Jamesd
My name is James and I am new to the forum. I recently suffered the loss of a pet I had for 8 years. He was a sweet cat named Tiny. I have always tried to prepare myself for the loss of a pet. However, I never took into account that I would be the one to cause the death. I'm having a very hard time. Tiny has been dead since last Saturday. I've hardly made any progress. I talked with a professional counselor yesterday and went to a doctor for medication today. Has anyone else here had a similar situation with causing your pet's death?
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tikibarb
James, there are many of us that feel responsible in one way or another.  They trusted us to keep them safe and when that doesn't happen, we blame ourselves.  I am sure that you did not intentionally cause the death of your beloved Tiny.  We make decisions and do things to the best of our ability with the information we have at the time.  Sometimes those decisions, as well intended as they are, end up with dire consequences.  You are not alone.  It is good to talk to a professional. I am also working with a grief counselor.  I also take medication.  There are many others on this site that do so as well.  Sometimes we need a little help to cope with the awful part of life.  I am sorry that you are suffering so.  Please write more.  Tell us what happened.  It will help us to help you and you will feel better getting it off your chest.
Barbara Lyngarkos
My Beloved Ted 8/7/2005 - 7/7/10
http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/TED001/Resident.htm
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judylinn
Oh James, there are many of us that feel just like you do. I too am seeing a counselor. I had to release Maddie from her pain, but there have being several things that I have done, that caused maddie to be sick, and it hurts my heart, but I never did anything with bad intentions..it was just not knowing....like when she had cruciate ligament surgery, and couldnt walk. I gave her hundreds of foam balls to rip up and have fun with, thinking I was giving her some fun, and later to discover they had formaladyde in them. not long after the she got auto immune disorder.
As my life coach said, you did the best you could, and always with love. Things just happen.
Im soooo sorry for what you are going through. please continue to get support here, and talk as much as you want.  the live chat helps too. I go there with people in real time, and sometimes just sob, but it helps. My prayers will have you in them tonight   Judy
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chalice
james i know how you feel i still feel guilty for my cat who has only been gone a week the name "tiny" caught my attention i have a little tiny black cat whos name is cheetah but is the runt of the litter nicknamed  (whoever heard of a nickname for a cat!)  tiny  and her mother(and pizzas) was the most beautiful calico i have ever seen and she died on the vets operating table they said if i had brought her there maybe 2-3 weeks earlier they could have easily saved her she had a heart murmur they said it could have been inherited i felt so bad that i didnt take her in sooner but how could i have know i still feel gulity for not somehow taking her in sooner anyway sorry for rambling but i know how u feel
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Polly
James, in the very early days following the death of my cat Casper, I was in such a dark, bad place that I also had to seek some help from my GP. I had to allow my baby to be euthanised and I was consumed with guilt and grief. I would have done anything to have kept him safe with me but it wasn't to be. Who knows what is decided for us in the great scheme of things? You loved and cared for Tiny for 8 years, and he knew you loved him. What happened I'm sure was a cruel and tragic accident.

Come back and tell us about Tiny, it will help, I promise. We are all here for you.

Take care.

Polly  
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Jamesd
First, I want to thank you all for your kind responses. I wasn't able to type out the whole story last night because I had to go to sleep and try to get up and go to work. I've had a tough time doing anything. I took a few sick days this week. However, I am happy to report that I did make it through the day today. So I made a little progress, but it was tough. Well, enough about me...

I rescued Tiny about 8 years ago at the place I used to work. He was maybe a couple of months old when I found him. It was kind of hard to tell though because he was obviously the runt of the litter. I was in the office getting ready to leave town when I heard one of the most pitiful cries ever. I went to investigate and found the kitty underneath the trucks in the back. The weather was horrible that morning and I was afraid he would be killed by one of the trucks so I just had to try to get him.

As you may know, a lot of times kitties in the wild avoid strange humans, but not Tiny. I called him once and he came right out to me. I scooped him up and immediately drove him home so my wife could take care of him. He was all wet and he had a few injuries, though it was nothing major.

We already had 3 cats at the time so I wasn't too crazy about adding another cat to the mix. However, it didn't take long to get attached to him. After a couple of days with him there was no way we were going to send him back to the wild.

We ended up choosing the name Tiny because he was actually tiny. We didn't realize he would stay tiny for his whole life. He had a great personality and was the sweetest of all of our cats. He loved to play. He favorite toy was a green and black squishy ball. When he was outside he would roll around on his back on the sidewalk in the sun. He loved to have his belly rubbed.

Let me skip ahead to right before the tragedy. We had always lived in apartments or been house renters. Then the opportunity came up for us to buy a house. There were a few worries though. The places we had lived weren't always so nice so we didn't worry too much if the cats messed something up because it was usually already messed up. Our cats were mostly indoor cats. We'd let them out on occasion, but we watched them like hawks. But if we were going to make this move then we had to transition the cats to the outside world because the place we were buying has almost perfect floors. We had a fence built in the backyard just for them, plus they had the garage all to themselves. Everything was great, but then they started getting under the house.

We started seeing them in the front yard. This worried us, but not too much because we live on a quiet street with not much traffic. As it turned out we had good reason to worry. We live in Texas where it's very hot. The cats normally stay out of sight most of the day. They all stayed under the house until evening. You'd rarely see them any other time. So when we got in the car last Saturday afternoon we never thought that one of them would be asleep under the car. None of the cats slept under the car. Sometimes you'd see a couple on top of the car but Tiny was never one of them. Of course they'd jump down as soon as you'd open the door.

Me and my wife were talking while walking to the car. We got in the car one at a time. I started the car. I played with the A/C and the radio. So all of these things would lead you to believe that even if there was a cat under the car he would have surely moved by now. Sadly, no.

WARNING! This next part is horrible and you may not want to read it. As soon as I backed up there was a thump. I knew what it was right away. I looked over the hood and saw Tiny flopping back and forth on the driveway. I knew he wasn't going to make it as soon as I saw him. Blood started pouring out of his mouth all over the driveway. I had already lost my mind by the time my wife told me to go get a blanket. I went in the house and grabbed a towel. I wasn't gone long and by the time I came back he was already dead. That was the only good thing about the whole tragedy. I am relieved that he didn't suffer long. We wrapped Tiny in the towel. I will save you some of the nasty details. I will just say that his face no longer looked like Tiny's face. That sent me into an even deeper hole.

I ended up burying Tiny in our backyard. There is a little more that I will get into later, but it is now time for dinner. Thanks to all of you again. To be continued...    

 
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tikibarb
How horrific for you and your wife.  I am so sorry that you had to see that.  It exacerbates the grief we feel when we actually observe the accident.  I didn't see me beloved Ted get hit, but I heard it.  It took me weeks to be able to walk into the yard without re-living it.  Thankfully, he was in-tact so I did not have to experience that nightmare.  You cannot and should not blame yourself for this accident.  We all make the best decisions we can with the information we have when it comes to our animals.  You gave Tiny a wonderful 8 years he would certainly not have had without you and your wife.  You were blessed to have had each other.  Guilt is a horrible feeling to experience and it is very difficult to work through.  I decided not to let myself feel guilty after a couple of weeks playing the "what if" game about Ted's death.  There is no possible gain to allowing those thoughts to enter your mind.  Tiny certainly would not want you to suffer over this accident.  We have been blessed with these furry love balls for one reason or another and no one can explain why the why's of death.  After a lot of research and talking on this site, I really believe that when the time is right, I will see Ted again.  Right now, I am trying really hard to give my other critters extra attention and to take care of myself.  Finding this site has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me.  I thought I was truly crazy until I started talking and writing on these threads.  We aren't crazy.  We knew the best form of unconditional love that some others never find.  We are the lucky ones.  I know it hurts so much right now.  Please tell us more when you are up to it.  It helps to get it off your chest...
Barbara Lyngarkos
My Beloved Ted 8/7/2005 - 7/7/10
http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/TED001/Resident.htm
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Jamesd
Thank you, Barbara. I have also done the "what ifs" over and over again. I keep seeing the scene replaying in my head. Even if I think of the happy times I think of the accident. I'm not able to separate the two right now.

One of the sad things that happened after the burial was when one of our other cats laid on top of his grave for about half an hour. I have a few pictures of it.

I'll post some pictures of Tiny whenever I figure out how to do it!

I've been trying to do things to get past this like drawing pictures, writing and other things. They seem to help some, but then those other thoughts creep back in.

I'm sorry that you lost Ted. I too believe that we will see our boys again someday.




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judylinn
James, have you tried having a little memorial service for tiny. They have the monday night candle service here, and it was beautiful. but I did some practical things for Maddie. I planted Lavender in the garden, as she loved that, I'm having a cherry blossom tree planted. and I got to the forest often, a walk in nature, that helps me connect with maddie, and being in nature brings me some sanity. You may not be ready to any of that, but just some ideas.
the monday night service here, is so respectful and beautiful.  Judy
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Pita
James, I am so sorry for the loss of Tiny.  You gave him a life that he surely would not have been able to have, by having the heart to not only investigate that cry you heard, but to take him in, which you did without hesitation.  From that moment on, I know Tiny knew the love you had for him, and for 8 years his life was full of that love.

Accidents are just that....accidents.  Some are very tragic, but you did nothing wrong, and you never would have done anything to hurt Tiny, and I know in my heart that he knows that, too.  My sister lost her budgie in what was a terrible accident, too, and I will never forget hearing the scream from the other room right after it happened...she was inconsolable, and the guilt she felt (and still feels) was immense.  It doesn't solve anything though. Beating yourself up doesn't change the circumstances, and it also doesn't take away from the wonderful life you lived with Tiny. 

I am glad you are seeking some help to deal with the guilt and pain.  I have been seeing a psychiatrist regularly for depression prior to losing Pita, and my first appointment with him since will be on Monday.  It can help, and please continue to do it for as long as you need to.  Don't let anyone else dictate the steps you need to get through to make your grief more manageable.  I am glad you were able to go to work, too....it's a strange thing, I know I feel guilty even doing that, as well, even though it's not logical part of my mind feels that in trying to move on, I'm doing Pita a disservice (even though she wouldn't want me to feel so down for the rest of my life).  I also, too, took a sick day the night of and the day after.  I needed the time to myself, and to get past that initial shock. 

Take care of you.  You took care of Tiny from the moment you laid eyes on him, nothing will change that or take that away.  Hugs to you as you continue down the path to some healing and closure.
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quirks

oh my god.........

Those people who dislike cats, will be mice in their next life.......
Remy...entered my life 4th April 2010......left for the Bridge 9th August 2010.
loved, missed and cherished.
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Jamesd
I am happy to report that I am finally starting to feel a little better about things. I think that the medication has helped as well as my counselor, my family and reading about what some of you have gone through. I thank you again for your kind words and for sharing your stories about your beloved pets. I will always miss Tiny, but I can finally focus on the good times that we had together while leaving the tragedy and guilt behind.
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judylinn

Im glad things are better. it may sneak up on you again, but at least your getting help.  good going.

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