Today I lost my best friend in the whole world. Her name was Deca and she was my 17 year old Torti kitty. One year ago almost to the day she was diagnosed with chronic renal failure - that was just the beginning. Basically, nobody knew what was wrong with her. Her symptoms would come and go, her blood work would be great, then horrible. From day one we had a special bond (she was a special needs kitty that I adopted when she was 8 mths old). The love I had for this little being was indescribable. I don't believe I could love a birth child anymore deeply. Deca was my life. I felt like she was a part of my soul...nothing in this world calmed me down like she could. This last month she took a turn for the worse - so many problems. We were rushing to the vet every three days or so. I was frantically trying to save my best friend. Last night I finally accepted that it was time to end her suffering. So, today we had a vet come to the house and help her cross. Now I can't stop crying - wailing really. The pain is so intense that my arms and face keep going numb. I can't breathe or eat...and I see no end in sight. I can't imagine living in this world without her. The pain is just too much. Then there is the guilt. I can't stop torturing myself with everything I did wrong, or should have done better. I feel like I'm going to throw up every second of the day. Just to give you an idea of how much this cat meant to me. A year ago when she first got sick, I was so devastated that I quit my job and have been living off my savings for a year now so that I could take care of her and spend as much time as possible with her...and now my savings is almost all gone, I have no job and I'm too much of a mess to even try to get one. I spent every day taking care of her, loving her, trying to give the best quality of life possible (and made many mistakes along the way). I did all of that because I knew that once she was gone my world would crumble, and it has - completely. I have no idea how to handle this pain. I can't even breathe. My life will never be the same again. I can't ever imagine feeling whole again - she was my everything, and now my everything is gone.