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opaqueblue

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Reply with quote  #1 
Remmie, it's only been 2 days since you left me. I can't sleep, I can't function.I I just don't know how to do this. Your dad is not supporting me at all. It's only been 2 days and he yells at me and tells me basically to get over it. Your grown siblings see my memes in their messenger and I only know they've read it because there's a check mark next to it. You know that I have been detaching from them and the grandchildren, I've had to for my own sanity. If they really wanted to be with me, or even just call me, they would. They don't. Jason did send me a beautiful poem on FB and it touched my heart. You know he lost his fur baby 3 years ago. He was a wreck for months, had to even take time off of work . But, after his nice poem on FB, I thought ( stupidly ) that I would hear from him on a regular basis to help me through this,..but NOTHING. All of my children , all of my FB friends and daddy remain silent. Everyone knows that I'm homebound, yet no one gives a @#$%  Remmie. YOU were my life.YOU were my whole world. When I couldn't get out of bed this morning I sobbed because you are always there to get my slippers and do twirlys cuz mom is up. Now I get up to silence. Daddy say " I only grieve in tiny pieces, I take it out,look at it for a moment and then put it away"!He gets angry that I cry so much. I have just shut down. I am so depressed and mentally and physically exhausted. For months now I have pulled away from everyone, I don't deserve the treatment I get from them so now I am alone. I told daddy that he's gone 80% of the time, but i'm stuck in these 4 walls , unable to get around and unable to drive. His passive -aggressive is showing, I believe he secretly enjoys seeing me squirm like this.
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Sampson

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Reply with quote  #2 
My dear Katherine, I offer my deepest condolences on the loss of your Remmie. You shared an extraordinary bond and it will be so very difficult for you to go through this loss. It may seem like your husband is being uncaring but we all grieve differently. Your son reached out but he may also be busy with work or a family and as time has gone by he may have forgotten how bad the pain truly was. I don’t know. Would you consider reaching out to him now? He may be very receptive to a message from you as long as he isn’t feeling judged. I know from my own experience that it’s easy to push people away when we are in such devastating pain because we feel like: Can’t they see what I’m going through???? Please try not to do that. I remember feeling so disappointed in my expectations of friends and family after the death of my beloved Sampson but in hindsight I can see that they were doing the best that they knew how. I wish I’d realized it then because my own pain was worsened by what I perceived as letdowns. The truth is people sometimes really just don’t realize the extent of the bond we shared and the devastation of losing our best friends but it doesn’t mean they don’t care. It can feel so lonely and isolating. This forum is a wonderful place to come and let out all your pain from this tremendous loss in your life. You mentioned distancing yourself from your children and grandchildren. I think it might be something to reconsider but you are in such deep grief now that you shouldn’t make any decisions because our minds become clouded from such loss and pain. I think you should continue to post here. Everyone here seems to have come here because they need to feel connected to people who understand their pain and devastation. I am truly sorry for your loss. Please post again.
My best,
Sam
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BorderCollieLover

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Reply with quote  #3 
opaqueblue:

  I really feel for you. The loss of your beloved Remmie has driven a wedge between you and other family memebers. I agree with Sampson's take on the situation, that other family members may be grieving and their pain is palpable - they're just not doing it openly. You mention that your Son was initially very distaugt but is now been detached from you. He's not calling or sending e-mails. I know you are very troubled by this - and I don't blame you one bit for your anger, disappointment and disillusionment. When our expectations of our family, friends and colleagues is not met during a trying period it can really get us down, especially if you may have been there for them during their "time of need." I had a similar experience a few weeks back when I lost my beloved dog. My former next door neighbors were great friends with me and my little girl. I sent them a very detailed notice about my baby's passing. They did not respond. No notes. No e-mails. No phone calls. Nothing. I know they got my notification. I was dumbfounded. Why no response? When one of their dogs died I was right there to help the father (Paul) wrap him (Golden Retriever) in a big blanket and take him to the Vet's office. I helped them, why couldn't they even extend me the courtesy of acknowledging my little girl's death? I was really angry for a while but have decided to completely forgive them. Why? Because they are good people. I just don't think that they can handle someone else's grief. They have enough on their plate right now. i hope that you and your husband can develop a better dialogue down the road. Also, I hope your Son reconnects with you as well. Please post here often. It can be helpful. You are not alone.

jim

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Becky1990

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Reply with quote  #4 
Dear Opaqueblue,
I am so sorry again for the loss of your sweet Remmie. My furbabies are my world and I understand the pain that you are going through. I believe that some people will not truly understand the unconditional love that our furbaby gives us. That is their loss.
It was good that your son sent you a poem. I am sure that your pain is bringing back his pain of his furbaby and he doesn't know how to console you. Men are raised to be tough, don't cry and keep their feelings inside. I am sure your husband is greiving too and just doesn't know how to express it. Like it was said before, they are doing the best they know how to do. I am sure your family loves you, we just have to go through all of the greiving process. Try to reach out to your family. People can tend to be forgetful that the "strong one in the family" needs comfort too. Unfortunately there is no words that can take your pain away. So please keep writing them out here. You are here with people that understand the horrible pain that you are feeling now. You are not alone. xx
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opaqueblue

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Reply with quote  #5 
I thank all of you for your kind words of comfort. Unfortunately I have been detaching from my adult children and others for the past year!! They don't even realize or care that I've detached, they just don't notice it. I have also left my church family of 34 years. It has left me totally alone. I've just come to the conclusion ( at 65 years old ) that it's just not worth the drama. I'm home bound due to crippling back injuries, and in the past 4 years ( while struggling in pain and unable to even walk ) I've found out who my "friends" and family truly are. Only 2 people left in my life, I just hang on to God for comfort. I'm not trying to be rude here, that's not my intent, I just have given upon certain people ( including my adult children ) and have tried to move on without them. I don't call them, I don't text them, I just simply ( in my heart ) said goodbye. It's just too much pain and alone-ness to keep begging for some kind of connection. At 65 I have reached the age of being " thrown away", I saw it all the time as a nursing assistant who worked with seniors , and specialized in hospice care.  I watched family after family stop being involved with their "senior " and leave them totally alone to struggle with life. It is no "new thing " to me! I just ( stupidly ) thought it couldn't happen to me! I had "special need " children, transplant surgeries, Leukemia , asthma, ...on and on. I poured my life, my health, my finances into them. I just thought that they would somehow appreciate the struggle mom had raising them and keeping them alive! I was sooo wrong! I realize I'm grieving, having done hospice for a living, I recognize grief ( while struggling to get through this nightmare of losing my only companion ) I know I'm not thinking straight right now, but the "disconnect " started months ago and they don't even realize it. I'm sooo done with trying to get their love and respect and some kind of support. Jesus take the wheel! Please!
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skmk

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Reply with quote  #6 
Dear opaque blue,
First I want to offer you my condolences on your loss of Remmie.  I know how hard it is when we've had a close relationship with our pets.  I lost my Dickens over a year ago and I'm still grieving.  It's hard for me to function.  I may not be physically incapacitated but I suffer from depression and anxiety and am mentally incapacitated.  Like you I have no one around who cares.  They just go on with their own lives knowing I'm here suffering.  Not a call, or text.....nothing.  I'm on my own and I have no support system.  They don't understand depression and don't realize how debilitating it is.  It's like being handicapped.
Just know you are not alone.  I wanted to let you know.  Please write again and I will write back.  I have to go to a doctors appt. now.  Bye for now.
skmk
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opaqueblue

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Reply with quote  #7 
skmk <http://forums.rainbowsbridge.com/profile/5920730> , thank you for writing to me, and I do also say I'm so sorry for your loss. It is a hard loss , a very hard loss indeed . I am still sitting here with a wide gaping wound that has been the final blow in a long line of blows.I don't know if you are male or female, so I admit I feel nervous about returning an email. I will tell you however that on top of being physically "broken " and all alone, like you I suffer depression and anxiety that has destroyed my life since I was 9 years old.Because of a long list of circumstances I have pulled away / detached from my adult children (it's been
glaringly obvious that their lives just have no room in them for mom ) . I have pulled away from my husband's family of 47 years for the same reason.
I have also pulled away from my church of 34 years.My husband and I? Not really anything there. I wear m y feelings on my sleeve, he speaks of nothing private. funny thing is, he pursued me because of the way I was "so alive and animated " that I completed him ( what did we know at 17 ?) .
However now, I still continue to express myself, and he finds it to be too much information and too emotional !We got married as teenagers ...unfortunately life has thrown nightmare after nightmare at us. I always react, and as usual , he remains silent. We are both Christians, he much better than I . Unfortunately as the old saying goes , you can be so heavenly minded that you're no earthly good. Hence a great divide between he and I. He also is gone from here at least 80% of the time so he has many distractions. Alas, my fur baby was my distraction from this horrible nightmare called life. Now, he is gone and I remain alone in my grief. Oh my husband says he will miss Remmie, but he says "I don't pick at open wounds " So he says that he takes out the grief, for just a moment , looks at it for a moment, and puts it back away. It's like eating an elephant " one bite at a time ". I however feel, taste, hear and smell ( if you will ) , the whole huge overwhelming ball of grief. Since he's gone so much, this gal has been Remmies mama and best friend. I am what is known as an empath, I don't know if you know what that is. Basically empaths see, feel , hear and experience everything in a much deeper way than most people. That leaves us open to much hurt because we feel other's pain so deeply that it actually feels as if we are going through , what that person is going through. Because of that, we invest ourselves into oter folks lifes and end up getting hurt. When they are done hurting, they cannot deal with how "deep " we are and they dump is because they have gotten what they need from us, but now need to move on.Like I said, life has not treated us kind, it has been a nightmare from day 1. I know my husband is right when he says "Give it to God and let it go"! I do give it to God, but I take it back. He still doesn't know what it's like to be both an empath, and a depressive / anxious person.I have been on meds for 31 years and weaned off of all but 1 anti anxiety drug. The psyche meds didn't help, they made things worse and I'm glad to be off. The problem remains , "what the h!!!# do I do with the depression now?I seemed to have it licked for about 6 months, 6 glorious months. But what goes up, must come down, and down it did. During those 6 months I rejoiced about my "wellness " . I then reached out to all of my "friends " and "family " and adult children only to find that they had all gone on with their lives and never looked back. My adult children were all "special needs " in one way or another. From asthma, to needing organ transplants to fighting Leukemia at young ages, mom was there every step of the way, ignoring my own health problems ( Lupus ) . I did way over and above what most parents have to give. We even went homeless at one point because medical bill ate us up aliveI didn't expect my children to bow down and kiss my feet when they grew up. I just assumed that we would be a close knit family, I brought them up visiting family every weekend ( if no one was sick ) and just assumed they would stick with the "routine " . I was so very wrong. I can't begin to tell you how this has effected me. Finally about 12 years ago, I had a complete mental / emotional breakdown,...yes, I went over the edge! I remained there for 10 long horrifying years in and out of psychosis, and 13 different psyche hospitals, along with 21 electric shock treatments. When I finally was on my way back is when my spine collapsed in on itself and crushed many many vertebrae putting me in excruciating pain and into a wheelchair, taking me 2 years to relearn how to walk. During that time , I also became septic and was in a coma for 2 weeks from undetected ecoli. I could go on and on.I have drawn out this email waaay too long. So, everyone that once knew me as "the one who held the family together" have now seen me as a mental babbling idiot who is sick and crippled on top of it. Who in the hell wants to be around THAT? If I try to talk about any of this to m y husband, his standard answer is, make it a matter of prayer. Prayer , I believe in with all myheaart. But at times like this, a person needs a body with skin on it ya know ? So here I sit with a huge ball of grief ( grief over my fur baby and so much more ) and I don't know what the hell to do with all of this ANGER! Myhusband who was raised in an alcoholic home has learned the fine art of denial. We just ignore whatever it si and pretend that it's not there. So I can't talk with him about Remmie's death. I did start to say something to him yesterday, and he reached for my hand ( alas some comfort ) , but I started to cry so he withdrew any affection!Just hurt upon hurt ya know? But then I'm 65 years old and he hasn't touched me in 25 years, so I should be used to it.
But it's like being a damn orphan if you will.i'm full of rage and anger at life, and I regret so many things. I married too young, had a family who doesn't want me, a husband who is a "servant to all " , but spends as much time away from home and me as he possibly can. As he puts it " well, it's simple ,...I have a life and you don't " Just forgive everyone and carry on . My question is ( since they all have left me in the dust ) Well since I no longer can drive, have zero spending money, can't even get out the door alone with my walker, how on earth do I get a life. I just don't know and I am getting closer to that horrible edge of insanity again! Aren't you glad you emailed me ???LOLOL

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ML1022

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Reply with quote  #8 
Please know that you are not alone.  I lost my little guy Gizmo just this past Saturday morning.  He was 11 1/2 year old Boston Terrier and such a sweet boy.  I found this great article when I couldn't sleep the night after he passed - please do read it - it helped me alot - https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-we-need-to-take-pet-loss-seriously/ - 

the title says it all: Why We Need to Take Pet Loss Seriously

here is an excerpt: 
Although grief over the loss of a cherished pet may be as intense and even as lengthy as when a significant person in our life dies, our process of mourning is quite different. Many of the societal mechanisms of social and community support are absent when a pet dies. Few of us ask our employers for time off to grieve a beloved cat or dog because we fear doing so would paint us as overly sentimental, lacking in maturity or emotionally weak. Studies have found that social support is a crucial ingredient in recovering from grief of all kinds. Thus, we are not only robbed of invaluable support systems when our pet dies, but our own perceptions of our emotional responses are likely to add an extra layer of distress. We may feel embarrassed and even ashamed about the severity of the heartbreak we feel and, consequently, hesitate to disclose our feelings to our loved ones. That additional shame complicates the process of recovery by making it more lengthy and complex than it should be.



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opaqueblue

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Reply with quote  #9 
ML1022 <http://forums.rainbowsbridge.com/profile/6943738> , I thank you for taking the time, amidst your own grief to write personally to me. I am so very, very sorry for what you too are going through. It is indeed a painful, grueling , unexplainable journey. This is my 3rd time taking this journey, but it has not gotten any easier! This time, I am home bound due to my spine collapsing in on itself 4 years ago. I was in excruciating pain in a wheelchair for 2 years , and had to learn to walk all over again. for the past 2 years, I am on a walker but unable to leave the house unless my husband takes me. Remmie has been my Whole social world , I have been his whole world, he is deaf and blind, and mama was his "seeing and hearing eye human " If you will. We relied on each other for everything. Due to circumstances that I won't bother yu with, I have had to detach from all 4 of my adult children this past year. Also from my husband's family ( together 47 years ) , also from my church of 34 years. This left me with Remmie and Remmie alone .My husband and I have no relationship, plus he refuses to acknowledge emotions and thus ,I'm in a very lonely nightmare! I have a cousin who lives an hour from me, but works full time ( gone back to work at 65 ) and a friend from church , 10 years my senior ( who is NOT an emotional person ) who has lost several fur babies and just moves on and gets over it in a matter of days. On top of the back injury, I have Lupus , ...Folks are just tired of my health and have moved on ffrom me, ..I have also detached from them which leaves me alone. I don't mean to go on and on about "mywoes" , it's just that I have no one to talk to. My husband comes from an alcoholic home and has learned the fine " art " of denial. If we don't look at it , or acknowledge it, then it isn't there. I don't know how to turn off the pain , I have stopped crying and am holding it in like a good little wife!but along with this now has come RAGE, I rage internally because my adult kids ( who were all special need ) have kicked me to the curb, and my husband simply refuses to show grief of any kind. I'm sorry about the rant, it's all bottled up inside of meI am a Christian , and have in the past 3 months , also left my church of 34 years. My husband is on every committee and every class there and is upset with me leaving. I'm 65 and have come to a place in my life ( after having raised 4 special need kids and done hospice for a living ) where I have screamed ,... ENOUGH! I refuse to be with people who will not respect me , but now I am alone.
Alone is this terrible grief with no one to talk to. My husband ( of 46 years hasn't touched me in 25 years ) just refuses to give support and my kids and my church will not acknowledge me in this pain, or even at all.
I'm in depression and anger and I don't know what to do with it! I'm sorry for the rant, I'm sooo very sorry for you having lost your fur baby. I understand and I thank you for this article you sent me. It validates my and your pain and tells me "it's normal and ok to grieve "! I have buried both parent ( who were not good parents ) and this fur baby grief is harder than my own parent's death. HE loved me, I loved him, the loyalty even though deaf and blind was unimaginable. He did everything byscent. He was a loving , true,loyal baby boy,...my little man. I will miss him forever. I pray that you too will somehow recover from the tragic loss of your baby.
Just the fact that you're HERE tells me that your baby was the whole world to you and I share in your grief. Again, thank you for your kindness , may God be with you!

Jesus take the wheel.

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Mistysmama

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Reply with quote  #10 
I am so sorry, Only days since your dearest Remmie left this world, and you are not supported. We here, do understand though, and we care.

Lay it at Jesus' feet. See if you can find a quiet place to pray to Him.

Anger as well as excruciating pain is all a part of grieving. It is perfectly natural....though the worst pain we have felt. And then there is shame about the anger. Well there shouldn't be. They are your valid emotions.

I had a brief explosion when anger just ripped out of me. Fortunately I was alone at the time, and trying to mend something electrical, and it was driving me nutty. It was a few weeks after my girl left. My girl was absolutely my world, and it was just the two of us, and I was alone. I wasn't angry with myself....or with her...or with God.  It was just an overwhelm of emotion trapped inside me which had to come out safely.

Anyway what happened was actually funny an hour later. But while trying to fix that item that wouldn't work, I suddenly lost it ! I grabbed a tea towel and beat the thing senseless!! While crying for missing my girl. Then I just crumpled to the floor once all my anger had ripped out (directed at that poor mini-oven I was trying to fix.) It got fixed in the end by the way, and works well to this day.

And I am the least "angry" person one could ever meet!
After that incident, I didn't seem to have any more anger. And I didn't even know it was there until it burst out.
But I was comforted to learn that is a natural stage of grieving. And there is nothing to be ashamed of for feeling it.

But many people are stuck when it comes to comforting those who are grieving. They clam up. That can include loved ones and family. Sometimes even good friends will avoid the bereaved because they don't know what to do or to say. Sometimes, even those who have had painful losses themselves.
Authentic emotion is quite hard for humans to process, I think.

I am not like that. You don't sound as if you are like that either. But the World doesn't handle us very well.....

I know what you mean about your Remmie. I can feel it. It's the same with me and Misty (my dog) We had a very special love between us. She was the sweetest Soul anyone could wish to know. So I can feel how it is for you right now.

Bless your lovely Remmie's Soul. His love for you does remain. He just isn't in the physical world any more. But oh boy....he is in the Spiritual world and will be your companion always. Misty showed me that is true.
God bless.

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Hold the love like a little light. It is all you have, or will ever have, to find your way home.

Misty's Blog..a Dogfight with Cancer http://www.mistysblog69.blogspot.co.uk

Misty's life after death: http://www.dog2spirit.com
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opaqueblue

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Reply with quote  #11 
Mistysmama <http://forums.rainbowsbridge.com/profile/1939062> , thank you for this kind message, I really appreciate it. Let me say first of all, ...I'm so very sorry for your loss , I have no words for you except I'm so very sorry
Ah, yes, anger!The problem is I have been angry for quite some time. I have detached from my sibling, my 4 adult children and their spouses and children, my husband's entire family, and my church of 34 years. I turned 65 this month, and just came to a place ( over the last year ) where I have just said ENOUGH! I have had no support for decades . I have decided that I matter even if they don't think so. So I came into this angry, I have also detached from my husband of 45 years ( before this even happened ) . I did hospice for a living ( before my spine collapsed in on itself ) and I lived grief for a career, so I am familiar with stages of grief, I am all over the place right now since I have to keep my grief to myself My husband has no emotions ( came from an alcoholic home ) and does not believe that emotions are necessary. Therefore ANY EMOTION I demonstrate is called " over reacting "! I must confess that I do wear my feelings on my sleeve, I am what is called an empath , so I feel things a lot deeper than other folks I grieved with every single one of my hospice families, it was a heavy load. But , I felt that is where the good Lord wanted me , so that is what I did. My problem now? What to do with the anger that has turned into RAGE ! I go to bed at night and give it to the Lord, but pick it back up in the morning ( or now, whenever I am able to sleep ) . I guess I just need time, and waiting on the Lord is not something I do well unfortunately!

Jesus take the wheel!

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Mistysmama

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Reply with quote  #12 
Dear opaqueblue,
You are suffering a lot, I see. The best you can do is accept how you feel and know that your feelings are valid and honest.
But beyond that, if you can find any quiet moments, focus on the Love for Remmie. She lives in  Spirit and still loves you very very much. If you can find those times of stillness at all, they will help. Yes you will cry floods of tears. But send out Love from your Heart and you will be comforted.

You are right in the middle of a whole large bunch of people, and that makes it harder sometimes, even though they are your family.
Try if you can to find some quiet space, some quiet times just to yourself (And Remmie.) Let your Heart shine in spite of discouragements you may feel from others. Stand in your own light. Be strengthened by the unique love you know with Remmie. And our Lord surely knows every breath you take and every beat of your heart, and knows Remmie very well!
They mean you no harm most likely. They just don't see things the way you do. Blessings.

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Hold the love like a little light. It is all you have, or will ever have, to find your way home.

Misty's Blog..a Dogfight with Cancer http://www.mistysblog69.blogspot.co.uk

Misty's life after death: http://www.dog2spirit.com
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opaqueblue

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Reply with quote  #13 
Mistysmama <http://forums.rainbowsbridge.com/profile/1939062>, thank you for your kind words,...they mean a lot. Right now I have blocked the tears.
They were right at the raw surface, like a gaping open wound . At this moment, no tears will flow, just anger, rage and resentment . My bad?

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danzey

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Reply with quote  #14 
opaqueblue..........You have had so many replies from so many caring people, that I'm not going to even try and compete.  What I do want to say to you opaqueblue is to please consider coming to the Monday Night (Online) Candle lighting that they have on this site.  I'm there every Monday, and so are a lot of other (caring) people.  We're all very close and we're just waiting for you (we need you) just as much as you (might) need us.  I promise you that you will not feel like a stranger (not even the first time you show up .....I promise.  We all understand, and we all care even if no one else does.  Think of it this way; you'll have at least one day a week where everybody will understand what your going through.  I'm on my way there now, I hope I "see you" there, if not this Monday then maybe next Monday..................danzey
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JT1

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Reply with quote  #15 
opaqueblue,

So very sorry for your loss of Remmie; I'm also sorry to hear that those closest to on whom you would hope to rely on for support don't understand the grieving and loss you feel. 

There are many of us here through this site and the Monday Night Candle Lighting sessions that understand your pain, grieving, and sense of loss. You are not alone in how you feel; nor should you feel that you are unable to feel what you are experiencing due to how others are treating you. 

We each grieve in our own way, and in our own time.  Our furbabies are such a big part of our lives in ways that others unfortunately may just not appreciate or comprehend.  I hope your family will one day realize your emotions and feelings for Remmie's loss are real, justifiable, and that they will come around to supporting you.  in the meantime, please try to take care of yourself.   

Your loss is so recent and I would expect very overpowering.  Allow yourself to grieve, as it's part of the healing process, but it takes some time.

I'm a male in my very early 50s and have been mourning the loss of our precious little guinea pig, BoB, who crossed over the Rainbow Bridge on June 6 of this year.  Not a day goes by that I don't miss him.  I still talk to him every day. 

The loss of our little guy hit me in a way I never expected or ever experienced in my life, even factoring in a few bouts of depression in my earlier days.  My family understands to some degree, but they don't feel quite the same way about him in terms of mourning his loss.  I suppose they think I should be able to just put his loss behind me and be over it by now, but I simply can't.  Things have gotten a little better over time though, and I'm sure they will with you- just give it a chance.  Tears still come some days, and then some days they give way to smiles as I remember some funny/good memories.  I pray the same will happen for you as well.

Give yourself the chance to feel what you feel and remember that you aren't going through this alone- there are many of us out here who know what you are going through.  There are also many people through this wonderful site and through its chat room who can empathize and help shoulder your burden with you.  

prayers that you will begin to find comfort and peace...

JT

 

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