RemysMom

I am hoping that reaching out to a community filled with others experiencing this loss will help. It feels like nothing does. I had a beautiful relatively healthy Golden Retriever girl named Remy. At 10.5 years old on Tuesday night, I rushed my beloved to the ER Vet. I had a bit of an overprotective and slightly neurotic history of rushing Remy to the vet with symptoms that until Tuesday were always benign. I had been trying to convince myself that this was again one of those times. Remy appeared bloated to me but she didn’t show the other signs that google said to look for (vomiting, pacing, panic) and so I wasn’t sure. At any rate, when I took her to the Er Vet, I fully anticipated that this would be another benign time. I put my girl in the car and drove the 45 min to the nearest ER. I noticed that she didn’t seem to enjoy the ride as much, but she never truly showed her pain a day in her life. When I got to the ER, I rushed my girl to the front door to find it locked. Inside were workers in masks and gloves pointing to a sign on the door saying that I needed to go to my car and call for triage. I was distracted by that and rushed my girl to the car to make the call. It took several attempts to get through but as soon as I told them I thought she was bloated with pale gums, they came right out. I handed her off to a tech and thought I’d see her in a bit. About 20 min later, the Vet called to say that they were very worried because Remy had blood pooling in her abdomen. They told me they suspected Hermangiosarcoma tumors had burst in her stomach. It was the first I had heard that she had internal tumors. They told me they recommended euthanasia but that a $5000 dollar surgery could be done. They warned that the surgery, was not necessarily going to be successful and would only buy 1-3 months. I was in shock and couldn’t bear the thought of letting her go without trying to save her. Money be damned. I begged them to save her. Go to surgery. They did. After about 1.75 hours, the vet called me back to say surgery was not going well. There were too many tumors and they could not save her. They gave me the choice to let her go while she was already under anesthesia peacefully or they could sew her up, wake her so I could say goodbye and then euthanize. The thought of my sweet baby being awoken with a painful open wound only to be scared and confused and then let go again was too much. I made what I think was the humane decision FOR HER (not me) and allowed her to go while under anesthesia. 

I am wracked with nausea, guilt, and realizing that I did not say goodbye to her. I thought she was coming back. I thought I was being crazy. But, she’s gone. My house is so quiet. I hate being here which doesn’t help since we are basically on quarantine. To complicate it further, I am 30 weeks pregnant and so I cannot just allow myself to grieve. I have to try to contain my stress so as not to send myself into early labor or worse. I am just so broken....

My most beautiful Golden Retriever Remy: 8/1/09-3/17/2020. 
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codysmum102
OMG I am so sorry for your loss. What a horrible experience to have to go through especially in your condition and during this awful time of COVID19. I know how it feels to think things will be O.K. and then to have them go sour. My dog, Cody, my best friend and baby boy was having seizures. We thought they could be controlled by medication and it seemed to help for awhile but then he started again and we found out he had a brain tumor. I spent over $10,000 but he only lasted 2 more months. I thought we would have had more time but we didn't and we had to euthanize him so he wouldn't suffer. I am so sorry you weren't able to say goodbye but I would have done the same thing in your shoes. I would rather be the one suffering than my baby. Prayers to you in this difficult time 🙏.
Julie 💔
"Grief only exists where love lived first."
--Franchesca Cox
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RemysMom
Thank you so much for responding! It helps to hear that others would have done the same. It just feels like there was no right answer. I would have been guilty if I had chosen to let her go without trying to save her but at least I might have been able to see her one last time. I don’t have to live with the guilt that I didn’t try but then she died without me there. One thing I am somewhat grateful for is that I was able to even take her to a vet. CT called to shut down all non-essential businesses and I don’t know if that means the vets now too. I can’t imagine how it would have been if she had to bleed out internally and slowly die at home. She definitely didn’t deserve that. 
My most beautiful Golden Retriever Remy: 8/1/09-3/17/2020. 
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BoxerMomForever
RemysMom, I also responded on Still not Sleeping at Night.

i am truly sorry this happened, so sorry for your loss.  My girl,Lily has that same horrible diagnosis, we opted out of surgery, she lived just 3.5 months after diagnosis.

do not blame yourself, she is not suffering.  Such a terrible thing with the circumstances.

hugs to you and I understand you have to be okay for your baby.  That’s so hard.  

Please stay here, this is a wonderful community and has helped me tremendously.

take care.
Linda *Mom to two boxer angels* Lily {White Girl} 6/22/09 - 10/14/19 Ginger {Flashy Fawn Girl} 6/4/97 - 5/28/09
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RemysMom
I fully intend to keep coming back. I really need the support! Stay healthy!!
My most beautiful Golden Retriever Remy: 8/1/09-3/17/2020. 
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BorderCollieLover
RemysMom:
You did the absolute best that you could under some very trying circumstances. I know that this so hard for you. We all understand. Please post here often as this Forum is filled with lots of really smart, insightful, compassionate, pet loving people who love their furry friends more than life itself. Take care.

Warmest regards,
Jim
Jim Miller
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RemysMom
Jim - thank you. I am simply amazed at how incredibly difficult this has been. This is the hardest I’ve ever grieved for any living thing. It’s as though I lost a child. She was more than a dog and I didn’t realize how intertwined our lives were. My whole routine is shot (even without COVID19 quarantine) and my whole house is a reminder. Heck, the whole tri town area is a reminder of her. It helps to know that this community understands and grieves just as much for their lost companion. I will definitely continue to post. I wouldn’t say today was easier but I was able to contain myself a little more than the last few days. So that’s a good start I think!
My most beautiful Golden Retriever Remy: 8/1/09-3/17/2020. 
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Whosmylilbaby
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Especially going through this pregnant and having to be in your house because of this Virus. I lost my hairy angel baby Rasta on 3/4/20. He also had internal bleeding and we tried everything except for the exploratory surgery that the doctors were reluctant to do.  I was also about $8000 in and I was willing to pay the other $7000 -$10,000 they were asking for. In the end I didn’t go through with it because I couldn’t keep putting my Rasta through continuous injections, test, treatments and hospital stays. He was so traumatized at times it was awful. I went to 4 different vets in 28 days to get to the bottom of what was happening. At a certain point we have got to forgive ourselves and give ourselves credit that we really tried. We really really tried everything. I’m sorry you couldn’t say goodbye to your Lil baby Remy. I’m so sad with you. I also know that feeling. The pain of their absence, the absence of their a sounds and presence is like a nuclear bomb of silence. I never knew silence could be so loud. The emotional toll it takes on us is sometimes unbearable. It’s hard not to feel even though you have to try not to because you are expecting. Gosh it’s a tough one. I was a total mess. The first week I didn’t eat very well, you have definitely eat well. I didn’t sleep well or haven’t slept well since . You have to definitely get rest. I cried for hours and very often. You have to stay positive and relaxed. You have a goal and your goal is to be ok for your baby. Your baby will be inspiration for you too get through this. I learned from grieving that you never will get over it. But you can get through it. I have no instructions on how to cope because I’m right along with you. I’m in pain I’m grieving, I’m at a loss. At the very least I can tell you, you are not alone. 
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billybobm57
RemysMom,  I am sorry for your loss.  Its been three weeks since I lost my Harry and although I am still grieving over his loss, the pain and guilt of having to euthanize him is starting to be replaced by the thoughts of how sick he was becoming and that in the end I did the right thing for him.   It is always difficult when you are left with the feelings not having enough time to say goodbye, but it sounds like you made the right choice for your precious Remy.  My God Bless you and ease your pain.
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codysmum102
Remysmom,
I know exactly what you mean when you say this is the hardest you've grieved for any living thing. I was shocked at how my boy's loss has affected my life. I thought since I had gone through this with other animals I knew what to expect. The passing of my parents didn't even compare to losing Cody. I know that sounds terrible but it's the truth.  It's something that I will never fully recover from but I am in the process of trying to create a "new normal" for myself. It is not easy.
Julie 💔
"Grief only exists where love lived first."
--Franchesca Cox
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RemysMom

Whosmylilbaby - Thank you. I’m so sorry about Rasta. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to make that decision. But you did try and you did what was best for Rasta even though it hurt. I’m glad that you got some warning although I’m sure that doesn’t really help in the end anyway. Remy actually loved the vet. She loved anywhere with new people to give her what we called “pets and love.” I try to imagine that her final moments were spent with her excited for the interactions. The vet that was only with her for 10 min referred to her as “so sweet” when they tried to talk me out of the surgery the first time so clearly she was still being a love even without me. The pregnancy definitely adds a whole new level of stress to this situation. I am not a stress eater and so making myself eat is the worst. On the bright side, before my girl passed I was afraid I’d eat us out of all our quarantine food out of boredom but I think I’ve now saved us at least a week of food! 

Billybobm - I’m so sorry for your loss as well. Your tactic of realizing his pain rather than feeling guilty is one I’ve also been trying to employ. For me, I realized Rem was acting strangely but... she was always kind of strange. It wasn’t until after I knew what she was suffering from that her minor symptoms started to make sense. Licking her lips, drinking water, sleeping more, sitting oddly in the middle of the room with her back to me, preferring to lay on the floor than get pets on the couch... once I realized that this was her way of conveying that it was almost time and that I needed to start letting her go. I think it’s also good to remember that we did what was best for them even though it was so hard and still is. A friend of mine that used to work in a vet office told me about people that dropped their dogs off for euthanasia and didn’t want the remains - I just can’t even imagine that  so our puppies, they had the Cadillac of lives and we can’t beat ourselves up for the bitter endings. Now I just need to go and follow my own advice... 

Julie - I know... I hate this new normal but I know it’s inevitable. I always knew when Remy’s time came, I’d be a mess but I didn’t imagine it would be like this and at the worst possible time. Cody was so lucky to have you as a mommy. He clearly had a wonderful life and you did all you could!

Sincerely,
Katie

My most beautiful Golden Retriever Remy: 8/1/09-3/17/2020. 
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RemysMom

So last night, I allowed myself the distraction of playing cards with some loved ones. I kept trying to fight off waves of guilt that Remy would be disappointed that I was able to smile so soon after her passing. Silly, I know and completely false. But I couldn’t help it. Maybe she felt my guilt because last night for the first time in 5 days, I slept more than a few hours. I don’t feel as cloudy this morning and it is helping. Perhaps she sent me vibes to tell me it was ok.  

I’d like to take a moment to share a living memory of my girl. I got Remy when she was 8 weeks old to the day. We formed a ritual when she was a puppy that whenever I came back from being out, I would let her out of her crate and sit on the floor with her. She would sit in my lap to get all the pets and love and play time she wanted. It usually lasted about 20-40 min depending on her mood. She wasn’t quite like other goldens, she could be independent and aloof at times. She liked her space to be independent as long as she was still in the presence of people. As she got bigger, she transitioned from my lap to kind of snuggling into my legs for pets. Admittedly, the frequency of our ritual became a bit less as time went on because she became old enough and smart enough to seek attention on her own. On her last day (not that I knew it), something compelled me sit on the floor and call Remy over to engage in our special cuddle. She heavily came over and plopped down with her back against my leg and accepted the pets. I think somewhere inside, I heard her telling me that it was almost time. My denial got in the way I think. But at least, on her last day, we were able to perform our ritual that traced back to when she was a baby. It gives me some solace.

love you always Remy, love mama (Katie)

EB3EF936-0FBB-4691-AAE7-644EF061EA0A.jpeg  662AB0B7-5301-42DE-80FE-C6868B0D2195.jpeg 

My most beautiful Golden Retriever Remy: 8/1/09-3/17/2020. 
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chilover
Remysmom.

Sending you my condolences.
 
You definitely made the right decision and your baby is at peace. 
I want to say that loosing my furbaby was the hardest loss ever too... Unless someone is, or has been a pet parent, they will never even be able to begin to understand how difficult it is when we loose them..
You are going through so much right now but everyone here will support you

Thankyou for sharing these photos of Remy -what a beautiful girl...

Sending you comfort 
Angelina.
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LauriP92
Dear Remys mom
I read your post about how you had to take Remy to the ER only to have to put her to sleep and I started crying for you. I cannot imagine how scared and sad you were that night. And to make the decision on the fly you had to rely on your own instincts. And although our instincts are usually correct it is always natural to second guess our decisions. I'm so sorry for your loss and am sending you a big hug
Lauri
Lauri 
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lovedbuds
I’m sorry for your loss, RemysMom. I lost my dear Yorkie, Buddy, on Monday, so I’m in the throes of grief as well. I realized that there’s never enough time, never the perfect or “right” kind of goodbye, for this dear creature whom I loved so much and who loved me so much. From what you wrote, it’s clear that you did the best you could for Remy and your last transaction with her was love. My mind has been wracking up all kinds of what-ifs and harsh self-criticisms, so I’m trying hard to let my heart guide me back to love and letting that be the legacy, not the anguish. COVID19 is fogging up reality, it sort of preempts everything else. I’m finding that is making the grief even more difficult, and it feels like options for coping are hindered by the lockdown. I wish you the best in your pregnancy and beyond. And much peace, consoled by good memories. Take care.
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