So, I arrived at work feeling horrible, actually last night about midnight I felt horrible and didn't realize why until I looked at the date, today is the 30th. Mija was euthanized on Dec 30th and I subconsciously knew this. I nearly cried today, but forced myself not to (I'm a teacher so I can't have a break down) telling myself to cry at lunch. I have a presentation today in front of co-workers and here it is lunchtime and I am having a panic attack like I haven't in ages.

I knew Mija was sick, she had kidney disease and probably some dementia. Was she older than 16 years old? Maybe I adopted her from a shelter and she was around five maybe six so it's possible. I thought we could fight the CKD, but three months on she got skinner, and the last three days she didn't eat, move, or go to the potty. Anyway, this is so hard and the grief is as fresh as when she passed. How can I be okay and all of a sudden it hits me like a freight train? Is it going to be this way on the 3rd of Feb which will be when London had to be euthanized on Jan 3rd? 

Am I strong enough to handle this? I feel so alone right now.
Mija, Chihuahua: 2004-2019
16 years
London, Golden Retriever: 2005-2020
15 years

Mom to Misty, Sango, Tami, Abby, Kawaii and Pepita the Chihuahua

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I am so sorry to hear this. "Mija" - what a sweet name!

I really hope that you have supportive co-workers. You have endured so much already and need support.

Our stories are similar- I lost my little baby- a Chihuahua ''Daisy" to kidney failure aged 15yrs. She was a rescue and was also showing signs of dementia. We weren't 100% sure about the dementia thought because kidney failure can cause confusion.

I will be thinking of you on the 3rd as you remember you 'London'. My Daisy's anniversary is on the 2nd and when I light a candle & say a prayer for her I will say a prayer for you and your furbabies too. I know what you mean about feeling alone I do too and spend most of my time alone.

I wish I knew what to say but will be thinking of you.


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I am so sorry Dogmom, about Mija, and London. Bless their beautiful Souls.

I remember this well. The pain would come like a great wave that I could do nothing about. A wave that rushed in, overwhelmed me and took me down into the depths. I went down with it and let go, and remember surfacing again, and thinking it was amazing that I came back up.

I was lucky, because I was alone. I didn't have to go to work (was retired) I didn't have to carry on with a semblance of normal life. It was just me alone with the waves.

All I can say that might help you is that these terrible waves of pain do ease up as time goes by....or they may happen at times which are not so crucial (like lunchtime at work just before a presentation etc) But for now, there is nothing unnatural about that, even though it must feel awful.

I found that if I allowed a complete abandon to the grieving, while in a safe space at a safe time, I could then gather my breaths, and my strength again, to be able to function at times when I had to (such as when driving etc...or with other people.) So many of my grief explosions happened in the night. Then they had worn off somewhat the next day, and I found I could focus more on the love for my girl, which was sweeter.
But I also recall getting little sleep, yet still functioning.

So what worked for me was allowing myself to go into the depths of grieving and not repressing it....but finding a time/space when I could let it out, then let it pass a little until the next time.

And yes, from what my dog showed me after she passed....they do wait for us and do still love us very much.
Hold the love like a little light. It is all you have, or will ever have, to find your way home.

Misty's Blog..a Dogfight with Cancer

Misty's life after death:
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