MLovesRuby
Well I brought my beautiful cat Ruby home today. The drive to the vet was horrible. The same drive I took with her in the car almost 3 weeks ago. Three weeks ago she as with me on the front seat in her carrier. She was fussing a bit and I talked to her the whole way there. Never did I think that it would be the last time I talked to her. The person opened my car door and carried her away....the last time I saw her. I didn't get to see her inside the office, or the exam room. In January of this year Ruby got treated for a UTI and I was allowed inside the office, inside the exam room and when she was there overnight for 2 nights, I visited her every day and brought her treats and tuna and they let me stay with her as long as I could. I was lucky to take her home after that. This time, 4 months later, I came home with a box with an urn inside and her empty carrier.  They also gave me a little ceramic print of her paw. The same little toes that I would kiss and nibble on. It hurts to look at that urn and know that that's my Ruby . I just can't fathom she's in there. Today hurts really bad. My heart is broken into pieces.  My perfect kitty, my soft, warm, sweet purring love of my life is really gone......this is sooooo hard.  
Michelle
Quote 0 0
fvernon
Hi Michelle,

I really empathise with how you are feeling, I am due to pick up my cats ashes this week and I am dreading it - the vets is in another town 30 minutes ago so I never do the drive except to go to the vets and the last time I went was to take my cat Spike a few weeks ago.  Like you, I had no idea that when they took him off me in the carpark that it would be the last time I would see him. He had to stay in for a couple of days to be catheterised and when he didn't improve , he had to be put to sleep but I can't get out of my head that that last drive with him and sitting waiting for the vet to come out would be the last time I would see him.  It is really really hard, I am also scared to see the urn and to think my little boy is in there. 
Sending you lots of love and just know that you're not alone.

Fliss 
Quote 0 0
SashaWolf
I’m going tomorrow to take Lola my love home.
I have no words left to talk about my pain. I just remember how she was looking up to me asking to stop her fear and pain. She put her little face in my palm and she trusted me with a sigh.
She was perfect, she behave even if she was paralyzed from fear and pain.
I still feel like I’m dying. I miss my angel.
But I know she is not alone. She is with Ruby, rubbing her little face on her and telling her: where have you been? I’m so happy to see you, I’ve missed you so bad, let’s cuddle together.
Quote 0 0
MLovesRuby
Dear Fliss….my heart is breaking for you.  I wish I could be with you to hold your hand.  It is one of the hardest things that we had to do, to wait outside while our babies were all alone.  No kiss goodbye.  The last time I touched her was when I put her in the carrier at home.  It has left me broken and hollow.  I honestly thought it was another UTI and I would be bringing her home.  It was such a total and complete shock that my Ruby was full of cancer and there was no chance for her.  She was behaving just like she was when she was diagnosed in January.  She never complained about pain or discomfort when I would mush her up...she was so brave and strong.  She was my 16 year old beauty.  This urn...….I have no words.  I can't look at it...I have it in my bedroom in my closet.  I know that may sound cold to some, but I DO NOT want to picture in my head that it's my baby.  Fliss, I thank you for your love, and want to send you strength for your journey to pick up your loved one.  It is hard.....but we have to know that our love is greater than our grief.  Hugs to you.

Dear SashaWolf...I too have no words....there are no words left to describe what my mind and body are feeling.  Lola is beautiful, she could have been Ruby's sister as Ruby was pure black as well.  They give us their whole heart and soul don't they?  When 2 different species can have a connection so deep and so full of love for each other, it is a gift.  How can a cat and a human be so in sync with each other?  Pure Love.  Lola and Ruby were our lives from morning 'til night.  I've learned so much from this forum and other people's thoughts and feelings...my favorite "I wanted to spend my whole life with you, but you chose to spend your whole life with me".  Love to you and Lola.
Michelle
Quote 0 0
fvernon
Dear Michelle,
Thank you for your lovely message and it's nice to know that I am not the only one feeling this way, although I wish neither of us were feeling like this.  I feel exactly like you, the last time I picked up my little boy was to put him in his carrier to take him to the vets in a rush as it was a last minute appointment when I realised he couldn't go to the toilet again (the same thing had happened a week before and he's stayed in a night and came home) and I just assumed that he would be staying in for a couple of days and coming home again and I can't help but replay that memory and wish I'd have known that that would be the last time...although that would also have been so hard.  My heart goes out to you for having to go through a very similar experience.
It doesn't sound cold how you feel about the urn, I am going to have to put it out of sight as well, either in a cupboard or under the bed as I won't be able to look at it either. I know it brings some people comfort but it won't for me, certainly not yet anyway.  I think we are probably still in shock  as we didn't get to say goodbye so we just have to deal with it as best we can

Returning your hug and thanks again for the understanding.

Fliss
Quote 0 0
MLovesRuby
Hello Fliss.  Our stories are so similar it's almost scary!  We both thought our babies were coming home with us....just like the last time.  It is still such a shock!  But you're right, which would have been worse?  To know that it was the last time we were taking them to the vet....how could we have let them go?  Would we have been able to put them in the carrier?  Would we have been able to let that person come to the car and take them away from us?  Or was the way it happened to us some sort of small blessing.  We can ask a thousand people and we would get different answers from all of them.  

Maybe some day I can take out the urn and put it in one of her favorite places that she liked to sleep.  Not there yet.  I want to picture her in my head whole and healthy.  I miss her with all of my being, but I know that as time passes, I will be able to accept that she's gone.  

We have been together since she was born.  My friend's cat was having kittens and I told them that I wanted a black female, so if the mum were to have one, she was mine.  The mother gave birth to 3 kitties.  Two were tabby - both males - and the third was a pure black female.  It was fate.  I visited a lot and watched this wonderful mother cat with her 3 babies....watching them open their eyes and stumble about....they were precious.  So you see, from the moment Ruby was born I knew her.  I loved her every moment since.  As we grew older, my love for her grew....she was so perfect for me.  16 years together.  I live alone, so she was my everything.  This house is sooooo quiet now.   The heartbeat of this place has gone.  I think of her all the time, sometimes with a smile because she was the funniest little monkey, but then I cry because Man do I ever miss her.  My heart will heal.  I know it will take time.  I really hope that you will heal too, Fliss.  Giving you hugs across the miles.
Peace
Michelle
Quote 1 0
fvernon
Hi Michelle,

Perhaps we weren't meant to say goodbye to them, perhaps when you love someone so much there is no goodbye and they are still with us in some way.  I do feel very guilty though and am trying not to go over the 'what-if's' - I suppose that is all part of the grieving process.  My little bear was 17 and black too - I adore black cats so much. It sounds like you and Ruby were always fated to be together and that she couldn't have asked for a more loving human mum but I can imagine how hard it is when it was just the two of you.  It's SO unbelievably hard to let go when your life has been so enriched by these amazing little bears.
I really want to look at photos of Spike but it is too painful at the moment.  Like you say, hopefully time will heal our broken hearts and we will adjust.

Peace and love.

Fliss
Quote 0 0