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Shadowslove
Today I can't read anyone else's posts, I am trying to go to bed with positive thoughts in my head.  I was thinking about Shadow last night and my life and routines with her.  I realized I was a good kitty mommy to her, as much as I could be, and that I am glad she is not suffering.  This is not to say that I would not give anything to have had her with us longer, but she was too sweet a soul to have suffered.

I realized that I was good to her and in turn, she loved me.  I got up an extra 15 minutes earlier every morning, going upstairs to pet her and love her, give her special food and just say hi every morning (was actually a little late a couple morning because I wanted to hang with her a few more minutes).  From the first day we brought her in, I didn't want her to feel alone or scared so I put my alarm clock/sound machine in the room with her and turned it on the sound of crickets so she would feel comfortable while she slept.  I made her special beds, We bought her special toys.  I cleaned her little tooshy when she had diahrea that first week (never done that before!) and she loved the kitty wipes I used to help clean and groom her the first couple of weeks.  She would just sit and purr!!  If I were standing in the room and not sitting, where she was unable to get on my lap, she would come over and sit on my foot just for contact.  She was good for my heart and I think I was good for hers.  I remember driving her to the vet that last day, trying to adjust the temperature in my car so she was comfortable, trying to drive super carefully, and turning the radio down because I figured her ears were more sensitive than mine.  I tried to be as good to her as I knew how and I think she knew that and loved me for it.  And Dan was amazing to her as well; she had him wrapped around her little teeny tiny paws.  She was loved.  Today, these are the memories I will try to focus on.

May God bless all of you and may the pain be a little less for everyone today.  May our furr babies have an awesome day today in heaven and know nothing but joy, happiness, and love.  Thank you again for this board and responses, you are all amazing!
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llc831
Shadowslove, I just lost my 4-month old Percy to FIP on Sat 9/11. Every single thing you've written echoes the devastation I feel. I was his foster mom but had cared for him since he was about a month old. He was feral as can be when I got him, but warmed up quickly as kittens tend to do. I've lost kittens before because they failed to thrive from the get-go. That's hard. What's extremely devastating about Percy, though, was that he was HEALTHY, playful, totally fine - and then wham, 2.5 weeks later he was dead. He stopped playing, was lethargic, and only wanted to cuddle with me. Then his abdomen bloated out last week. I researched and knew in the back of my head what it was, but was afraid to admit it. When the bet showed me his blood and the fluid in his abdomen, I knew that he didn't have any time left.
I want to tell you that you did the right thing. There is no cure, and the treatments for it - steroids, inferon, etc - all have extremely mixed results. They can make him sicker. What I had to ask myself was, "Will keeping him alive for 2 more weeks be for him, or for me?" It would be for me, and he woudl have been in pain, and I cannot have him endure that. You chose the selfless route, I promise.
That does not make it easier. I've lost older pets in the past, and been sad but at peace. With Percy, I have been crying ANGRY tears. Angry at God, mostly, for taking him away so suddenly when he was a thriving little boy. I think that time is just going to have to help that.
I also promise you that opening your heart to her has left a wonderful mark on your soul that you shoudl share with another kitty at some point - not anytime soon, but I work in animal rescue - we see so few people that love and care for their pets like you do. It's so incredible to find one who does, and that love must be shared with other kitties down the road.
My heart breaks for you and sweet Shadow. I know she and Percy are kitty boyfriend and girlfriend up in Heaven.
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Shadowslove
@llc, I'm sorry you lost Percy.  I hate this damn virus that I'd never heard of before last week; it's devastating for all involved!  I hear you with the angry at God thing, I'd been feeling that at well, among so many other different emotions I'm sure that you understand.  My heart has hurt so badly over this, but every morning after work I am coming home and writedown my memories of Shadow.  Some of them bring tears, most bring sad smiles. My point is that I think the writing, and all of the positive energy from everyone on this site, is helping me deal with it.  Plus my little Boo has been pretty affectionate, which is a nice change of normally independent attitude.  Shadow was such a positive force in our lives, mine, my fiance' and Boo's, that I've already decided we will (hopefully) adopt another at some point.  I think she was great for Boo, and watching the two of them play was the highlight of mine and Dan's day.  Shadow brought Boo out of his shell when it came to "getting along well with others".  The first couple weeks I was so afraid my 13 lb. Boo would kill my 1 lb. Shadow, however she faired well and after hissing and trying to warn Boo off she would snuggle that much closer to me.  She was a force.  Anyway, I loved her and I know we won't be ready for a while, but I hope one day we will be able to open our home back up to another loving little furr baby.  Thank you for working with animal rescue; I have always wanted to do that but I get WAY too attached and I would end up spending all of my waking moments aching for those animals that did not make it.  I appreciate those of you that can make a difference and put yourself out there to the small ones who need/deserve so much love and affection.  And thank you for the though of her with a kitty boyfriend.  I  just pictured Boo licking away at her little head and cleaning it and how she would just close her eyes and let him.  She loved having Boo around as her big brother and I am sure the would love cuddling with Percy as her kitty boyfriend! 

I hope you have a smooth day with few tears and that your heart hurts a little less today.  We were blessed to have known our little furr babies; they were here for more reasons than we will ever know, I am sure.  Take care of yourself!
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Shadowslove
Dan and I decided on an urn for Shadow yesterday.  It's a pretty wooden box with a battery run candle in the center with a little kitty cut out in the wood that looks like she's on a window sill.  I want to try and remember her healthy and happy and all the other urn's just make it so final.  I figure with the candle, I can light it every once in a while (I think I read on Monday's candle's are lit in remembrance of our lost fur babies) and just pay my respects to her memory. 

Today is one week that she passed, at approximately 1 pm was when she was taken from me.  I am stricken occassionally with tears when I see something or remember something that's just too raw for me to think of.  Dan told me yesterday that he used to smell her little fur and she had just developed her specific special smell.  I can tell he misses her a lot, but we are both dealing with it much differently.  But I can say I am at least dealing with it.  I loved that baby so much, but the thought of her continuing to be in pain is something I never would have wanted.  I know that, given the circumstances, I did the best thing.  I just wish the circumstances would have been different, however I have zero control over that so I am trying not to do this to myself.

Dan has agreed to get another little fur baby when we are ready.  I think we will probably look online at the aspca...I can't go there in person or I leave in tears and will try to take home multiple kitties and puppies, which we really can't afford. 

I have sworn that if I ever win the lottery I will donate a large portion of my winnings to funding research to try and find a solution for FIP.  My heart bleeds for everyone who has been touched by this horrible, viscious, unforgiving virus.  I wish I could do something now to erradicate it!!@

Anyway, I pray for all of us who are hurting to make it through this day to hopefully a brighter tomorrow.  I think today is going to be very difficult for me, given the fact that I woke up at 3 am with her in my head.  I miss her so much. :( 
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Shadowslove

My heart is sad today.  I miss her skinny little self and her antics.  Boo keeps sitting at my office door because we still have the gate up; I wonder if he thinks Shadow is on the other side.  I kind of feel guilty for happy moments that I have had this last week and resuming my "normal" life.  I miss her. When does this get easier??  The vet sent me a nice card but I have been avoiding them; I don't know if I can ever go back there, despite how wonderful they were....I just miss her!

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judylinn

It will take a while for the missing to stop. all you can really do is to feel the pain. the best way through the grief to the other side, is to allow the feelings as tough as it may be.  Prayers are with you... Judy

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Shadowslove
I am having a rough day today.  I'm not sure if it's because the vet called yesterday to say Shadow's ashes are in & we can pick her up.  Or if it's the fact that we ordered her urn.  Or if it's simply that I miss her.  I am so sad.  I keep picturing her prancing around the house so happy and energetic.  I remember her little paws reaching out from under the bed attacking our feet and Boo.  I remember getting up early to feed her and how she'd either be lounging on my desk, in her make shift bed, or under my dad's chest of drawers.  Her batting around the little ball, or even a piece of paper that I threw on the floor.  How Dan and I sat at the top of the stairs with her, just holding her and her loving us.  How Dan taught her to play and sh e would chase his fingers all around his body; we laughed so much.  She would meow at me in protest when I left for work and was just so loved.  I miss her.  I love Boo, but he is very independent and I can see that he is missing her as well.  He wants me to play, and I am trying, but I just keep crying today.  My heart misses her sweet little adorable trusting face.  I was so looking forward to fattening her up and seeing her a healthy little kitty, running around and causing mischief in our house.  It's just not fair that she was taken at such a young age. 

I read an article this morning, I think in USA today, about how pet's are becoming such a big part of our life's in society and how a lot of people are dealing with the grief of losing loved fur babies.  The article talked about this man's kitty Sinatra (I think that was his name) and how the little kitty got cancer and they had him put down at their home so he wasn't scared at the vets office.  And then my mind flashed to when I was there with Shadow and how panicked she looked after they attempted to drain the fluid off of her lungs.  It breaks my heart over and over again.  I feel so badly that her last hour was spent in this way.  I wish I could have done something differently and made things easier for her.  She was so trusting.  I remember coming home that morning and Dan telling me she had been sleeping in the closet all night.  When I walked into the bedroom he said she came out for the first time.  She just looked at me.  The last 24 hours she didn't purr very much, and the entire time we had her she was always purring.  I should've known.  I should've taken her sooner.  I just wish ....  for her.  I miss her so badly.  I wonder when the tears will stop.  I wish I could handle this more clinically like Dan.  In our profession we both see death on a regular basis (him more so than I)....he says he's just trying to think of it like work.  I can't seem to do that.  I seriously feel like I lost a family member, and seeing someone die at work is different than losing a family member.  Ugh!  I feel like I'm in a viscious circle of depressive thoughts about my little baby, who I loved with all my heart.  I've lost a piece of my heart with her and I don't feel like I'm coping with it well. 
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Shadowslove

Just thinking of her tonight.  We have her urn and it looks nice.  I couldn't go in the vet's office to pick up her ashes, was just too hard.  I am thinking of all of you tonight that have lost a loved fur baby and praying that it is an easy night where you can remember your loved one without tears.  xoxo

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Leigh
Shadowslove,
Don't be surprised if you feel a lot calmer when you bring Shadow's ashes home.  I did when Mary came home.  It felt right...she was back where she belonged.
You are, without a doubt, on an emotional roller coaster.  It's been almost 10 weeks since my Mary was put to sleep.  I no longer just wander around crying all day but sometimes, out of the blue, I'll start crying for Mary. 
My dad died 4 years ago, too, and losing Mary actually has been much worse.  That totally startles and confuses me.  How can I feel that way over "just a dog" that lived with us for 14 years versus my father?  Dunno...but that's the way it is.
My mother hasn't understood my grief and has said some horrible and cruel things.  It feels like she's stabbed me in the heart when she says something stupid and hurtful.
Do you feel guilty if you have a little bit of enjoyment?  That's normal, too.
Your dreams of life with Shadow have been taken away and your mind has to deal with it.  I don't think the old adage that "time heals all wounds" is correct but time will allow you to adapt and learn to live without your precious baby.
Hang in there, Shadowslove.
(hugs)
Leigh
Cry when you need/have to but also let yourself smile.
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Shadowslove
@ Leigh,
I just wanted to say thank you for your last post.  I am sorry for your loss of Mary as well as your mom saying hurtful things to you!  I too lost my dad and I completely understand the death of your furr baby enhancing the pain and making you relive the pain of your fathers death.  Right there with you!!! It just brought it all to the forefront and hurt so bad.  People that aren't experiencing what you are going through and have never experienced themselves have no reason to judge and/or be angry with you for the way you feel.  Losing a loved one is hard.  Period!

I am writing this as I have a new little furr baby sitting on my stomach, purring away.  Dan and I adopted two new little babies on the 13th, a little over one month after Shadow's passing.  I'm still not sure I am ready for the babies, but I love them already in a different way.  They make me laugh a lot and make me remember different things about Shadow.  I had actually gone to the shelter to sign up for adoption, but we walked out with a baby boy and a baby girl (brother and sister).  I didn't want to seperate the two and my fiance' agreed after a short discussion.  In Bob, our little boy, we have a lap kitty.  In Roxy, our little girl, we have the crazies most energetic kitten ever!  They are a joy to watch.  My heart still hurts sooooo badly for Shadow and I miss her a ton, but I have found in the last couple of days that my heart still has room to love more.  I find that I am paranoid and watching for any small sign that there is anything wrong in the kittens.  Bob I am 90% sure has a URI and I called the vet today.  I feel like a new mother again, but it's different this time because I am soooo scared of facing a loss.
As I type this, Boo, my 5 year old is dragging his toy to me to play with him.  He hates the kittens as of now, but he is gradually getting closer and exploring them.  And I find he wants much more attention from me than normal.  Overall, I am finding that love is the cure for pain; I have laughed more the last couple of days and am enjoying the time with my new babies and my little boy.  There is no getting over Shadow, however, as you said, time will help me deal with it.  Time, and sharing some of the love in my heart with new little babies that needed a good home.

I pray that you find some happiness without guilt and can eventually think of your Mary's memories without too  much pain.  If you ever want to talk, whether it's about your dad or your Mary, I would gladly listen.  Take care of you & sending hugs your way too!

Eva
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Rottiesmammandaddy

I'm happy you've found two new babies to love unconditionally, I'm sure your furbaby will be happy for you. Best of luck with you newbies. I pray that the pain will continue to ease with time.

In Loving Memory of Rottie, our baby boy
http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/ROTTI002/Resident.htm
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judylinn

Eva, thanks for sharing about your 2 new babies. they sound so cute, and how nice that they each offer something different. Is Boo a big boy or a little one...he will probably grow to love the kittens too. blessings. Judy

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