graciejay
My situation with getting my first pet has been the worst possible experience I could have had. My boyfriend and I found a siamese kitten that was for sale by a "breeder" near us after searching for a couple of weeks. We were over the moon excited to finally find exactly what we were searching for, and we went to pick him up that same day. We met the breeder lady at petco, where we exchanged $600 for the kitten. Everything was normal that night and it was perfect. We named him Remy and we immediately loved him from the first time we held him.
The next day we noticed he wasn't showing kitten behavior, so we got him an appointment to get into the vet.. well the poor thing was not properly dewormed and we found out days later that he had ginormous round worms in his little 3-month old tummy, as they were coming out of him with the dewormer meds. We thought that this would be an easy fix, and just focused on getting him to eat to make up for the dangerous amount of weight he had lost. We noticed that even after this, that something was still very wrong with him since he was not breathing smoothly like he should have been. At this point he had lost 1/3 of his body weight. We ultimately found out that he had a very bad case of pneumonia. After numerous vet visits and doing everything we possibly could to help him try to kick it, we had to put him down. It was the hardest decision I have had to make in the 20 years I have been alive. We only had him for 15 days, and 14 of them he was extremely ill.. We cared for him around the clock and grew extremely bonded with him. Watching him trying to get enough oxygen to keep himself alive, while not being able to help anymore was the most heart wrenching feeling I have ever felt. I have never cried as hard as I did when we were in the day( 5/22/20) of having to put him down. I actually strained something in my throat from it, which should say enough of how I handled the emotions of the situation.. not well.
It has been 2 days now since we had to make the decision for my sweet little Remy, and I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt because I am in my mind, thinking about a new kitten as the companion we were hoping to find originally. I'm worried for myself because I feel like I am going to become sad and lonely with working remotely (quarantine) alone all day, as I have a history with depression- but I am consumed with a guilt of moving on too fast from Remy. I need help sorting through this because all I can think about is how I wanted this positive pet experience with Remy, but now he's gone and I do not want to disrespect his memory. I feel pain in my heart that Remy was not able to do the kitten things that the next kitten will do, and I wish more than anything that it was him that got the chance to grow up in my home and get the love I have to give.
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MaxsMom2
Thankyou for sharing that. The amount of love and dedication you showed for a pet you just got is astounding. To hear how you were by his side gives me hope. I know that this experience is traumatic, loosing Max is too. There are grief therapist and even just a regular counselor could help with processing this traumatic even you’ve been through. I am so sorry for what you and your sweet fur baby had to endure. She was so lucky to have you. 
Laraine Esposito 
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graciejay
Laraine, thank you for your kind words. I hadn't really thought of how much this was a traumatic experience in my life, and that I should treat it as such with getting help. I am sorry for your loss as well.
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Buddy_Mama
GracieJay, I’m so sorry. You did all the right things for little Remy, so please don’t feel guilty about anything. I doubt that anyone could have treated him with any more love and concern than you did. Laraine’s advice is good... the loss of a sweet, loving pet, no matter how long you’ve had him, is indeed traumatic, and counseling or other support resources can help. And know that when you come to this forum to share your feelings, they are heard & understood by people going through the same journey. Sending you hugs...
Cindy (Buddy’s mama)
My baby Buddy 5/4/10-3/7/20, rescued March 2011
My sweet Mandy 11/27/91-11/2/10, rescued November 1992
My beautiful Barney 4/28/73-9/7/92, adopted May 1973
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JulieF
Graciejay - I am so sorry for your loss and the traumatic experience you had.  First off, you should be commended for the lengths you went to try to save Remy - many people would not have done this. You did everything you could - he was just sick.  You clearly loved him.  Even though he had a short life, you showed him tons of love.  It is so sad he could not have lived longer to experience that love, but it was just not meant to be.  Grief is painful and that is the pain you are experiencing - and guilt just makes is worse.  I think the two emotions every pet parent who posts to this forum experiences is grief and guilt.  We all think we should have done something different.  I had to put my own 19 year old cat down from advanced kidney disease.  Even though I knew it was the right things to do, I still felt guilty about it.  

Don't feel guilty about wanting a new kitten.  Everyone goes through this differently.  Remy is gone and there is another kitten out there who needs a good, loving home that you can provide.  Maybe create a small memorial for Remy that might help to ease the guilt.  Perhaps next time adopt from responsible shelter.  The shelter I volunteer at makes sure all the kittens are healthy, have their shots and are neutered, plus you would be helping to give a homeless kitten a wonderful, loving home.  You could make a donation in Remy's name, also.  Whatever you decide will be the best decision for your situation and life.

Bless you as you go through this traumatic time.
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graciejay
Buddy_Mama and JulieF,

Thank you both for your kindness. I feel more reassured about my emotions during this very confusing and heart wrenching time. Being in quarantine has made me feel alone all on its own, and the loss of my Remy has only amplified that feeling. Each piece of advice has gone a long way in helping me sort through the emotions, and I appreciate it more than you know. I am a college student who has never had to go through this type of loss on my own. Of course I grieved pretty hard with the loss of my childhood siamese kitty years ago when he passed at the age of 19, but that was extremely different than what I am feeling now.. It's all new to me and it is very confusing on top of all other emotions.
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