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EevaTeddy

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Reply with quote  #16 
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Originally Posted by MAlcindor
EavaTeddy, what you went through with your Teddy was a nightmare. I have so many regrets about my Max also. I should have taken him to a different ER the first day he showed any sign of an ailment. Oh God how I wish we could turn back time. Death is so final that I cannot wrap my mind around it.

Friends and family say they understand but they really don't. My son understands because he knows I loved my boys like I love him, as the children they were to me. Max and Bailey were a very important part of my life and I feel lost without them. I feel my world has lost it's color. 

Unfortunately our pain is ours and ours alone to feel. It is unbearable at times. Just yesterday as Max's urn was delivered to me I got the call from ER vet that Bailey's ashes were ready for me to pick up. I lost it. It is just too much for me to handle. I am so tired of the pain and anguish but just don't know what to do. 




I totally understand how you feel. When I read your words about the world losing it's color - I feel the same way. 

I know that with time it might get easier. I am just sometimes surprised by the fact that he is gone. And like you said death is so final it's hard to wrap our minds around it. 

Yesterday at work - it felt like a ton of bricks had dropped on me. For a moment I had forgotten what happened and then I realized. I went to the bathroom to cry. It's just so lonely - grief. I am happy I can connect with other people like you on here because I don't how else I would cope.

The what if's are plaguing me. I sincerely think he had a chance to pull through. 

Do you ever feel guilty for mourning? Like I know I am blessed and I am so thankful for all the gifts in my life. Sometimes I feel bad to mourn so hardly the passing of my beloved Teddy because others may have it worse or maybe they lost a lot more or something more tragic or traumatic in this world. I'm struggling because I know pain is pain. But I randomly feel bad like although this was awful and traumatic and I lost my baby boy but other people all over this world lose a lot more. I don't know. Maybe it's just my psyche trying to make me feel even worse.

I just know I miss him more than anything. And I'm still shocked.

I'm so sorry for your pain. I remember when I had to pick up Teddy's ashes. I was like shaking. I put it off for a few days because I just couldn't face it, even though I wanted him home with me. I could barely walk into the vets to retrieve him.

He sat on my dresser for a long. I think it's the confirmation that this did happen. That he is gone. Here is the proof that almost broke me. 

I am thinking of you. I hope the waves of pain and grief come further apart and softer for you.

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EevaTeddy

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Reply with quote  #17 
UPDATE 5 ------

Last couple of days I've been thinking about what I could have done. Like for instance, gotten a check up earlier in the year. Taken him in immediately when he should aversion to food instead of waiting a few days. Taken him to the ER when I noticed immediately breathing problems.

After reading about fluid in the lungs from a steroid reaction I realize that he possibly could have recovered. They would have syringed fluid out and got him on a diuretic. I would have taken him off the steroid and just kept syringe feeding him. I would have tried some the holistic approaches and gave him a few more weeks to get stronger or recover. 

I'm starting to feel like because I was uneducated that I gave up too soon. I remember seeing his breathing as a sign he was immediately dying but that is not the case. Yes he was sick but rapid breathing with possible fluid in the lungs doesn't mean he is dying right at that moment. 

I don't know how to move past this and let it go. I deeply wish I had understood more about feline health. I wish the vets I went to explained things in not sure dire circumstances. Like for instance telling me that chemo isn't really that poorly received by felines. They tolerate it well. All I thought about was human experience. I would have been open to trying chemo for sure had I known. 

I keep looking at my girl Eeva (teddy's sister) thinking how sad it is when animals get sick we put them down. Teddy NEVER EVER got sick. Literally not even a stomach bug or any type of problem. His first experience led to his death.

Sometimes I feel like I might see him again one day. During that terrible week I kept asking him to hold on to stay strong and that I would do my best by him. I feel like he kept his side of the deal and I didn't. He had a gruesome death. He was terrified. I didn't stop the vet from taking him. 

The guilt is consuming me. Please help. 

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MyBabyX10

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Reply with quote  #18 
I AM SO SORRY FOR WHAT YOU ENDURED! And Most of all for your loss! 😒😒😒😒 We lost our little boy (Shih Tzu) 2 nights ago. They took my little monkey to the back, put an IV with I believe a sedative, we heard him crying trying to find a vein, I told my husband, let’s take him home and try the 2nd dose of Clyndamiacin (antibiotic) but his breathing was really bad, the vet said no fluid was in his lungs, they were afraid his brain would swell and actually come out of his skull! 😒😒😒😒 his own immune system was attacking his own body, both the vet and pet neurologist said he would probably not make it through the night and would suffer vs us putting him to sleep peacefully, afterwards I cradled his little head in my arms, we stayed with him for a while, I refused to leave him there by himself, so when we were ready to leave, we notified the vet, she came and got him. I second guess myself with not going through with the 2nd round of the antibiotic, he was only 19 months old! I just don’t understand! 😒😒😒😒😒😒 I so feel your pain! It’s like a knife through the heart!
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EevaTeddy

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Reply with quote  #19 
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Originally Posted by MyBabyX10
I AM SO SORRY FOR WHAT YOU ENDURED! And Most of all for your loss! 😒😒😒😒 We lost our little boy (Shih Tzu) 2 nights ago. They took my little monkey to the back, put an IV with I believe a sedative, we heard him crying trying to find a vein, I told my husband, let’s take him home and try the 2nd dose of Clyndamiacin (antibiotic) but his breathing was really bad, the vet said no fluid was in his lungs, they were afraid his brain would swell and actually come out of his skull! 😒😒😒😒 his own immune system was attacking his own body, both the vet and pet neurologist said he would probably not make it through the night and would suffer vs us putting him to sleep peacefully, afterwards I cradled his little head in my arms, we stayed with him for a while, I refused to leave him there by himself, so when we were ready to leave, we notified the vet, she came and got him. I second guess myself with not going through with the 2nd round of the antibiotic, he was only 19 months old! I just don’t understand! 😒😒😒😒😒😒 I so feel your pain! It’s like a knife through the heart!



Oh I am so sorry to hear about your little baby boy. I don't understand losing a young one. It's like your mind can't wrap around it. You feel robbed and cheated of a future life with him. I am really so sorry for your loss. I wish that all of our babies would grow old with good health and then go peacefully. I hope you take time to mourn and be good to yourself. You are an amazing mom to your lil guy. He was so lucky to find you in this life. 

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EevaTeddy

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Reply with quote  #20 
UPDATE 6 ----

Last night I had so many dreams about Teddy. I kept waking up thinking I need to write down what I should look up tomorrow to see if maybe he had the symptoms of a lung infection or maybe he did have pancreatitis. I was trying to still figure out what happened to him in my dreams. 

I guess I still feel the need to figure out what the hell happened. A friend of mine told me "what you know is that he was sick. He was suffering and probably in pain and you did what the professionals who see this every day told you to do." I mean yes from a logical perspective that is true. But from an emotional perspective - I had hope he would live. I wish I would know what caused his illness to begin with. I "possible" diagnosis of lymphoma (not even where it might be) and then a bad reaction to a steroid which the doctors still don't believe is just a set up for my questions. I mean I love him - he will always be my baby boy. I have such a distrust in doctors now and that sucks.

Eeva update - she is finding a new norm. She doesn't look for him anymore when I give treats (she used to wait for him). She ABSOLUTELY misses playing with him. I try my best but I can tell I am a weak substitute for her brother - who would wrestle and chase her. Who would entertain her with his goofy antics. Her diet has changed too. I still have grain free dry food out for her all day but she doesn't really eat it now that she is getting wet food three times a day. I give her probiotics and omega 3 once a day in her food. 

Her personality is very different from Teddy's. He is very goofy and always at my side. He literally won't go in to eat his food in the morning unless I go with him. When I do yoga or stretches he loves to be under me and on the mat. If I am working at my desk he lays next to me on the desk. He was just inseparable from me. I really miss that. I really miss his fur and cuddling him. He slept right next to my left arm and Eeva on my right. 

When I look at videos or pictures of when he was sick I see that yes he does look sick. That something was very wrong but it's hard to tell what. Also before it turned really bad with the steroid - I have a video an hour before and he looks almost normal. Can you believe even at his sickest - the day he died - he still used the litter box! I mean what a good boy! What a proud boy! I'll never forget his face riding in the front seat with his neck stretched to look out the window. 

I am so broken. I gave up to early on him. I am so sorry for that. 

My life is turned upside down. I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years last week (we live separately). I want to move out this apartment because everything reminds me of Teddy. I haven't been able to find a job beyond waiting tables even though I have a good education. I get a lot 3 or 4 interview sessions and then not hear back. I just feel pretty lost. Thankfully I have a great family that loves me. 

Aw Teddy, where ever you are I hope you know I love you more than anything. That I am so sorry I betrayed you in the end. I was doing my best what I thought was right and I'm sorry if it was wrong. I mourn you every day. I think of you non-stop. I am grateful you came to me and that I got to be your mom. I cherish those memories. 

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EevaTeddy

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Reply with quote  #21 
UPDATE 7 ----

Man I really miss him today. It's pretty painful just the longing to have him back. 

I looked at his pictures from the day I took him to be put down and he looks so good. Alert. Aware. His eyes don't look distant as much.

I listened to the doctor. I put him down. I knew that maybe it was time. But I think he being so young could have survived. Is the procedure to remove fluids from the lungs painful? Would that have been hurtful to him? I don't know.

Still so many questions. 

The guilt is so awful. I read articles all the time on how to cope with the guilt. They say we are in charge of how much we punish ourselves. I understand what they are saying but I still have questions. 

I mean I just miss him so much. Eeva does too. She doesn't look for him anymore. Which in a way breaks my heart. She gets so bored at night. I play with her three times a day for as long as I can but I know I am a weak substitute for Teddy.

Because this all happened so fast it's really disorienting sometimes. Like, wait, he's gone. Like forever gone. Huh? I still can't wrap my mind around it. I don't even know how I feel about euthanasia. I'm not sure if it's morally right. 

I am gonna try to go to a grief counselor once I have money to do so. I need to move. It's hard to live without Teddy. I talk to him. I tell him I love him. That I'm sorry and I can't believe this happened. 

Reading again the reports I see he may have had pancreatitis. Which we could have worked with. In just a few days Teddy's color went back to normal. I fed him well. He had gained weight even. 

The steroid is what made this worse. From what I read only an animal with a heart problem can get fluid in his lungs with use of steroids? Is that true? 

Other cats I guess do okay with steroids. I don't know anymore.

My thoughts feel like they travel a maze. Each question leads to another hall which eventually leads to a dead end and then I have to back up and start again.

Sigh. I hate this.

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EevaTeddy

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Reply with quote  #22 
UPDATE 8 ----

I'm having trouble eating lately. I feel sick to my stomach thinking of teddy's last days and final moments. My poor baby what he went through was horrendous. 

I feel so different. I'm having a hard time being happy. It's like a piece of me is gone. Like a hole in my heart. 

His presence at home was so huge. It feels so void even with Eeva here. She may be depressed too but she is so quiet and likes to be on her own. 

I don't know if I can do this anymore. It's just like I want the pain, the memories, the guilt to stop.

I don't want to keep seeing his face in pain, his anguish, him being frightened. I am so broken by this. I try not to give in to the pain and grief. Sometimes I shut the door because I have to work and the world just keeps spinning. I wish the world would stop and let me get through this first. It's cruel to have to make a living and be so sad.

I thought I'd be doing better. But it's almost worse now because its really sinking in. Before it was like an emergency - a devastation - now it's like this is the reality. This happened. This is your life now.

I'm throughly depressed. I am so broke that I can't buy Eeva new toys or a new bed or a cat tree. I can't even get her to the vet to get her blood work done which I am so desperate to do because I'm worried she might have something like her brother. 

When Teddy was sick I cleaned out all my bank accounts and took out a loan and borrowed money from family. I've got nothing left but a big pile of debt and no Teddy. I can't borrow any more money to help my little girl.

I started a gofund for Eeva to get new toys and a vet visit but I am too embarrassed to share it in my social circle. Not only for the judgement of grieving so hard for him but for the fact that I am so broke. Most people don't know my financial situation. I feel so embarrassed I am trying to get the courage to share it around in my email groups and facebook. I remind myself Eeva needs positive change - she needs something to brighten her world.

I'm so changed by this. It's getting harder. I miss him so much.

https://www.gofundme.com/help-kitten-eeva



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Rookiesmama

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Reply with quote  #23 
EevaTeddy, you wrote: "Do you ever feel guilty for mourning? Like I know I am blessed and I am so thankful for all the gifts in my life. Sometimes I feel bad to mourn so hardly the passing of my beloved Teddy because others may have it worse or maybe they lost a lot more or something more tragic or traumatic in this world. I'm struggling because I know pain is pain. But I randomly feel bad like although this was awful and traumatic and I lost my baby boy but other people all over this world lose a lot more. I don't know. Maybe it's just my psyche trying to make me feel even worse." I just wanted to tell you I TOTALLY get this feeling. Logically, I know there are so many things in life to be happy for, but nothing is the same right now. I've really been staying away from social media lately, but I did sneak a quick look the other day, and this was one of the first things I saw.....

Attached Images
jpeg Screenshot_20180729-080426_Instagram.jpg (515.58 KB, 1 views)

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MAlcindor

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Reply with quote  #24 
EavaTeddy, I sincerely hope the guilt you are feeling lifts, you did what you thought was right for your baby at the moment. No one can blame you for that. All of us on this forum think back to something we could have done differently and all of us I'm sure could beat ourselves up for some type of guilt. I beat myself up all the time because of things that I now think I could have done to prevent the passing of both my babies. I wish we had a time machine so I could go back and correct what I now feel were wrongs that could have led to both deaths. But there is no time machine and I know I could not have loved and cared for my babies any more than I did and still do. I know you did the same. You loved him and cared for him so much, and he knows that. Please be gentle with yourself, you have nothing that needs to be forgiven. 

Rookiesmama, in the course of my grieving I've thought many that other people have it so much worse than me, but that doesn't make my grieving less painful. I refuse to feel guilty about it, my babies meant the world to me and I feel they deserve every tear I shed. I may be wrong and I don't know if anyone else feels the same way I do but my babies were important enough and their absence is greatly affecting my life. And although there are many things to be grateful for and I do thank God every single day for them, the pang of my grief is so ever present. The saying you posted is 100% correct, we have a right to be sad until one day we are not so sad any more.

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EevaTeddy

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Reply with quote  #25 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rookiesmama
EevaTeddy, you wrote: "Do you ever feel guilty for mourning? Like I know I am blessed and I am so thankful for all the gifts in my life. Sometimes I feel bad to mourn so hardly the passing of my beloved Teddy because others may have it worse or maybe they lost a lot more or something more tragic or traumatic in this world. I'm struggling because I know pain is pain. But I randomly feel bad like although this was awful and traumatic and I lost my baby boy but other people all over this world lose a lot more. I don't know. Maybe it's just my psyche trying to make me feel even worse." I just wanted to tell you I TOTALLY get this feeling. Logically, I know there are so many things in life to be happy for, but nothing is the same right now. I've really been staying away from social media lately, but I did sneak a quick look the other day, and this was one of the first things I saw.....


Thank you. I believe that's true. Maybe I am seeing myself through other people's eyes when I feel guilty for grieving so hard. Besides this forum I feel like no one really understands. 

I am pretty sure Teddy was my "heart cat" - we just had such a deep connection. Six years was not enough.

I am so sorry about your loss of Rookie. I read your story and about him. What cute guy you can tell he had a lot of personality! 

I wish I could take away all the pain for all us. Maybe even reverse time. I wish I had one more healthy day with Teddy. 

Sending you love and healing. 

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EevaTeddy

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Reply with quote  #26 
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Originally Posted by MAlcindor
EavaTeddy, I sincerely hope the guilt you are feeling lifts, you did what you thought was right for your baby at the moment. No one can blame you for that. All of us on this forum think back to something we could have done differently and all of us I'm sure could beat ourselves up for some type of guilt. I beat myself up all the time because of things that I now think I could have done to prevent the passing of both my babies. I wish we had a time machine so I could go back and correct what I now feel were wrongs that could have led to both deaths. But there is no time machine and I know I could not have loved and cared for my babies any more than I did and still do. I know you did the same. You loved him and cared for him so much, and he knows that. Please be gentle with yourself, you have nothing that needs to be forgiven. 

Rookiesmama, in the course of my grieving I've thought many that other people have it so much worse than me, but that doesn't make my grieving less painful. I refuse to feel guilty about it, my babies meant the world to me and I feel they deserve every tear I shed. I may be wrong and I don't know if anyone else feels the same way I do but my babies were important enough and their absence is greatly affecting my life. And although there are many things to be grateful for and I do thank God every single day for them, the pang of my grief is so ever present. The saying you posted is 100% correct, we have a right to be sad until one day we are not so sad any more.


Thank you Marlen. So well said! It's true they were our babies. The provided unconditional love and comfort. The enriched our lives. 

It's such a lifestyle adjustment not having them. I pray for all of us to have healing. 

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EevaTeddy

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Reply with quote  #27 
I found this article helpful and really understanding.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/animal-attachment/201702/tragic-sudden-unexpected-grieving-traumatic-pet-loss

And this one as well:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/animal-attachment/201702/9-myths-about-pet-loss-and-what-the-truth-really-is

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ourwonderfulkitty

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Reply with quote  #28 
Eeva,

Am offering my condolences to you.
You wrote:
I get angry when I see other happy people with their pets. I get angry when I hear someone talk about how their elderly animal passed away when I would have wished to have had just another year with him let alone another ten.

Yes, I think its often unfair that sometimes more value is given to an animal (or person) who has lived a long time.
When have shared with people about my loss, they often ask how old was she, and I suppose its just the way
society is, but then the responses  to that question at times seem to be that more sympathy is given if they were older
(and that they were with us longer)

So now I just sidestep that question and say I don't know how old they were, but mostly i am trying to get away from
being bothered by those kind of things, and focus on both going thru the grieving and also remembering the good times;
none of these is easy but, as others have mentioned on this wonderful forum, that one can just let those processes
happen and not worry about timeframes or stages.

My heart goes out to you.
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EevaTeddy

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Reply with quote  #29 
UPDATE 9 ----

I did laundry today for the first time since Teddy died (June 18, 2018). It's been over a month and I couldn't get myself to wash my bedding because those were the sheets Teddy slept in with me. I cried while I took them off. 

I need to clean my house. Sweep and wash the floors. But I don't want to lose all of Teddy's little fur floating around. It can't be made anymore and it feels precious when I find some. 

It's strange only having one cat to look after. A month or two ago I made them their own cat nip sock toys. I found them under the bed and it reminded me of the little family we had. 

I just can't believe I will not hold him again. 

The part I can't get over is when they brought him into the exam room with after he was receiving oxygen in the back. I was meant to say goodbye and they would sedate him after. 

He was so scared and tried to get off the exam table. It was only for less than a minute before the doctor came in and grabbed him to sedate him. She said she would be right back. 

I regret not taking him off the table and holding him on the floor for awhile. Just so he could calm down before they sedated him. When she took him to sedate him - I thought I'd get to say goodbye but she killed him in the back before I could. She said he wouldn't calm down but they were only gone like a minute or two. I'm sure the sedation takes some time to settle in. 

I'm so broken. I don't know if I can do this. I just want to go back and hold him in that room and take control. I want to go back six months from now and get him healthy. I want to go back and get educated. 

He didn't die from cancer - he died because I thought the fluid in his lungs was unrepairable. I didn't know that it could be worked with. 

I know I have many reasons in life to go on. But I just want to lay down and be with him. Hold him. Go back to him. When I sleep I try to connect with him.

I can't function in the world. Everyone so happy and living so carelessly. They don't know that the most precious little boy is gone. 

I'm still in shock. I made the wrong decision to euthanize him. I made the wrong decision. He was still so strong and hadn't lost any weight. His liver was healing. He was no longer jaundiced. He was repairing. The fluid in his lungs was repairable.

I'm so sorry Teddy bear. I love you with all my heart. 

Teddy on bed his eyes.jpg 


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MAlcindor

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Reply with quote  #30 
Oh EavaTeddy I am so sorry that you are hurting so badly. Your Teddy bear is the sweetest looking kitty, so handsome. I am so sorry that you feel so much guilt and there is nothing you can do about it. Maybe you were given bad information, maybe the vet was irresponsible, I don't know, but none of this was your fault, please acknowledge that. Please don't forget your other kitty needs you now. In the month after Max died and before Bailey's death I was depressed about Max's passing, understandably so, but now I have regrets about not having given Bailey 100% of me. I had no idea how much worse it could be for me, and now it is. I lost both. Guilt is a terrible burden and it can consume us, but please know that you did what you thought was right for your Teddy at the moment. I'm sending prayers of healing for you Eava.
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https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MAX42339/Resident.htm
https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/BAILE490/Resident.htm

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