MunchkinMommy Show full post »
MunchkinMommy
Thank you Patches Mum for your encouraging words. They help me to keep moving. Yes I am enjoying happy thoughts here and there - not sure I’m further along than you. I don’t feel like I’m in hell, it’s more of a sad reality. I still cry daily but I am not in that constant loop of self-punishment. I miss her sooo much and probably will continue to do so. I decided I just don’t want her existence to end up being disrespected or denied. I want to it to be that I learned from her little being to be a better me. You will feel better in time. Since you loved patches so much I’m sure the pain is terrible but with each passing day, you won’t feel as horrible. It’ll come bit by bit. 
 
Thank you EM for your understanding words. Even up to 2 weeks ago I would’ve protested your guidance to not hold grudges with other animals. But you’re right, they go by their instincts. I think as I continue to grow and understand this world a little better and accept that God has plans that I don’t necessarily agree with, I’ll %100 forgive myself, my partner, and pitty. I was reading a quote that said “heaven is full of people who have forgiven themselves, hell is full of people who have not.” I hope you allow yourself more time and opportunities to get reprieve from anymore guilt or regret. Our babies don't want us spending lots of time on that.
 
Prayers to both of you, that you heal, that you have more laughter and less tears in time. 
Munchkin Mommy
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EM
That's very nice of you to say that. I truly appreciate your kindness. I do forgive myself but I feel so responsible for my pet's illness. It could very well just be my mind conjuring this guilt or it can be somewhat valid. Then again, we can all say that very same thing. Considering how vulnerable animals are, we are all directly or indirectly responsible in some kind of way. According to my faith though, I believe in God's will, thus, yes, since He forgave me, I forgive me.
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MunchkinMommy
Hello.

When I started writing this I think I intended to include mostly strides I had made. But that doesn't show the whole picture. Yes I am feeling better with each week but it's still really difficult. It's been over 3 months since my beloved kitty Munchkin was killed. Today I read something about self-forgiveness that I might help me. It suggested to face the things I'm responsible for and address the shame and guilt associated with those regretful actions. Well, I spoke to an old friend about what happened so that I could bring everything to light. She didn't totally let me off the hook too quickly. In fact she couldn't believe what I had done and then we talked through it. I have not mentioned this, but since my 20's I had declawed my kitties. I thought it was okay to do. Now looking back, it was the WRONG thing to do. I don't judge people who declaw their kitties if that gives the kitty a better home, but for me it was WRONG. My kitty munchkin was declawed. It was stupid and selfish, especially because in the end she had no way of protecting her precious self. I feel horrible and have felt horrible ever since she was killed. I can't take back my actions, I can't undo the damage. I'm already punished for my stupid and cruel actions because her absence is excrutiating. I didn't mean to hurt my baby. I never never never would hurt my baby. I loved her and still love her. She is MY baby. Anyway, I am facing all the bad decisions I made and want forgiveness. I feel like I almost don't deserve forgiveness but I know I will grow angry and bitter if I don't forgive myself. The world is full of people who hate themselves and I don't want to add to that number. I hope God forgives me for not honoring one of his lovely creatures, I hope I eventually forgive myself, and I know Munchkin forgives me cuz she was all good and was the kind of angel that would forgive almost anything. If you judge me, i think that's okay cuz I made the kid of mistakes that many people on this forum make.  
Munchkin Mommy
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MunchkinMommy
In my last post I talked about how I made mistakes. To clarify, I felt it was okay for others to judge my actions because I made the kind of mistakes NOT a lot of pet owners make. If you read my story, you will find that the lapse in judgment you might've made surrounding your pet's accidental death is easily forgivable. In my case, I made a two huge lapses in judgment that robbed me of more time with my baby.

I miss my Munchkin and dreamt about her two days ago. I was holding her and pet her little face gently, she looked like the precious angel she always was. The good I remember about her today - her little face looking at me when I would feed her or pet her. I saw a shooting star last night and it reminded me of her. My precious Munchkin. Let not my mistakes erase your goodness and your sweetness that you brought during your lifetime - my hopes are that your goodness and sweetness still thrive in this life without your physical furry body.

Munchkin Mommy
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Weepatchesoflove
Hey Munchkin mommy
I hope today is going ok for you?
I have read your post a few times and I really, really hope you are not blaming your self over the declawing - feeling like that had added to what happened. You said earlier you declawed from a young age. I am pretty sure (from the love that is absolutely apparent from your posts) you believed that it was the right thing to do. Any more than that you chose to live in the place you live in..... Would you blame that. I am sure we all could find something (my list would prob be much more than one) that we have done wrong in regards to our pets, that if we had done may have meant we had them longer. Humans seem to want to hurt them selves and cause ourselves problems. I also kind of think we have a set, I don't know, "time" maybe? If it's for you , it won't go by you kind of thing. I think that there was nothing you or any one could have done to change this.
I also think that Munchkin was giving you a sign, a sign that showed how happy and well she is now. I think she was trying to tell you to stop blaming yourself. You gave her a wonderful and loving life and she is now at peace, happy and perfect again. The only thorn would be, you are not there. But you will at the right time and then, can you imagine that day!
She is your baby and always will be. I know not everyone gets this. I unfortunately have many family and friends who don't get this. If I could be bothered arguing the point, which they would not get anyway, I would say "if you lose a parent, are they no longer your parents?" Which we all know the answer to.
I hope you enjoy reliving your dream and how lucky to see a shooting star!
Take care and best wishes
Michelle &Patches
Patches mum
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MunchkinMommy
Michelle &Patches,

Thank you for your reply. It helps when other people (outside of myself) show compassion. This must be what are pets try to teach us - to be compassionate. This is an unwanted journey. I hope you are feeling better about your wee Patches and spending lots of time on compassion for yourself as you have shown me. Take care everyone.
Munchkin Mommy
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Weepatchesoflove
Hi there MunchkinMommy
I hope you are doing ok and that the start of,your week has been manageable and,you are finding some peace
Take care and best wishes
Michelle &Patches xx
Patches mum
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