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boots

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Reply with quote  #1 
Hi everyone.  I really need to vent some of this grief that I have inside. My heart feels like it's going to explode so I hope you don't mind that this might be long...I had to say goodbye to my little girl Boots this morning.  Boots was a cat that I adopted from my boyfriend a little over a year and a half ago.  She came to live with me because she and her sister were beginning to fight all the time and he needed to seperate the two, or bring one of them to the pound.  The thing was, this man should never have had any pets...because neither he nor his dimwitted ex wife had the common sense to ever spay them.  So they became very territorial with each other and were hurting each other as they got older.  So I took my love home with me to give her a good home and save her from being put to sleep.  Little did I know that not even 2 years later I would be the one putting her down...

Today is Thursday right?  Well on Tuesday morning this same week, she was fine.  She was jumping around the house, eating like the little fatty that she was and she was in good spirits.  Tuesday evening when I returned home from work she was acting a little under the weather.  Her eyes were runny so I thought she had a cold and attributed that to the fact that she didnt touch any of her food all day.  I thought little of it but I was concerned.  Wednesday she still hadnt eaten throughout the night, so I came home from work at lunchtime to check on her and she was on the bed where I left her that morning.  I thought then that something was wrong.  I talked to a few friends about it and they said it was probably allergies, to watch her.  So I decided to watch her closely and if this continued to Friday I would make an appointment to get her to a vet on Saturday.  Understand, this cat was never sick a day in her life.  So now my concern was growing.  I was really worried but didnt want to panic.  She fell asleep with me in my bed last night and when my alarm clock went off at 7am this morning all hell broke loose. I found my angel hiding in my closet, doused with her own fluids and moaning. I swear she was packed in the carry bag and in my car not 5 minutes after I woke up.  I drove her to the emergency vet and apparently her uterus was so swollen it was ready to burst.  The fluid that was coming out of her was pink - it looked like pepto bismol.  The doctor knew immediately what it was, and after 2 X rays, confirmed that she needed immediate surgery.  When I found out that it was going to cost me $1500 for the surgery, I almost passed out.  Everything was happening so fast, my head was spinning. I COULDNT BELIEVE THIS WAS ALL GOING DOWN!!!  So I called my wonderful boyfriend, I called my mom, and the general concensus was to put her down.  Nobody offered to help. I cried to the doctor.  He brought the price down to $800 - he was really trying to help me.  I just didnt have that much money on my credit card.  So I talked to him in detail about the procedure and what it would entail.  He said that this happens to female cats when they don't get spayed.  So how much am I hating my boyfriend right now?  He said that he had to perform the surgery SOON if he was going to do it or else she may not make it in time.  He told me that the surgery was very invasive...she would need a complete hysterectomy, have a long and arduous recovery and need to stay there for 2 days with fluids.  I asked him what the prognosis was about her recovery and he said there was risk with any surgery but it was a little higher because of her age, although he never knew a cat to die from this condition.  Then we looked at the X rays again and he pointed to a little circle inside her uterus and told me he didnt know what "that" was, that he would have to see when he opened her up.  I am assuming it could have been cancer but I just dont know.

Armed with all of the above information I again called my boyfriend and my mom and asked their opinion.  I would have literally blew through my card limit and savings account to save her and I would have done it - but they both asked me who I was going to save her for - her or myself...they told me not to put her through the pain and torture of having to recover from an operation of that magnitude - after all she was 12 years old...

I had to make that decision by myself, shocked that any of this was even happening, within 30 minutes of bringing her there because she was in pain.  I made the decision to put her down but I feel like a cheap A-hole who didnt want to go broke trying to save my best friend.  I hate the people around me who would not help me to help her and I am hating everyone right now including myself. 

This cat, even thought I didnt have her long, was my best friend.  I've known her for 4 years and lived with her for almost 2.  She was my "puppy" cat as I called her, because I think she thought she was a puppy!  I've never met a cat who would walk up to you, lay down next to you and lick you all over the face and hands!  She was my beauty and my angel and was there for me all the time.  We were very close.  Now I cannot reverse that decision that I feel I made in haste.  I attempted to go to work today because I couldnt bear coming home and being here without her but I had to leave because I was absolutely useless.  Of course, as I knew, when I came home I lost it and fell on the floor in a heap and cried and cried, calling her name.  The apartment is completely empty, devoid of any warmth whatsoever.  I have never felt the loss of anything so totally in all my life.  And I lost one other cat 5 years before.  He had diabetes for a year before I put him down, so I really feel that I did everything I could for him and I was mentally prepared when I put him down.  For my little girl - I feel I could have done more for her and now it's too late.  I wish we spent more time together.  I wish I didnt leave her alone for a night here and there while I spent time with friends in Long Island.  I wish I didnt yell at her last week when she jumped on the bed in the middle of the night and scared me.  I wish I'd given her a piece of the turkey burger she was begging for on Monday night.  If I only knew that I had a few more days, a few more hours, just one more night with her....I am in so much pain, my eyes are literally swollen shut from crying.  I cannot bear this.  I dont know how to feel and I'm still in shock that she is gone. I NEVER EXPECTED THAT SHE WOULD DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Now I'm questioning whether or not I did right by her but it's too late to go back.  She's gone and I will never be the same.  Never..

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This was my gorgeous baby girl Boots. I miss her so much.
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nicokudo

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Reply with quote  #2 
Hi,

First of all, let me say how truly sorry I am about the loss of your precious baby girl.  All of us here understand how devasted, lonely, angry, unsure of your decision you feel right now. When illnesses happen quickly, unfortunately we have to make decisions quickly.  It really sounds as though she might have had some kind of tumor or something inside the uterus. Sometimes things happen for a reason and I truly believe that this was your precious girl's time to leave.  In all likelyhood you saved her from alot of pain and agony.  I understand that you are angry with everyone in your life who would not help you financially, but for all you know the outcome might have been the same. 

Don't forget that the four years you knew her and the 2 years that you lived with her were the best years of her life.  She loved you unconditionally just as you loved her unconditionally.  We will never know on this side of eternity why things happen the way they do.  Know this though, she loves you still and always will. Just as you will continue to love her.

In truth, you will never be the same, but one day you will realize that this is not totally a bad thing.  You learned so much by having her as your friend. You grew as a person and will grow even more during the grieving process.  One day you may realize that part of her remains with you and that the person you will become is partly a reflection of the love that you two shared.  She will always be a part of who you are.We live longer than our babies do...there is nothing we can do to change that.  Each cat that you love in the future will be seen through the love that you have in your eyes for your precious baby.  She has given you a great gift.

You are in pain now, I understand that and realize that you won't know all of this for many months.  Grief,anger(all of those emotions) overwhelm us during this initial period.  Your baby girl is still with you, just not in a way that you are used to experiencing.  Stand in the sun, feel the warmth, think of her... watch the sunset as the sun slips out of sight and feel the coolness of a sunless sky,....you will feel her near you. One day many years in the future when your time here is done, you will see her again and understand why she needed to leave.

Never forget......SHE LOVES YOU STILL.

Karen



  



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Karen,Kudo and Nico's mom
Earth mom to Marco and Bella
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Krista

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Reply with quote  #3 
Hi Boots,
I am so sorry for your loss. From my own experience, and from all the other posts I have read on this forum over the last month, we all have had the intense feelings of guilt and second guessing our decisions. There are always could have, would haves and should haves. Our babies put their lives in our hands and we do what we think is best for them. Unfortunately that is not always easy. But we do what is best for them-and that is what you did for your baby girl. My baby passed away almost 5 weeks ago. I can tell you that the complete anguish does get a little better with time. The first days for me were unbearable and the first weeks we about the same. I have my moments now of remembering Clancey with happiness and not as much sadness. I know if doesn't seem like it now, but I hope that will happen for you as well. For now, I wish you peace. Hopefully you'll visit this forum often and by sharing more about Boots and reading other post, you can find some comfort. You are in good company here and we all understand your loss. Thinking of you,
Krista

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damselfly1213

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Reply with quote  #4 

I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through...it's a truly devastating loss. If it's any help...I once had a pet put to sleep because she needed surgery and I couldn't afford the vet bills. I vowed I'd never, ever, do that again...so when the situation arose with my Lucy - serious injury and nerve damage, I made a hasty decision and opted for the surgery, but in the end - she didn't recover. I wound up having to have her put to sleep anyway...I've beat myself up for having her put to sleep, and I've beat myself up for putting her through the surgery and all that followed...I guess we'll always second guess ourselves, because we love our fur kids. I hope you find some peace... I'm reading a good book right now: Surviving the Heartbreak of Choosing Death for your Pet by Linda Peterson (it's helping).

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boots

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Reply with quote  #5 

I wanted to thank the three people who have replied to this post so far.  Reading your comments made my heart feel light for a few minutes, which was a much needed break from the pain I'm going through.  I can't even cry anymore...my eyes are practically swollen shut.  I've been up all night - not going to work today. I miss her so terribly.  During the night I almost called out to her to join me because I woke up and couldnt sleep.  I forgot she wasnt here.  I'm trying to keep myself positive, that she's in a better place but I'm struggling.  Seeing the words that were replied here is keeping me sane.  Thank you guys.  I will keep reading the new threads :)  It does help to know I've got some sort of support out there.  Thank you again (((hugs)))


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This was my gorgeous baby girl Boots. I miss her so much.
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damselfly1213

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Reply with quote  #6 

@Boots -- a few days after my Lucy's passing, I had a book club meeting scheduled. I still felt deep grief, hadn't finished the book, was emotionally exhausted, and, in short, the last thing I wanted to do was go to a book club meeting. But I made myself get out of the house and go anyway, and it was the best thing I could have done right then. It got me out of the house and around people, and it took my mind off my sadness for a while. I think that's the way to recover -- let yourself grieve, but take care of yourself, also. Boots would want that for you :)

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