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Marie123

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Reply with quote  #46 
Raven LOVED paper or those big mailing envelopes to sit on. And boxes. And pretty much anything I needed to use at the moment. She'd attack my shoes when I was lacing them up, either because she knew I was leaving or she was jealous of the shoes themselves being "petted." She was always my little weirdo lol!
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Sunshineambi

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Reply with quote  #47 
It's so lovely to hear about all the different personality characteristics your kitties had. When Amber died we felt so sad because we felt like we would never find another cat like Amber. And while I still know that's true, and no cat will ever replace Ambie, I now feel more hopeful that we will find at cat who has its own traits and intricacies that make it just as loveable.
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Marie123

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Reply with quote  #48 
Roswell has taken over a lot of Raven's "weirder" quirks but she's still very much her own purrson lol. I know there will never be another cat like my sweet girl but maybe one day there will be another little black kitten that needs me. Until then I'll cherish the memories of my girl and try to enjoy my other animals (5 other cats, 3 newts, 17 garden snails and a host of wildlife I take care of.) They all love me too. Ive got to remember that. Take care, all!
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Chandlers_Dad

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Reply with quote  #49 

Hello, all,

I haven't been on here in over a week, and I see that in that time the forum has gained many more people. My heart goes out to everyone trying to cope with the loss of their beloved pet family members, as I have a keener understanding of it now than I ever have in my entire life. I especially feel the pain of those dealing with the absolute "rawness" of it, their beloved pets being gone only a matter of a few days, or in some cases, even hours. The emptiness at that time seems infinite, and the pain is excruciating. It transforms in dozen of directions from there, it seems.

I lost Chandler four weeks ago yesterday, and since that time I've been in a whirlwind of feelings and emotions. Some days are not so bad -- I can think about him and smile, look at pictures of him and feel warmth, and even talk about him without my voice cracking. Those days I cherish, because it means I'm finally letting my baby boy run free over the bridge without him having to worry that I'm not letting him go. He is much, much better off than I am, and because I love him so much I should be happy about that. When I said I took on his pain, I meant it -- he has none of that suffering any more.

But, without word or warning, I get crashed in the head by the ugly iron club called "GRIEF", and I fall to my knees all over again. The thought of never seeing, holding, or cuddling with him again is almost too much for me to bear. I still find clumps of his bright orange hair around the house. I've found a couple of his toy catnip mice that he liked to hide under/behind furniture. He used to love listening to music with me before we'd go to bed. Any of these things -- a hair, a toy, or even a song -- reduce me to a puddle of mess.

I am so thankful for this forum. Even though I don't get the opportunity to reply to everyone's posts, I appreciate being able to read others' experiences, as well as some of the insightful replies that others give. I have a feeling I'll be on here a whole lot throughout the duration.

Best to all,
Bruce

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Marie123

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Reply with quote  #50 
Hi Chandlers Dad! I know what you mean by the big iron club. It still hits me off and on. My Raven actually came to me twice in my dreams the night before last. Once she was running around under my feet and when I asked her if she'd come to see me, I reached for her and she blinked at me and made that little chirp she always made when she'd challenge me to a game of "kitty keep-away." The second time she was on the bed and I was hugging and kissing her side and haunches like I always did (before she got mad and smacked me one!) I've had signs from her before but never one this obvious. And those were the only parts of my dreams that made sense. Usually they're a drunken mashup of Salvador Dali and Heironymus Bosch images and that's on a GOOD night lol! It made me feel a little better knowing she's not mad at me for letting her go. It's so good to hear from you, and like you my heart goes out to all who are grieving. I hope Phoebe and her Mom are well. My crew is driving me crazy! I'm sending hugs and prayers out to everyone here and I hope you all find comfort in the memories of your precious babies.
Blessings from Marie and the crew 🌈
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Chandlers_Dad

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Reply with quote  #51 
Hi, Marie! Good to hear from you as well, and that is so awesome about getting to see Raven!!! She sounds like she was a loving little girl, and I am sure she's visiting you to make sure you're okay. Savor every second of it, Marie -- write those experiences down when you wake up, so you can relive the warmth over and over again to the same detail. Thank you for your thoughts about Phoebe and India. Phoebe is trying so hard to stand in for Chandler, even though this has meant adopting a very different personality from the skittish little thing she used to be. I'm giving her a lot of love, no doubt. They seem to understand when I start acting like a basketcase, LOL. Sending hugs and prayers to you and your crew, as well!
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Marie123

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Reply with quote  #52 
Thanks Bruce! Roswell is doing the same thing as Phoebe and standing in for Raven, even taking on some of her weirder quirks like covering up the boy cats' "litter box leavings" cuz they wont do it themselves (Raven always made an angry chattering sound when she did this!) And like you im giving her lots of extra love. Argento is being more loveable as well. Like you said they seem to know when I'm about to have a meltdown.
I'm going to keep a journal of when I see Raven in my dreams I think. This was the first good dream of her I've had since her passing so it's extra special. The 21st would have been my Mom's birthday so maybe they got together and decided to rattle my cage a bit haha! They were both a piece of work so I'm sure they're having a blast. I'm glad your other kitties are well. And don't feel bad about having a meltdown still. It's been over 3 months and I still go from Madame Calm and Collected to Screaming Banshee from time to time! I'm just glad I got to see my girl the other night. I hope that others who are hurting may experience their babies' love in this way too.
Sending blessings out,
Marie and the crew 🐱🐊🐌
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Chandlers_Dad

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Reply with quote  #53 
I think I am slowly going crazy.

Chandler has been gone 5 weeks. The past several days were good ones -- I honestly believed that in spite of the pain, I was moving forward, loving his mother and sister as they deserve, and regaining a sense of normalcy I have not felt since before I knew he was so sick. I truly believed that although I will love and miss him forever, I was empowered to move forward. I wasn't past it, but getting THROUGH it.

And then, tonight, I am feeling the excruciating loneliness and emptiness of him being gone once again, just like the night he died. I lost my parents and brother. I am going to see my terminally ill sister this weekend. But my heart is consumed by this CAT -- my baby buddy boy -- and I am in so much pain I can't even comprehend anything. I am going through the motions with everything, but this pain is so, oh damn, so unbearable... Love you, Chandler... Need to let you go, but don't know how....
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Chandlers_Dad

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Reply with quote  #54 
Thank you so much, BonniesMum... maybe it isn't time yet. I am just tired of feeling so sad. We can't put time limits on it, I realize, but I had no idea it would be this hard. Your Bonnie has been gone twice as long, and I offer my full support. I guess I need to feel like I am not alone in this. The forum has been incredible, but when I am alone at home without my Chandler, it's so difficult to accept. Again, I thank you.
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Marie123

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Reply with quote  #55 
Oh jeez Bruce I'm doing the same thing today! Just crying and crying for my Raven. I know what you mean. All my friends have some sort of garbage going on in their lives right now, and all I can think about is how much I miss my girl. It's like you're on this tiny island where it's just you and your pain, isn't it? I feel so bad, not being able to be there as much as I'd like to for them, and frankly I think they're sick of my grieving, but I sure didn't choose to feel this way! It just sneaks up on you doesn't it? My parents and grandparents are all gone too. My friends all are wonderful and they need me, I know. But like you said it just consumes you at times. Just know you're not alone. I hope your other kitties are doing well and give them extra hugs from me!
Take care now,
Marie and the crew 🐾❤
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RMR

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Reply with quote  #56 
That was a beautiful and touching story, thank you for sharing. I believe animals know when it is time to leave this world. The beauty of your story is that your best friend said goodbye. My heart goes out to you and I thank you for sharing your story.
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Chandlers_Dad

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Reply with quote  #57 
Thank you, RMR. That means a lot to me. Hoping you are doing well -- you are here for a reason, and whatever you are going through, please rely on this forum. So many people are feeling loss deeply, and by sharing our own feelings of loss, we can feel less alone.

Tomorrow it has been 6 weeks since I lost Chandler. Last night, I dreamt he muscled his way through everyone to jump into my arms and nestle on my chest -- just like he always used to do. About the time he got to my chest, I woke up. Cried and cried when I realized it was a dream.

This morning, my sister asked if I would take one of her cats. She has ALS that is rapidly progressing and she can't take care of them anymore. She knows how heartbroken I am about Chandler, so she thought I would jump at the chance to have another one. I said no. Chandler's mother and sister are enough for me at this point, can't even imagine another one, but I feel guilty for saying no...

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Marie123

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Reply with quote  #58 
Aawww I know what you mean, Bruce! I've got the other cats, newts, and garden snails so I've got my hands full. Plus my heart still belongs to Raven so another cat is out of the question right now. I had another dream about Raven where I was hugging her just like I always did (before she got mad and smacked me one!) It's always hard to wake up and realize it's just a dream. But like my sweet girl maybe Chandler is coming to tell you that everything is ok, that he loves you, and he's watching over you, his Mom and sister. My birthday is coming up and not having Raven here to celebrate with me is going to be so horrible! I'm half-hoping my friends will forget, so i can just stay home and have a good cry....
Don't beat yourself up over not taking your sister's cat. Your wounds haven't healed and you're still grieving, as I'm sure Phoebe and India are as well. Another cat might upset them right now as they're trying to reestablish their family unit. They're counting on you to put their needs first right now, just like Roswell, Argento and my others are counting on me. I know what you mean though. I wish I could take every cat, especially the black ones because nobody ever wants them. But I have to think of the ones I've already got. Maybe someday but right now I just can't. Right now, take your time to grieve, love your other kitties, and be good to yourself. Chandler will guide your heart.
Give them hugs from me! Marie and the crew 🐱🐊🐌
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Chandlers_Dad

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Reply with quote  #59 
** I tried posting this earlier, so if this is a duplicate, I apologize.

8 1/2 weeks. I still can't believe it has been that long. The pain is still so much more raw than I expected it to be by now. Everyone tells me it gets easier. So far, it hasn't. I still cry every night. Some days I feel like I'm sleepwalking... unable to really comprehend that my baby boy is gone.

Not that anyone knows, because they don't. I put on a damn good front -- at work, with family, with friends, etc. No one knows how heartbroken I am, and the only ones who really know are the ones reading this right now. All of you -- who have been there and are living it. I don't know what I would do without this forum.

A few days before he died, I found Chandler wrapped around his little stuffed toy, Mr. Foxy. He gave Chandler a lot of comfort in his last couple of weeks. Even though I was bawling as I took this picture, I still see Mr. Foxy and feel a sense of warmth. I have Chandler's cremains in a little container that stays in Mr. Foxy's arms all the time, so that little toy gives Chandler comfort even now. And it gives comfort to me, as well.

I really swear I'm going crazy.

I love you, Chandler buddy boy...


Attached Images
jpeg Chandler.JPG (68.17 KB, 18 views)

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Marie123

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Reply with quote  #60 
Hi there, Bruce! So good to hear from you!
What a precious picture! I'm holding back tears looking at it. Chandler has such a sweet face. What a darling boy.
It's been 4 and a half months since I said goodbye to my Raven, and it hasn't gotten any easier for me, either. My birthday last week was awful not having her here to rip bows off packages or jump into boxes and bags. And like you, I wonder if I'm going nuts. They say nature abhors a vacuum, but truth be told, I don't want that Raven-shaped hole in my heart to be filled. That was her place and her place alone, just like her spot on the bed. I'm sure my friends are tired of hearing about her but are too nice to say anything.
When you love someone as much as you love Chandler, and I Raven, I don't think it does get better, but we just become better at hiding it. I don't cry in front of my friends, but when I'm alone it just boils out. I almost broke down at the mall a couple times today. You think you're doing ok and then BOOM out of the blue it hits you and you're a wreck again. Little silly things. It's really weird to try and figure it out.
It's hard to move forward, it really is. Our babies are always in the back of our minds, even when we're doing something else entirely. I think it's normal. Even during the eclipse, all I could think about was "I hope Raven can see this!" You never let them go.
It's so sweet you kept Mr Foxy. I kept Raven's bowl and some of her toys as well. I just can't use them for the other cats. They stay by her urn.
Chandler was your boy. Raven was my girl. Nothing's ever going to take their place in our hearts or our lives. It was them guiding us to this forum I believe, where others understand how it feels.
I hope your other kitties are well, too. As always it's great to hear from you, and just know that you're not alone, Bruce! Blessings to you, Marie and the crew 🐱🐌🐊
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