opaqueblue
Well Remmie, mom attended the service here for you tonight ! It was over so quickly I didn't know what was happening. But, then again, that's good, I got very emotional and was relieved when it was done. Mom will always remember you, there is no service that can ever erase that !I could feel the pain of all those pet parents as they scrolled by so quickly. Remmie, Sunday was another painful day  without you. It was double painful because of what your sister did to me / us. Jen texted mama on Saturday night , which in itself was a surprise. She asked if we were gonna be home on Sunday after dad got home from church. I responded  "yes" and asked her why. She said that she wanted to come over after church and would have her charge , Drew with her. You know the kids don't call or text or come over, I am just an afterthought to them. I have detached from them, but you know that. So, while dad was at church , I cooked a big meal since she was actually gonna come over. She said she would call first ( but she didn't ) , she walked in the front door as we were just sitting down to eat. Wow, I thought , she actually showed up ! I had a momentary glimmer of hope ( stupidly ). She brought Drew with her . I went to get down dishes for both of them to eat with us , but she stopped me. Instead, she went into the kitchen, got a few good sized containers and filled them up with lunch for her and Drew. She told him to get back into the car. She gave a quick hug, and said "thanks for lunch,we're leaving and going to Justin's house to be with the nephews ." And just like that, they were gone.I am gonna keep on detaching Remmie, there's just no reason to try anymore . She actually had the nerve to text a picture later on with all of them enjoying my home cooked meal . She stated " everyone enjoying your cooking, it went a long way !" I couldn't believe it Rem , I was stupid enough to cook a big meal and for what? I will never do anything like that again!!!
I was stupid Rem, mama was stupid once again, suckered all over again . I woke up this morning missing you double my little man. Dad was gone to work, he said nothing yesterday when I was so broken ( again ) about what happened. But then, why would I expect him to "feel for me ", he doesn't seem to have feelings , never has. I know, that if you had been here, you would have sat with mama while she cried this morning. But, you're not here, and mama cried double this morning. Double tears Remmie,..can a person cry double tears?Mama is taking down all the pictures of the kids and grandkids this week Rem. I'm putting up Autumn pictures where once was the pictures of your brothers and sisters and grandkids. Dad isn't happy about it, but too bad, it's not like he ever notices pictures on the wall anyways is it?It's just easier not having to see those pictures day in and day out. The pictures of dad's family at the 50th Anniversary party of his parents are being replaced with pictures of all my fur babies Remmie! Yup little man, YOUR picture is going up 1st !!!!Gonna fix the wall up with a clean slate, no more reminders of a  life that can't be!Mama got rid of that nasty old stereo and put your urn on the small fireplace in the corner.So proud to have you right there next to where I sit,..it's kind of like having you right with me Remmie. But then, you ARE right with me aren't you little man?vIt's like it always was, ..just me and you baby boy, just me and you!
Jesus take the wheel.
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opaqueblue
Hello my Remmie boy, it's mama again. 
I just needed to write to you about your life with me.
I need t say I'm sorry little man. 
I'm sorry for having Lupus. 
I'm sorry that for 9 out of the 11 years you were with me , I was sick. I'm so sorry little man that mama was not very involved in you life for those 9 years.
Mama tried Remmie , mama didn't want to be sick , mama could do nothing about my health , I was at the mercy of a disease that I could not control. 
I'm sorry, you could have gone to a home where the mama was healthy and able to interact with you.
I already had your brother , Maxwell , and Maxwell needed a friend , a friend to be with him. I too wanted a 2nd fur baby, little did I know that even that day we drove for hours to meet you, I was already in the throws of a disease I would lose a long battle with.
I was already feeling poorly that day, but was determined to get another fur baby, I wanted Max  ( and me ) to have a friend. 
You never played,..in the 11 years you were mine,..you never played,..Not even with Maxwell. I never could figure that out, A Springer Spaniel without a silly spot? It never made any sense to me. But,...you were mine, and I would have never returned you to the breeder. 

We brought you home.,,,You slept the whole 3-4 hour ride home on my lap, ..the lap of a total stranger! What a good boy you were. 
Maxwell tried everything to get you to play,..you refused. Max wasn't thrilled to have a new fur baby here and we had to discipline him many times. He tried,...he tried to get you to play. You never did play,..not once in 11 years did you play.

but,...You loved,..you loved far beyond any animal I ever saw love. You were love on 4 legs Remmie , you ARE love on 4 legs little man, and I miss that love with everthing in me. 
Then 2 years after you came to your forever home , when Maxwell was only 4 years old on that Christmas day , he dropped dead ! I know I got the blame for that.
Dad had gone the day before to pick up my meds, and put them on the dining room table . I was too sick and left them there over night. Max had NEVER  gotten up on the table to get anything.
We were alone, dad and I , the family had once again forgotten us. We were watching TV, when Max came in front of us, had a grand mal seizure and fell over dead !
It was Christmas day, we had no $$$ for a vet, plus he was completely dead. It turns out he got up on the table ( just a few feet away from us  ) and got my meds , ate them, and was dead within a matter of moments.
We NEVER  heard the plastic bag rattle, we never heard the paper bag inside of that bag rattle. The med bottle had zer chew marks in it. And yet. Max was dead. Dad never forgave me for that  ( even though he refused to speak about it ) , I know he blamed me. He had to wrap you brother up in a blanket and put him out in the freezing cold so he would not rot here in the house. We couldn't afford a vet bill, so 2 days later, dad put Max in the garbage can, frozen solid, and had to put him out in the trash!!! Max was HIS fur baby, not mine. Max was gone for good. YOU mourned terribly, there was no consoling you , . All I could do was to hold you and love you.
You finally recovered, but still, you never played. 
How strange, a dog , a puppy that never played ever in it's life.
Max was brought home less than 24 hours after my 1st baby died. I was in pure shock over Franklin's death, I was down visiting Kim and her Springer. I was crying and sobbing. All of a sudden her brother called upstairs and said that dad was there and he was reluctant to send him upstairs . Dad came up the stairs, all smiles with this little puppy and said " I always wanted a Cocker Spaniel!"  I couldn't believe it. Kim and her brother just stood there in shock. My Franklin was dead and dad was there with a new puppy. On top of it he paid 1,100.00 $ for this puppy , $$$$ we didn't have! He went to work the next morning and left Max here with me, in freezing cold weather , with no fence to restrain him and went to work. I spent the next 6 months potty training this puppy in the freezing cold all hours of the day and night on a leash!!! It was badd enough I didn't WANT this puppy, but now ( while still in grief ) I was ladened with the task of going out in the Michigan snow every hour to housebreak this new addition to our family. 
Dad was oblivious! He didn't care that he had not given me ANY TIME to grieve over Franklin, he never put Maxwell on a leash and pottied him himself. It was my jog,..a job I DID NOT WANT OR ASK FOR !
I never did connect with Maxwell, something I feel guilty over. I pretty much got YOU both for him and for me. But again, didn't know I would be sick for the next 9 years!
You were a good boy Remmie , you were so very undemanding of me and housebroke in less than 24 hours!
Now you are gone, gone from my home, but never from my heart baby boy. I firmly believe that dad's lack of showing any emotion over your death is /  was a payback for me not attaching to Max , me not having put my meds away and Max dying from them , and he was not aobut to show mercy for me when I didn't fall madly in love with Maxwell.
I will say this : Maxwell, was NOT  a loving dog, he was very independent and aloof. It wasn't until we went away for a week and left him in the care of someone else that he finally acted like he gave a crap about his owner. Then, a few months later, he died. 
I feel some guilt over not having attached to him,..but, on the other hand , I was given zero time to grieve over Franklin, I mean zero!
And, the last 2 years we had him, when we got you, I was hit bad. LUPUS doesn't care what you want to do in or with your life. It is a relentless beast that just keeps attacking until it decides it is done.
And then, my spine collapsed during the last 2-3 years of the flare. ILLNESS, the gift that just keeps giving!!
I know that's part of the reason the kids all walked away. Do they not remember that they themselves were "special needs " kids ? What about all the years I put my illness aside to deal with organ transplants, asthma, leukemia , chemo therapy and endless surgeries? What about the endless hours spent on them in hospitals and specialists offices ? 
What about everything I did to make them feel special, while not making them feel different? On and on it went Remmie, just decades of endless battles to keep them alive? 
Now they are all well, and doing good in their lives, and  mom? Mom doesn't count. during the 9 years of me being sick, did THEY  come to the hospitals to see me? No.
Did they come to the nursing homes to see me try to rehab from this terrible disease ? No.
But YOU , you were there for mom, right by my side live velcro!!!
I miss you little man. Imiss a lot of things,..like being able to drive, or being able to even leave the house during the day for even just a walk.
Imiss you Rem,...
I miss having something that resembles having a life.
Good night little man. Sleep tight over the Bridge, where you are happy, playful, out of pain, with ability to see and hear, and feel no pain.
Good night my little man.
Ilook forward to , like you being able to shed this earthly body and run free to the Lord. He loves me even more than YOU do, and that , little man, is a whole lot of love!
Jesus take the wheel.
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Gingers_Mommy
Catherine, I'm sorry for all many different things your heart is aching for in addition to Remmie's loss. I'm concerned for your wellbeing. I'm glad you believe in God. I hope you consider the option of possibly talking with your church pastor/leader about all the different struggles you're dealing with. ~ sending hugs your way
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Sampson
Hi Catherine, I agree with Ginger’s mom. You’ve had far too much to deal with. Time for you to find someone to help take some of the load off. Sometimes it can be too much for our spouses so someone outside of that circle would be good. It really does help just to talk. It’s so tough when we lose our best friends because they filled that void of always being there and always loving us. I know how much you miss Remmie. Please keep posting here where we understand the pain you are feeling over losing your beloved boy. Wishing you peace.
Sam
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opaqueblue
Gingers_Mommy <http://forums.rainbowsbridge.com/profile/6945001>
Sampson <http://forums.rainbowsbridge.com/profile/4440654>,Thank you for your concern, I don't really ave any choice but to do this alone ( but with God ) I've been in and out of counselling for years. Right now , I've had to stop going because we still owe the counselor close to $500.00 ( our insurance doesn't cover it ) .As far as talking to a Pastor, Just about a month before my Remmie died, I left my church of 34 years ( a hard decision ) But my husband remains there , very involved with many things there.
You're right, I am carrying a load that is indescribably heavy , and my days are very long and alone. I don't drive and would have no way to get to see someone anyways. Due to circumstances in my life, it seems as if the load has always been heavy. Family and friends have pretty much abandoned me, and it's left me to deal with things just with the help of God. It just is what it is , and this is the hand I've been dealt.
Jesus take the wheel.
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Gingers_Mommy
I'm sorry about your circumstances Catherine. Your continued belief in God in spite of all the downfalls shows you have faith. Continue to post and vent as needed.
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opaqueblue
Gingers_Mommy <http://forums.rainbowsbridge.com/profile/6945001> , thank you , He's pretty much who I hang on to !
Jesus take the wheel.
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opaqueblue
71726462_10162709481765151_1969919546680672256_o.jpg
Jesus take the wheel.
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opaqueblue
Always a present for mama!
Jesus take the wheel.
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Gingers_Mommy
The picture of Remmie is beautiful. There's a kindness and softness in his eyes 😍
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opaqueblue
Gingers_Mommy wrote:
The picture of Remmie is beautiful. There's a kindness and softness in his eyes 😍
Jesus take the wheel.
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opaqueblue
The gentleness of Remmie was unlike any other dog I have ever seen ! Everyone that he came in contact with , was overwhelmed with his gentle spirit ! Missing his sweet 💓 spirit!
Jesus take the wheel.
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