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MyBabyX10

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Reply with quote  #31 
I hope and pray that everyone is doing okay today, it’s been a weird, depressing day for me! We are all in this together! All of us have each other here! Just know I’m here! I also appreciate that you have helped me as well.
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MAlcindor

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Reply with quote  #32 
It has been weird and extremely depressing for me too. Don't know why, but I pretty much cried to myself all day and had a lump in my throat. Thank you for being here and listening to the rambling.
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          Marlen
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EevaTeddy

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Reply with quote  #33 
We are all hurting so bad. I'm praying for all of us today. To get through another day and night. 

I am thinking of you. Our babies know we love them so much. That we miss them so much. 

I hope healing comes for us all very soon. 

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Rookiesmama

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Reply with quote  #34 
Eevateddy,

You wrote, "I can't function in the world. Everyone so happy and living so carelessly. They don't know that the most precious little boy is gone."

Doesn't it seem like such a cruel joke that the world goes about its business, not knowing what a great loss we've suffered. I'm praying I can be an effective teacher when I go back to work. Luckily, I work with little ones and they're easily impressed.

I'm sorry you have so much guilt; I wish I could take it away for you. I still struggle with mine and feel the need to apologize daily. I have not yet washed my comforter, and I need to clean my floors, but like you, the permanence of fur being gone is overwhelming.

I LOVE the picture of Teddy you posted. So handsome! He looks so content in the picture!!
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Sarabellum

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Reply with quote  #35 
I'm hearing severe depression and am concerned. As one who deals with anxiety and depression on a daily basis, I know how consuming grief can be. Indeed, I'm currently in the throes of it having lost my BB a couple of weeks ago. I am making an appointment with my company's employee assistance program (EAP) for a therapist because I'm overwhelmed and having difficulty functioning. I would encourage anyone feeling similarly to please seek help as soon as possible. Therapy can offer tools to help manage the overwhelming emotions. Rehashing painful memories keeps you stuck in guilt and shame. It really doesn't help. I know. I've done it for a very long time but I recognize I'm struggling so I'm getting help. Please, please reach out for professional help. At the very least, find a face to face group for pet loss. They can help point you in the right direction and offer much needed hugs. Hang in there.
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EevaTeddy

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Reply with quote  #36 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarabellum
I'm hearing severe depression and am concerned. As one who deals with anxiety and depression on a daily basis, I know how consuming grief can be. Indeed, I'm currently in the throes of it having lost my BB a couple of weeks ago. I am making an appointment with my company's employee assistance program (EAP) for a therapist because I'm overwhelmed and having difficulty functioning. I would encourage anyone feeling similarly to please seek help as soon as possible. Therapy can offer tools to help manage the overwhelming emotions. Rehashing painful memories keeps you stuck in guilt and shame. It really doesn't help. I know. I've done it for a very long time but I recognize I'm struggling so I'm getting help. Please, please reach out for professional help. At the very least, find a face to face group for pet loss. They can help point you in the right direction and offer much needed hugs. Hang in there.


Thank you. Yes, I am on a waitlist for therapy through my health insurance group. It will probably be about 6-8 weeks before I able to meet with one. 

This forum has helped. I might look into a pet loss group in person. 

I just feel powerless and robbed of my little boy. Because I wasn't informed - I lost him. It's really tearing me up. It's irreversible. 

I am hanging in there for Eeva my other kitten. 

Thanks for the support and suggestion. I really wish for better days for all of us.

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MAlcindor

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Reply with quote  #37 
Unfortunately our society does not offer the same loss support for pets than it does for human loss. I live in Miami Florida and since my Max died in June I've been searching for support groups in the area and there are just none. When Bailey passed in July I thought I would go insane and the only place I found was this forum. There is just no support in our communities. I have been searching for a therapist/counselor because I really believe I am suffering from PTSD because of the violent nature of Bailey's passing. I'm stuck in that moment of his attack, I can't get it out of my head. Even searching for a grief counselor is a challenge. Hopefully I'm able to get a appointment with one soon as I don't see me getting any better without professional help. I wish you all better days ahead.
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          Marlen
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https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MAX42339/Resident.htm
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EevaTeddy

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Reply with quote  #38 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MAlcindor
Unfortunately our society does not offer the same loss support for pets than it does for human loss. I live in Miami Florida and since my Max died in June I've been searching for support groups in the area and there are just none. When Bailey passed in July I thought I would go insane and the only place I found was this forum. There is just no support in our communities. I have been searching for a therapist/counselor because I really believe I am suffering from PTSD because of the violent nature of Bailey's passing. I'm stuck in that moment of his attack, I can't get it out of my head. Even searching for a grief counselor is a challenge. Hopefully I'm able to get a appointment with one soon as I don't see me getting any better without professional help. I wish you all better days ahead.


Yes! I totally agree. And from what I read about grief - losing a companion pet is more traumatizing than some loss of human relationships - not to diminish the weight of our relationships but because our daily routine involves our animals and they provide unconditional love. Also we are their care takers and therefore hold ourselves responsible for their life.

I completely agree that PTSD is happening. Those moments are painful flashes that burn us. They come up out of no where. I really hope finding a counselor will happen. Anything that will help those images ease.

Thinking of you today. 

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Tankie12

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Reply with quote  #39 
I agree with all of you and I’d like to add one other thing. Myself, I can not talk about this (in the person) without my sobs/tears choking the words off. Without the overwhelming emotions slamming together leaving no one single pervasive logical thing to say. But Here, Here I can type and cry and sob while I have my time to try to put words to the emotions. THIS is the only release, the healthiest way for Me to vent. MALcindor lives in a big city and wants to and is having no luck finding someone. While we wait or seek this is the refuge, the safe place to feel without judgement. WE have the true definition of *empathy* right here,,,,,
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Rookiesmama

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Reply with quote  #40 
Tankie, you wrote, "While we wait or seek this is the refuge, the safe place to feel without judgement. WE have the true definition of *empathy* right here,,,,,"

I am so sad we're all going through this, but I am SO thankful to everyone here! I feel no matter how often I repeat myself or what kind of day i'm having, there's no judgement, just support. ❤❤❤
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EevaTeddy

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Reply with quote  #41 
UPDATE 10 ----

Today has been hard. I keep hoping to find peace within myself. Some way to say "Okay, this happened but it's okay now."

I've been bottling it down most of the afternoon and evening because of work. But once on my own, like tonight, it's overwhelming. I keep seeing the images of him being pulled away from me. Scared and crying out. Trying to get away. And then to hear she just killed him moments later like that in the back room. 

My heart is shattered you guys. Totally shattered. My poor baby boy. I hate that vet. She probably just saw that he was freaking out and decided instead of calming him down to just kill him. He deserved better. No one deserves to go like that especially Teddy who was afraid of his own shadow. Who never hurt a fly. 

I am so broken. 

I have no relief. I'm hiding at this point from my family about this because one - they don't ask. Two - when I start hinting at how I'm still so damaged I can hear their voices change like "oh this again."

He really was like a baby or child to my heart. Anyone that with a child died like this - screaming and fighting to get away and then to have them killed away from you would destroy even the strongest. He was my baby boy. 

I really hate myself for so many reasons but most of all not being emotionally strong for him when he needed me too. I was to swept away in tears and sadness to stop the madness happening to him. 

I could have made peace with the decision that he needed to be let go. I have that morning known it might happen - I had wanted to do it at home but no one could come until 1pm and I worried he was suffering so I took him to the vet's at 10 am - just a few hours difference.

I can make peace with that maybe the best thing to do was to let him pass. (Maybe it wasn't because he may been able to live after the fluid was drained. I don't know) But I can't make peace with the way he went. 

Obviously I had no idea the vet would just do that to him in the back room. NO IDEA. I thought he'd come back sedated and relaxed. 

The images haunt me. I hate being at home now. Even with Eeva it's so empty. 

I'm just struggling. Living a normal seems impossible now. I'm just getting through it. No joy left. 

I'm sorry to vent so much emotion and sadness. I literally have no one to talk to.

Thank you.



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MAlcindor

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Reply with quote  #42 
EavaTeddy I hate it that you are so hard on yourself. I'm sorry you've had to deal with such feelings of guilt. Please know that your Teddy loves you and knows you did everything you could to care for him. I'm sorry the vet disappointed you. I would never go back to that vet, maybe just to give her a piece of my mind, but that's just me. I hope you have a better day today.
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          Marlen
(Max & Bailey's mommy)

https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MAX42339/Resident.htm
https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/BAILE490/Resident.htm

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EevaTeddy

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Reply with quote  #43 
Thank you Marlen. Everything seems to be a little better when I check in on here and read messages from you and others. I will never go back to the vet's office. Eeva will be going to a my friends vet when she needs to go for a check up.

I was able to get Eeva a new soft cozy bed and a new scratching post. She LOVES them both. She hasn't left the bed in hours! I might be a little small for her but she doesn't seem to notice. 

I wanted to change the positive environment for her and I think this has helped. 

I am more so numb these last 24 hours. I had one crying moment earlier today. I'm not sure why but my brain and body will no longer let me feel anything anymore. No sadness and no joy. I wonder if this is the stage "acceptance" that everyone keeps talking about.

I don't know whats happening. I do keep thinking about him. How I miss his sweet cuddles and out going personality. 

I also think about how much my life has changed. I hate that the world keeps spinning sometimes. Without him the world should just stop.

I just started working a second job two days ago because I am so in debt with Teddy's medical bills. It means I am so much more busy. It's hard on my body working day time and then night. I'll be pulling a double the next two days so I might be able to get back on here until Sunday. I'm sure Eeva misses me. I hope this isn't for a long time.

My ex boyfriend contacted me and wants to know if I've gotten into therapy. If I get into therapy he might want to start dating again. I don't know how to feel about that. Obviously relationships are complicated. I kinda feel like since he doesn't really enjoy animals we will never truly be good together. If I heal from this loss of Teddy I'd like to get more animals. 

I just get through the days like most of us on here. There isn't much relief except when I am on this forum.

Thinking of everyone tonight. I hope you are all doing ok. <3

(Teddy and Eeva are brother and sister. Teddy is orange and white and Eeva is gray, cream and orange. They are 6 years olds this April. I've had them since they were 5 weeks old. Teddy is more outgoing and goofy and follows me from room to room. He wants all my attention. Eeva is more reserved and like to watch from a far but will cuddle at night.) I love them so much. 


IMG_3514 2.jpg  IMG_3515.jpg  IMG_3516 2.jpg  IMG_3591.jpg  IMG_3593.jpg  IMG_3528 2.jpg 


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MAlcindor

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Reply with quote  #44 
Both your babies are beautiful, and I know how much you miss your Teddy. I know what you mean about not being able to feel anything, you're just sort of numb. I don't know if it's acceptance or just your body's way of stopping the pain. The tears come everyday for me. It seems as life is so unfair, I was cheated and I should have had more time with my babies. I'm sorry you have to work so hard, but I know about the debt. Between Max and then Bailey I need time to recover from the vet bills also. I'm glad you were able to get Eava some new things, maybe that will keep her distracted from not seeing her brother. I hope you are able to get on here, it does help a lot to express your feelings where you know everyone understands you. 
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          Marlen
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https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MAX42339/Resident.htm
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EevaTeddy

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Reply with quote  #45 
Marlen,

I totally know how you feel. I feel cheated too. It is so unfair. I wish I had 16 years together like most pet owners get to experience. I still don't get why this happened. 

My heart aches for your babies and what you've gone through. I hope many blessings and days of joy come to you soon in the future. We will get through this. I am so thankful for this forum. 

It's sad but Eeva doesn't look for Teddy when I give her treats. They used to wait for the other to come into the room before they ate their own. For weeks after Teddy passed - Eeva still looked and waited for him before she ate hers. Now she doesn't. I don't know if she remembers him anymore. 

Last night was the first night she didn't go into the bathtub and howl for him. I feel so bad that I made a decision to put him down - a decision that really effected her life. He was her brother and definitely her best friend. 

If I start remembering that week of taking care of him. I start to feel guilty that I decided to let him go. It's like a stab to the heart when I think about that decision. The guilt is still strong. And I regret my decision so much. I regret a lot about what happened. 

I miss him so much. I miss being home with both of them and their different personalities. 

Sigh. 

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