JessAngel
I lost my youngest three days ago.  She was 17 years old.  I lost my other cat 4 years ago so in all I have had cats for 20 years.  Tomorrow I am doing my big shop for the first time since she went over the rainbow bridge.  It occurred to me it will be the first time in 20 years that I don't have to buy cat food. I felt I had been punched in the stomach and started my usual shaking.

She was diagnosed with cancer on 16th Feb and the vet said due to her age, he thought it best that she be pts.  He allowed me to bring her home and she stayed with me 16th/17th and I never left her side both nights.  She was pts on the morning of 18th and when I went to close my bedroom door for the first time in 20 years, I took a panic attack and left it open.

Every single 'first' is making me ill.  The first time I slept alone, the first time I was able to leave back door open (both were indoor cats) the first time I went out and came home to an empty house.  

When does it all end?  I feel like a functioning zombie.  Inside I am dead.  Nobody I know understands how my heart is broken or they just don't care.  
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Evie123
I understand completely and so do many others. It feels like your heart has been ripped out and I feel like a zombie too and can't enjoy anything. Just yesterday we had to say goodbye to our beautiful girl Molly and all I have done is cry and sob. I have no interest in anything and just want to be with her, it's too hard.
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JessAngel
I know Evie123.  You just want the pain to stop.  When my eldest died I cried myself to sleep every night but this is different.  The last time I had my youngest girl to concentrate on and take care off.  Now there is nothing.  I barely cry but the pain is insufferable.  My heart is destroyed.
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jimmy17
Jessangel, please believe that the people on this wonderful site truly care and understand exactly what you are going through right now.  Life feels like there`s no meaning, the loss of interest in what`s going on around you - I felt like that 10 weeks ago today when we had to have our 17 year old beautiful dog pts.  I am slowly learning how to live without him, still cry every day, but that intense grief has slowly subsided.
 You describe it so well , `functioning zombie` - a lot of us on here will be able to identify with that sentiment. It takes time, a few days after losing my dog I thought I was actually going mad, but I am surely getting there. Just remember the good life she had with you, she would thank you for all the love and care you gave her.  Keep in touch on here, its been a great comfort to me knowing that there are so many lovely caring people who all feel the way we do about our animals. 
                 Hugs, Jackie.
J Taylor
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JerseyNonna
jessangel, so sorry to read of your recent loss.  I know exactly what you are talking about with the "firsts" only with me it was "the last time I did this roxie was here with me; the last time I cooked this roxie was next to me sniffing the air", etc.  I also remember well the "zombie fog" I was in most of the first two weeks after roxie's passing and I think we all recognize that feeling.  please know that your dear kitties are still there with you only their in spirit form now and not the physical (which we all wish our loved babies still were).  once you move from the zombie type deep grief you might be aware of quick movements around the house from the corner of your eye, especially where your kitties used to travel mostly.  plus they left their love for you safe within part of your heart which, once the grief becomes a wee bit less, you will be able to feel again as bright and light as when they were there physically next to you...and you will see them again (this one thought keeps me sane in a time when otherwise I would still be in a deep depression without my roxie who made sure each day my quality of life was the best it could be).  you are in a great place where there are wonderfully compassionate and caring people who are going through the same unbearable loss.  many many hugs to you
JerseyNonna
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Beaglemomma
I sure relate to everything already said here.  My Molly had so many allergies that there were so many things I wouldn't buy when I went shopping---------like even flowers for the house, anything that had an odor and the list goes on.  I find it TERRIBLY hard to go to the store too, so I relate.  All the special things I had to buy for her including water.  We have moved a lot and the water supply has different minerals in it wherever you are, so I bought the same bottled water for her.  Forget about changing even moisturizers for me or shampoo.  I am NOT complaining, I would do it all in a heartbeat, just pointing out that I get what you are saying.

I would give anything to have that sweet face to kiss right this minute and it has been 12 weeks for me not.  You are not alone and if you are going crazy then we all are so you will have lots of company there.  Take care of yourself.
janice
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Nasus313
Take it one day at a time. We put our dog of 10 years to sleep yesterday and it broke my heart. I too am feeling the sadness of "firsts" without him. I am dreading going to work tomorrow and doing my morning routine without him and coming home without him to greet me. This has undoubtedbly been the hardest thing to overcome in my life but the support network here is helping me fine solitude. I am finding talking about the good memories, looking at pictures is helping us also. My good friend who also recently lost some of her furbabies sent me an adoring quote too that resonates with me - "How lucky we are to have something that make saying goodbye so hard." just as they gave us so much joy we have given them a loving home joy and happiness. Let yourself cry, scream or yell to get through it. Much hugs- Susan
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Nikola
Oh I so understand
So much
I'm sorry for your pain. I'm going through the same thing, first this, first that. ...
My sweet cat Ocelot passed on last October age 19.
My heart is broken, it was the first Christmas without my car, any cat, ever. ...
It's nearly my birthday - first without her
Mother's day -first without her
I'm forever thinking of dates
And as for waliking down the pet food aisle , I feel sick with fear ..
So please however u feel ,one thing is u r not alone....
It's a horrible situation, esp the routines we had,
Take care
Much love n understanding
Niki x
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Sasha
I lost Ollie on Saturday he was only 3 yrs old and I feel robbed of so many years with him. I feel I can't breathe the pain is so great everywhere I look I expect to see him and expect to hear his bell on his collar . Ollie was gone within 2 weeks of attending vets with a horrible uncarable virus. I feel such guilt that I didn't notice sooner. Only someone who has lived an animal as you did can understand and you'll find lots of them here
Annette
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JessAngel
I truly am deeply touched by all your replies, especially in light of your own grief.  I really am so sorry to hear of your own losses and thank you all from the bottom of my heart for helping me.  During my lucid moments I take comfort in the fact that both my girls knew that I loved them.

When Jess died (the eldest) there were so many signs that she was still by my side.  Angel (my youngest) even started, briefly, behaving like her.  I pray every night now that Angel will send me some kind of sign to let me know she is ok and I did the right thing.  

Angel actually saved my life.  Two years she would wake me up by sticking a wet nose in my mouth and sniffing my breath.  Six months later when I still didn't figure out why she did that, she stood on my chest and alerted me to a lump.  To cut a long story short, I was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer. I am only here because my little girl saved me.  She truly lived up to her name.  

   15319_1371183924139_5746501_n.jpg This is Jess, it wouldn't let me upload Angel as the file was too big.  
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Evie123
Animals truly are amazing, much more loving and loyal than many humans in this world. Only others who have been fortunate to have shared a bond of devotion with a pet can ever understand the intensity of our love and therefore the depth of our grief and pain. X
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deaconsmommy
The pain of losing a pet is indescribable. I hate feeling like this. For me, mornings are the worst, and when I get home to not be greeted by my deacon boy. I lost deacon on Thursday. He was hit by a car and I havent stopped crying. He waa my everything. People think im being dramatic when I tell them I dont know how to live without him. I feel sick to my stomach with so much guilt. I could have prevented this!! I wish he was right here beside me. He was my shadow. I'm lost without him.
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Evie123
Deacons mommy, no matter when or how they go, the pain is the same sweetheart. Please don't beat yourself up, though it is the natural thing we all do to torture ourselves further. I did everything with my Molly and can't bear the pain either, she was my best friend and I don't know how I'm going to live without her. We are all on here lost together, sharing the same excruciating grief and in a world of limbo. I hope you find some support on here as I have done, such kind words from others can help a tiny bit. X
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