CPapa
Easier said than done, I know.  I don't want to eat but I am forcing myself to eat something.  Sleep is important too and have some sleep aids to get me to sleep.  But I don't stay asleep and I am awakened by nothing but pining for my doxie.  

In fact, going to bed and snuggling with my Coco was my favorite of all things in life.  I could feel her warm little body resting in the small of my back and it was blissful.  Tomorrow morning will mark exactly 2 weeks from awaking to a new day when she jumped down from bed and was suddenly paralyzed.  She had done it hundreds of times, but this one jump was the end of her life.  She spent 10 days with my vet before it became evident that she had lost the feeling in her hind legs and wasn't going to recover.  I knew better than to let her do it.  She had back problems the last 3 years at least for a narrowed disc.  I should have put a mattress on the floor and never put her back on a heightened bed or sofa.  I am punishing myself now for that selfishness.  Had she not made that fatal leap, she would be with me this moment and our lives would still be together.  Instead she was paralyzed, lost the ability to get rid of her body waste, and finally had a full seizure on the morning the vet called to say that it was time to probably let her go.

That is part of the grieving process.  The guilt of being responsible is unbearable for me.  It hurts me so.  I was too weak and selfish to avoid her injuring herself.  I cannot replace her.  The urge to find me another puppy or a shelter dog will not bring her back to me.  From what I have read, it would be wrong to bring home another dog for company because another pet would not be her.  And I would expect them to be, and they couldn't be.  Coco was a soul and they are another soul.  Two different souls with different habits and personalities.  Perhaps completely different and I would soon and quickly realize that they can't replace her.  I am dying inside.  I am told that we must face our grief and live with it.  It is a vital part of the strength and fierceness of our love for them.  To try to escape it is not showing our departed pet the love they deserved.  But the tears and pain don't recede.  It's a testament of our deep love for them I suppose.  
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P_Mom
Dear CPapa, I'm so sorry about your little Doxie.  You can't blame yourself - dogs especially small ones, are nearly impossible to keep from jumping.  I know because I have 2 Chihuahua mixes. Patch was my beautiful boy I lost at 15 and his hind legs started weakening I feel from jumping.  I try to keep my other boy Sam who is 12 from jumping and can't.  I have doggie stairs in multiple places and instead of using them, he'll jump up/down right next to them. I know we all do it, buy try not to blame yourself for this.  None of us here did everything right and if we could do over again - we all would. Keep eating and try to get some rest.  XO
Jennifer
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CPapa
Thank you for your kindness.  I know.  I just keep reliving that moment in my mind and trying to undo it.  If only I could.  I know exactly what you mean about them jumping anyway despite the ladder provided.  I can just see it.  I bet they just have no fear and want to get down quicker.:)  
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