Thank you, everyone, for the kind replies during this difficult time.
I managed to go back to work today and I was fine until I realized this will be the first time I come home from work and he won't be there. I've been struggling to keep it together ever since.
I too am having issues with putting his things away. I had moved a litter box into the room he was always hiding in so that he didn't have to go down to the basement - as he was getting weaker and I was scared for him to be using the stairs. I can't get myself to clean it. I still have the syringes on the counter from when I was trying to feed him. I can't even get myself to touch them. Open cans of cat food in the fridge, I can't do anything with them yet either.
I've forced myself to do the things I have to do - like take a shower, knowing he won't be there waiting for me when I get out. So I'm making a little bit of progress of healing but with other things, I'm stuck. But I'm letting myself be like that because I know I'm not completely stuck with everything. I just need to be patient, give myself time, be gentle with this process. I've never experienced anything like this before.
It was so weird yesterday...I was already okay with the idea that he wasn't in the house anymore. I was very easily able to accept it and I'm not sure why. Maybe because he'd been sick for a month and had hid for most of the time and just wasn't around the house much anyway so this hasn't been much of an adjustment? But then, at totally random times, I will walk into a room and have some memory pop in my head of where he might have been sitting and I almost feel anticipation of hoping he'll be there...just to have my heart drop when he's not there. Then I almost just want to run out of the room.
But one thing I'm struggling with is trying to wrap my head around the fact that he's gone. I was there with him when he passed but for some reason I just can't get my brain to accept it. Like it can't be real, it doesn't make sense. He was so healthy, full of life, happy, etc and then out of nowhere, like someone snapped their fingers, he started going downhill quickly. I just never EVER imagined this would happen to him. My other cat, Cami, she's 14 and has had health issues - crystals in her urine & hyperthyroidism. I honestly thought she would be the one to go first because of her complications and just because she's older. So this is strange to me. It takes me back to when I first got her and it was just the two of us in the house. There's part of me that's happy for her that this happened because she never liked Tiger. He was always pouncing on her and she became very nervous. Now I'm slowly starting to see her personality come back out. I guess I'm trying to find any positive I can with this truly horrible situation.
But what I wouldn't give to have him back, healthy, just to hold him one more time. To stroke his fur one more time. To hear him purr one more time.
I feel so very broken right now.