donnalee
This doesn't need to be a long thread.  I'm not really one to start a new post of my own but I just feel like I need to write about my day and get it out.  I guess my point, if I even have one, is that the healing process goes on for a long time and I'm certainly not completely through it after 5months.  The good days definitely outnumber the bad days.  However, the bad days or even just bad moments can pop up anytime you don't expect it but it is all part of the healing. 
I had a bad day today.  There are all these budget cuts happening in education here in Texas and positions are being cut from the small school where I have worked for about 20 years.  Four people at my school lost their positions today and 2 of them have worked there for  30 years.  And there is the possibility of more...we really don't know.  So, it was a really sad day, nobody was expecting that.  As I was driving home, they were on my mind and I was worried about what they must be going through.  Then I got stuck in traffic on the freeway.  Stuck---like not moving at all.  That's normal for driving in the city, but, I got stuck right by the animal hospital where they did those horrible tests on Scottie that paralyzed him.  As I sat there, I just stared at that place (I usually go by so fast and don't even look at it) and, for some reason, it was like it all came flooding back---the anger at them for not telling me upfront how horrible the tests were, the guilt for putting him through it, how he didn't want to stay and he tried so hard to cling to me but I thought if we could find out what was wrong with him, the doctors might be able to help him so I made him stay, then how he was when we picked him up the next day...not even able to stand on his hind legs but still loving and trusting us even after all that....all of those thoughts and feelings that I thought were gone but I guess they were lurking down there somewhere....so I had an unexpected meltdown while I sat in traffic on the freeway.   Even after I got home, the tears just keep coming.  I'm sure it is a combination of everything happening now at work too.   Then, when I'm tired and/or stressed, the old Scottie tears come back easily. The truth is that Scottie would have died anyway, he was very sick with an auto-immune disorder.  It wasn't like the animal hospital killed him, but, the quality of his last 2 weeks were much worse than they would have been otherwise, in my opinion.  Well, I thought I had let all that go.  I guess now I need to let it go AGAIN from a deeper level.   
Anyway, I'm taking 2 Nytol and going to sleep.  It was an exhausting day.  I'm ok, I just needed to put my thoughts on paper.  Please don't feel you have to respond.  It's just so comforting to know you all are there and that I have friends here that truly understand the ups and the downs that are inevitable as we go through our grieving and healing together.   I feel better already.  
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tikibarb
Sometimes we need to just get it off our chest.  I hope you had a good nights rest and wish you a better day.
Barbara Lyngarkos
My Beloved Ted 8/7/2005 - 7/7/10
http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/TED001/Resident.htm
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donnalee
Thank you barb...I appreciate that.

(Hey, I must have gotten it all out.  That is the shortest post I've ever written!)
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Leigh
Years ago, my sister made her three year old daughter a dress.  Sis put the dress on her daughter and sent her out to show us how pretty it was.  This little child told me she "really, really hated this ugly dress".  Her final comment before she flounced back to the bedroom was, "There...I said it and I'm glad".  lol 
That's the way I feel when I write.  "There...I said it and I'm glad".  Just getting it off my chest helps a lot.
Hope you have a good, restful sleep, donnalee.


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judylinn
I agree. saying it and knowing someone is listening, is really good. I think healing happens at different levels, it may be that this all happened by the vets office, and it gave you the opportunity for more healing.
That's a tough one at school. I will keep you in my prayers. love and hugs to you. Judy
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DebbieD
I think in addition to having to sit there and look at that hospital where you have felt guilt about the procedure, you were feeling some of the 'survivor guilt' about the layoffs at school. They say that people who are left after a layoff can often feel this. So you may have had that guilt started and then had to be stuck and looking at that hospital and it all came flooding back.

I hope you got a good night's sleep and will have a better day today.
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donnalee
Thanks to all for just being there.  

DebbieD, I didn't think of that but I think you are exactly right about the survivor's guilt.  Thanks for your insight....that can help me sort things out because I don't think it is over at school yet. 

Leigh,
Lately, the way you write gives me a smile or laugh.  How cute your niece must be....."out of the mouths of babes".  Children often say what we want to say but don't!  
When you write, I can always picture it.....like your description of Mary loudly smacking on the carrots.  Before that it was your description of how you cried in front of your  husband, on the side of him, in back of him, on top of him, etc.    Even though the topic we are writing about is so sad, I love it that your sense of humor shines through!
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GrievingGinger
The thing with grief is it's like a roller coaster of emotions. At first you are all down and that's all you see. Then some small ups come and you are shocked to see them. Eventually the ride levels out, but once in a while a down will come and hit you out of nowhere. The key is to remember that if there were some ups in the past, there will be ups in the future again.

Sorry to hear about what's going on at work :( Hope things work out for the best!

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Boogie
It was probably a good thing that you were forced to sit in front of that place and go through it again....painful as it was. That's how we heal, by continuing to confront and go through the bad stuff. If you always avoided looking at the place when you went by you were also avoiding the emotions.

My vet's place is a big university vet department and I live a few hundred yards from it. I remember that last walk there with Boogie where she could barely breathe but I thought we were going to go have it, the minor it, fixed. I never knew it would be our last walk together, otherwise I'd walked with her in a wholly different way. Like sat down and told her how much I love her....you know what I mean. 

Unless I totally cut out a quarter of my geographic circumference I'm forced to go by that place quite often, even walk part of the walk we walked together. It's hard, but repeating it has brought more peace to my mind. I never not think about our last walk, though. It's ok.....it's part of the process. 

I know it's tough, tough, tough, but I hope you'll feel better tomorrow.  


My Boogie died on 3/25/2010. She was the best dog anybody could ask for. I will be with her again when my time comes.



A drawing of Pax by Heather Spears. She specializes in bereavement and is wonderful to work with, she understands how we feel. She can be reached at spears.heather@gmail.com
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nicokudo
donnalee,

Sorry to hear that you had such a bad day.  Just remember this bad day is behind you and you won't have to do it again.  Grieving is a long process, a winding path that seems to take forever to end.  I have a theory about meltdowns in the 6 month range.  When we first lose our babies every day is bad and we just get used to misery every day.  As we start to get better, have more good days than bad, the melt downs almost seem to get worse.  When you're miserable and have a meltdown there isn't too far to fall.  But when you're starting to feel better, a meltdown feels like a free fall, because there is now a long way to fall.  You're getting better each day, it just didn't feel like it today.

Thinking of you.

Karen


Karen,Kudo and Nico's mom
Earth mom to Marco and Bella
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TootiesGuardian
Of course we're going to respond to you, sweet lady!  I'm glad that it helped to get your thoughts and feelings written out.  I'm learing too that there are good days and bad days with the grieving process.  I had some bad days this week.  Then there are days when I'm coping ok.  I'm still very sad and depressed but not balling my eyes out.

My sister-in-law whose in the grief share class told me that is very normal while grieving.  She said there will be days when whe cope ok and feel some peace and comfort.  Then we will have bad days and on those days we will feel bad for not feeling bad on the good days.  She says it's important to not feel that way and not beat ourselves up for having the better days. 

I'm so sorry for what your beloved Scottie endured.  I know it's awful to feel that we can't save our furbabies.  I wish so much that none of our darlings every endured any pain and could live with us as long as we are alive.

I hope things don't get worse at your work place.  I sure hope it doesn't effect you personally.

xoxo,

Sherry 
Tootie ~ Sep. 1, 2000 - Sep. 4, 2010
Shine on you beautiful diamond!
Blueboy ~ Feb. 14, 1989 - Dec. 31, 1993
Always in my heart!
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