVERAL HOURS AND NEVER CHECKED ON SPARKY AS I DO EVERY FEW MINUTES THROUGH THE DAY. HE SLEPT DAYS AND I GOT HIM UP FOR DINNER ABOUT 6PM. THE NIGHT HE PASSED AWAY I WENT IN THERE AT 7 PM DUE TO MY LAPTOP . EVER USE ANYMORE DUE TO SEVERE ARTHRITIS IN MY HANDS AND BODY. MY HUSBAND DELETED SOMETHING G AMD WAS ON A REMOTE SESSION WITH A SUPPORT SERVICE . HIS FAULT I NEVER KNEW HE WAS STRUGGLING TO PASS. PLEASE HELP ALL OF US WE COULD NOT BE EVERYWHERE AT THE SAME TIME. I WILL NEVER USE MY LAPTOP AGAIN SPARKY PASSED IN MY HANDS. AND THEN HAD A CREMATION NIGHTMARE I WILL START A NEW THREAD FOR THAT
SORRY. JOAN. SPARKY IS MY BABY

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MAlcindor

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Reply with quote  #54 
Quote:
Originally Posted by EevaTeddy
Thank you. That is so true. Thinking of you Marlen and wondering how you are doing lately? I love the pics of Max and Bailey that you put up on diff threads. They are SO cute. <3


Thank you for thinking of me. Trying to stay distracted today. Saturdays were the days I spent most time with my babies. I don't know what to do with myself lately.

I really hope your guilt starts to lift, you loved your Teddy with all your heart. Sometimes things are out of our control and that is difficult for us to accept. 

Take care of yourself and please know that Teddy knows how much you loved him.

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          Marlen
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https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MAX42339/Resident.htm
https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/BAILE490/Resident.htm

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EevaTeddy

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Reply with quote  #55 
UPDATE 12 ----

I am definitely still grieving. I cry multiple times a day. But I am also able to get things done I haven't been able to in a long time. 

I think I am so used to changeable things in life. Repairable things. This may be the first time I've dealt with something at home that is irreversible. That is final. 

If I make a mistake in life. I can change it. I can apologize and heal. I can repair what I've done. I can go back and fix it. 

I think that is what I am struggling with today. Realizing this is the first irreversible permanent circumstance that is life altering that I cannot change. 

There is nothing that will bring Teddy back. There is nothing that I can do to reverse time. There is no price I can pay to have one more day. I must accept this.

I've also been thinking a lot about what he supposedly had - lymphoma. The say only 5-8% of cancer is ultimately hereditary. So something in Teddy's life caused his genes to be mutative and lead to his death. (I somewhat do not believe he had cancer - as he had no tumors visible - he had a healthy heart - was not anemic and his blood work doesn't represent it).  

But Teddy did have health issues or he would not have gotten a lack of appetite. I am pretty sure his diet led to chronic inflammation. He had a bit of a belly as well. And we all know that is a major health risk for animals.

I, ignorantly, fed both Teddy and Eeva Fromm Chicken A la Veg Dry Food for their whole life. Eeva would eat tuna about every two weeks from my food. Teddy never ate tuna - he hated fish. I think what saved Eeva is the omega 3s and 6s in the tuna. Also she ate lighter than Teddy.

I remember when I first got them - I paid so much attention to getting educated on behavioral techniques. I read about all the vaccines and which to avoid. Then the last three years I didn't think too much about their health. I had dreams of buying a place with a large yard to give them outdoor access. But I didn't really think about their diet or adding supplements.

Poor Teddy. I don't want my cat to pay for my mistakes. 

Does dry food lead to health problems? There is both evidence supporting and denying. Some people talk about how their cat lived on crap dry food for 16 years and never had any health issues. I don't understand.

Eeva's diet is now high quality protein based wet food twice a day with a little dry food in between. She gets probiotics with digestive enzymes and omega 3 every morning. 

Why didn't I do this with my precious Teddy bear? He deserved it! Ugh, what an idiot I have been with a life.

I am also thinking of adopting another cat soon. But I don't know. I'm nervous. I want to honor Teddy by waiting. It would be nice to have another cat for Eeva but maybe she is okay. I know she is definitely more bored without her brother. What do you think? It hasn't been 2 months yet...

I am SO thankful for everyone on this forum. I find such peace reading other's stories and receiving responses. I feel so less alone. Like many of us on here - this is the only place I have anymore. 

Sending everyone love tonight! 


(baby Teddy entranced by a light) <3
543592_10150962454662902_1208455020_n.jpg


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MAlcindor

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Reply with quote  #56 
What a precious picture of your beautiful adorable Teddy. It makes me smile.


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https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MAX42339/Resident.htm
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EevaTeddy

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Reply with quote  #57 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MAlcindor
What a precious picture of your beautiful adorable Teddy. It makes me smile.



Aw thank you!! hahaha it does for me too 😉   he was such a goofy guy. 

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MAlcindor

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Reply with quote  #58 
There's just no telling why some die young, no matter the care we take with their diet and their medical care. We can only do what we think is good and right for them and the rest is up to God. We are lucky to have them for the time that we do. We were blessed to have had them.
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          Marlen
(Max & Bailey's mommy)

https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MAX42339/Resident.htm
https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/BAILE490/Resident.htm

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EevaTeddy

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Reply with quote  #59 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Millie18
Oh EevaTeddy, I'm so sorry that you're in so much pain. We do the best we can with what we have. Often we see signs, but the fear of thinking that something might be wrong with our best friends can be terrifying and no matter what we do we could have done things differently. We can drive ourselves absolutely crazy.

I could have taken Millie in more frequently, but I knew how much taking her to the vet would stress her out, so I had to weigh out the pros and cons. In the end it wouldn't have mattered. The cancer took over her body and nothing was going to stop it. In hindsight it was probably best because not knowing about the cancer allowed me  to focus only on her and not obsess over and be fearful of the cancer.

Taking care of our fur babies is a huge job with many decisions to make and we just muddle through doing the best we can. You meant no harm, you loved your baby Teddy and he knows that. They can't tell us when something is wrong and so much is a guessing game, even for the vets.

I had so many tests done in the beginning, but everything always came back normal, until the very end when she was all of a sudden at stage 4. There is just so much we will never be able to control and thinking that we can will run us into the ground if we allow it to.

Therapy sounds like a great idea. Having someone help you to be kinder to yourself, to help you know you did the best you could at the time for your dear Teddy.

Sending you hugs and asking Teddy to watch over you. I wish I could help take your pain away. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.


I just wanted to thank you for your response. It brought tears to my eyes knowing that I am not alone and that others' have experienced this questioning.

Your response brought me some peace because I realize that maybe some things are preventable but either way - there are pros and cons. We just know the cons of the decisions we decided to make.

I am still doing research as to why/what happened to Teddy. Mainly because my mind is just like that. I want to learn what happened so that maybe I have knowledge with other pets. 

You are so right about a guessing game even for the vets. It's pretty astounding to discover that vets really are just trying to diagnosis the best they can but nothing is finite. They look at clues and try to piece it together. I think thats why second opinions matter because it's just another set of eyes trying to piece it together. I'm sure it's the same in the human medical field. 

They said Teddy was stage v lymphoma. I wonder if that means his cancer was really progressed. It's strange because they couldn't see any visible tumors in the radiographs. I don't know what happened. 

I know he was a ray of sunshine. So lovely and sweet. I wish we could post videos on this forum. 

Lots of love to you and thank you for your words that have brought healing. 

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EevaTeddy

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Reply with quote  #60 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MAlcindor
There's just no telling why some die young, no matter the care we take with their diet and their medical care. We can only do what we think is good and right for them and the rest is up to God. We are lucky to have them for the time that we do. We were blessed to have had them.


Very true. It's hard to accept their loss and we always wonder what more could we have done. No matter our actions I think we would always ask that.

I really hope I can let this go at some point.

<3

I hope you are having a good day Marlen. 

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