It has been 3 weeks this day, feels to fresh to have been this time. I have more defined emotions this past few days...more memories of happier times than crashing against the thoughts of our loss. I still have so many questions that I ask of myself...knowing well that they will remain unanswered, I guess its just a smoother version of my anger really. The emptiness felt is a very heavy feeling...un like any I have bared before.
I spent a great deal of my yesterday driving. What I found...coming straight at me for hours, were waves of intense heaviness...the kind that lands on your chest and firmly squeezes your heart until tears roll down your face. The waves were invincible, never after the other.
Then... I found myself almost welcoming these rolling waves. Although very dynamic to the point of "lost in emotion", this was our Zoe doing what she does best...moving into my heart to give fullness to her memory...filling my loss with her wonderful spirit, as though she was moving my grief to the shadows so that all she is can fill "my" strength to me, giving to me as she always did everyday day on this good earth. Zoe was offering comfort...offering her life's memories with me as her way of letting me know "all will be Ok...different, but all will be OK". Easing my sorrow with her memories, she was again giving strength to my Heart. 
We all share a loss that is so very personal. It is hard to share deep thoughts with others for fear that they would not understand or reply in such a way that our Hearts would reel. I share with others who know the love of our animals...who have themselves been gracious in there words.
I am still working at being the person Zoe thinks I am.

Richard R
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Richard, I think you are the person Zoe thought you are. No one less than devoted could feel how youu do and express it in such beautiful ways.
Love you forever and ever and I will be there for you xx
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Richard, I too have experienced the waves of grief you so poignantly wrote about, and it is a painful and unrelenting sadness unlike any other. I remember having to go to work each day, and pretend that I was alright, and that my heart was beginning to heal, when nothing could have been further from the truth. I could not wait to finally be able to go home, close the door behind me, and just totally sink into my grief. My whole world was consumed by my Jasper, the flashbacks of losing him, it was almost like a slow motion movie replay, but there were no parts left out, I could remember every single heart wrenching moment, almost as though I was right there again with him, saying goodbye, letting go, and watching the spark leave his eyes. It was the coldest and darkest night of my entire life, and in many ways, it will always remain in my memory as the winter of my soul.
Nothing has affected me more deeply in my whole life than this, and even though it has been eighteen months for me, the calendar of my life is still centered around before and after losing Jasper. It has only been three weeks since you lost your Zoe, how I remember those first weeks ... I often wondered how on earth the world could keep going, when I lost the little light and love of my life, because it felt as though my world had ended, but it had not, and I kept going, as my Jasper would have wanted me to, and in many ways I feel as though his sweet living spirit gave me the strength and the hope to keep going.

 Your words about your Zoe moving into your heart to give fullness to her memory, and shifting your grief to the shadows so she could fill your spirit, were so beautiful and touching, and so very true, that is exactly what they do, they are so much closer than we could imagine. I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious Zoe, and from someone who has been on this journey for awhile, I thank you so very much for sharing your girl with us, and for your words which are so filled with the love and devotion you have for her. I have absolutely no doubt that you are the person Zoe thinks you are, and would always want you to be, and more.
Pamela Lynne Crawford
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Hello Richard,  Those are some of the most beautiful expressions that I have ever read about how Zoe's loss is affecting you. You are not alone here and the intensity of your emotions at this time are truly a testament to the depth of love you had for Zoe. You are in the midst of grieving over a true loss in your life Richard. How I can relate to each poetic sentence that you wrote. You are wise to allow yourself to feel her loss. It is so very painful, yet we learn and grow through that pain. And she will open your heart for you to allow the good, the true, the memories, the love, to come through!
   I appreciate your expressions tremendously. I never went through anything like the loss of my girl Coco. I know that by week 3 I decided to settle with the grief and get comfortable with it, because it wasn't going anywhere for a while. I tried all kinds of ways to ease the pain from grieving her from working a lot, to trying to forget about her, to having a drink now and then. The harder I tried, the worse the grief would come around again. So I figured, this is where its at right now in my life and I need learn how to live with and move with it. 
   The extreme highs and lows finally gave way to a sadness day in and day out. It has been 7 months since she left for the bridge. I cannot say that I am over this. I don't think that we ever really get over loosing such a special companion. We learn to adjust doing the best we can from day to day. I feel very close to Coco now in many ways. Yet these ways are more spiritual in nature. I think that most of us here miss the physical presence of our beloveds tremendously. It is a lot to come to terms with Richard. Somehow the mind meets with the emotions on some level to come to some level of acceptance. But when the loss is so recent, as yours with Zoe, there is no forcing the mind or emotions to accept anything that makes much sense.  Give it time and don't fear how you feel now. Its O.K. to feel, and grieve, and mourn over such a tremendous loss! Many here understand that.
      I  Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. As I mentioned in the beginning your expressions are beautiful and so very heartfelt, ringing so very true to me. Please take care of yourself.....Your Love for Zoe makes you the person that she thinks you are!!.......................Sincerely, Andrea.
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