On January 9th, my 17th birthday, my cat Togo started acting funny.  He would sit in an almost pouncing position and meow at high volume.  I figured it may have been a tummy ache or something and that he was going to be fine.  Sadly, my naivety led me astray.
Togo got worse.  He wouldn't go to the bathroom, he vomitted anything we tried to give him (food, water).  I tried my best to care for him.  I spent an hour lying down with him, petting him, loving him.  I even built a bed for him, and I'm not the most handy of people.
Yesterday, he started smelling like acidosis.  The problem is, our vet was not open and the Emergency vet is exceptionally unreliable (personal experience when my husky started having seizures).  My mother being a nurse, we cared for him on our own.  It started to hit me that my little man was dying, and there was nothing I could possibly do about it.  I wanted to do everything I could for him in the world, and there was nothing.  Money was so tight (we lived for a long time on Ramen noodles) and I felt helpless.  He meant the world to me.
December 2008, I lost my dog Fin (only age 1) because he ate a pair of sunglasses he dug out of the garbage and perforated his bowel.  We needed to put him down.  Now I feel like I'm a terrible owner and that I've been causing all this pain towards my animals.  Togo is the second animal of mine within basically a year to pass on.  The guilt I feel is exceptional.  Togo was only 4 years old, a product of incest (mother and father were siblings), one cat nobody wanted.  But he was perfect for me.  My only one.

My guilt lives on.  Togo only died this morning at 4am, but nothing could have prepared me for the pain that lives on in my heart right now.  I can't bear not having him in my life anymore.  I think back to all the times we had together, all his little quirks, and I start bawling.  I had to leave an English class today because I was crying when I found his little toy mouse in my bag.

How do we do it?  How can I stop feeling guilty, move on and embrace our good times?
My heart is so broken right now.
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I' so sorry for loss. Don't feel guility, he was in pain you relieve it, like a good person would.  I tell you how long or when each of us heal. We all love our  pets that when they leave us , we feel let them down.  I feel that way every minute of day that I could not do more. And still blame my self.  Everyone here grieve in their own way, so grieve until you see fit.  Know you here with people who care.    

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