So its 3 months today that my boy macky passed away
I cannot believe it's that long already its all a blur to be honest , honestly I don't feel like I've really truly whole heart accepted that mackys gone . Call that werid but its how my brains going , i guess .

I can really see now why I had to put macky to sleep , he was 15 and a half years old and in the last 6 months his back legs were getting more weak and stiff . The last month of his time here i try not to remember as it hurts me to much and makes me very anxious . I didn't think that it would be the way it was , when i had to put him to sleep , i kinda figured it would be his back legs that would be the reason, but the change in his personality i didn't ever think would come into it. I didn't put macky to sleep because of any thing other then his back legs being pretty much immobile.
I could of handled the constant barking as i loved him with every thing in my body .
The guilt has been tons i wished I had off not stuffed up his mobic tablets because I'm sure it didmt help but ill never know if it contributed to him getting so terrible . I hate myself at times and feel overwhelmed with anxiety and guilt .
It was only 13 days with a incorrect dose of his mobic i try to tell my self it would not off made a massive difference as he was so bad on his back legs , who knows .

I made sure everything was so perfect while looking after macky in those last year's off declining health , i have ocd so one of my things is complete perfection , so for me to off mucked up his mobic is such a devastating blow for me to ever accept , i will not truly forgive myself for this .

Over these 3 months i have gotten better in some ways I can smile and laugh now , i still cry over my boy , but it doesn't hurt as much as those first weeks ,, horrible terrible pain in the start i had never experenced before as macky was my first loss. I block out my emotions alot this is part of how I cope im told this isn't healthy , i cannot help the blocking as i suffer from depersonalization and derealization from childhood trauma and anxiety .

I miss you my sweetheart my pumpkin patch my BOY , you ment everything to me while you were here and this hasn't changed , i love you more then words can describe did then still do now .
I hope it's true that I will see you again and I hope you hear me when i talk to you everyday .

I want to be ok but to me it means leaving you completly and im scared to that right now , i hope you knew how much I loved you and I hope you forgive me for my flaws , i didn't make it perfect those last month's/ weeks , i tried buddy but I stuffed up unintentionally i promise .
Love you macky moo my heart really left with you but thats ok you need it ❤💓💔💖💗💙💙💙💙💙
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Hi Mackysmom,
These anniversaries are so painful because they bring back the memories of losing our loved ones.
3 months is not a very long time. You had Macky for a long time: 15.6 years so of course you miss him terribly.
I've learned that guilt is a part of grief. We tend to micro examine everything looking for what we might have done wrong as opposed to everything we did to care for our babies when they became ill. In the end, we need to see look at how much we loved them and understand that they knew how loved they were. Macky wouldn't want you to blame yourself for anything. He loved you too and only wants for his mom to be happy now. I'm not sure if you need to let him go to be happy. I always carry Bailey in my heart but we adopted another little rescue dog and he does bring me happiness every day. Have you thought of creating a Memory book for Macky? or a memory box with all of his special things? That way you will always have him with you. I love the picture you posted of Macky - such a handsome boy!
Sending hugs,
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Hi Mackysmum, I’m so sorry for your loss of dear Macky. 15 1/2 years of wonderful love from his dear mum, never worry about feeling guilty. There’s nothing to be guilty for, but guilt is a terrible part of grief. All the should haves, could haves, chances are you did everything right, and anything else wouldn’t have resulted any differently unfortunately. Our babies know we love them very much, more than anything in the world. They know love more than any other being, and they know we do our best for them. If only they could live forever with us, but they just go a little ahead of us. We will hold them again, and you’ll see that Macky is still with you every step of the way. Watch for signs, he will show you.

Wishing you peaceful healing with your Macky close in your heart as your bond of love continues to grow.

Molly’s Mom...Dawn
Love you infinitely our little Molly. Forever and ever XOXO
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Found this quote:  I think it says everything we all feel.
The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.” – Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Boo' s mommy
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Also, tragically true,,,
Lynn, Tankie’s mom, forever
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Hearing everyone here, the way our losses have changed our worlds.

Such a precious picture, Macky having his yogurt. I'll bet he loved that!

Mackysmom, I know it's not nearly over for you, the grieving. It takes sooo much out of a person to weather the pain, the guilty thoughts and feelings, the not being able to absorb that it all happened. I know it still seems impossible to this day, the way things went south and my own loss. 

I join you in marking this difficult anniversary. It's hard when the weeks and months roll on, yet no one but ourselves realizes the weightiness and impact of this much time having passed , since having to part from our dear ones. Today's the anniversary for Marissa, too. I'm about four weeks ahead of you. It's rotten. My heart goes out to you, truly.  I'm glad we're not on this path alone.

Wishing you heaps of comfort today!

-Missing Marissa deeply
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Thank you everyone for your replies I really appreciate it and all your words really helped me see things in a different light , thank you .
It's strange how im going better then it feels as if im going backwards , i feel stuck in grief to be honest and not able to kinda move forward .
I felt as of my grief was maybe abnormal but this morning I thought to myself no it is not , because I had Macky in my life for 15 and a half years i got macky when i was nearly 19 years old i just turned 34 so i grew into adulthood with macky there . I loved macky so much he was like a child to me so of course I miss him so much .
Love you macka moo my sweetheart
Please come into my dreams it feels so real un like when im awake 💙💙💙💙💙💙 My boy
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