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june_anon

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Posts: 6
Reply with quote  #1 
I have never experienced positive feelings as long as I’ve been alive from anything other than my dog. I was a miserable baby and a miserable toddler and everyone who knew me growing up will corroborate that I never liked anything, or had fun, or had friends who made me happy (I had a few kids who came over and wanted to be my friend, but they just made me anxious/angry/sadder or when I didn’t feel worse with them, I just couldn’t enjoy them) or felt decent things—until we got my dog. I was 8, I’m 21 now. He just got put down yesterday morning and I just got let out of the ER with stress induced cardiomyopathy overnight.

Everyone loves my boy. People don’t know or care who my family is, but they LOVE him. His vet broke down crying when he went in Friday, right in the waiting room when he first saw him in front of everybody else. Every time he’s gone into the vet looking rough, the receptionists cry and ask to hold him, the nurses sit out and wait with us—my whole family has never seen them do this with other pets and owners so it’s kind of embarrassing lol. When we first open the door everyone behind the desk gets up and comes over to say hi; but they don’t do that with the next dog to walk in. His groomer has offered, unprompted, to babysit him if my family ever goes away. It’s not even a place that assigns groomers—you get who you get—but in 13 years he’s ONLY ever been groomed by her; she ensures that. My father who hated dogs cried for the first time since before I was born the night we brought the new puppy home because he loved him so much and became a person who touts his classic dadlike ‘my child has four paws’ bumper magnet and cries over every dog he sees. My grandfather who still HATES dogs cries on the phone to my dad whenever my boy is sick. He’s just a dog who is immediately, unusually strongly loved by everyone who encounters him. And remembered, forever. People I went to different school placements with who didn’t even like me have hunted me down on facebook to ask if JJ is still alive.

I was actually fine knowing he’s about to die for a long time now and even this week. I mean not happy or functional or not-miserable—just not more than my normal. I didn’t cry once over the anticipation of losing him. He went into the hospital Friday and my mom kept saying he’d probably come home soon on saline shots and up his painkillers but it would only be a couple more months...I already knew he wouldn’t be coming home though. I’ve always been oddly connected with him like that. I finally went to visit him Saturday afternoon and they said he was really poorly off and won’t be getting any better, but he was manageable until his doctor comes back Monday but I said we should just let him go—he wasn’t going to be leaving here and I knew it. But my parents wanted to wait til Monday so they went home but I stayed overnight 100% positive he’d be gone within 24hrs. The vet called me in at 9ish in the morning and said he’s declining a lot, they called his doctor who recommended we let him go because they couldn’t let him be released like that but they couldn’t do anything to improve his condition either. So I should call my parents because it’s time. I told him to put us in a room much further down the hall when they get here because my dad screaming at me will scare everyone outside waiting.

In the vets office while it was happening I screamed, puked, and passed out; in the hospital all I did was hold the blanket he died on and his collar and sob for 14 hours without stopping so I didn’t actually talk to anyone or know what we’re supposed to do about this TC syndrome (an illness where less than 40% of cases are men and less than 3% in people under 50, but I’m 21), and now I’m in my parents house *still* holding them and sobbing, only pausing when the pain in my head makes my vision reduce to pinholes and to have PNES seizures and vomit. I’m mostly dictating now because I can’t really see or move my arns. I need to get out of this house ASAP, it’s making me sicker looking at every item and wall in every room I’ve been in knowing he’s not here.

I have **never** felt positive emotions that didn’t come from being with my dog. Not from thinking about my dog—that makes me really sad if I’m not with him, even when he was young and alive. Just being with him. Through 50+ medications, every form of therapy with 11 different psych teams (countless individual specialists), neurofeedback, biofeedback, 19 hospitalizations since I was 6, and all the stupid ‘alternative’ options that either didn’t do anything or made me sick. Nothing that has ever happened to me that ‘doesn’t go away, but eventually gets easier’ has gotten anything but harder with all the years that pass. and nothing has changed the fact that my only moments of minor decency through it all were with my boy. And now he’s gone.

I was supposed to die before him. Spending a little more time with him has been my only reason not to, though I’ve permanently disabled myself attempting anyway quite a few times. But he’s gone. I don’t see any reason not to be gone too now.

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GayleMG

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Posts: 41
Reply with quote  #2 
He was an adorable boy! I'm so sorry for everything you have gone through and are going through. Check in here often. I hope you come to the Monday night ceremony. The chat room is sometimes a help, if you catch it when people are in there. I'm so sorry for your loss!
__________________
Beloved One, you were ill, but you were not alone. I was with you. The beloved dead awaited you. You moved from love into love, carrying with you only love. I sent my love to travel with you and open up the way.
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pannklaus

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Posts: 194
Reply with quote  #3 
I am totally overwhelmed from reading about your situation.  Your illness is devastating and now you have lost the only thing that mattered to you.  I can't say anything that will make it okay.   Only that your dog sounds totally incredible.   Do you feel like you can still communicate with him now that he is at the Rainbow Bridge?  Some people here still feel the presence of their fur babies while others don't.  Have you made a Memorial for him yet? You may not be functioning well enough right now but I have found comfort in making my baby's memorial and updating it when I feel the desire.

Please stay with all of us here who are grieving for our beloved pets who are at the Bridge.  Participate in any of the activities that appeal to you.  You will find people who care about you and will be concerned about how you are doing. You can keep your baby's memories alive here and continue to share his remarkable qualities with others who will understand and appreciate hearing about him. I hope you will find some meaning and purpose in being here over time and that this will become a place where you can find comfort and support.

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Patsy
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june_anon

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Posts: 6
Reply with quote  #4 
I don’t feel him anywhere. I’ve never been like that or understood what that means. He’s just gone. I feel that he’s not here. I hate thinking about the good memories with him—it just feels worse. I’m just stuck in this cycle of sobbing through everything I do and making myself pass out by sobbing through everything I do. I tried to brush my teeth lying in bed but I just threw up. I’m on my fourth box of tissues right now just since I got home even though I’m trying to reuse them as much as I can but I’m gonna have that box finished too by the time I’m done typing this and we don’t have any more.

I don’t have anywhere I really live right now so no, no memorial though all I’d do is what I already have collected, but I have his box he used to sit in filled with as much stuff as it will fit. His few favorite toys even though he was never into toys, a bag of the treats he stopped eating but used to love, his couch blanket, all the old halloween costumes and holiday hats and his winter & rain coats, one of his beds but I’m asking for two of the others, his bandanas, his harness and leash, his placemat, old appointment and birthday cards from the vets, his brushes, hell I’ve even got one of his old medications in there because it has his name on it. And the paper bag my parents brought some food to the hospital on friday in because his name is written on it. And the tupperware too, because his name is written on both containers in sharpie so my mom wouldn’t keep them. I’ve got it stuffed with more than it will hold, plus his other toybox of stuff he lost interest in totally separate. Right now it’s all in my old closet because I’m in my old bed but his collar and blanket are in my arms, his pillow is on my bed, and his old license is around my neck. because my moms just gonna get rid of it all (“it’s too depressing”) and my dad is only keeping one toy for himself because he doesn’t keep much of anything—nothing really has sentimental value to him (cards, souvenirr, artwork, gifts, etc.) My parents are keeping his ashes, I don’t get any. My mom is keeping his paw print. And my dad is getting buried with his ashes. My mom wanted them but they were going to compromise that mom could be buried with mine instead. but she doesn’t want mine.

But JJ is incorporated into the furniture and I can’t save that stuff, I just have to watch it all come apart. His crate is a display surface in my parents kitchen. Mostly for his stuff though—his food cans, his treat jar, his extra leash since he gets up overnight a few times now. so that’ll probably be gone by the next time I make it into the kitchen. He has a whole pen built outside full with his own walkway that my parents have no reason to leave up anymore. His old puppy gate still lives next to the fridge. His ramp is stored right under mine. They won’t be there much longer and I don’t have room in my old room to store them but I don’t have anywhere to take them either. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with these boxes when I leave again because my parents won’t hold onto anything of mine that I don’t leave with.

Nothing appeals to me; I don’t have any interest in anything here. I hate talking about him. or thinking about him. I unfollowed every animal I follow online this morning and left a couple pet owner and animal discussion Discord groups because losing him has made me realize I really don’t love animals, I just love him. I don’t give two ****s about @ribeyethepup or whatever username’s new rottweiler puppy without JJ to see in them.


I never regretted having him until now.

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june_anon

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Posts: 6
Reply with quote  #5 
I keep editing my post to include this picture but it says it uploaded and then doesn’t show up. Maybe because Im on mobile. But I moved his old license from my keys onto my chain sitting in te vets office overnight. I’m keeping it on so I can be buried in it
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june_anon

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Posts: 6
Reply with quote  #6 
I have no idea what the problem with uploading this picture is but I’m done trying, I can’t keep looking at it. It just makes me want to be back at the vet’s office because that’s where his body is. Or was. His blanket isn’t smelling as much like him anymore, I guess because Im used to having my face in it by now. I need to work on getting myself to the couch because I know last night that still smelled really strongly like him when I got home...
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june_anon

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Posts: 6
Reply with quote  #7 
Middle-aged but still a puppy:
[XcJOHOM]

Visit at the hospital Friday night:
[mpyWJB1]

In the waiting room all night, kept company by his favorite toy to lay his head on
[vxaNm1X]

His old license, moved to my neck knife chain forever, though it won’t be long until I’m with him again.
[a8g2UQD]

11/24/06-3/10/19 11:15AM
[cIy7Y8L]
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Syd123

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Posts: 37
Reply with quote  #8 
Dear June anon,

My name is Sydney. I am 22. I lost my beautiful golden retriever Colby on January 21st. We bring these amazing pets into our lives and they make a home in our heart. They selflessly love us unconditionally, whether we feel worthy or not, and they are our daily reminders that we do deserve to be loved. June anon you are made from love. You are made to love. You deserve love. Love yourself the way your sweet JJ loves you. If you believe in an afterlife, then I urge you to consider that the years you will spend on this earth are nothing compared to the length of eternity you will spend with JJ in the next life to come.
I screamed too. From the shear pain of losing my boy. I nearly passed out from crying for 3 days straight and I could barely move. I’ve been there, many people in this forum have been there. The pain doesn’t go away and although still unbearable at times, you will get through this. You are strong and you can do this.
I am really worried about you. If you can, please please talk to somone in your life that you trust whether that be one of your parents, a friend, neighbor, or therapist about how you are feeling. If you are feeling truly unsafe and have a plan to end your life please please seek help whether that be calling or texting a 24hr crisis line like this one (1-800-273-8255) or bringing yourself to an ER.
You are loved. You are enough. You are good. Please continue to post here and share your thoughts and feelings. You are supported here and cared for. Everyone here has been through the loss of our pets and that is something we can all understand and hopefully begin to heal together. Continue to lean on us as we each lean on each other for support and acceptance through this pain and grief. Sending you hugs and hoping to hear from you soon.
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june_anon

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Posts: 6
Reply with quote  #9 
I don’t have any friends, my family is cut from my life for physically disfiguring and disabling me with all forms of abuse since I was an infant so while Im in their house I have to be locked into my room (Im not supposed to be here but I let myself in because I need to smell my boy on the couch and collect his things), and I’m on my 11th intensive psych team that doesn’t do ***. They’re great people, it just doesnt help. I don’t use the phone but I’ve used those stupid textlines and it’s only ever made things worse. Theyre not trained to handle a case like me and none of the hospitals in this state take me anymore but the big national ones I’ve been in just made everything worse and so many treated me horribly for being unmanageable and disabled. I would consider making them send EMS to the house again, but only to pressure myself when it’s time to end it into doing it faster.

I’m trying to wait another day or two, just until his blanket he died on stops smelling like him, and to get my will re-notorized with the updates I made last night to include burying me with his things. so no one gets rid of them. I know I wont be buried with his ashe because my dad said he wants to be. my mom argued over it but eventually relented, I said she could be buried with mine (as a joke; I know she doesn’t want mine) and she said right in front of the vet “why would I want your ashes?”

She doesn’t want to save anything of JJ’s but his urn because it’s too depressing. and they didn’t keep anything of mine when I got escorted out of the house at 17 so I know she won’t respect my wishes and keep anything of his that I want so everything is locked in my old room with me now. I mean everything. I can’t let his stuff go. I sat down and went through all of it, detailing every single item in my will update. so nothing gets overlooked. I just dont see myself getting through the next couple days to make these arrangements. I need him
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pannklaus

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Posts: 194
Reply with quote  #10 
I wrote a long response to you and apparently it vanished when I  previewed it.  So I will try again. Your writing makes me very, very sad.  I was depressed for many years when I was young and nothing help--my circumstances weren't as desperate as yours but I tried many things and nothing helped.  I thought about suicide many times and didn't plan to live past age 30.

But as long as you are alive there is hope that you might find some moments of happiness and pleasure in the future--even if you haven't experienced it yet.  I eventually found a doctor who was able to help me after many had failed.  I discovered a career that I had never considered, married and had children and many beloved pets.  With the loss of each pet I experienced deep grief and still miss all of them.  I lost a child through miscarriage and still think about that child. But I have lived into my seventies and find happiness and meaning in life which I never experienced at all when I was young.  

I can't promise you that things will improve for you if you stay alive.  But the possibility does exist. And the improvement may not come for a long time but it might come later.  

Right now you are experiencing the deep grief we all feel when we loss our precious fur babies.  Many people here write that they don't feel they can go on without their pets and their lives are empty and devoid of meaning.  That is part of the normal grieving process. 

Because your life circumstances are so extreme your grief is more profound and deep but still you are not so different from others who are grieving--even if you think you are.   Please don't make the decision to end your life so soon after losing your pet.  Try to get through another hour or if you can't make it that long, make it through another minute, or even another ten seconds. 


You can find people in the world who care about you.  I care even though I don't know you personally and others here care too.  I pray that you will still be with us on this  board next week and the week after and continue to post to us about your beloved fur baby.


 




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Patsy
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pannklaus

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Posts: 194
Reply with quote  #11 
June anon,

Are you still with us?  I am very worried about you.  Please let us know if you are still here to continue to tell us about your wonderful fur baby.

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Patsy
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Syd123

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Posts: 37
Reply with quote  #12 
June anon

I am just now seeing your pictures. Your boy JJ is so beautiful. Please continue to share your stories here. Please let us know how you are doing.
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Mistysmama

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Posts: 1,680
Reply with quote  #13 
Dear June anon,
If you can handle it, please read my blog which is linked below : Misty's Life After Death.
This is what she showed me.
I didn't "believe" anything before she showed me.

This, and similar, is what happens to them. I don't believe that. I know it, thanks to my own girl letting me know.

I am so very sorry about what has happened and your loss of JJ. He is so lovely and has a beautiful face.

Just sometimes, a Soul comes to us whom we have known before. We have always known that Soul. They are very very special friends who come here for a time to share with us, then return to Spirit to connect with us there and to await us. They come, but the bodies they choose to live in are unfortunately mortal so can't stay. And oh how we wish they could stay every minute for the remainder of our lives.

I had a mixed life. A lot of troubles too and missed that unknown "someone" whom I couldn't define. It took almost 50 years to meet that Soul but when I met her, I knew immediately.
I completely understand as I was devastated when she had to leave this world, and our life together.

JJ lives on, but in a finer state. He is a Soul, not even just a dog now where he is. He knows you and loves you without time involved, and always. He is a Spirit friend and always will be.

Though it's hard to see so many times, our lives here are very brief and very precious. We have come here for a deep purpose. So please try your best to hold onto your life. Try to live it with the love you feel you never could find except with JJ. Try to live in that.
It will be very hard to do that right now. Let your grief out. Don't think ahead to anything.
But hold JJ in your heart because he will always contact you there.

Our loved ones seem to have disappeared and gone forever but they really haven't. It just seems that way to our viewpoint here which is very limited mostly.

Blessings to you and to JJ and to everyone who loved him. He has had a most splendid life on Earth, as he has touched and moved so many hearts, and that can never be taken away from any of those people. He is a gift from Spirit!

My kindest thoughts.

__________________
Hold the love like a little light. It is all you have, or will ever have, to find your way home.

Misty's Blog..a Dogfight with Cancer http://www.mistysblog69.blogspot.co.uk

Misty's life after death: http://www.dog2spirit.com
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pannklaus

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Posts: 194
Reply with quote  #14 
June anon,

I found out by accident that it is possible to see when you last visited this site by clicking on your name.  I certainly don't want to spy on you or invade your privacy.  But I am so concerned about you  that I just want to know that you are still with us and at least looking at the site occasionally even if you don't post anything. Please post soon and tell us how you are doing and more about your precious JJ.  If I know you are here with us, I won't look at when you last visited the site.  

I love the pictures and am glad that you were able to get  them up on the site.  JJ looks like a darling dog.  I like the sparkle and liveliness in his eyes.  I am glad that you had him in the years that you did and that he provided you with some happiness when nothing else did.  I hope that you will stay here and grief with all of us who are feeling such pain after losing our previous fur babies.

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Patsy
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Ashley33

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Posts: 4
Reply with quote  #15 
June anon, 

Even though intellectually we know we will likely outlive our kids (because they are our kids, not "pets"), emotionally, the loss is so awful to contemplate that we desperately hope to be the one to die first.  It's inconceivable that we can continue to exist (because "living" is not an accurate word) with our heart gone, either cremated or buried beneath the earth. The thought of enduring the endless days, months, years... minutes and seconds, really, without our child seems utterly impossible.  We keep hearing "You'll get through it", "It won't feel this awful forever", "Remember the good times", but when you're in the midst of such agony, every second IS "forever", we genuinely believe we will never get through it, and memories only exacerbate the pain, because we're reminded of what we've lost.  When others tell us we will open our heart again to another baby one day, this just confirms that they don't understand the bond we had with our child- the depth of our trauma. 

You say you want to be with him again and that death will bring you together.  I am envious of your belief system. As an Agnostic, Widget's death seems all too final, and I have no assurance I will see her again.  I was suicidal after losing her in January.  There were various  means:  Our gun, an overdose of pills which I knew would stop my heart, slitting my wrists, hanging myself.  I was leaning towards the gun actually; messy, but it gets the job done. 

What's odd is that I kept reaching out for assistance.  As much as I wanted to die- was actually planning it- I still found myself going on sites like this one and talking about my situation.  I found therapists.  I found a psychiatrist.  I'm genuinely surprised I even bothered, but I did.  They were imperfect, but I also wasn't expecting much.  I was lucky to find a medication cocktail that pulled me out of the worst of it, BUT had I not, I would have ended it.  I can still feel the weight of the gun.  You may not be medication oriented, or perhaps nothing has worked for you.  I agree, talking (or texting) alone doesn't help, as you've stated.  In too many cases, the hotline person is an untrained volunteer and only makes the situation worse with their banal platitudes. 

The bottom line is this:  While you want to die, does any part of you want to find relief that doesn't involve death?  If not, that says it all.  But the fact that you have gone for psych evals (however ineffective), that you have texted hotlines, that you've come on this site and continue to talk about what you're going through... that you are reaching out, tells me that while you could certainly end your life at any time, part of you- albeit a tiny part- is hoping for an alternative.  As I've said, I'm Agnostic, so suicide is not a moral issue to me.  Everyone has the right to decide when they can't handle the world anymore, and I would understand your choice whatever you decide. 

Think of this though.  Before you got your child (when you were 8), what did you love?  Before you got him, would you have ever believed you could love anything after what you'd been through?  It was, simply, IMPOSSIBLE to imagine that future bond, because you existed only in the present and the past.  The same is true now.  It's impossible to imagine bonding with any living creature...        

Please keep reaching out.                             


    


    
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