prettymcikey
Hi. I need support from people who know what I am going through. I feel alone as most people cant really understand the huge loss of you fur baby. I had to put my beautiful girl to sleep last Thursday. We suspected she had insulinoma (pancreatic cancer) I just didnt really want to find out but the ER vet told me he highly suspected it after I rushed her there after we found her very confused and her hind legs kept giving up. I kept a close eye on her but kept feeding her frequently to control the symptoms. A few months later the same symptoms appeared and I took her to the vet where they ran all these test on her. While I was still waiting for the diagnosis each day she kept going down hill...no matter if I fed her meals or not. One day she had a vet appointment, I went outside in the morning  and found her just laying on her side. I kept calling her name but she wouldnt respond. I stated panicking and I got my brother to help me carry her to my car to take her to the vet. The vet fed her A LOT and her sugar level went up some. When I picked her up after spending the day in observation, she just seemed different. Her stomach was bloated ( I guess the food they gave her didnt agree with her). I stayed up with her all night...despite that she was super hungry and I kept giving her, her small meals. She started having mal seizures every couple of hours. She looked restless, she kept falling, and she would whimper. I had never seen her like that, it completely broke my heart. I told myself that I would not let her suffer like I had done with my other baby who died of CHF. I just decided to take her to the vet first thing in the morning and let her go peacefully. I dont know how I found the strength to go through all that but I had no choice as the rest of the family left me alone to deal with this. I guess they were in denial or idk. But I am still recentful towards some of them. I took my baby girl and I let her go in peace on thurday morning.
Nothing went like I thought. I thought the day she left me, I would go crazy. I thought I wouldnt be able to handle seeing her after she passed but I just wanted to keep holding her. She looked so peaceful. I walked home from the vets office since I was left there (my mom had to drop my sister at school and I didnt feel I"ll be able to drive in that position) and my walk just felt peaceful.When I got home...I cried like a big baby. God is the one who gave me strength to go through this. I would think of her and I would start crying. My sister was there for me the most and we both were completely heartbroken and completely full of tears.

It is now Monday and I am feeling better. But I feel so guilty for this. I felt so guilty over the weekend as if only I could prevent her getting sick or maybe I didnt feed her the best diet. But that beautiful german shepard/chow was a big joy and love in my life ever since she was a puppy. She wasnt even my puppy, she was suppose to be my brothers but I just loved her so much and she knew it! I would always talk to her and it seems like she understood me honestly. I am just at peace because I KNOW shes in a BETTER PLACE...I feel it in my heart. I can imagine her all playful and barking like when she was younger. She passed at 12 and those last years she started to slow down and not be as active. Its why I am happy that she can be her old playful self with out arthritis pain or that horrible illness. Of course I miss her A LOT but what most matters to me is what is in her best interest. I just feel so guilty b/c its too soon to start to heal....what is wrong with me? Is it because I was already expecting this day and because I know shes free of pain now? She lived a long lived and I did get to enjoy her. Theres so much she gave me of her and her memories I will always cherish in my heart. I just hope she knows where ever she is that I love her so much and I will miss her.

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prettymcikey
Sorry for the grammar and spelling errors....I just noticed :-/  I know it just looks all over the place. I hope its still understandable.
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Mac
No apologies needed for the typos - your thoughts and the emotions you were feeling were well-stated and I know I related to your story.

Please don't be harsh on yourself...when I read your account of what happened and what you did to keep your girl alive, your love for her stands out.  It was the right thing to do, no matter how painful it was for you.  I think you were very unselfish and brave to take that action, especially when you had to do so by yourself.

For me, I knew on an intellectual level that our girl was getting older, and had in fact exceeded the lifespan of her breed-nontheless, when she suddenly had severe seizures and died at home a few days later, despite our ER intervention efforts, we were devastated, and questioned ourselves for many days afterward, always both starting and ending each day with very deep sorrow.

As you have already learned, each person deals with loss differently - some people need to channel it into activities, others retreate into themselves with silent contemplation.  For me, it was helpful to put her things together, to assemble a photo album (while regretting I didn't have more photos than I did), putting flowers next to her picture and at the cemetary, etc.  I also turned to prayer and called upon my religious friends to say prayers in memory of our sweet girl.

Do the things that give you those happy memories, and don't judge yourself on any kind of "timing" - you may well have good days followed by bad days, so no one has a specific, approved timetable that you should measure yourself by. Reach out to others for strength and support, and also give that strength and support to those who need it.  I found this forum to be a wonderful place where people who really understand the special bond between owner and pet, especially when it happened to me and I had no resources to turn to.

Keeping you and your special girl in my thoughts and in my prayers...
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luvmyakita
First, I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dog. We just lost our 11 1/2 year old Akita, Tunaka last Monday. Much like you, I did everything in my power to assist him over the past several months as his health deteriorated. The days leading up to having to take him to the vet and several days after were simply devastating. Even though I knew he was sick I didn't think I was going to be normal ever again after having had to put him to sleep. 
Again, much like you, I needed to find some sort of happy memory to help me through the grieving process. Although I miss him dearly, I haven't cried about losing him in three days. Until today that is. Today we received several sympathy cards in the mail from friends. It brought back a rush of emotion and loss. 
The grieving process is strange and it effects everyone differently. Rather than worry about what the grieving process for you looks like compared to what it might look like for others, revel in the fact that you had a special relationship with your dog. As I'm finding out, some days I feel at total peace with Tunaka not suffering anymore and our decision to have him put to sleep. Other moments I miss him desparately. 
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prettymcikey
Hi. Thank you for your replies. It really helped me. Its so hard not feeling guilty and like maybe you could have done more.  But I realize that "what if" feeling is impossible to avoid but we need to know that we did our best and its what counts

Thank you Mac your message is very kind...God bless you! :-)

luvmyakita, Im sorry for your recent loss as well. Tunaka is such a beautiful name and unique perfect fit for an Akita who by the way are gorgeous.

You both were right! Everything is not magically better. The pain is still there...sometimes it hits me like a stab in a heart. I have to learn to live without my precious girl until I see her again. I believe if we're reuntited with our human loved ones, God wouldn't exempt our fur babies who taught us so much about unconditional love! Isnt that what God is all about? So I still have hope :-)


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