My Bella Sophia, chihuahua, crossed over to the Rainbow's Bridge on September 25th.  It was the most heart breaking, torturous day of my life.  I remember wailing as her soul drifted to another world . . . crying in a little ball that entire day.  Sobbing at the coffee shop the next day when I pulled a receipt out from the vets that was still stuck in my pocket.  More crying over the guilt of making the decision- to help her into heaven.  Scary flashbacks of symptoms of her cardiovascular disease- bloated belly, difficulty breathing, rapid heart beat, and finally failing kidneys which made her heart medications ineffective.  It's a new kind of pain each day.  Maybe I am more functional, but the hurt, the pain, just continues to evolve into something new.  I just want it to evolve, to the point where I am back to my normal, happy self.

So the vices set in.  My anger.  I'm angry at the fact her suffering, the last five days she was here, just was not fair. I am a Christian, and I question, how does a merciful God allow suffering to happen- this is something beyond our free will.  Why did the substitute vet initially misdiagnose my baby?  I'm angry i only got to spend not even five years with my baby, who everyone was even convinced was my furry soul mate.  Bella was a rescue, and I get angry at the people who abandoned her (although I never would have met her if they didn't); I get angry that they saw her as a throw away when she was my life's greatest treasure.  I'm jealous when I see people with young puppies, seeing them how happy they are, and wishing I still had those moments with my Bella.  I get jealous of people who had so many years with their pets.  I may have only had her that long, but that didn't matter.  We were inseparable and shared such a special union that words of the human language cannot describe.

Yes, our pet's death is reality.  We cannot avoid death.  But it just makes me angry.

Bella Sophia, if you are out there, please know I love you so much. If I could have given you my kidney so your heart medicines would have worked I really would have.  You taught me the meaning of love, I miss you dearly and don't think a day will ever go by when I don't think of your beautiful self- both inside and out.  You don't have any idea the positive impact you had in my life.

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I'm so very sorry to hear about your devastating loss.  You're so right ~ the sorrow transforms day by day.  Some days we handle it well and are able to function.  Some days the anger can be overwhelming.  Other days are filled with crippling misery and sorrow that only other animals lovers can understand.

I wish I could answer your questions, but the best I can do is to tell you that I understand why you ask them, and give you my point of view.  I hope it will help you on your path to healing.

Why would a merciful God allow your Bella Sophia to suffer, or to have been misdiagnosed?  I can't answer either of these, but I have to believe that there is an answer.  It might not be ours to know in this lifetime, but the answer will come one day.  For me, questions like that present the need for a deeper faith than we can imagine in order to let go of the anger and the guilt we feel.  Maybe finding that level of faith is the answer. 

I hope and pray that Bella didn't suffer the way you think she might have.  Some conditions appear to be painful but are actually more of a persistant discomfort.  I have faith that God would not allow your baby to suffer for no reason at all, and that He would keep what suffering there is to a minimum.  No amount of suffering in your loving home could compare to what she experienced before she came to you.  After her previous life, she would have walked through fire to be by your side.

From a medical and veterinary standpoint, the cardiac disease would most likely manifest in an overall fatigue more than actual pain, and so would the renal failure.  I pray that was the case for your dear Bella.  One thing is for sure ~ you gave her the ultimate gift of love when you released her and set her free to make her journey to the Rainbow Bridge.  You did it to end her suffering, knowing that your own would just begin.  There is no more selfless gift than that. 

Yes, you might only have had a short time together, but for her it was a lifetime of love and goodness.  You were as much a blessing in her life as she was in yours.  You showed her that she could be loved, and that she could trust you to love her.  With you, she knew what it meant to be accepted, valued, and welcomed as she had never known before.  The gifts you gave each other could not have been exchanged between any two other souls. You formed a bond that will last for eternity, and I know she will never be more than a whisper away from you, always snuggled into that special part of your heart that was hers from the beginning.

Everything you have described is absolutely normal, and it's more bearable when you have the support of people who understand the scope of your loss.  We do.  We will be here for you every step of the way as you find your footing. 

Please come back and tell us, as your able to, about your love story with Bella, and all the things she did that made you smile and laugh out loud.  We love reading about each others' Bridge Kids and learning about them through the stories their uprights share here.

You and your sweet Angel Bella Sophia are in my thoughts and prayers.

My heart is battered and bruised, but I will not let it break. It holds such precious cargo, I must protect it now. (Susie Squillions)

"Memories of loved ones are like songs in our soul." Margaret Wakeley




In one of the stars, I shall be living.
In one of them, I shall be laughing.
And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night.
~ The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery
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I understand and I am so sorry for your loss. It is a difficult time when you lose your fur baby, no matter how long they were with you. I'm not able to give any 'healing' advice. It's been already 7 weeks since I lost Jasmine and the void in my heart and home is still there. The tears still flow.
You are in my thoughts and prayers today.

Always for Jasmine
Cheryl and Angel Jasmine
Jasmine was loved
Jasmine was given ProIn
Jasmine is now gone
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