It's been 7 weeks since I lost Siris, my 18ish yr old husky. I adopted him when he was around 15yrs ago. He wasn't a pet, he was my family. People often don't get that, but I feel like from the posts on here, you know what I mean. He was my first family. He came into my life before my daughter, before my husband. I called him my oldest baby. I thought I couldn't give up on him, and he never, ever gave up on me.
Even being so old for a husky, he acted like a puppy until about a year ago. Then it's been one health scare after another, but he always bounced right back. He slowed down of course, and started having accidents, but he was still happy, played, followed me everywhere. He was sweet and loving and had serious attitude. (ex: If we took too long to feed him he'd look right into my eyes while knocking things off the bookshelves with his paw in protest.) He was Siris, and being almost 18 never changed that.

Then, a few nights before he died he had another setback. His mobility was majority compromised, so I put him in his special harness and usually he'd be walking again after a few days. But this time he was crazy all night long for 4 nights in a row, but then seem fine again during the day. now I can see that he was panicky, but at the time I just thought he was being hyper. The night before he died something clicked and I realized it was the beginning of the end. I thought I was being practical, that I saw the truth. I thought he had only months left, of pain and suffering and sleepless nights. I thought I would have to make the horrible decision to put him down when he was suffering too much, and I didn't want that responsibility. I didn't want my daughter to hate me for killing a member of our family. All I could think about was how angry I was, how unfair it was, how exhausted I was. And I took it out on him. I yelled at him for not sleeping, for kicking me when I tried to calm him down. I yelled at my husband for not understanding what was actually happening.
I thought I had months. But I was wrong. He died on the car ride to the vet first thing that morning. He needed me and I turned my back on him. I should have put him in the bed with me and held him all night. I should have cuddled him and sang to him and told him how much I loved him and how good he was. But instead I yelled at him for keeping me awake.
Everyone else is moving on, but I lie awake every night, thinking I hear him, hating myself for his last hours. I'd give anything to have to let him out at 2am, to have his snoring keep me up, to have to clean up after his accidents. I get up every day and go through the motions. I have a 13 yr old daughter so I have to act normal for her, and I'm 5 months pregnant, so I have to eat for the baby. I feel if it wasn't for them I wouldn't bother getting out of bed.
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Oh dear, sweetheart....I truly feel for you. I am so sorry about your loss of Siris. For a start, his 18 years of good health right up until his last phase....is a testimony to how well you cared for him. 18 is a fantastic age for a Husky dog.

And you shouted at him right at the end. Oh boy I feel for you, and I send you a warm hug, We are not perfect beings. We make mistakes. They love us anyway. That's what unconditional love is about.
But still it hurts like a knife inside your heart. I know. I honestly do know, as I did the same to my Jack Russell way back in 1999. He was acting stupid and kept wanting to go home on a walk, but as he was up on a hill, I didn't want him taking off on his own to go home. We had gone out for firewood, and he had to stay with me. I shouted at him and pinned him on his back on the grass. I scared him.

I had no idea at that moment, that he was actually dying from cancer. He only lived 3 more weeks.

When we got home I stayed in a room by myself because I was so upset and sorry I had rounded on him like that. The door was pushed open, and in came my dog. He came up to me, wagged, and licked my tears.

It was instant forgiveness. Honest and true forgiveness. That showed me a lot about their love, their Souls, what they are really like. They are a lot better than most humans.

He was showing me love comes first. To let go and forget it. To be allowed to receive forgiveness. I have never forgotten it as I don't think I should. But his forgiveness showed me something.

And from my other, later dog, Misty (who passed in 2012) I was also shown a splendid thing; that they do indeed pass over to another life in Spirit. And when they are there, they are so radiant with love; it is all that matters to them.
From connections with her after her "death" or passing-over, she showed me love, joy, contentment, good energy, a warmth of Heart that is rare in this World, and not a trace of lingering over unpleasant things (such as vet visits etc) which happened at the end.
I sensed in her a deep and true understanding of us both at a Soul level. That is what seems to matter to them, not the misunderstandings we might have had sometimes, but the whole meaning of our relationship with them.

Be of good Heart if you possibly can. Love honestly does forgive.
Hold the love like a little light. It is all you have, or will ever have, to find your way home.

Misty's Blog..a Dogfight with Cancer http://www.mistysblog69.blogspot.co.uk

Misty's life after death: http://www.dog2spirit.com
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