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EevaTeddy

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my little big boy Teddy is a long hair ginger cat 6 years old.

Him and his sister, Eeva, arrived on my door at 5 weeks old in a cardboard box. They were tiny little gifts that I was completely not expecting.

They instantly became my best friends and my family. I grew to love them so strong and intense it felt like they were my children. We were a trio. I imagined so many of life's adventures with them. 

June 8th 2018 I noticed my little big pumpkin boy was not acting himself. A little less interested in food and playing. He started hiding in the closet over the weekend and besides eating a treat and drinking water he wasn't consuming much. He was still engaging and cuddly and slept with me in the bed. 

June 11th 2018 I took him for an exam. I figured he being 6 probably had a stomach bug or maybe a lodged hair ball? I wasn't sure. I thought he was looking a little different in color.

Upon arrival the doctor was immediately alarmed because he was jaundiced. She thought he might be having liver failure or cancer. They took blood and gave him fluids and anti nausea and appetite stimulant. I was to start syringe feeding him. 

I took him home to wait for blood work results. I syringe fed him - which I'm not sure I did all that great. I really tried to be gentle and soothing. I praised him after each time. But he definitely gagged and looked at me like "why are you doing this?" He was a bit weak so it wasn't much of a physical struggle. This was so hard and broke my heart.

This continued for over a day and a half. Blood work came back saying he most likely had stage V lymphoma (i still cant find out what that means) and the prognosis was poor. They asked me to bring him back and at that point suggested euthanasia. Obviously I was devastated and wanted to find out what the other options were. They did a radiograph and saw no tumors. Although his liver was enlarged. The liver enzymes were elevated but not as much as they thought. (I will share the pathology report at the end). 

They said I had three options. Euthanasia now, steroid and antibiotic, or to see an emergency oncologist. I decided to start the steroid and to get him stronger to see the oncologist - as I had heard a weak cat getting treatment isn't a good idea. At this point I should have just taken him to the emergency oncologist because the view that I should wait and make him stronger was just something I read on the internet through sleepless research nights. 

The steroid worked for two days. But it was weird. He was wired until it wore off and then he would crash. I worried that it was too strong. He also made his eyes dilated huge and made him unable to sleep. 

Looking back I would have never given him the steroid. He was doing okay being syringe fed and having some normal behavior. The vet did not explain the side effects of the steroid nor did they really mention it might make things worse. Stupidly I didn't do enough research before starting it. 

By day three on it he was having trouble breathing. Rapid breaths and couldn't get comfortable. I read that this is a side effect of the steroid. It was terrible watching him like that. I should have rushed him to the ER but I was unable to get a ride from anyone and he couldn't get in his carrier. I thought that night he would die in my bathtub so I slept next to him on the floor. I prayed and cried and wrestled with what the hell to do. I had never ever dealt with anything like this. I was worried I couldn't afford his treatment.

The next day was Sunday, June 17th Father's Day. I called around to at home euthanasia (after borrowing money from a relative) and no one got back to me. I felt at this time he was struggling and I didn't know what else to do. I still had this selfish hope he would pull through. He was such a strong boy. He really fought. The steroid made him stay up all night and by monday morning I just had to take him into the ER at my vets. 

Sunday night we stayed up together all night. Him struggling to breathe on the floor. Moving from space to space to get comfortable. I praying and crying and trying to comfort him. At this point he was still using the litter box. He was still somewhat aware of his sister Eeva and interested in what was happening. 

What a good little boy. He never ever wet himself or pooped anywhere outside the litter box even when he could barely walk or move. 

Monday morning none of the at home euthanasia could come until around 1pm. I felt at that time he was suffering and couldn't wait. I decided to wrap him in a sheet and a friend drove us to the vets. 

Walking to the car I stopped outside and let him smell the trees and I put him down in the grass and sunshine for a few minutes. He was was indoor cat in a big city so he didn't ever get outside except for when he was a kitten at my parents country house. 

In the car he looked outside the window. His head and neck stretched to see outside. He had never really seen the world before but now he was out of his carrier and could see everything. He meow'd a lot and I could see his reflection in the side mirror. His eyes were huge and curious. He was completely cognitively aware and curious. 

Still in the sheet I carried him into the vet. Immediately he got scared and began crying. It was like he knew. Poor baby. They took him from me and started giving oxygen in the back. I could hear him freaking out and crying. I started regretting not waiting for the at home euthanasia. 

The doctor came in and told me that she suggested euthanasia immediately. Or if I was really wanting to I could do radiographs and they could try to remove the fluid in his lungs. I told her I thought he had a bad reaction to the steroid but she didn't seem to buy it. Since then I have found several forums where they have had the same experience. Maybe he did have heart problems but after all the tests no one heard anything wrong with his heart and they confirmed that. 

I can barely write about what happened next. I felt it was right to end his suffering. They brought him back in and he was freaking out. Trying to jump off the exam table he was terrified. For one second he paused when I encapsulated him in my arms and put my upper body over him. The doctor came in immediately and said she wanted to sedate him in the back because he was so upset and fighting to get away. She grabbed him from me and at this point I was a mess and almost falling to the ground. Seeing my poor little sweet baby who never ever hurt a fly (seriously) being so upset and scared. 

She came back a few minutes later and told me she had euthanized him in the back. I was shocked. She said he was struggling too much. I don't remember anything at that moment because I fell to the ground. My knees buckled. I know I kept asking if he was really gone. 

It's been a month now. And I still am haunted by his last moments. My little baby being restrained and killed. Me not being with him. I regret more than anything going back to that vet who I didn't really have a good experience with but was the only with an opening. 

I sat with his body for a long time. He looked so healthy and normal. He was beautiful and so handsome. I kissed him and hugged his body. I wept over him unitl I couldn't stand seeing his body change in death. When I exited the room I looked at him as I closed the door. Weak in my knees the last thing I saw was his beautiful creamsicle fluffy tail peaking out from a towel. They handed me back the white sheet in the lobby. I didn't want to leave his body there. Leaving him behind at that office broke me. They told me they were going to freeze his body until the cremator came. 

It hurt knowing that my boy would be in a cold freezer. Alone and in the dark. 

The drive home holding the white sheet was numb. It was oddly quiet. Surreal even.

At home Eeva was waiting in the window and when I came in she immediately started searching the home for him. I forgot to let her say goodbye before we left that morning. I stupidly didn't even give her the chance. I was just thinking of helping him.

Since then, every single day she has freak out moments of looking for him. She howls at the top of her lungs and digs through blankets and under the bed and closet. I have to try to pet her and distract her when she gets like this. 

She seems to be a bit depressed too. I am working on saving to buy her new toys and a new window tower. Finances have been tight since all the money I had went to the vet for Teddy.

I still do not even know if he had lymphoma. I believe he did have health issues that I wasn't aware of. He did seem to have a bit of an enlarged belly but he never had any symptoms until one random day of disinterest. They saw no tumors and his blood work shows conflicting indicators.

Obviously I am broken by this. I grieve for his super early death and I wonder how I could have missed his failing health. I wish I would have taken him in for a check up sooner.

I feel guilt about letting him suffer a night or two struggling to breathe while I figured out what to do. I feel guilt about taking him to a terrible traumatizing death and not at home. I feel guilt about traveling earlier in the year and being away from him and her.

Now I am trying to figure out how to live. The world acts like nothing happened. When I know this precious little sweet heart has left. 

The grief and sadness comes in like crashing waves. One minute I am okay and the next I am floored.

I get angry when I see other happy people with their pets. I get angry when I hear someone talk about how their elderly animal passed away when I would have wished to have had just another year with him let alone another ten. 

I feel the pressure from my family when I start to have breakdowns or want to talk about him. Or when I try and research what the hell happened. I know they love me but they want me back to normal and I feel they think I am taking this too hard. I am starting to hide more of my grief from them.

Reading the forums has helped immensely. 

I will love him for the rest of my life. Right now I cannot fathom his sudden loss or my life ahead.

His pathology report is attached. I'm confused by the conflicting data.

I have a friend of a friend who is a vet far away who I asked to look over his blood work when they had time. I am wondering if this shows he got into something instead of having lymphoma. 

He was negative for fiv/felv.
His eosonphils were low which contradicts lymphoma diagnosis. 
His white blood count and red blood count both normal.
His lymphocytes count was normal (although pathologist said some were atypical) but a normal count isn't indicative of lymphoma.
His monocytes were high which may indicate an infection.
Total bilirubin is high but may be from not eating for a few days which bilirubin means jaundice.

It's so confusing.

What I've learned:

Get a second opinion. Get a second blood work run after having eaten food. Get at home euthanasia if possible as a humane way to help end suffering. Join a forum early on to get help. Be more assertive and have a friend come be your advocate in the room with the vet. 

Thank you for reading and any response would be appreciated. 

Screen Shot 2018-07-17 at 4.51.42 PM.png  Screen Shot 2018-07-17 at 4.51.48 PM.png  Screen Shot 2018-07-17 at 4.51.54 PM.png 
Digital images from a blood smear are reviewed. Erythrocyte density iswithin normal limits and slight polychromasia requires considerationfor tissue hypoxia or compensation from previous blood loss orhemolysis. There is a mild monocytosis, which may occur with normalpatient variability, inflammation, an epinephrine response or aglucocorticoid reaction. The latter two are considered unlikely in theabsence of a lymphocytosis or lymphopenia, respectively. The lymphoidpopulation is comprised primarily of large and less frequentlyintermediate, granular lymphocytes that rarely have a faint nucleolus.These cells are highly suggestive of a neoplastic population with astage V lymphoma considered as the primary differential diagnosis. Asubacute acute lymphocytic leukemia (acute leukemia in the bone marrowwithout a peripheral lymphocytosis) is less likely.

Atypical reactivegranular lymphocytes are considered unlikely, but cannot bedefinitively ruled out. While platelets are mildly decreased withinthe monolayer, moderate to marked clumping is present at the featherededge and the platelet density is likely adequate. Polychromasia warrants a reticulocyte count and evaluation forhypoxemia and a site of blood loss should be pursued, as warranted bya reticulocyte count. Lymphocytes need to be correlated with physicalexam findings and medical history, including the FeLV/FIV status, theCBC monitored for their persistence and additional diagnostic testingpursued as warranted. It is recommended that the patient be evaluatedfor lymphadenopathy, hepatosplenomegaly and abnormalities within thegastrointestinal tract that would suggest underlying lymphoma.Aspiration and cytologic evaluation of identified abnormalities wouldbe warranted. Flow cytometry may also be performed or characterizationof these lymphocytes and immunophenotyping can often distinguishbetween a neoplastic and reactive lymphoid population, based on theproportiosn of lymphocyte subsets. A second blood sample may beevaluated to confirm an adequate platelet density in the presence ofless prominent clumping.PATHOLOGIST: Tricia Bisby, DVM, MS, DACVPtricia.bisby@antechmail.com 630-686-9545Veterinary Professionals: Please contact me directly at the phonenumber or email above if this interpretation is inconsistent with yourclinical impression or requires further clarification. 

Screen Shot 2018-07-17 at 4.55.22 PM.png  Screen Shot 2018-07-17 at 4.55.46 PM.png  Screen Shot 2018-07-17 at 4.56.02 PM.png  Screen Shot 2018-07-17 at 4.56.11 PM.png 




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i see you in my dream my sweet little boy
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Jmtcn

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Reply with quote  #2 
Omg I’m speechless. What a horrific experience you went through. I don’t even know what to say except that you have my sincere sympathy. What a horrible vet! Really, go slow and take one day at a time. The pictures are priceless by the way. My heart breaks for you....😞
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Ginger4256

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Reply with quote  #3 
I am speechless as well. It's hard enough having a sick baby without having to go through that torture. You will find that this forum is very helpful just being with all of us who understand your loss.
Please take care of yourself and keep writing. There are no better people than the ones here to help you through your grief
Sending you hugs and hope ❤️️

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Sarabellum

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Reply with quote  #4 
I sat here in tears reading this. I am so very sorry for the pain you're enduring. I lost my almost 13-year-old ginger cat BB yesterday. He looked a lot like your Teddy. I am overwhelmed and devastated, too. I hope you will get help if this becomes too much for you. Eeva still needs you just as my little Zoe needs me now that her brother is gone. Cuddle and kiss her, keep her close. He was lucky to have a mom that loved him as much as you did. And he knew it. Be gentle with yourself. You were doing the best you knew how to do. ❤️
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lucysdad

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I'm so sorry about your experience. I'm in deep grieving myself at the time, and my heart sincerely breaks for you. 

I'm not wanting or trying to add any insult to injury. I'm thinking maybe there was a misdiagnosis? You've done your research, knowing and gathering as much info. as you can.

My precious baby suffered as well some days. She just was not herself at all, and when I reflect back, it's heartbreaking to me. I share and understand your grieving.

Lucy's dad. 


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EevaTeddy

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarabellum
I sat here in tears reading this. I am so very sorry for the pain you're enduring. I lost my almost 13-year-old ginger cat BB yesterday. He looked a lot like your Teddy. I am overwhelmed and devastated, too. I hope you will get help if this becomes too much for you. Eeva still needs you just as my little Zoe needs me now that her brother is gone. Cuddle and kiss her, keep her close. He was lucky to have a mom that loved him as much as you did. And he knew it. Be gentle with yourself. You were doing the best you knew how to do. ❤️


Thank you so much. I've never known such grief like this. This has rocked me to my core. I was expecting him to live at least another 6-10 years. Not knowing what was really causing him to be sick is so frustrating. I know at some point I have to let it go. 

I am so sorry you lost your BB. I bet he was a sweetheart and lucky as well to have your love. 

I try to remind myself that he had a good life. He was loved and cared for and not abandoned at some shelter or an alley cat. 

More than anything I know we all miss our routines with them. Feeding them. Talking to them. Cuddling them. Sleeping with them. They are our best friends.

I'm trying to fight those terrible last moments with positive images of him but it's hard. I mourn for his pain and how frightened he was. 

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EevaTeddy

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Quote:
Originally Posted by lucysdad
I'm so sorry about your experience. I'm in deep grieving myself at the time, and my heart sincerely breaks for you. 

I'm not wanting or trying to add any insult to injury. I'm thinking maybe there was a misdiagnosis? You've done your research, knowing and gathering as much info. as you can.

My precious baby suffered as well some days. She just was not herself at all, and when I reflect back, it's heartbreaking to me. I share and understand your grieving.

Lucy's dad. 



Thank you for your kind words. I, too, grieve with you.

There very well could have been a misdiagnoses. I do definitely believe something with his health was going wrong but the bloodwork does not represent lymphoma. The levels would have been different according to my understanding. Also there were no tumors seen in his radiographs. 

I don't know why his liver was enlarged. I am trying to look into possible causes. 

I do know without a doubt he maybe could have survived a bit longer if he didn't get on the steroid. It was too hard on his system and made whatever he had worse. 

After all is said and done - he was sick, he maybe could have lived longer but unfortunately he had a bad reaction and even worse his death was traumatic and not peaceful in any way.

My poor baby boy. Such a sweet heart.

I am so sorry for your loss as well. How lucky we were to have time with such precious beings. 

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Sil

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Eeva Teddy,

I am very sorry for your loss of Teddy.  For the pain his absence is causing you.  You saved both of these precious fur babies, you gave them love, shelter and yes they are your children.  And, unlike human children, these precious fur babies stay with us, depending on us for all of their needs - a four-year-child could get cereal and pour milk over it.  A fur baby is not capable of pouring his/her dry food opening a can of food.  These precious fur babies only leave us, when is time to say good bye.  Some of them stay longer, than others.....but, it is never "long enough". 

They are your gift, and you are their gift. I know you are grieving, along with Eeva  - and Eeva needs you more than ever.  In fact, you "both need one another".  So, grieve together, comfort one another.  In this forum you would find a great community.  People with so much compassion and empathy, who will never pressure you nor judge you.
Prayers and hugs.
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EevaTeddy

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UPDATE ---

Eeva hasn't done the usual routine of howling and looking for him. Which is great in my book. She is really cuddly right now. I took a long nap with her this afternoon. 

She seems a bit bored without Teddy. Also I'm pretty sure she kinda doesn't trust me the way she used to before Teddy got sick.

She watched me syringe feed him (which made her freak out) and then he disappeared with me one day and yet to return from her point of view.

I know eventually down the line since she is just 6 - I will probably want to get another cat companion and new furr baby. I don't know when. Or what's best age wise.

Also I have to take her in soon to get her blood work looked at. She got a physical a week or two ago after Teddy died but they want to check her blood work. I hope it comes back good. She looks good to me.

Looking back I realize Teddy must have been slowly getting sick this year. His belly got a bit bigger. And his eyes had crustys a lot but not always. Could have been a sign? 

I miss him so much. I wish there was someone or something I could bargain with to get him back. To ask for a re-do. 

Sigh. 

Thanks for all the love and support.


Also I forgot I made a youtube channel when I first got them. If you want to see them as kittens type Teddy and Eeva into youtube.

<3

Screen Shot 2018-07-17 at 4.56.20 PM.png 


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EevaTeddy

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UPDATE #2 ----

The other Vet that is a friend of a friend looked at Teddy's blood work and got back to me.

Her email was incredibly kind and thoughtful. Looking at Teddy's levels she does not believe he had toxicity issues from getting into something (as I had believed).

Her belief is that more than likely Teddy had lymphoma and maybe a slight chance that he had an infection of some kind as an alternate diagnosis. But her overall belief is that lymphoma was the cause of Teddy's sickness. If he had toxicity or liver disease his liver and kidney levels would be much different. 

She does agree with me that the steroid Prednisilone caused a bad reaction in Teddy. That may have been because he had heart issues that although were examined not discovered. 

I am thankful for her response. Obviously really kind of her to take the time to review it and write an email.

Again it makes me wish I would have never given him the steroid. Maybe he could have lived another month or two. Maybe I could have gotten him treatment from an oncologist. I only decided to end his suffering when he had respiratory problems and was crying out. 

The steroid really turned a dire situation into a clusterf'ck (sorry for my language) of a situation that required immediate decision. 

The day after Teddy passed I received these amazing Total Immune Cancer Protocol from Vitality Science that I had ordered immediately when I heard he may have lymphoma a few days prior. It has amazing stories of cats healing and living for years after poor prognosis due to cancer. 

If the steroid wouldn't have given him such a hard time I could have started him on those just as an attempt. Since he had no masses or tumors and maybe it was the start of an aggressive cancer - maybe it would have given him extra time and made him feel better.

At this point - I know that I just need to let it go. I want to. But my heart breaks at what could have been instead of the messed up terrible situation he went through. He was young and strong and definitely trying his hardest to survive. He exhibited normal behavior like interest in food, getting stronger, using the litter box, being cuddly. The steroid was a strong decline on his health. Grrrr. Makes me so angry. Why don't people talk about this? How are pet owners supposed to know this? 

I am in search of a book that is about veterinary care for felines. One that has a balance of eastern/western. After watching this one woman's youtube channel (stacyvlogs) - she is a rescue momma - I learned that the more educated you are the more you can be proactive for your animals. She goes into the vet's office asking for certain tests, speaking the same language. We all should be armed this way. 

Obviously vets are on the animals side and care so much. But we know the our animals and the situation so much more. We witness so many little intricacies that they don't. We should compliment their medical knowledge with our knowledge of the pet and behavior.

I am trying to have more positive experiences in the space where Teddy, Eeva and I live/d for many years. Last night after a small breakdown in heart ache I decided to put on music and dance and laugh. Eeva really enjoyed this as I was playing with a ribbon at the same time. 

I wish I could have my Teddy back. I wish I would have been smarter and looked into the right things. I don't know where he is now. My sweet baby.



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EevaTeddy

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UPDATE 3 ----

This morning Eeva heard me drop a blanket from the bed and she immediately perked up and started looking hard to see if it was Teddy under there. She sat really still with this sad alert look. She was smelling the air. 

It really broke my heart to see her like this. I would give anything for them to have a reunion. To be able to bring Teddy through that door and have them meet again.

We really miss him. I don't know how to do this anymore. Life is so fragile and permanent when it's gone. 

Everyone says I did the right thing by euthanizing him. But I feel guilt about it. I feel like how did we even get in this situation? I should have gotten him into a check up earlier in the year. 

He suffered because I wasn't paying attention. I hope he forgives me. 

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MAlcindor

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The what if's are killing me too. For my Max, what if I had taken him to the vet before he got sick? What if I had paid more attention, maybe I would have seen he wasn't feeling well. With Bailey, what if I had looked out my blinds first? What if I decided not to walk him right then? It's so painful to think of all the what if's. Bottom line is that we all wish we could go back in time, and that's what hurts the most, we cannot.

There is nothing that needs to be forgiven. We can only do our best when caring for our babies and they know we do our best. We love them and if we could go back in time and do things differently we would. 

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          Marlen
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https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MAX42339/Resident.htm
https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/BAILE490/Resident.htm

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EevaTeddy

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UPDATE 4 ----

Last night and this morning were rough. I keep thinking about how that stupid steroid really made everything so much worse. 

I found this article and it's so many stories that other pet owners experienced with steroids.

https://www.cat-lovers-only.com/can-a-heart-problem-in-my-cat-be-made-worse-by-giving-steroids.html

The feeding was going well. The supplements were working. And the steroid just destroyed his breathing. It kept him wide awake so he couldn't rest. I am just so angry. Now I wish I would have taken him off of them immediately at the first sign but I didn't know anything about it. I should have taken him to the ER immediately. 

I just miss him and feel like he had a chance to live a little longer and it was taken from us. I feel robbed. 

There literally nothing I can do to get him back and it hurts. I feel I've failed him. He was trying so hard to stay alive. Putting up with all the treatments and feedings. 

I wanted to start him on this: https://vitalityscience.com/product/advanced-immune-restoration/

I wanted to go holistic for him because the reg vet gave me no real options. 

My poor baby boy. So sweet and tender hearted please forgive me.

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EevaTeddy

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Quote:
Originally Posted by MAlcindor
The what if's are killing me too. For my Max, what if I had taken him to the vet before he got sick? What if I had paid more attention, maybe I would have seen he wasn't feeling well. With Bailey, what if I had looked out my blinds first? What if I decided not to walk him right then? It's so painful to think of all the what if's. Bottom line is that we all wish we could go back in time, and that's what hurts the most, we cannot.

There is nothing that needs to be forgiven. We can only do our best when caring for our babies and they know we do our best. We love them and if we could go back in time and do things differently we would. 


I am so sorry for your loss - my heart breaks after reading about Max and Bailey. How do we get through this? I feel so robbed. I am still angry. 

Every morning I wake up and I realize he isn't here. The memories of the last moments. Of him struggling to get away from the vet before she took him back to put him down. He was strong. He was fighting. He was aware. 

No one understands in my life. They love and care but this deep pain is felt alone. They want me to move on and to remember the good times. To trust what the doctors said. I can't. I'm so angry and so desperately sad. 

I am thinking of you and your beloveds. I am so sorry that this has happened. 

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MAlcindor

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Reply with quote  #15 
EavaTeddy, what you went through with your Teddy was a nightmare. I have so many regrets about my Max also. I should have taken him to a different ER the first day he showed any sign of an ailment. Oh God how I wish we could turn back time. Death is so final that I cannot wrap my mind around it.

Friends and family say they understand but they really don't. My son understands because he knows I loved my boys like I love him, as the children they were to me. Max and Bailey were a very important part of my life and I feel lost without them. I feel my world has lost it's color. 

Unfortunately our pain is ours and ours alone to feel. It is unbearable at times. Just yesterday as Max's urn was delivered to me I got the call from ER vet that Bailey's ashes were ready for me to pick up. I lost it. It is just too much for me to handle. I am so tired of the pain and anguish but just don't know what to do. 



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          Marlen
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https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MAX42339/Resident.htm
https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/BAILE490/Resident.htm

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