dbroomfield
This has been a terrible week. My guilt really overtook me. I keep thinking of my last moments with baby before she crossed rainbow bridge, I know it’s been 3 weeks, but the guilt never seems to leave me, I still cry every day, every night, the guilt never leaves, I feel empty inside, I feel I let her down cause I didn’t let her go sooner.For no reason, I will see her little face in her last seconds, wondering if she was scared, again questioning myself, did I hold on to long. I had no idea she had old dog demincha, she has been blind but vet said blind dogs lean to adapt and a blind dog can live a normal life. Baby was 17 when she passed, i have had her since she was 8 weeks old, I thought reason she seemed so confused was her age and being blind, I never thought her quality of life was over, she was eating, able to go potty on her own, I had to carry her out cause she was blind, but she ate good. She seemed to be getting lost in the house more often , would stand in one spot for a long time, I would go get her pick her up and took her in bedroom with me, she slept with me all those 17 years. I never once thought her quality of life was over, and surely had no idea old dog dementia was even such a thing. Why didn’t I see early on her quality of life was gone, I was so selfish I didn’t even consider I was holding her back from going to heaven, I don’t know why I can’t get past thing terrible feeling. She never acted like she was ever suffering, she never whined or anything, I swear I had no idea her quality of life was gone, why didn’t I see the signs , but a few days before I had to let her go, she started throwing up clear liquid, had a little diarrhea, stupid selfish me thought it was something she ate, cause she went to bed and seemed fine, but next day was horrible, she was throwing up clear puddles of clear liquid, the diarrhea started again ,and I never seen so much diarrhea, I called my vet, and got her in, and dr sue said I had to let baby go, they took her back and wrapped her tiny body in a towel, they had given her the first injection that made her sedated, as I held her on my lap I seen her blink for the last time, vet said baby would be gone before she even finished the injection, and that was it, she was gone, after she passed as I was holding her she had diarrhea all over me. I don’t know how or why she got sick so suddenly. I asked my vet, and she really didn’t have a answer, said maybe pancritis, she said that comes on quick, but still no explication that I could understand. She told me I could have spent thousands of dollars on vet bills, do test, medication, but nothing was going to bring back my baby to the dog she was, and I had to let her go. I can’t get these memories of her last moments, and I still see her walking around the house, standing in one spot confused. And I was so stupid and selfish that I didn’t know my baby was existing not living. If it wasn’t for fact she got sick, I would still have her, but everyone ask me would I want baby back and let her to continue to live in a world where she was blind, deaf, and constantly confused, and I wouldn’t. I pray and pray for God to get me past this horrible feeling that I let her down by not seeing sooner that it was her time. I don’t know what to do, I try doing things to take my mind off her, but I can’t move on. I have become a nuisance to my family cause I have these breakdowns, and now instead of helping me, all I hear is I have to let go, I have to accept fact baby is gone and never coming back. Sometimes I wish I could just run away someplace to escape these feelings. Sorry this was so long, I just feel dead inside, I feel like no one cares or understands, that’s why I come here, cause I know everyone here feels guilt and grief, I wish I could let go but I can’t
Diane Broomfield
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CeeCeesMom
Hi Diane, I'm so sorry about the loss of your precious dog and that you're feeling so horribly guilty.  I hope I can give you some words of comfort.  I've spent some time with people who have dementia and also used to work in a nursing home.  Just because a person or a dog has dementia, it doesn't mean they've gone or exited.  They still have deep feelings and are often capable of enjoying some of the simple pleasures of life such as eating their favorite foods and being with people who treat them with love and kindness.  From reading your posts, it sounds like you gave your baby girl a beautiful, wonderful, happy life.  You wrote that you didn't realize her quality of life was over but that's probably because it wasn't over.  If she was still eating, able to potty on her own and spending time with you, she still had good quality of life.  You gave her loving kindness for 17 years and it sounds like she was enjoying her favorite foods up until a couple of days before she passed away.  You didn't wait too long to get her to the vet.  Plenty of people wait until the next day after a dog or cat has thrown up - or sometimes even longer, to see if they will get better on their own.  Dogs and cats are very good about hiding their illnesses until they reach a critical point.  And once your baby reached that critical point, you and your vet acted quickly to humanely euthanize her.
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BorderCollieLover
Diane:

  Let me first say that you are a wonderful, conscientious human being. The very idea that your baby lived to be (17) means that you were a terrific pet parent. You made a lot of sacrifices to keep your beloved baby comfortable for a lot of years. I commend you on that. I know your pain is excruiating and seems like it will never let up. I can relate. I'm feeling many of the same emotions right now. Every day. Non-stop. It's horrible.  Yes, and it can seem like family and friends can only handle so much of it. They tell you to "Move on" You are a very intelligent person and intuitively know that you are not ready to let go yet. And you shouldn't. Please allow yourself all the time in the world to grieve, Yes, it's going to be painful but you are an exceptional person and will come to terms with this when you are ready. I am glad that you came to this Forum. Please post often and let us know what you are feeling. All of us understand. You have a lot of people who care about you.  
\
Jim
Jim Miller
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dbroomfield
I think instead of getting better, I am getting worst, I don’t know what to do anymore, this guilt is the worst guilt I have ever had in my life, I keep having visions of baby, sometimes I have visions of her roaming the house, then I have visions of taking her to vet. The vision of her passing stabs me constantly, when baby passed she lost control of her bowels, I ask myself the same question over and over, why did I hold on so long, I should have noticed something before she got sick, I feel selfish, I should of noticed something, I was always afraid I was going to put her down to soon, she had a great appetite, she was able to potty of her own, I had to carry her outside cause she was blind, but she was able to potty on her own,why didn’t I do research when she first started acting confused, I could have known then she had old dog dementia, instead I blamed it on getting old, I think of the nights she would roam around the house, but everytime she looked confused I would pick her up and take her in bedroom. I ask myself, was I being selfish because I was afraid to accept it was time and I just didn’t want to let go?And I always believed as long as a dog still loves to eat, you should not have to put them down if they still eating. I didn’t know, I am so stupid, why did I hold on so long, why did it take her getting sick and severe diarrhea for me to realize I held her back, I loved her so much, I remember asking my vet at her last check up, how will I know when to let her go, she said I will know when the time is right. I would pray every night asking God to please send me a sign when it’s time to let baby go, and give me the strength to do it and strength to get through it. When she got severe diarrhea I knew she was sick, and I got her to vet and they put her to sleep. I can’t get past all the what if’s, and what could have been done differently. It seems she went down hill so fast, one day she eating next she is having severe diarrhea, and gone forever. Now I pray asking God to help me with this guilt, I don’t know what to do, I cry uncontrollably, I can’t eat cause when I do I get sick, my family tell me if I don’t snap out of it I will end up in the hospital, I am trying, i pray every night for strength to let go of this guilt, I feel sometimes like I am going crazy, asking for prayers and guidance, if not for the help I get from everyone on here, I don’t know what I would do, thank you for the support I get from all the loving and kind people on here.
Diane Broomfield
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BorderCollieLover
Diane:

  I don't think you're getting worse. You are still coming to terms about what has happened. It's still raw. The images are still fresh in your mind. Just the idea that you are still posting here means that you are dealing with your grief. You haven't given up. You are going down a very rocky road filled with all kinds of obstacles and set-backs. It's going to be hard for a while, maybe, a long while but you are going to be okay.  I know it doesn't seem like that now but ultmately you will be emotionally healthy again. Stay strong.

Jim
Jim Miller
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teenyweenybb
Sometimes I wonder who else is with me in my crying and tears!! Someone seems to be telling me I am not alone in those feelings!!! Smile and remember Love!!!! rainbow crying.jpg  oz and rainbow.jpg 
our love baby
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Memories_of_Marmalade

Dear Diane,

I am so sorry to learn of what your beloved went through and what you have had to endure. One of the most important things many of us have learned here on the forum is "No matter the decision, you are going to feel guilty."

If you had put your beloved down sooner? Years prior? You would have felt that same regret but instead of guilt over waiting to long, it would be for having put your beloved to sleep too soon.

The endless 2nd guessing is part of the grieving process. It is one of the hardest, most difficult feelings to process during the grief process. As they say, "Grief is like a wave, sometimes it ebbs around our legs, at times it rises and comes up to your necks and at other times it washes over us and knocks us to our knees, and we can't breath." What others have written and experienced here, and what I personally have experienced and am experiencing is - you just have to ride the waves out. The small ones and the big, overwhelming ones. I'm 5 months into the grieving process, and those big waves still come, but less often. Many of the long-term Vets who post here will attest that "This too shall pass." You have to ride it out. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, night by night, and yes...month by month. But again..."This too shall pass."

When it comes to Dementia, as you must have read, at times those suffering CAN have moments of clarity and even joy. So no doubt your beloved had those moments too in the final years of her life. Especially when cuddling with you. 

Travel through time. With each moment that passes, you are getting closer and closer to healing. Your mind and body have a built in healing mechanism. Just by "being" you are allowing it to heal you.

Kind regards & my sincerest condolences,
James
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