Mackysmum
Hi beautiful people on here
I haven't posted on here in a while mainly because I felt I didn't need to anymore and to be very honest I feel into a deep feeling of depression.

This coming Thursday will mark 6 months that my beautiful best friend Macky was put to sleep
I cant believe it will be 6 months , it is so very long to of lived without him .

To be honest the last 6 months feels like a blur my memory of that time is very hazy and foggy

I have experienced so many scary emotions during that time I thought I would lose my mind or something

The absolute hardest thing for me since loosing Macky was the loss of purpose I've felt , see I looked after macky in the last 2 years of his life like I was his nurse .
Macky required a puffer twice daily and anti inflammatory drugs once a day , I was the only one in my family that was able to give him his puffer .

Mackys back hips / legs were not great he suffered chronic stiffness and slowed down with most stuff that dogs do .

Mackys last 6 months got a lot worse in regards to his hips / legs , I had to at times help him get over un even places so he could pee or poop and when walking him I had to hold him up a certain way so he did not hurt his back legs .
He still absolutely loved his little walkie and I took him some times 3 times a day , he loved walks more then food I believe.

In the very end it was Mackys hips / legs that made me decide to put him to sleep , I always said to myself I would never let him lose his dignity , I use to tell my mum that the day Macky cannot get up at all i will put him to sleep .
I honored that ...

Deciding to call the vet was the absolute hardest decision I have ever in my whole life had to make and I only put Macky to sleep because of my deep love and respect for him.
That horrible day my baby left me is very very very hazy , I suffer from dissociation from past trauma so I have blocked out alot of that day with my Macky Moo .

One day my memory will become clearer about that day .

I have gone though most the stages of grief except bargaining and I did not really experience anger that much .

I have mostly struggled with stock / denial / numbness and then depression , the depression hit me when I could grasp the fact that Macky was really gone and I was hit with a feeling of no purpose and just felt so lost in myself and in my life .

I'm still at this stage of feeling lost and my sense of purpose feels gone , my sense of identity is shattered as I was Mackys mum and his full time carer.
Now I dont have a idea what this life is without him in it .

I have just started seeing a therapist ,she seems nice and she loves animals plus she brings her dogs to work .

Any way I just thought I would up date how I was feeling and be brutally honest that no I am not healed after 6 months. And that it's ok that I'm not fine
Macky was in my life for just over 15 years of my life he was like a child to me and my best friend my reason to push though when wanting to crumble from my mental health problems .. he was my strength.

I still think about Macky at least every hour I visit his grave many times a day and I talk to him daily and say goodnight every night.
Thanks for reading and a massive huge thank you to the many people on here that talked to me during my deep grief yous truly are beautiful lovely people with great hearts

Love you Macky Moo
Forever till I take my last breath
I'm not whole anymore without you but I can live with that just as long as you are at peace my angel
I hope you hear me when I talk to you my boy
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littleguy
mackys mum 

just a true letter of how most of us feel or have felt and you said it best we are not whole anymore but can live with it as long as we know our babies are out of pain and at peace just running and playing at the rainbow bridge . and also know that 6 months is still such a short time that does feel like forever as for me it will be 2 years this week that my paw prints went to heaven and im still not healed and don't think I ever will be  but have learned to work around it at times as for some these babies are the true loves  of our lives and just our everything and you don't heal from that  loss you just keep them in your heart and soul until you reunite at the bridge,hugs to you and macky .

littleguys mom
pamela meadows
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Molly_Beagle_Mom_4ever
Hi Macky’s Mum, I’m so very sorry fir your loss of Macky, and I understand completely your feelings and what you’re going through. The pain and grief seem linger as we continue to miss our best little friends, and our routines are shattered along with our hearts. Losing that love and all the roles that go along with it is truly heart breaking. I’m glad you came back to the forum to share Macky and hopefully help with your healing as you see that there are many people here who are also missing their babies. I hope Macky is sending you lots of signs to show you he’s still near every day, sharing everything you do and always making sure you’re ok. They’re forever connected to us, and we will hold them again. Sending you lots of hugs.

Molly’s Mom....Dawn
Love you infinitely our little Molly. Forever and ever XOXO
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MAlcindor
Mackysmum, six months is nothing compared to the bond you have with your baby of 15+ years. The loss is tremendous and there is no time frame in which you are required to be ok. So much of our lives is spent doing things for them, especially when they are ill that when they leave us our purpose leaves with them. The hole they leave in our lives is like no other, we lose all sense of ourselves. Who are we supposed to be once they are gone? What do we do with ourselves? Who is left to love us so   unconditionally? Unless you have experienced that special kind of love it is almost impossible to understand the agonizing grief that comes with the loss. It's as if someone ripped our hearts out.  I'm really sorry for your loss and the depression you are experiencing. I'm also glad you came back to this forum, it has been the only outlet for me during this rough time. Sending hugs to you and your precious Macky.
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Tankie12
Hi Allison. I remember you from back than, seems like yesterday and forever ago at the same time. I’m sorry you’ve been suffering alone all this time, it’s brutal. As you can see I’m still here, I still need to connect with others who respect and understand what it is to have lost your heart.
We are different people from this experience. Unrecognizable to even ourselves, it’s a daily struggle but I find some comfort in knowing what we don’t know is ok. We’ve been through a loss that’s epic and has shaken us to the core. You’re not alone, many hugs,,,,,
Lynn, Tankie’s mom, forever
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Mackysmum
Thanks everyone for the heartfelt replies

I know everyone on here understands what I'm going though , my mum and dad are pretty good about my grief they understand were I'm at .

Unfortunately no one else understands and I feel I cant talk about Macky to them , which hurts me because its like he didn't mean anything to them .

I really hope in the future I can gain more comfort within myself about my tremendous loss and I can re build myself up again . Right now that all feels impossible.

I will keep seeing my therapist it will not stop me loving or missing my Macky but may help rebuild up some confidence within myself .

Thank you so much for writing me back
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Sil
Mackysmum,

I am sorry for your loss of Macky.  I joined this forum about three months ago, and it has helped me.  I can really, relate to you regarding depression.  Back in 2006, when my sweet male doggie Sol entered my life and stole my heart.  I was recuperating from depression, but, I continued and still do, to suffer anxiety attacks.  In my case, Sol was "my medicine, my constant companion during these anxiety attacks".  When, Sol was diagnosed, I was able to cared for him,....but, I was not as strong as Sol was.... I felt guilt, the what if's? consumed me.

You cared for Macky with so much love, and I am sure that your boy listens to every word you say to him.  

Seeing a therapist will help you.  And, writing/posting here will offer you a chance to "share" with all of us.  We all understand your feelings.  Sending you hugs. 
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