Radarsmom
Radar's been gone 7 weeks now, and I'm still in shock and grief, trying to make sense of it all and figure out how to go on.  Twice this week people have said to me, "Stop thinking about him!  He's gone now.  Put him behind you and move on."     I can't, and I don't want to.  I know grief lasts as long as it's supposed to, and I'm deeply hurt and offended when people tell me to "hurry up and get over it".  I have to include my husband in this.  He says, "Yea, I'm sad he's gone to, but force yourself to move on already."  What do I say to these people?  How can I make them understand the pain, shock, and grief are still way to strong and fresh?   Advice is needed. 
Connie C
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huskiesmom
Hi Radarsmom,
I am so sorry you are not meeting with the understanding needed in this difficult time. Maybe if you explain to those people that grief is a very personal and individual process for everyone. There is no "right" way or set amount of time after which you should be able to move on. Maybe these people are not intending to hurt you, but are concerned about the process of grief becoming unhealthy or taking over your life. But you are the only one who can decide that. 7 weeks really isn't that long ago, and there are so many layers to the grieving process that I'm sure there are going to be different feelings coming up that you have to deal with at each point.
I lost my dog Lucky at the end of September, exactly 3 months ago today, and I am still struggling. Some days are better, some days are worse, and it seems that the holidays can be especially hard when reminders of being with friends and family are all around and all we can think about is that missing piece where our loved one used to be. Take comfort in the fact that there are others who are feeling this intense grief as well, and focus on taking care of yourself. Please know that this forum is here and people are willing and ready to listen and talk to you <3 <3
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Rosanne777
Best we share our grief with
only other pet lovers like the
people on this forum whom
understand our sadness 
and loss.
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gizmomybaby
Radarsmum sorry for your loss & 7 weeks is still early days , iam at nearly 5 month and am only slowly feeling a bit better , I still have my days I cry uncontrollable. Plz dont let anyone tell you to get over it , you are grieving your baby and it take us all different times . I'm lucky I had support with family & friends that knew how much my boy gizmo ment to me , he was my everything, I felt a thousand knifes Pearce my hart with the pain. Its sad people cant understand that because they dont feel that way youv to be the same as them , your pain is real stay on here with people that understand. This forum is the best thing that happened to me when I lost my son . Alough my friends and family understand my pain they didnt know what to say to me but coming on here people know what exactly your feeling like and understand a million percent. Only up to last week did I stop crying every day and I felt people where thinking god why is she still like this but no one would say it and it could have been only in my mind . Not all people have the bond of an animal lover like ourselves x plz take care and let it out on here sending hugs your way x Annemarie x
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mweymark
The lose we feel and the pain and the completely debilitating grief is the same grief and pain any person could feel when they lose someone they love.  It angers me when people tell anyone to "get over it".  they wouldn't say anything like that if you had lost your human child or loved one so why is it ok to tell you to get over the loss of your Radar.  I lost my baby bear 11 days ago and if anyone tells me to "get over it" I am going to move very quickly from shock to anger in the grieving process.

Take your time.  Mourn in your time and nobody else's.
Mel
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William
So sorry for your loss. There are all kinds of people in this world with different thoughts on grief and how long the state of grief should last.
Whether it's a human or an animal we all grieve differently and no one has the right to tell us how to mourn. I'm sorry one of these people happens to be your husband.
I've had to make some not so nice comments to people who have said these things. I've also had to separate from them for awhile because there is no help in their thoughts. If they can't support you why bother listening to them.
I've had a lot of human deaths over the last three years. Losing my pet was the hardest loss of all. Not to take anything away from the love I had for the special humans that died. Losing my boy William has upset me in ways only people here can understand. I still cry for him. It's been almost 8 months.
I cry when and where I want. I talk about how much I miss him and all the joy that was taken from my life. The people that decided " I should be done grieving" are those I will be very cautious with through the rest of my life journey. My emotional ties with them have slipped down a few notches since this all happened.

Again I'm sorry for your loss. Grieve as long as you want and do what you need to get through this. When people say something you remind them how much you loved your baby and you just don't wake up one day and " get over it" it's a long painful process.
Kim
Kim
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CK
It takes great courage to feel grief and sadness when we lose a loved one. Don’t let anyone tell you to get over it. My dog Hobo passed away in August and I still miss him and feel sadness greater than I ever thought I would.

I’m so sorry for your loss of your Radar. Take as much time as you need to grieve your fur baby and perhaps come here for support from others who understand what you’re going through xx
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Susie_Squillions
I always tell people, "To you, maybe he was 'just a cat (dog)' but to me he was a member of the family, and I am suffering a great loss. Please be patient with me while I adjust to this new sate of normal." If they really press, I go on to tell them that it's clear they have never found the depth of connection that we, here at RB, have found, and I hope they will one day. 

I've always said that people who haven't discovered the kind of love we have are more to be pitied than resented. They're the ones who are missing out. 
In one of the stars, I shall be living. In one of them, I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night. -- The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery

All tears are healing tears.  They help to wash away our sorrow and allow the first buds of happiness to blossom in our hearts. -- Susie "Squillions"

.T.J.'S RESIDENCY: http://RainbowsBridge.com/residents/TJ006/Resident.htm
.BUDDY GUY AYRES~LYNCH'S RESIDENCY: http://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/Buddy128/resident.HTM
.KING BING THE GOD CAT'S RESIDENCY: http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/BINGO009/Resident.htm
.
A fresh start after 947 posts. March 7th, 2011. I've been coming to this wonderful site since April 6, 2004.
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Radarsmom
Susie,  Thank you!  That's among the most wonderful comments I've heard, and I've used it with my sister today already.  Thank  you for sharing it.  It turns the whole conversation from negative and angry to love . I'm grateful.
Connie C
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Susie_Squillions

You're so welcome! It came to me in one of those, "Come *on*, Susie -- he was a *cat!*" moments. The guy who said it to me was a fan of my husband's band, and he said it at the first show I was able to attend after we lost our little Buddy Guy kitty in 2004. 

It struck me as odd, because he had always called the band voice mail, which I recorded every week, and he would always comment on that week's message. I had to record a new message each week, and I had to get it right in one take. Yeah. That never happened.  Buddy was an extremely talkative little Bengal Cat and he couldn't stand the thought of my talking to no one, so he would chime in with his constant commentary. lol

I usually had to try over and over and over again to get through the list of shows, showtimes, and venue locations without messing up, More often than not, I would end up locking buddy outside the room while I recorded the message. More often than not, i could hear Buddy through the door, and so could anyone who was calling the VM. It was always pretty hilarious, and Ed (the guy who made the comment) would always wait and leave us a message, usually saying hi to Buddy.

Ed and his wife had visited our home a few times, and they had met Buddy and his Uncle T.J., and they loved them, so I thought it was curious that he didn't understand the depth of my sorrow. When I asked him to be patient with me, he softened and apologized for what he had said.

It was then that I understood that people don't mean to be cruel when they say such things. They just don't understand.  

I'm comforted to know that it helped you to see a different way of approaching this painful subject.

  Buddy Purrthday 2.jpg 

In one of the stars, I shall be living. In one of them, I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night. -- The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery

All tears are healing tears.  They help to wash away our sorrow and allow the first buds of happiness to blossom in our hearts. -- Susie "Squillions"

.T.J.'S RESIDENCY: http://RainbowsBridge.com/residents/TJ006/Resident.htm
.BUDDY GUY AYRES~LYNCH'S RESIDENCY: http://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/Buddy128/resident.HTM
.KING BING THE GOD CAT'S RESIDENCY: http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/BINGO009/Resident.htm
.
A fresh start after 947 posts. March 7th, 2011. I've been coming to this wonderful site since April 6, 2004.
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Paulcougar1964
Hi Connie,

I'm so sorry about Radar, and that you have been met with less than loving patience over your loss. I've cried every day for 4 1/2 months over the sudden and violent loss of my Mickey. I'm sure some people that say "get over it" have not experienced such a loss themselves and just don't understand, and some of them are probably just terrified of how they will react when faced with such a loss in the future. And some just might be insensitive jerks. If these people don't show more compassion as you move forward, you now have more info about them that will guide your future interactions with them. Relationships sometimes need to go through fire to either be forged stronger, or to melt and run into the gutter of time. Hopefully you have a friend or loved one who is secure and caring enough to listen to your heartbreak, and who is strong enough to be in the presence of your pain without judging, even without saying a word. After all, there is nothing anyone can say to make us feel any better over these painful losses.

Seven weeks is not nearly enough time for anyone to "get over" a loss like you have experienced. I understand none of us grieve the same, and it's normal for people to still feel meaningful pain six months or more after such a loss. If you still feel inconsolable after six months to a year or more, you may have "complicated grief", and it might help to see a counselor. Try to be gentle and good to yourself, cry whenever the need arises, know that lots of folks here are willing to listen.

Paul
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