David451974
I'm 45 years old but never had to euthanize a pet until last Friday. We found a small hard lump on Tuxie's neck last October and it just grew bigger and bigger until it was half the size of his head. He was down to skin and bones and he was drooling and having a hard time swallowing. He would ask for his treats then couldnt eat them. He hated his medicine. He isolated all the time. Then he started pacing last thursday back and forth and I was convinced he was in severe pain but now I keep second guessing myself. Everybody seemed to be in such a hurry to put him to sleep a month prior. I just wanted to give him as many good days possible that I could. I lost it when his little body went limp at injection time. I keep replaying it over and over im my head. He had tried to jump up into my lap but the Dr was ready for him. It was so very fast I cant conprehend it well. He was trying to stand and just layed down and it was over. He was the sweetest boy you could ever ask for. We had him 14 short years and he was dad's vocal boy. He loved to talk, he adored catnip, he loved sitting in the windows and making noises at the birds. I loved him very much and we spoiled him rotten with attention his last 6 months alive. I just keep feeling terribly bad wrong and guilty for putting him to sleep. It feels like I murdered him. I wish so much I could of been brave enough to cancel his euthanasia for the 3rd time and told the vet staff to go to hell and took him home. Thats what I feel and it may not be logical but our home is so empty without him and his big sweet meows. I keep looking for him in his usual spots. I miss him so very much!! He was dad's tuxie boots and I will always be grateful for the pleasure of having him in my life as long as we did. 
jds
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Bigcatsdad
I'm so very sorry for your loss of Tuxie.
It's so hard to let our little furry loved ones go when we finally make that painful decision to end their suffering but deep down inside we know it's the right thing to do to end and not prolong their suffering even though it hurts so much. Six weeks ago we made that same painful decision to put to sleep my best bud Albert, he was my big black cat and he was 16. He developed an inoperable mass in his abdomen. He was hardly eating and drinking and just wanted to sleep by himself in dark areas of the house. He was loosing weight and in pain and we decided not to prolong it until things got really bad. I was there holding him on my lap through it all at the vets and there long after his heart stopped. It really broke my heart. I can close my eyes and still picture every minute of that day and it brings me such sadness. The vet told us that cats and dogs can develop tumors and they can stay dormant for years and then something triggers them and they grow, sometimes so quickly that in a few weeks it can be terminal. Tumors take all the health and energy out of their body. The first week I was so devastated and a mess. The second week the guilt and regret set in really bad but after speaking with the vet she told us surgery was not an option for the location of the mass in his abdomen and also that frequently older pets would not survive major surgery which brought me a little comfort. The guilt I have now is that I should have brought him home just for another day or two to say a proper goodbye and cook him a few of his favorite meals even though it would have been even harder to take him back to put him to sleep. I feel your pain. Our house is so empty and quiet now too. Albert like to tell you how he felt as well, he's just not there anymore, things are just not ever going to be the same.
I hope after the initial heart break and pain you feel you can take a little comfort in that you were there through it all with Tuxie right to the end and he knows that and he knows you loved him. You also gave him a good life and loving home for 14 years. I was glad I was there with Albert through it all and he didn't pass alone or with strangers even though it's the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life and it's left such a void. Keep the good memories and spirit of Tuxie close to your heart where he left his paw prints.
This forum is very helpful, it sure has been helping me with my grief. There are many people around that just don't understand what a bond we make with our furry ones and the heart break we feel when they have to leave us. There are so many in this forum going through or that have gone through the same sadness and pain and that understand the feeling of loosing one so close.
My deepest sympathies.
Bigcatsdad
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David451974
Thank you so much for your kind words. Albert sounds like he was a wonderful cat and I can tell you loved him very much. Im terribly sorry for your loss of him :-(
jds
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Bigcatsdad
jds,
I didn't realized how much Albert meant to me and how much I loved him until right after he passed, now I'm so heart broken. Try not to feel guilty about having to put Tuxie to sleep. The tumor was stealing the life out of him and robbing him of being able to live normally. You were with him through all of this and you had to watch as his quality of life was degrading. That's very hard to do. It's natural to feel regret and guilt wondering if there was more that could have been done. If you brought him home you would have had to watch him suffer even more. He knew you really loved him and would understand that you chose not to prolong his suffering anymore. I know its so hard and painful to have to let them go. Grieving for them is so hard, it's so emotionally and physically draining. This has been some of the worst sadness I've ever felt in my life and I can imagine you feel the same way too.
Don't be afraid to cry, I've cried buckets of tears and they still keep coming.
I hope over time and tears the pain in your heart can heal a little.
Bigcatsdad
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David451974
I cried like a baby the moment they put Tuxie to sleep. It was an awful experience and I just pray wherever he is he understands and that he feels better. I can only pray to see him again in heaven at some time in the future. I think of Tuxie daily and even call him out loud at home for some reason it makes me feel better. Thank you again for the kind words I really appreciate it
jds
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Bigcatsdad
I say good morning and good night every day to Albert's ashes. Sometimes I hear the odd noise in the house, I say Albert, is that you buddy? I think his spirit drops in once in a while just to see if everything is OK. Tuxie knows you had to let him go and you did that because you really loved him and didn't want him to go on in pain. When your journey of life finally comes to a close one day, Tuxie will be right there for you as his spirit will never leave you.
This forum is really helpful. If you feel ready at some point, don't be afraid to post your thoughts and feelings, so many here understand the pain of what your going through. The grief of this truly hurts right down to your soul. It will slowly begin to get a little better as time passes. The heart will begin to heal but we know it will never be exactly the same.
Bigcatsdad
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maddie67
I lost Lady Hamilton this past Weds. I had her for 20 years .Like you I miss her so much .She was a rescue from Antigua roaming a glof course when she was picked up.
Im sorry for your loss its never easy to go thru this but I spoke to a vet and he told me  as soon the injection to let them sleep is given the second part of  it the IV they dont even know it is happening .If his body went limp it was because he was very relaxed and probably the stress of the pain was gone.
Realize that your cat was so lucky to have you . I once worked at an Animal shelter I cant tell you how many cats were neglected and left to die that came in.It was heart breaking.I hope my words have helped you a little.
cvb
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David451974
Actually this helps a little. Thank you for sharing that. i'm sorry for your loss :-(
jds
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squares
My condolences to everyone in this thread.  As painful as it is to lose a cherished animal friend, at least we have each other to lean on and learn from.  Bless you all and I hope that the grief will ease in time.  And one day we will see our friends again.
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