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opaqueblue

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Reply with quote  #1 
Good morning my sweet Remmie, it's me mom! I imagine you are playing with your friends there where ever you are. It's Thursday, you went home 1 week ago little man. I haven't shed a tear in days Remmie. I'm all over the place with grief, about you,...about everything.Dad and I went out to breakfast on Sunday. I went into a rant about everything. He just sat there with that creepy smile on his face. He has that "smile' whenever I "rant", ...and of course he says NOTHING! Almost 46 years married and he always says NOTHING. We were outside together going to the doctor's office and I mentioned Sunday and his eerie smile. He says it's best to say nothing when I rant.I  ( with RAGE inside of me ) said gently to him,You say NOTHING  about everything," it's been 46 years and I don't know you at all." I have remembered that the marriage counselor said that silence is a major way of having control,..it keeps the other person always off guard wondering where the stand. I promised myself that day, that dad will never again see me cry about anything, and I told him that. And, of course he said NOTHING!Since the rant, and with all this anger, I have just shut down little man. I have decided in my mind and heart, with all of this going on around me ( and you know what I'm talking about ) I AM DONE! THEY , will never again see me cry, or react . That is exactly what they want from me, ..my strong reactions.  I will now, give back to them what they have given to me,,,,....NOTHING! I will do like them , I won't react, I will nod, and go on with my day, THEY WILL NEVER AGAIN KNOW WHERE I STAND ON ANYTHING! Nobody has my password to my window on the computer. I will journal and keep my feelings about everything to myself. I'm done little man . Mom loves you and misses you, but my tears have just stopped , mom cannot cry Remmie. Nice house, but nobody is home!
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Gingers_Mommy

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Reply with quote  #2 
@opaqueblue,

I'm sorry that on top of the loss of Remnie you're also dealing with an unsupportive and emotionally unavailable spouse. Please know that those of us in this forum are open to listen to your feelings as we are grieving too. If you chose to distance yourself from those around you for the reasons you mentioned, please don't swallow your tears. Allow yourself the freedom to cry and mourn even it means doing it away from prying eyes. And remember we're all in this forum willing to comfort each other in our shared grief.
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opaqueblue

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Reply with quote  #3 
Gingers_Mommy <http://forums.rainbowsbridge.com/profile/6945001> , thank yu so much for taking the time to talk to me, I really appreciate it :) The problem is, that I am in grief over so many different aspects of my life , I'm feeling insane crazy! Right now, Remmie's death is the straw that broke the camels back! At this time, in the place that I'm at , the tears just won't come . I know that they're somewhere in there , under this gaping wound, but my anger ( at everything including Remmie's death ) is massive.
Having been a hospice worker , I KNOW in my mind that this is grief, but I'm in a dozen different griefs over so many things. Right now, they have just all caught up with me and I shut down. My mind and my heart have just shut down to protect me somehow. I understand this is grief, but I'm shut down. I WILL continue to come here and "talk " in this forum , whether or not I feel sane or crazy, lol. Thank you for being here fr me . I hope that sometime soon, I will be like YOU and so many others that "recue " the hurting with words of encouragement. I hope in time to come that I too will respond to others at the Rainbow Bridge , and share in their grief. Again, thank you soooo very much.

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Gingers_Mommy

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Reply with quote  #4 
You're welcome hun. Take your time. We'll be here.
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opaqueblue

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Reply with quote  #5 
Hello my Remmie , it's mama , and this mama is missing you so much. I went to the shop to get my hair done this morning and walked right through the open gate. It's been down for weeks because dad is reworking the privacy fence. I tried to block it off so you wouldn't get out of the yard,..and then came the utter shockwave once again! You're not here, you won't wonder out of the yard ,...not today, not any day. I froze little man, your mama froze. YOU'RE NOT HERE! Every day it hits me over and over, just doing daily stuff my Remmie. I fell asleep ( or tried to ) last night reliving the day I put you down. I saw you on the table. I had my head in your tummy and chest , I was sobbing uncontrollably . I smelled your fur, and kissed your face over and over. I knew  you were blind and deaf, but even so, I talked to you and told you over and over,.." I love you Rem , I love you with everything in me, and I'm right here holding you baby boy"!  I held you in my arms as your eyes lost the light,..and then you were no more. I screamed Remmie, I screamed and the whole building heard my screams. Your dad did NOTHING, he didn't waver one way or another, refusing to comfort me. The vet came over and held me , I hated your dad at that moment , I still feel nothing for him Remmie, I can barely look at him. The Springer Spaniel FB group made phone call after phone call to the crematorium to contribute so I could have your ashes, dad refused to pay for them. I have them here with me. I offered to let dad see them, of course, he said " no". I could not fall asleep for hour last night baby boy. I didn't want to stop remembering you, I saw you so clearly in my mind's eye. Once again this morning, I got up without you getting my slippers. Getting up seems futile. Being home bound without you here is beyond empty little man. YOU were my reason to get out of bed. Now I have only vacuumed once sine you are gone. The house stays clean, but I don't care. I would rather vacuum up your fur every day and still have you here with me. Your water and food bowl aren't in the kitchen anymore . Your spot is now empty. I stare at the place where you once ate and drank , ..it's empty. I open the fridge and you're not at the door sniffing for goodies from mom. I come up the stairs from the basement doing the laundry, and you aren't wagging your tail at the top of the stairs. I go potty and can close the bathroom door,.. you aren't pushing the door open to sit with mom. You simply aren't here anymore, at least not physically. I eat breakfast on the couch alone. You aren't on the couch next to me waiting for mom to share. You don't curl up on my lap after I put my plate aside. I haven't cooked for you for over a week. Today is the day I cooked for a whole week for you. I don't know how to do this without you Rem,..it's just so alone here. I do have one reason to rejoice. I thought I had thrown away the envelope full of your fur from the day you died. I woke up during the night a few nights ago in a cold sweat , thinking I had thrown away all your fur. I ran to the table where I thought your fur was, and it was devoid of your envelope of fur . I was devastated because I thought I had thrown away your fur, I have been so mentally gone I thought I threw away your fur. I have mourned since then even worse. but today, I opened up the cover on my walker and there it was, your fur in the envelope, right there in front of me,..Oh Happy Day! People keep telling me to hurry up and get another fur baby so I won't grieve! Another fur baby? There is no other fur baby right now. Leave me alone people ,stop pushing me, I'm not about to replace my Remmie, there is no replacement for you little man.  I swear I see you, smell you, feel you,..get a replacement? You were and are the best, the best a mama could ask for. I haven't heard from any of the kids,...they just simply have gone on with life, just like before your death. they have no contact with me, not do any of the grandchildren. I have detached from all of them and from the church. If I'm going to be alone , I'll be alone on my own terms. Your death has taught me so  many things. It has taught me to be honest with myself and face all of these other matters. I guess god said, "kiddo, it's time for you to make some decisions, time for you to depend fully on me and not look to others  to fill in the void. I'm the ONLY one here for you from  day to day !" Yes little man , I can see where ( even though the pain is relentless) your death has been a tool for decision making and things like that. You were here for a reason and now you're gone ( I guess for a reason )  for a reason. I love you little man. Mama is holding you nest to her heart. I feel I have no earthly reason to be here . No husband ( so to speak ) , no adult children , no grandchildren, no church ,..just no one. I just don't want to be here any longer. don't worry, mom won't commit suicide, I just feel like it!  I spend my days on FB, after my shower, breakfast and house work. that only leaves me with many many hours to try to fill without you little man. Mom is lost Remmie , you have been found at the Bridge, you are waiting for me. Until that precious day baby boy, until next time. Mom is signing off. Take good care of yourself, run and play with our other fur babies. Enjoy the healing little boy, you have certainly earned it. Mom loves you honey. Good bye for now little m an. I will return hunnie!

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Gingers_Mommy

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Reply with quote  #6 
@ opaqueblue:

Just sending you hugs 💛
I'm sorry you're hurting over so many different things.
I'm glad you know suicide is not the answer. Even though I must admit there have been days when I see no point in getting out of bed bcs my baby is gone. I saved some of her fur too. I haven't vacuumed litter either, I would gladly roll around in it if it meant having my baby back. I'm sorry for your pain. Keep posting as needed. 💛
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opaqueblue

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Reply with quote  #7 
Gingers_Mommy <http://forums.rainbowsbridge.com/profile/6945001> , you are ever so kind. I'm hurting for you and with you my friend.
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Gingers_Mommy

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Reply with quote  #8 
Thank you 😭💛
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opaqueblue

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Reply with quote  #9 
Good morning Remmie, it's 10:15 Sunday morning.i'm sitting here in the computer room without you again. I tried to go to sleep last night ,..it never happened. Mama wasn't feeling good ,...I laid down several times but no sleep came. I was awake in bed while dad got ready for church . I finally got up at 8 am and took a shower, ..at 9 am dad went to church. I kept getting chills and then hot and finally gave up. I thought about you so much last night , just intensely missing you with no way of escape.I have such pain about so much in my life. With you here, there was a distraction,..With you gone ? Nothing but dead air space. I can cry a little bit,..not much but a little bit , though not in front of dad,..I'm done showing him my emotions. Ok, I fibbed a bit, tears came to my eyes while going to the hair dresser yesterday.Dad is actually expressing different ways that he misses you. I guess I should feel relieved or something , ..I do listen to him when he expresses how he misses you , but, I can't forget that for almost a year I begged him to take us to the vet, and either got no response, or "NO" for an answer.I do understand that we are struggling financially, but , to NOT take your fur baby to the vet ? Nah, no understanding THAT! When I think of the 444 that was spent on other things this last year? There's no excuse for not taking care of your baby boy,...NONE!  I know, there would have been nothing we could have done , without knowing you had such bad arthritis , but your skin problem ? No, that could have been resolved months and months ago. but, then there's the question : Would you have reacted to the steroids months ago the way you did a few weeks ago? I will never know. Chances are you would have reacted the same and we would have lost you sooner. Like I said yesterday , I guess God knew it was your time to leave us ,..leave me Rem. I have unfollowed the Springer Spaniel FB page,..can't bear to see all those Spanners , knowing that you are gone. It breaks my heart to see all those babies that look just like you ,..I want to climb into the screen and kiss that m nuzzle over and over again. Jen actually messaged me last evening , shock of shocks! She said she might be here after she gets out of church with Drew. I'm not holding my breath though. You know how reliable she is ?! Haven't heard from any of the kids or grandkids. Jen said that Sammy could help me this week with gardening , I can't afford to pay him. I HAVE TO PAY MY OWN GRANDSON  to help me,...Not gonna happen,..dad gives me no $$$! 
Now that you're gone, I can feel free to have a garden in the backyard. I'd rather have YOU Rem! Having a broken back limits me so much , no one gives a damn,..just go on with their own lives. I've looked at all of your brother's FB pages , they are doing just fine, but, screw mom! Don't know what to do little man, life is sooo not worth it without you , just zero reason to be here. I have gone back into FB and deleted ALL of  my saved dog pages, can't stand to look at them , just too painful to see all these people enjoying their babies, and you're not here . I miss you little man. I miss your big brown eyes, your curly ears, your beautiful coat, your wiggling butt when you know I'm there. I miss enjoying watching you eat, and brushing you several times a day. It amazes me just how much you filled the empty places in my heart. Now,..they are all empty, just dead air space Rem. I have no interest in anything inside or outside. Just zero interest baby boy. I can't go out on the patio, it's chilling now with Autumn arriving here in Michigan. My flowers are all dying back, and need to be cleaned up.Of course, you know mama can't do that,..they just wilt on the plant and die off. Oh Remmie, I doso hope that you are with Mitzi, Aida, Franklin, and Maxwell. I do so hope that you are playing and enjoying your family. I hope that every once in a while, you stand still, with your ears perked up and having full vision, you look and listen for your mama! Mama  certainly stands still all throughout the day and night , trying , and straining to see and hear and smell you little man. This mama misses her little man more than words  can express or even come near. Until I come here again Rem,,.mama misses you Remmie and will talk to you soon !

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Rigina

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Reply with quote  #10 
@opaqueblue

Good morning hun. Your post so resonated with my own thoughts throughout my own loss. Especially when you talked about depending on God. Those were my thoughts exactly. I argued and pleaded and prayed. Why would He take my Honey when not only did Honey need me, but I needed him. Having life long depression and anxiety disorders, I realized I needed that emotional support. If God gifted me with love and compassion for all animals, then why wouldn’t I continue. NOT TO REPLACE my Honey, but to honour his legacy and to save another older cat from being euthanized because most people want kittens. So I adopted Milo a 7 year old boy. He was nothing like Honey, nor did I want him to be. I’ve only had him four days and there have been moments where I’m missing Honey and suddenly Milo appears next to me. It’s uncanny but at those moments I feel my Honey is still around me and is coaching Milo to take care of me. I’ll always miss Honey and my tears have not stopped. There is no replacement. But I found peace in continuing my love for all animals to honor Honey, not to forget him. I hope you can find the peace within and because you are a believer in God, my prayers are for you and your healing. Taking care hun. Virtual hugz.

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Rigina
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opaqueblue

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Reply with quote  #11 
Rigina <http://forums.rainbowsbridge.com/profile/6948807> , it's so nice to "meet " a Christian here on this forum. Thank you for your response to my outpouring heart. I am so very alone, and lonely. I have considered getting another fur baby, but I have many fears about it. 1st , if we haven't been able to take care of Remmie's health matters , why would I expect anything different with another one ? My husband refused to take Remmie to the vet for the better part of this last year , even while seeing him suffer . I can't do this to another fur baby , ya know ?Also ( it's hard to describe ) he has been taking down our privacy fence ( on a corner lot ) and repairing it. He's putting it back up minus panels we had along the bottom that would keep a new puppy in the yard . I have always had medium / large dogs and at 65 with poor health , I would like to have a small lap dog. However a small one would just slip under the privacy fence and get hit by a car. I don't want to get a rescue, too many people I know have gotten rescues only to have to give them up from behavior problems. Do I want to go through the housebreaking all over again for a 5th time? It's a decision not to be taken lightly I feel . So , here I sit missing my Remmie , unable to sleep , having a very hard time functioning . If my family ( my adult children etc ) cared remotely about me things would be different, but, not seeing them or my grandchildren , and having an empty marriage relationship ( of 46 years ) , God is my only saving grace. But, sometimes it would be so comforting to have a real live person here to spend time with! Again, thank you for your response, and the best wishes for you and your new fur baby !
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Rigina

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Reply with quote  #12 
Opaqueblue

Sorry to hear of your situation on top of losing your fur baby. All I can offer is continued prayer for healing and comfort to come into your life. I truly hope you’ll find your peace once again. Please take care of you!

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Rigina
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opaqueblue

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Reply with quote  #13 
Rigina <http://forums.rainbowsbridge.com/profile/6948807> , thank you so much for caring!
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