Zoeylove
Just seems pointless. It was one of my favorite times with you and now I dread it. Last night I barely slept I guess because I was avoiding it. Today I'm supposed to have lunch with an old friend. Do I push myself to cope and show up? It doesn't feel right doing normal things. It feels like I am leaving you behind when I do that. I've never been good at coping. You were my furry shield. People must think I'm a lunatic. They probably already did.
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CKMP
Zoeylove
It is tough to wake up each day without the special one - it is as if the loss is renewed each morning. It is those 'silly non- special, special moments' ( does that make sense?) that make the ache deepen and the tears drop for sure.
Your special one was so loved and cared for - your words convey your devotion to her and her to you.
Hoping the memories will come to bring a smile and a sense of calm to you. Take care
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JerseyNonna
zoeylove, sometimes days and time for us do seem pointless after we lose a dearly loved companion and friend.  there is a new routine we must deal with and it begins when we wake and are forced to acknowledge that most dear and precious to our heart isn't physically with us any longer - but their spirit is always with us, they never leave but they watch over us unseen but still loved so much.  since losing my service dog roxie I have pretty much secluded myself but at this point in time I realize taking the human equation from my life because i'm missing her so much was never the answer.  absolutely go to lunch!  i'm sure your friend will understand and perhaps expect you to be sad.  your Zoey remains firmly within your heart and so you will never be leaving them behind but rather honor their love by being as strong as you can and face the world that they loved so much with you.  i'm now trying to do the same and while it is hard, it is what my roxie trained me to do - that is, to stand on my own two legs without the crutches and to lean on her.  she's not here physically with me but I know her spirit visits me and is here to give me strength whenever I need it and boy I need her a lot still.  many many hugs for you sweetie, we're here for you.
JerseyNonna
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Zoeylove
Thank you. I did get my stinkin bones into the shower and I'm heading to meet my friend. Thanks for your kind words and support- such help.
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Bailey15
Hi Cathie,
I am so sorry for your loss! I love the picture of Zoey - she was beautiful! I went back and read your story and I understand so much what you have been going through. We had our dog, Bailey for 15 years. We don't have kids so he was like a child and a best friend all rolled into one. We had to let him go in November as he became very ill. I also remember not being able to sleep and friends asking me to lunch "to get my mind off Bailey" as if that was going to happen. I was numb for a long time. I'm glad you pushed yourself to go to lunch. I know it feels like nothing is fun so why bother but it really is good for you to be with people.
What someone told me is that you will have a little less grief each day and I did find that to be true. I also found it helped to write in a journal to Bailey and I am still finishing off a Memory scrapbook for him. I found that working on it helped me feel close to him. Maybe these are things that could help you. I still think of him every day of course but most days now the memories bring a smile to my face. You will get there too. Just hang in.
Sending you hugs!
MJ
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Zoeylove
Thank you so much, MJ.  It was hard, but I got out to the lunch.  I'm finding it harder to be out in the world than even in our home feeling so empty.  When I'm out, it seems less real and I start to have almost like a panic attack when I forget she's gone for a second and then relive the whole thing over.  I keep reminding myself that I only had a week's time to process what was happening from diagnosis to her last day.  I know some people don't even get any time.  I had this inner compass that was always pointing to her - I was always trying to get back to her, home to her. 

I guess I've also realized that I was a pretty hot mess before this even happened.  She was my last band-aid.  I wish I had dealt with that pain in a better way before this happened or I suppose this is forcing me to deal with it all.  Some moments I just don't get the point to all of this.  I would not hurt myself but that's just a very dark place to be.  Thanks for your thoughts and understanding.  I'm sorry about Bailey and I think you have been very courageous in your grief.  It helped me to hear your friendly voice and your experience of things getting a little easier as time goes on.  

Cathie
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Bailey15
You are so welcome Cathie! I'm glad you went for lunch with your friend. It's so important for you to have that support right now. What you said reminded me of how I felt after Bailey died. I had forgotten that feeling but you described it perfectly. When I was at home, I knew he was gone but when I went out things sometimes felt normal. Then it was so painful to to face the reality again. Thank you so much for your kind words about Bailey. It's so sweet of you considering everything you are going through. I know you are in a dark place and I am so sorry for the awful pain you are feeling. I was so numb after Bailey died and my doctor said that your brain will only allow in as much as you can handle. Cry as much as you need to and lean on your friends and family for support. Keep visiting the forum. Everyone here understands what you're going through. It's been 7 months and I never dreamed I could make it to this place so please don't lose hope. It will slowly get easier, I promise, although our beautiful memories will always live in our hearts.
Hugs and Prayers,
MJ

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Sampson
Zoeylove, I was reading through your thread and it brought back memories for me too. Grief is such a hard process! I hope you can resolve all the painful issues and start to heal soon. As Bailey15 said it does get slowly easier so be patient with yourself during this sad time. Wishing you all the best on this tough journey. ~ S.
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Zoeylove
Thank you so much, Sampson.
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Snowshoehare
Hi Zoeylove, how are you doing? I read your original post and recognize so many of the feelings you are describing. I lost my love only three days ago, I expected bad news but not to the extent I recieved. I had 45 minutes for which I am grateful to spend with her before I had to make the decision to let her go. I am devastated, getting up is so hard she was my morning motivation and what I rushed home from work for.
How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold.
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elliemeewiz
I feel similar feelings, waking up without wiz is so hard, living without him as I get up each day seems even harder...  I just try to think of him still being here and talk to him, I give his pic a little kiss in the kitchen and tell him I love him and so on. His ashes are next to me at night. Last night I reached out to touch the tin they put them in without even thinking about, it seems very natural now because part of him is there. I hope you went had fun at your lunch.  I hope your friend understands. There are lots of animal lovers out there. 
My beloved sweet Tess August 1999 - February 21 2001
My beloved loyal Byron March 1998 - April 28 2008
My sweet beloved girlie Angelina April 2001- September 2012
Me & my sweet beloved Wizberry forever 1998- April 21, 2016
My sweet beloved Snow Goddess Sybil girlie April 2001- May 11,2018
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Zoeylove
Hi Snowshoehare and Ellie,

I totally understand.  I'm so sorry for your losses.  The hardest part for me other than the loss of the actual physical presence that I so adored, has been letting go of that "magnet" that was the center of my life - the one I was always feeling the pull of when I was out and on my way home or the resistance and pull I felt when I was leaving her to go to work or on a trip.  Doing just normal things like shopping and expecting to see her after has been the worst - I did not expect that.  I cry when I see the visual triggers of almost being home, etc.  We had just moved last month which had been a mixed blessing - sometimes I torment myself about how her last 2 weeks were in a new confusing place which surely added to the stress.  But there are also less spots that I associate with her.  Had it happened in our last place, I think I would still be having trouble getting out of bed.  We moved only 2 miles away, and I cry every time I pass our old house because it almost feels like we left her there.  The first week or so after I obsessed a lot about her last moments.  I second guessed myself and relived it many times.  That's normal and part of the brain mechanism of dealing with trauma and grief.  Mornings were the hardest for me too - it was a special time for us.  It took several nights to not forget she was gone and shift my legs in my bed to avoid kicking her -- this was something I wasn't really aware I did every night.  

You're in one of the toughest stages right now - hang on.  It's been 2 1/2 weeks since we let her go.  I'm happy to tell you that it does get a little easier each day.  I still cry almost every day.  I get tempted every few days to numb out through food or alcohol - not a good idea because it just delays the inevitable.  When the grief lands a punch on me, I try to find a private, quiet space and let it happen.  I put my hand on my heart where it hurts so much and that comforts me (so simple, but it works).  I talk to her and tell her exactly what I am feeling.  If there's a space associated with her that is painful for me to be around, I try to speak to her there and set the space free.  I also had recently gone to a rocks/crystals store and found some rocks that reminded me of the color of her eyes, as well as a rose quartz that is supposed to be healing.  You don't even have to believe in this stuff, it's just nice to hold things and draw comfort from them.  I still haven't had the courage to look at a lot of photos or videos.  She was my phone screen saver and I have not changed that.  It does hurt every time I see it.

For me, it ended up being helpful to put most of her stuff out of view, except for a few special reminders.  I really struggled with this because I felt like even vacuuming up her litter meant I was leaving her behind (I know, ridiculous).  Once I decided that I was not going to box up her stuff in a cardboard box, and that I wasn't ready yet to donate anything (maybe I never will be), I knew I wanted to find a special little trunk to put her favorite things.  We were having family over for Fathers' Day last weekend, so we did end up putting most of her things out of view - it did help me I think.  Everyone is different when it comes to this decision.  

It's a large price these lessons that pain brings to us -- but we do learn a lot about ourselves.  We learn about our capacity to love so deeply... that is the whole point to being here, I believe.  We learn, however slowly, about our capacity to heal and hope again.  Try to turn inward and notice your little victories.  An example - I knew I was going to be okay when despite the sharp overwhelming grief, I was still able to be kind to people, to be polite to people -- I didn't just shut down.  Pain has also made me aware that there is a part of me that deeply needs to care for something - I've already taken to feeding the stray cats in my neighborhood and a bunny that keeps showing up!  You will learn a lot about yourself.  

Life has been gray and boring with out her... I feel sometimes like I'm just crawling through a swamp.  I've become aware that maybe I put too much importance in our relationship -- I was hiding.  I don't know if this makes sense to anyone.  I am painfully aware that before this all happened, I had been retreating and making my world smaller and smaller.  In other words, I need to get out there more!  Even more devastating would be if I never took the time to answer my own callings, never took the time to fully realize my own self expression.  Another painful lesson.  

If it helps you, keep writing to me/all of us about your experiences leading up to letting go and the aftermath.  Sometimes we just need to unload to people we know who understand perfectly, such as this community.

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