angela_24
Tomorrow will be three weeks since we lost our beloved Baylee suddenly after she suffered seizures back to back. We never knew anything was wrong with her until this happened. She was an active, happy baby girl. We had just recently moved and she had started acting strange. We figured that it was the move that had her irritable and she was just adjusting. We gave her about a week and she started acting like she didn't feel well...and was having trouble with stiff back legs. I made an appointment for her to be seen and she died that very night. We still do not know what happened, but speculation is either a brain tumor or stroke. After her first seizure that night, we rushed her to the vet. Her bloodwork came back fine and the doctor diagnosed it as epilepsy. He said it was very common and he seemed to think that she would be fine. He sedated her so she could rest and sent her back home. Not even an hour after we got her back home, she seized again. We picked her up to take her back to the animal ER and she just stopped breathing. I am so lost and devastated. I blame myself for not knowing there was something wrong. I put all I have into making sure my babies are healthy and happy...and I could not save her. How do I go on like this? I spend all my time now researching, trying to figure out what happened. Looking back, I recognize a few times she may have had mini seizures. She was very active and she could get worked up sometimes because she would be so excited to see someone or be out in public. Being a Pit, she had some strength behind her when she'd pull on her leash. A few times she'd pull so hard that it seemed she would lose her breath a bit, but now after reading...I believe they were mini seizures. None of them lasting more than just a few seconds or til she stopped pulling so hard. No one, not even my friends in rescue or vet techs thought anything about it other than she just would get worked up. I feel like I should have known. Maybe we could have saved her or at least allowed her to leave this world in a more peaceful way if it was something as bad as a tumor. I just do not know how to stop blaming myself and it is tearing me apart. She was a very special girl and has been by my side since I started rescue in 2009 as an ambassador for Pit Bulls. She helped change minds and advocate for change. I cannot believe that we only got 5 short years with this Angel. I miss her so much it 379748_525356584166518_1977766991_n.jpg  physically hurts.  

"And can it be that in a world so full and busy, the loss of one creature makes a void so wide and deep that nothing but the width and depth of eternity can fill it up!" ~Charles Dickens

Angela 

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Dalidog
Your Baylee is beautiful.  I'm so sorry for you loss, but you are at the right forum.  Everyone here has experienced that loss of a forever pet.  We all feel guilt, that is a part of grief.  I too lost my Dali, whom I thought was very healthy.  I thought she was feeling a little under the weather ---  we too had just moved and were very busy. I waited a day or two as she was eating and walking and acting normal, but I thought she had a cold.  I took her to the vet on a Friday morning, she walked in and seemed okay.  They gave her a shot and prescription (10 days) and sent me home.  Gave her meds that night, slept with her, seemed okay.  The next morning she didn't eat, but I didn't think much of it as she rarely ate a lot and thought the pills might make her under the weather.  Soon after I left, and then within an hour my daughter came to get me and said Dali had died.  I feel so guilty for not knowing she was sick, not being there.  The what ifs will drive you nuts.  Write to your baby Baylee, sing to her, talk to her, scream, cry...do whatever you need to and grieve in your own way at your own speed.  Our babies are a little bit of heaven and God takes them back way too quickly.  My heart goes out to you and Baylee, I know how you feel.  Take care of yourself for your Baylee.  Hugs

Dali, as much a daughter as any human...  pure love
Until we meet again

http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/DALI003/Resident.htm

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Missingher
Oh what a face!! I'm sorry you are so sad. I lost my Lucy in September and share your pain and guilt. This has hands down been the hardest experience in my life and sometimes it just consumes me. I think researching is just a way for you to feel connected. It's a way to feel like you are still doing something as the mom of your sweet girl. What if you start researching something different "ways to know your pet loves you" or "how to accept the loss of a pet". I know how ridiculous that sounds but think it could help. This way you are still focusing on her but hopefully not beating yourself up. I hope you are able to find peace with her passing and understand that it really isn't your fault. My Lucy went very fast and I try to remind myself that this meant she lived her life until it wasn't good anymore. And even though her absence hurts it would of killed me to see her in pain or unhappy for longer. You just never know how thing would of turned out had you known. This really could be the "best" for her. I know it hurts!
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loft2111
She is beautiful and I love her markings.  My Little Man passed on 10/1 and he suffered with seizures for the almost 5 years that we had him.  Do not question yourself, you knew Baylee enough to know when she was having a seizure, they are hard to miss.  There are mini seizures that can take place, Little Man would have some, very rare but he did have them.  They were more like a tremble, a twitch in his head, glazed eyes, nothing what you described Baylee as having. LM also had hind leg problems, some from phenobarbital but those side effects subsided and before he passed his back legs were in terrible shape.  My research and in speaking with neurosurgeons, there are signs of a brain tumor.  When a tumor gets large enough it starts pushing different parts of the brain, they may cause personality changes and changes in gait, to name a few. We will never know why our LM passed, it was speculated that it was a tumor as well.  Seizures are never a good sign, especially a sudden onset.  There is no way you could have known she was sick so don't blame yourself.  The night before our LM was euthanized he had 8 seizures, even a high dose of Valium that we administered rectally did nothing to break the violent seizures.  I was praying that he would pass on his own that I did not have to make the horrible decision of letting him go, but I could no longer watch him seize and be in so much pain and discomfort.  We all blame ourselves and the what if's will truly never go away.  You have to start believing that you did everything you could for your Baylee and it was her time just like it was my Little Man's time. 
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patent123
You can't blame yourself for not recognizing an illness.  I had two dogs growing up who were fine and as fast as flipping a light switch things changed.  Things can happen suddenly in dogs that give us no time to fix them.  Dogs are also good at hiding things from us or masking the severity of things.  It also doesn't help that they can't physically tell us whats wrong.  So although you feel like you failed for not catching this early on don't.  When it became clear that she needed help you did everything right you took her in and did what you could.  Trust me she knows you tried. I felt like I failed my girl when I couldn't fix her back injury so I understand how it feels being helpless to fix a loved one.  Its hard when you don't get 14+years with your friend...I only got 6 years with my girl so I understand how hard it is to have to say good bye when they are still so young.  I've learned through others here though that no amount of time is enough. Its the only bad thing about having animals in our life...they don't live as long as we do.  Just know you did get 5 great years with your beautiful friend.  When everything happened I was devastated and I'm still sad but looking back I would relive it all over again because we shared an amazing journey.  Try and focus on the good times as hard as it maybe and know shes still with you in spirit and we are here when you need someone to talk to.
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angela_24

Dalidog,

Thank you so much. I am so sorry you lost your baby. It is a hurt that I wish on no one. I see that our situations are somewhat similar. I feel the guilt every day as well and moving on has been so hard. I am trying to do better with the “what if’s.” I wish I could say that it doesn’t consume me most of the time, but it still does…only a little less every day. Thank you for responding. Seeing the response from everyone here, I realize I am certainly not alone and that there are so many beautiful souls here mourning the loss of their babies. I wish we never knew what it is like to grieve…to lose them, but that’s just not how life works. It warms my heart that there are people like you in the world and the people in this forum. I was blown away by the beautiful responses I have received and it has helped me so much. I took your advice and wrote Baylee a letter…I stuck it in her Christmas stocking that hurt so much to hag this year. It was the most therapeutic thing I have done since her passing three weeks ago. Thank you. Bless you and your sweet fur baby and thank you for caring enough to give such a beautiful response.  

"And can it be that in a world so full and busy, the loss of one creature makes a void so wide and deep that nothing but the width and depth of eternity can fill it up!" ~Charles Dickens

Angela 

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angela_24

Missingher,

I’m so sorry for the recent loss of your sweet Lucy. I am right there with you on this being the hardest experience in my life and it consumes me as well. I have lost before…people I care about and even other fur babies, but nothing has hit me like the Baylee’s death. I have been very lucky to have two wonderful heart dogs and they grew up together. I envisioned us spending many many years with them. It sent a shock right through me when Baylee died. My family was no longer whole…my heart feels no longer whole. I know she is there…and it is selfish of me to need to hold her, touch her…see her. I pray for the strength everyday to accept the fact it was her time and quit feeling so guilty. I think your suggestion is wonderful. I am starting today with a new research topic and allowing the need to know about her death rest as well. It is weird…it was like I was searching for a reason to blame myself. The guilt I have felt needed to be justified. It doesn’t though. We may always feel the guilt because they left our lives so fast and never really had a why, but you are right…I do the best I could for her and I pray she knows that I tried and that if I could make it better, I would. I also realize what is meant to be will always find a way. Our Angels were called home and we will see them again someday. Thank you for your response and taking time to write. This forum has really helped me. So many beautiful people here. I hope in time your pain eases as well and you find peace. Blessings! 

"And can it be that in a world so full and busy, the loss of one creature makes a void so wide and deep that nothing but the width and depth of eternity can fill it up!" ~Charles Dickens

Angela 

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angela_24

Loft2111

Thank you so much! She was such a vibrant beautiful soul…on the outside as well as inside. I am so sorry about your recent loss. I know it is hard for you and thank you for taking time out to respond with very helpful information. In my researching, I have pretty much narrowed it down to a brain tumor, but hearing this really leads me to believe that it is what took her. Especially with how fast it came on. I feel like she seized as you described LM doing. She had numerous seizures, they sedated her and thought she would come out of it and just did not. I only regret letting her suffer through them all instead of making the decision to euthanize and let her slip away peacefully. The Doc didn’t seem to think there was anything to worry about and we trusted in that. He was very shocked to hear she passed and that’s when the brain tumor possibility was mentioned. I know you say you wished he had passed on without having to make the decision to euthanize…please please never feel guilty about making that decision. You cared enough for him to ease his pain and suffering. You knew and had the opportunity I wish I could have given my sweet baby girl. I’m sorry you had to make such a hard decision and that your sweet man passed. It is hard to watch them suffer. I replay that night in my head with horror many times a day. When she died in my arms…it was the most horrid, beautiful, despised, appreciated moment of my life. We were taking her back to the Animal ER and I guess she knew…so she made the decision to die in my arms. Hard as it is, I have those precious last moments. And so do you. Bless you for responding and taking time to help. It means a lot to me that there are such wonderful caring people here. Thank you. 

"And can it be that in a world so full and busy, the loss of one creature makes a void so wide and deep that nothing but the width and depth of eternity can fill it up!" ~Charles Dickens

Angela 

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angela_24

Patent123

Thank you for responding. You are so right about dogs masking pain or illness. Baylee was tough girl and would play hard, we always had to watch her after a play session to make sure she didn’t hurt herself. We had ways of knowing when she was in pain…she wouldn’t eat; which is something she had kept on doing the days leading up to her passing. With the move and her rough and tumble ways playing with her big ball…we thought maybe she had hurt her leg or pulled a muscle. We made an appointment as soon as we realized something was really not right and she died that very night. I’m sorry you lost your baby girl so early as well. It is very hard to not feel robbed of the short time we already have with them…then to lose them at 5 or 6, it can seem so unfair. I know you feel blessed to have had the time with your girl and I certainly do as well. I just recently had the very thought you stated in your response, that I would do it again. Live through the entire thing again because I am a better person for having her in my life. She taught me so much and made me so proud. We are the lucky ones…those of us who have loved a dog so much we hurt when we lose them. To know a love so great is an honor and a privilege. Thank you for responding. I hope your healing journey is softened. This forum has been such a blessing and meeting people like you and the wonderful people who have responded has lifted my spirits and warmed my heart. Thank you so much.   

"And can it be that in a world so full and busy, the loss of one creature makes a void so wide and deep that nothing but the width and depth of eternity can fill it up!" ~Charles Dickens

Angela 

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Katel
Dear Angela, I can't tell you how much your words have helped me, you have a wonderful
way of expression. Despite your own pain you reach out and touch our hearts.  I've been grieving really badly lately as i lost two darling dogs in the past 6 months, but as you say in a way we are the lucky ones to have been blessed with them and to think like that is comforting for me..  Your Baylee was just adorable and the pits are so fortunate to have someone as wise and loving as you for their ambassador. 
Of course you couldn't have known she had this underlying condition, how could you.  And I am so sorry you didn't have more time with her, but there is never enough time is there. She died in your arms and yours was the last voice she heard, the voice she loved so much.  It was the same with
mine, I did have to euthanize them but my voice was the last they heard and my arms around
them cuddling them.  Your last moments with Baylee were indeed precious as were mine and those of us who have been able to spend our last moments with them are blessed in my opinion as so many can't.
I wish you gentle healing and peace and please post some more.
Blessings,
Kate 
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angela_24

Dear Kate,

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. It means so much to me right now. I am so very sorry about the loss of your sweet babies. The pain can be so overwhelming. I am trying so hard to come to terms with the fact that I couldn’t have done anything to change the outcome. The pain I feel from her loss is within every fiber of my being. I find it hard to concentrate on things and even when I try, memories of her are everywhere. I wind up getting so distressed that I barely can breathe. Like you, I feel blessed that if she had to go…her last moments were with me, in my arms. I know this brings you comfort as well, but at the same time the thoughts and memories can bring on such grief we wonder how we are going to have the strength to go on. We are so proud of our little ambassador Baylee and she did so many wonderful things in her short life. She has and always be my hero. I will continue to advocate for and save Pit Bulls in her honor. I’m so sorry you lost two of your babies so close together. They loved you. I hope you are doing a little better every day and we are all so blessed to have a community of people who are there for one another. If you ever need to talk, I am here. 

"And can it be that in a world so full and busy, the loss of one creature makes a void so wide and deep that nothing but the width and depth of eternity can fill it up!" ~Charles Dickens

Angela 

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