Mstlvdogz
On 9/30/17 my dog was found hit by a car after she got out on my boyfriend's watch while i was at work. I still can't get the image of her out of my mind....i chose to try n salvage my relationship bc I know it wasn't on purpose..but there are times I can't look at him in his eyes without seeing hers. I can't drive down the road where she was found without reliving it all. I looked n looked....i was exhausted...i couldnt go anymore...n my poor baby was dying while I slept. I can't forgive myself...for trusting him...for going to sleep when I should've been out there looking for her. I feel like I'm disrespecting her just by still being with him. I feel I was forced to get thru it way too fast bc of my decision to try n fix my relationship. I feel crazy at times bc of it.
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Furevrmommasbabies
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious fur baby. I’m sending lots of love your way. The tragic loss of a beloved pet is multiplied when you feel rushed to move on. It’s totally normal to feel everything you’re feeling. I hope you can find comfort in knowing that your fur baby is not worried or upset about how she died. She holds the love she has for you and wants you to forgive yourself
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CK1991
Your story is very sad. It had to be awful seeing your beloved dog there on the road. From what you've described it sounds like you tried your best to find her and you were exhausted. This may sound terrible but she may have already been gone and if you'd known she'd been hit by a car of course you would not have stopped looking but you had no way of knowing that. It's 20/20 hindsight. Chances were she could have come back the next morning or day as many lost dogs do.
How did she get out? Can you share a litttle more about what happened? You said it wasn't on purpose so you decided to try and salvage your relationship with your bf but if you are still finding it hard to look at him I think you will have to somehow deal with this awful tragedy as a couple.
How does your bf feel? Does he feel guilty because it was "on his watch"? Do you talk about it?
I sense that you may have tried to just get over it but it's not working so that's why I say you need to talk about this with your bf and let him know how much you still miss your baby and how much it is still bothering you to even drive down that road. September was not that long ago in terms of grieving your baby's loss but but it is a long time to still feel so upset with your bf.
What kind of dog was she?
How old was she?
It might be good to talk about her and this is a safe place for you to express those feelings you have tried to get over. I hope you will post and tell more about your beloved dog and also if you are able to discuss this with your bf. I know you are suffering. I'm so sorry. Hugs to you!
CK
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Mstlvdogz
I'm having a hard time replying to these responses. I write pages n it's not here....im gonna write this for now can someone tell me if it posts?
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Mstlvdogz
I just wrote so much...hit reply n it was gone. My head hurts from crying so hard typing all of that out. I'll attempt again tomorrow. I'll start by saying squirrel was a Chihuahua. Her age unsure bc I rescued her from a shelter...i fell in love with her big eyes n her tongue that hung out of her mouth. She could've seen 8-13...who knows. But this was way before her time no matter how old she was. She was happy n healthy n I was responsible for her life. I feel like I failed her.
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Mstlvdogz
I just wrote so much...hit reply n it was gone. My head hurts from crying so hard typing all of that out. I'll attempt again tomorrow. I'll start by saying squirrel was a Chihuahua. Her age unsure bc I rescued her from a shelter...i fell in love with her big eyes n her tongue that hung out of her mouth. She could've been 8-13...who knows. But this was way before her time no matter how old she was. She was happy n healthy n I was responsible for her life. I feel like I failed her.
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catiebee
I am so, so sorry for your pain and for the horrible way you lost your sweet baby. I know your pain is way off the charts. Grief is just excruciating and this was such a shocking, tragic end. 

I'm sorry, too, that you're having a hard time posting. But I hope being here and connecting with people who understand your pain will be a help. I wish you much, much comfort.
Catie
-Missing Marissa deeply
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Mstlvdogz
Squirrels story....
I was at work. My boyfriend let them out in the yard...knowing damn well they were to be watched. A few months prior squirrel n her partner in crime bean had gotten out on his watch. They were lucky this time n were returned by a good Samaritan. I've never had to watch my dogs when they were out..but i feel she was trying to find me n tried to escape. U would think after that he would learn...for a while i felt he did bc he'd send me pix to ease my mind that he was watching them. When did he stop caring? Should I have kept asking him for pix every time? Shouldn't I be able to trust him just alil bit to just keep an eye out?
The night she got out was like any other nite I worked. I came home n for some reason wanted to go Check on them in their crates..which I normally wouldn't do once everyone is asleep. I peeked in the crates...squirrel n bean shared one. No squirrel. I run out into the livikng room n say "where's squirrel?!" Hoping to god he was gonna say something like "she's here with me we were chillin" ....nope...instead he says "she's in the crate with bean "....i felt my heart drop...NO SHE ISNT!!!! I replied. He says he let them out around 7...i got home at 8ish...over an hour had gone by. She Could've been rite on the other side of the fence for 45min wondering when someone would notice she was missing before wandering off. All he had to do was open his f***** eyes!! To pay attention for 1 second!!! U would think a man with 3 kids would be more observant....the same man who watches HIS dog like a hawk bc she can jump the fence if she wanted. Why not the same concern for mine? Espec after the first close call??
We have talked. He gets defensive mostly. He always does when he feels like a dick. He'd rather it just go away with an I'm sorry n the fact it wasn't on purpose. Personally I don't think he can handle the guilt. The same guilt times 1000 I carry everyday knowing I left her in his care n she died...that I slept while my baby died alone on the side of the road. I try to give him scenarios...like wat if I took his kids to six flags...only came back with 2 n didn't notice til I got home after the 2hr ride? Top it off with the kid was found dead....
I'll give u one guess at his reply....
"You can't compare my kids to your dogs"
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Mstlvdogz
We searched for 2 days...on the 2nd night I put her crate outside the her bed n hot dogs trying to call her home. The next morning she was found. He found her. I was out with a friend in a field across the street from my house n I get a text "come home"...at first I got excited thinking he found her. We pull in the driveway n all i see is his jacket on the hood of his car. I knew she was in there...i unwrapped her little body...that had not a scratch on it...her little tongue was out. I lost it. I Should've punched him in the face but I was so blinded by sadness I just fell into my friends arms crying. We rushed to the vet n she was sent to be cremated. He didn't even pay for that. Which I feel he should've.
I never asked him exactly where she was found. He prob wouldn't even remember if i did. I'm not sure i want to know. I'm haunted by the vision of her little face when i found her. Sometimes I wake up n I'm crying before I'm even awake enough to know wtf I'm even crying about.
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Mstlvdogz
We searched for 2 days...on the 2nd night I put her crate outside the her bed n hot dogs trying to call her home. The next morning she was found. He found her. I was out with a friend in a field across the street from my house n I get a text "come home"...at first I got excited thinking he found her. We pull in the driveway n all i see is his jacket on the hood of his car. I knew she was in there...i unwrapped her little body...that had not a scratch on it...her little tongue was out. I lost it. I Should've punched him in the face but I was so blinded by sadness I just fell into my friends arms crying. We rushed to the vet n she was sent to be cremated. He didn't even pay for that. Which I feel he should've.
I never asked him exactly where she was found. He prob wouldn't even remember if i did. I'm not sure i want to know. I'm haunted by the vision of her little face when i found her. Sometimes I wake up n I'm crying before I'm even awake enough to know wtf I'm even crying about.
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Mstlvdogz
My biggest concern is that 3rd chance...bc if anything else ever happened to any of my dogs on his watch id never forgive myself let alone him.
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CK1991
Hi! Have you been replying in the box at the bottom that says "Leave a Reply"? It would make more sense to leave a reply there "but" it will only take so many words and then cuts you of. I'm not sure why this is but when I first started posting I had to try different things and realized this. Just hit reply right at the bottom or top of the post and you should be able to write as much as you like.
I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. Have you seen your doctor? My doctor gave me something to help after I lost my second dog. I was a hot mess. You are going through such a hard time waking up and crying before you're even fully awake so it seems like you're not even getting a break from the grief of losing Squirrel when you sleep.
It sounds like your bf is defensive and perhaps he is carrying guilt. Sometimes people can't handle this and react in different ways. He did find Squirrel and put her in his jacket. This tells me he cared. When you fell into your friend's arms he might have felt like he was left out which would have increased his guilt. Over time it seems he has sensed your anger towards him and may have become angry himself. I feel you have a decision to make. If you can't ever forgive your bf it will poison the relationship. You have every right to feel angry. He made a mistake that cost you big time and it can't be undone. You have to ask yourself some questions. Did he do it on purpose or do you think he was deliberately careless? If his dog does jump the fence then maybe he really needs to keep more of an eye on this dog. Does he treat his dog as well as his children or does he make a distinction that his children are more important? What I'm getting at is that his comment to you "that you can't compare" may be actually what he believes. Many of us (myself included) feel our dogs were our children. However not everyone feels that way. It might help if you could both see a counsellor to work out these issues and whether he can really try and understanding where you are coming from and whether if he is truly sorry you have it in your heart to forgive him. It's good you're letting some of your anger out here. I understand the anger. I would feel the same but then after sometime I would have to look at how my bf felt. what it would be like to be in his shoes. I hope your headache is better. I really would talk to my doctor and maybe get something to give you at least some temporary relief. I hope you will write more when you feel better and let out the grief you've been carrying since you lost your beloved Squirrel. Hugs to you,
CK
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Mstlvdogz
I don't feel he has the right to be angry...he needs to deal with his guilt like I do. I loved her so much...ive never lost a dog to the road. The part that's hard is the only thing I did wrong was trust him with my babies.
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Mstlvdogz
He didn't n still doesn't understand how hard it is to let the one responsible for ur pain comfort u thru it. He just wants to make it right...but how is an I'm sorry enough when he knew better? If I'm upset n he wants to hug me I want to hurt him. I know he doesn't feel the pain I feel. He didn't even cry when we found her. He's never cried for her. I feel his life has been fixed thru I'm sorries n he feels I should just be able to accept it.
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CK1991
We all react differently to grief. I can tell how much pain you are in and "anger and guilt are both a part of grieving so fiercely". Unfortunately your anger right now it directed at your bf and no matter how bad he feels it won't bring your precious Squirrel back. I would be so furious if someone was watching my dog and made a mistake and something bad happened. But we are human and we make mistakes. If I were in your boyfriend's place I would be wondering what I could possibly do to make things right. You say he wanted to hug you but you feel too angry and that he says he is sorry but that's not enough.
When he found Squirrel and laid him in his jacket he must have felt terrible waiting to see your reaction. You fell into "your friend's arms" crying. Your bf must have felt terrible standing there knowing how upset you were and that you were more then likely blaming him. Men sometimes feel like they need to be strong so he didn't cry. He may also have been feeling too bad or too guilty to cry. Again, I think if you could visit a councillor together then you might both listen more to what the other person is saying and how the other feels. He may understand that Squirrel was every bit as important to you as his children are to him. You may hear things from him that you are not even aware he is feeling. Please don't let this go on unresolved. You will not be able to heal if you are carrying around guilt for going to bed (after searching until you were exhausted) and anger that your bf was careless and it cost you your wonderful Squirrel. I hope this is something you both will consider.
One last thing I thought of is the driver who hit Squirrel. Why didn't this person stop? I would definitely be feeling some anger there as well but then I would just be feeling angry that I lost my beloved dog. Sometimes it's easier to feel anger then grief because it hurts less. Losing Squirrel was a terrible loss for you. I'm so very sorry for your pain! CK
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